2008

[LW4E]

When years are coming to an end, I often like to look back and reflect upon that year and decide for myself whether or not it was a good year.

 

this is the first year in which I'm actually torn... was it a good year or not? Did I suffer more pain, or discover more happiness?

 

This year couldn't have started out any better for me, on new years eve, I went to the movies and saw Juno with my girlfriend, we got back to my house one minute before the strike of midnight... that way we could count down the new year from my bedroom, and share the lucky new year's kiss. Just a case of perfect timing really.

 

The rest of the year didn't seem so lucky for me... in 2007 I had introduced my girlfriend to someone I talked to often on the internet, and this guy started telling her things about me that simply weren't true... telling her that I rummage through her E-Mails and her chat logs, telling her that I can't be trusted etc. In the end, he used a fight I had with my mom to convince her that I was going to grow up to be abusive, and told her to dump me... she did, and she got with him, how nice.

 

If that feelign wasn't bad enough, I had to put up with my ex making fun of me, telling everybody all the things her boyfriend told her I did. Suddenly all my friends are starting to look at me as if I'm some kind of jerk who invades people's privacy for kicks. Even through all this, I tried to get her back... I said a lot of outrageous things that couldn't have made less sense... but one thing I said to her the whole time is that her boyfriend is the biggest pathological lyer I had met in all my life and that he was lying to her and using her. She didn't believe me... neither did any of my friends.

 

I let it go for a while, didn't speak to her so I could just focus on myself, and that I did. I spent a month of the summer away from her, just hanging out with friends and basically having a good time.

 

When August came around, I started talkign to her again... found out she had done a big pile of nothing during the Summer... except talk on msn day-in and day-out. We agreed to meet and hang out, and somehow we instantly grew closer once again, I didn't forget what I had learned in my time away from her... but we were definitely closer, and resisting it was hard. After that one outing in which we kind of flirted relentlessly, I tried to keep my distance a bit more... afterall, what could her intentions be? She has a boyfriend overseas... so the only logical explanation is that she's doing this with me because she can't with her boyfriend. We hung out a bit more in the Summer, every night was pretty much the same result, we'd almost act like a couple and spend late nights at each other's houses.

 

When school started again, I was doing great, better than I ever have in my life... things were going great. At the end of October, I got invited to a friend's halloween party, and I met a lot of cool people there, a lot of people who eventually came to become new friends of mine. IT felt weird having new friends, as I had mainly hung out with the same people for the last four years. On top of this, I was also rebuilding previously burnt bridges with old friends and starting to patch things up and hang out with them again... it almost felt nostalgic spending time with old friends after so long. Come November, things between my ex and I were still the way they were in the Summer. She was always over at my house, and we were always having a good time, and on most nights, I would actually sleep over... most of the time it was against my constant atempts to walk her home.

 

At the beginning of December, her boyfriend broke up with her... mainly because there was someone else who had his eye... frankly I think she was a back up girl. I actually got a good chuckle out of this, thinking that what goes around comes around, but I started feeling bad for her afterward. So I was there to comfort her, just as a friend. I'm not proud to say that one thing led to another, and one night in the heat of the moment, we had sex. It felt right at the time, but so wrong after... and I regret it now.

 

I never quite knew what her intentions with me were post-break up... after taking time to heal and grow up, we became friends, but she was always really attached to me. She would randomly tell me things like "Blake, you're my best friend" or once when we were on our way back from buying snacks to watch wrestling she just said "Thank you" Knowing I didn't buy her anything that night, I asked what she was thanking me for, and she said "Everything." I think it goes without saying that she's the only person I approach with extreme caution anymore.

 

On December 17, she left for her trip (The trip she planned to meet her boyfriend on) being that December 17 is my birthday... she bought me a B-Day dinner at the airport... nice of her I guess.

 

Since then, I've had an amazing Birthday party, as well as a great Christmas, last night I hung out with some friends all day and although I got a splitting headache, I had a really, really good time.

 

At the moment, I am single, but its no longer because somebody dumped me, it's by choice, simply because there's so much more freedom in the single life than there was while in a relationship. I have made so many new friends, patched things up with my old friends, my family's finally starting to look normal... but now for some reason I just want to leave. I just want to get up and leave this town and go somewhere far away... almost as if I want to get away as not to be bothered by anybody in my life again... despite the fact that I love them all so much.

 

I simply don't understand it... I just want to get away and be on my own. But I don't know why... everybody's been so great to me, I'd expect to want to stay here.

 

I guess this was more of a rant, I just had to get it out... but has anybody ever felt this way? It's kind of weird... wanting to get away from people who make me happy :S.

[catfeeder]

Really good story. You may not know this, but an urge to push away from home and family to explore somewhere else alone is pretty normal. It's a right of passage thing.

 

Happy new year to you, and thanks for a good read.

 

My best,

Cat

[civilservant]

Thanks for an interesting read, here's to a better 09. I've done a similar thing on my ENA journal here, its a useful traditional to have.

[LW4E]

I guess I feel like I just rely on others too much to enjoy my time. For example, I'm dying today because I'm stuck inside by myself, I do value my alone time, but I just like getting out of the house or being social in some form or another, so I love it when my friends are around and when I'm actually doing something.

 

I guess just being as old as I am, it just seems like the "cool thing" to be on my own... but I really do want to get away and start new somewhere else... especially considering that I should be starting college within the next year or two.