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Kalika

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Hey everyone, I'm having an issue here...

 

I can't honestly remember sex ever really doing anything for me. Most of my sexual experiences have been with guys that just think sticking it in is all they have to do. Sex has always been more for my partner than for me.

 

That being said, I am with someone right now that is truly and madly in love with me. He knows how I feel about sex and is quite upset about it because he wants to please me, but I have told him frankly that sex only feels good to me for about 30 seconds, then it becomes ho-hum. I could take it or leave it.

 

I rarely initiate sex because it seems so pointless. This is going to sound terrible but I like using my vibrator because it's one or two minutes, and I have an orgasm and then I'm done. Having sex seems like too much work. Sex feels good for about the first 10 seconds, literally, then it starts feeling repetetive and boring, and I start losing sensation.

 

I don't think it's my partner's fault because frankly, I've always felt this way. Sex just doesn't do that much for me. I can go without it for months or even years (as long as I have my vibrator lol)...

 

I don't know what to do ... I feel so bad for my wonderful boyfriend!

 

I know I am not the only woman who feels like this. I have read other posts from guys on here, describing their girlfriends that are JUST LIKE ME. Anyone have any advice on how to change this??

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I never really got into sex until I started sleeping with my current boyfriend. We have a much stronger emotional connection than I had with any other boyfriend, and it made a huge difference. Things got better still after I quit vibrators. Once I forced myself to learn how to make sex work for me, it got easier.

 

Also, even though my boyfriend is a wonderful, thoughtful, caring man, he gets selfish once he's caught up in the moment. I have to be direct and a little bossy to get what I want, but he prefers it that way. He knows he gets caught up and needs to be redirected at times. Some times are more about him, and some are more about me. It should be give and take, and if you want something, you should be able to ask for it. If he loves you, he wants to know.

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You could try getting some professional advice because eventually your boyfriend will become very unhappy - and it is hardly fair to him. A good relationship includes good sex.

 

I agree. I think it would be worth it for you to talk to a sex therapist and determine why you do not enjoy sex with a partner and what you can do to change that. Are you in love with your partner? Do you enjoy physical closeness with him...touching, kissing etc. Your ambivalence about sex and lack of enjoyment will likely, over time, affect your boyfriend's sense of being a good partner..it will likely make him feel unsatisfied and unloved and this will have drastic effects on your relationship as a whole. If you don't address this problem within yourself it could have very negative consequences on your relationship.

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I agree. I think it would be worth it for you to talk to a sex therapist and determine why you do not enjoy sex with a partner and what you can do to change that. Are you in love with your partner? Do you enjoy physical closeness with him...touching, kissing etc. Your ambivalence about sex and lack of enjoyment will likely, over time, affect your boyfriend's sense of being a good partner..it will likely make him feel unsatisfied and unloved and this will have drastic effects on your relationship as a whole. If you don't address this problem within yourself it could have very negative consequences on your relationship.

 

I have strongly considered counseling but the reality is that most people, including myself, cannot afford it. It can take months or even years to see progress and it's not covered by any type of insurance.. I just can't afford it.. Especially when I don't even know if it will even help.

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Have you thought about incorporating the vibrator into sex with your boyfriend? There are positions you can be in where he penetrates you, and you still have access to using the vibrator on yourself... tease yourself with the vibrator while he's having sex with you (don't bring yourself all the way to orgasm), then when he gets close, you can finish with the vibrator while he's in you.

 

many women have trouble coming with penetration along (50%), so if you learn to use the vibrator while having sex, you can both be satisfied.

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For me it only works if I'm very much in love, or very stimulated by something other than sex before we start. (and I don't mean a vibrator, I mean a workout at the gym, a great drive on a twisty road, a lot of laughs, whatever) In other words, my seratonin levels need to be high and I need to feel pumped up and energized. (when I'm really in love, I think those things are already there just by being with the guy).

 

Otherwise.... meh... I focus on making the guy happy and don't really have much interest.

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Actually, I myself have JUST realised recently actual sex doesn't do much for me, since I don't get off from it. It's mostly to please my bf. Partly for us to feel closer.

I prefer oral. I think many women don't actually like sex every day or regularly. Why else would there be so many men who complain about sex dwindeling after some time?

 

Have you tried maybe being more passionate with your bf and making love as appose to just "bang bang bang sex"? (Lol, hope that makes sense? If not what I mean is looking into each others eyes, and really feeling him inside you, etc..)

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I prefer oral. I think many women don't actually like sex every day or regularly. Why else would there be so many men who complain about sex dwindeling after some time?

 

ive never bought into that stereotype that men want it more, or most women dont like sex often after awhile.. if that is the case i definitely dont fit into that category because i love sex.

 

i think the ops issue is what one of the posters said about masturbating to much and accepting a vibrator more likely over a man. maybe cutting back is an option.

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ive never bought into that stereotype that men want it more, or most women dont like sex often after awhile.. if that is the case i definitely dont fit into that category because i love sex.

 

i think the ops issue is what one of the posters said about masturbating to much and accepting a vibrator more likely over a man. maybe cutting back is an option.

 

yea i agree. it's definitly a stereotype b/c i've also heard tons of women complain about their bf/husband not caring for sex.

but the stereo type seems to be true in some cases.

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I also might comment that i found sex 'blah' too, until i met someone i was really really into, just loved as a person in and out of bed. sex was electric with him, and totally boring with the guy i had before who i really wasn't compatible with.

 

maybe you just aren't into this boyfriend enough to really enjoy sex with him. if you find the right guy, you might 'discover' sex.

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Hey everyone,

thanks for your responses.

 

I definitely am lazy Greywolf was right about that. I should reiterate though, I don't masturbate too much or very frequently at all, maybe just.. once or twice a week? But no, I cannot have an O without it. In fact I bought the damn vibrator BECAUSE I had never had one before and was starting to think I'm broken or something. It was a huge relief to know that I *could* have one.

 

I have never been in love, and I am not now, so maybe that has something to do with it. I definitely think in my case, the mental is affecting the physical.. I probably would love sex if I were in love with my partner but since I never have been in love, and don't think I ever will be in love, maybe that has something to do with it??

 

Then again .. I know people who aren't in love and still loving their sex so I don't really know if that's it..

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I have never been in love, and I am not now, so maybe that has something to do with it. I definitely think in my case, the mental is affecting the physical.. I probably would love sex if I were in love with my partner but since I never have been in love, and don't think I ever will be in love, maybe that has something to do with it??

 

Then again .. I know people who aren't in love and still loving their sex so I don't really know if that's it..

 

that is true, ive had experiences where there was no love and all it took was strong sexual chemistry with a guy and managed to have great casual sex.

 

im now in a LTR where there is love and ive realized how much better the sex is when you have chemistry and well as an emotional connection with a person you are comfortable with.

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