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Painful Thoughts of Ex Having Sex With Someone Else

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In this overwhelming grief of losing my partner/husband of 11 years it seems that thoughts of him having sex with someone else some day really can get me into a terrible place emotionally.


I can't control these thoughts.


I know that other people have them about their ex. They just seem exquisitely painful - like intense grief and then jealousy and powerlessness all at once.


It feels like I am going insane and will not live through this uncoupling during these intense but fortunately brief periods.


Without going into extensive detail - I am not fooling myself here, but I know that he did not leave me for someone else, and it is highly unlikely that he even has the means to go find someone to have an anonymous sexual encounter with right now. He was drinking a lot and very depressed and let his physical appearance go some before he left.


Thank god he did not leave me for someone else. We are now living about 1,000 miles apart so running into each other and seeing him possibly with another man is not an issue.


There has been no contact since he left unexpectedly and unannounced 1 month ago other than one attempt by him to call my cell phone about a week after he left.


Our sex life was really good right up until his unexpected disappearance the day he left while I was at work.


These thoughts are very painful though.


He never enjoyed being a bottom until we were together and then this became the primary thing he enjoys sexually. I often get into this horrible thinking that he never got to enjoy bottoming with other men and that a part of why he left is so he could experience that. Sounds stupid but this is where my mind goes with this - and it becomes very painful.


Any advice on how I might deal with them? Or should I accept that I have to feel that pain as well to move past it?


I have heard that even the dumper can get very jealous and hurt if they see the dumpee with someone else who they are probably having a sexual relationship with.


As for the few ex's I had long ago - none of them really long term - When I think of them having sex with someone else I often picture myself participating - in other words, it doesn't bother me at all.


My ex of 11 years really is my true love though and it just seems different.


I know posessiveness is part of being human (the psycho/controlling type). It just seems like someone else is going to effing my husband and I have no say in the matter.


Then I think of when I will have my first sexual encounter with another man some day and how they could never compare to what I have been having with my ex.


Interesting how I can calmly type this out right now because during the moments that these thoughts hit I am just beside myself with grieving.


Thank you



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You have to work on accepting it is over and he's not your possession.


If you accept the breakup and working on grieving it and getting over it, these kinds of thoughts will diminish.


But indulging in these thoughts is AVOIDING thinking about reality, which is he is gone, 1000 miles away etc.


So practice thought stopping techniques (google it) to learn how to corral these kinds of thoughts and reduce them. You have to discipline yourself to stop yourself whenever this kind of thinking arises, because it is a waste of time thinking them and doesn't get you any closer to healing.

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As the other posters have pointed out, these destructive thoughts will diminish with time.


I learnt something from a breakup book by a well known hypnotist here in the UK, it's called 'white out'. Basically it works like this...


1) You visualise something you don't like (in your case your ex having intimacy with someone else).

2) Like you would on a TV set by turning down the color control, drain out the color from the image so it becomes black and white.

3) Again like on a TV set, turn up the brightness until the picture is nothing but pure white light.


Now, whenever these pictures pop into your head you can train your mind to do the above automatically. I found just turning the color picture in my mind straight into bright white light worked perfectly well.


Works pretty well for me!

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