1 Year of marriage and I'm totally lost

[ap_lost]

First post here after reading through and seeing the advice you all provide. I have been married to my wife for abour 13 1/2 months now and we've been together for 4 year come March. I love her with every fiber of my being and I know she feels the same way about me. Almost every aspect of our life together is incredible. Almost.

 

Sex, I've gone through life being told it's no big deal and shouldn't be your focus, but I could disagree more. When my wife and I were first together for maybe the first 2 years she was very sexual with me and was always willing to go for a round in the bedroom sometimes for several hours.

 

After a while she stopped wanting to try different positions and just wanted to do missionary position. She never would want to do anything at all besides that. Then more and more foreplay started to dwindle and now it has completely dried up. She just says she doesn't see the point in it.

 

She never initiates sex with me. I can count on my two hands the amount of times in 4 years she has and it has always made me wonder whether she is as physically attracted to me as I am her.

 

Recently since foreplay has pretty much completely gone away, sometimes I have trouble "rising to occasion" because we could be watching tv and I try to initiate some kissing and foreplay and she just tries to get me to go straight to sex. It almost feels like "get it over with"

 

I'm not saying she would need to be the one who starts sex every single time. I enjoy being the one calling the shots just as much as the next guy, but sometimes... I dunno, it would be nice to be surprised more than once every six months by my wife "pouncing" on me.

 

We've recently started to try having kids and the sex has become (don't know if this is phrasing it right) "mechanical" she is counting her ovulation and all that stuff and she tells me when is her best times for pregnancy and I do my duty. But it's been a couple months and I sometimes feel like she is resenting me for not providing her with a child.

 

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on this as much as I am but I just have no one to talk to about this and I am really starting to feel like she isn't attracted to me at all.

 

I really appreciate any help anyone can offer. Thanks in advance.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you spoken to her about it..not in an accusing way. Ask her that you notice she is not into the bedroom action anymore and ask her how she feels, if she is going through a rough time and that's why she is not in the mood. Tell her it hurts you because you feel like she doesn't desire you anymore. See how she responds and see if she improves after that. It may take several rounds of discussion, suggestion of reading books together, watching some porn to get her in the mood, whatever. If she doesn't want to do anything about it and insists there is no problem, then you are going to have to lay it out to her that it does have a negative impact on you and your feelings of connectedness to her. You will have to stress the importance of that for a healthy marriage. I have seen these situations before on this forum and when the sex life goes down there is often something deeper at play. You need to see if you can find out what is really going on here...is she happy with the marriage?

[DN]

Hi and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Of course you should be concerned about this. A good, mutually satisfying sex life is essential to a relationship for most people and there is no reason why you should feel guilty. For some peculiar reason, people have been made to feel guilty because they want this and that if it is lacking they should not complain - it's nonsense.

 

This is something you should address with your wife immediately - and you should stop trying to have children until it has been resolved one way or the other, because if the only reason your wife wants sex is to have children your sex life will end for all intents and purposes once she has had the number of children she wants.

 

You need to talk to her about this, seek some resolution, either between the two of you or with professional help and get your sex life so that both of you are happy. If she will not cooperate, then you should either end the marriage or accept the fact that you will have one with a limited or non-existent sex life.

[Casey13]

Your presenting a problem that typically occurs for couples following 20 years of marriage so your concern is very valid. At 1-2 years of marriage your sex life should be soaring and at it's peak not the other way around. I don't mean to sound pessimistic but there are quite a few women out there who are "people pleasers" to get what they want in life. Woman understand well that most men crave sex and make it a very important aspect in their life, as such it's possible that your wife secretivately was always the type of woman who wasn't much into sexual activity but knew that it's something she'd have to force herself to enjoy in the earlier parts of life to "seal the deal" with you. Many women and men act a certain way with certain issues to please their partners during the unstable period of courting and when the deal is sealed through marriage their true personalities come out in every way. This could have happened with you. On another note, perhaps your wife is just really not that much into sex anymore which could be for psychological or physical reasons so really maybe this is something that's not entirely her fault. You guys can maybe try to fix this and get to the root of the problem through open communication first and councelling thereafter if that fails. With regard of her not being attracted to you, I doubt that very much. I think it's her attraction to sex that's not there but certainly not you, not after such a short time of marriage. All the best with it!

[Casey13]

DN is quite right. If her only motives right now are to associate sex strictly with having kids then you may have a "non-existent" sex life when kids are born. Since sex is very important to you and you're not getting it you may even snap one day 10-15 years down the road and get involved in an affair, come out as the bad guy and lose your marriage and who knows what else. This is an issue you should resolve ASAP and before kids are born.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would stop trying to have children with her until you resolve this, because if she doesn't want sex and refuses to participate actively, this might not get better, and in fact get worse after children. Once she has her kids and doesn't 'need' sex anymore, she may start refusing sex entirely.

 

It sounds like she either doesn't enjoy sex, or has some religious or personal issues that prevent her from enjoying it.

 

You need to immediately start talking to her about it, and find a marriage counselor where you can go and talk about this. She needs to understand that a good sex life is one of the things that keeps marriages happy and vital, and helps prevent the temptation to stray. If she is only 'doing her duty' then it causes your intimacy to suffer, and will deprive you of a normal sex life as well as herself.

 

If she won't try to improve this, you have to decide whether you are compatible with her and whether you should stay in a marriage. You can be friends with anybody, but only have sex with your wife, and if she refuses or performs like it is a chore, then you need to find someone who does like it, and she needs to find someone who doesn't care about sex either.

[ap_lost]

I really appreciate all of your advice and thank you for it. One of the two biggest things I was worried about is, did she just "give me what I wanted" in bed until we were married? And is she just having sex with me to have kids. I have tried mentioning it once or twice in the past about the lack of sexual intimacy between us and she says she is sorry that she makes her husband feel like she isn't attracted to him and says she will change and nothing does. I feel like she is happy in our marriage but no one can ever trully know especially if the person is just putting on an act.

[Casey13]

 

 

So similar situation to yours but after the first kid was born, check it out!

[Casey13]

Ap_lost, this is kind of your problem here:

 

"I've tried mentioning it once or twice in the past about the lack of sexual intimacy between us..."

 

This is a big problem and you should be a tat more aggressive then just mentioning it once or twice. You should have a long and deep conversation with her about it whether she likes it or not. A marriage is a two people ordeal and is suppose to benefit both partners so you have a right to discuss your concerns with her about this whether she want to talk or not. I'd resort to councelling if this doesn't work, and if that fails well then you have to make a decision whether you are the guy who can satisfy himself and still be faithfull to your wife for the rest of your life which could happen.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is possible that she faked her interest in sex to try to please you, and now that she's 'got' you and is more familiar, she got tired of faking it.

 

Or she could have faked it to try to trap you into marriage, then once she's met her goal, she get less enthusiastic, and once she gets the kids, the sex dries up.

 

But it is equally likely that she has inhibited sexual desire due to either a prudish upbringing or other personal issues/experiences, and deep down feels bad about sex so tries to avoid it. That is why i suggest a counselor, becuase that can be treated if she is willing to treat it.

[ap_lost]

Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to her about this tonight. (I'm at work right now) I think I'll finally bring this up and fully explain how I'm feeling. I really don't think she just used it as a way to "trap me" because she doesn't really seem like the type to be that manipulative. I just hope it can be resolved because I really liked feeling like I was wanted sexually.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is possible that she faked her interest in sex to try to please you, and now that she's 'got' you and is more familiar, she got tired of faking it.

 

Or she could have faked it to try to trap you into marriage, then once she's met her goal, she get less enthusiastic, and once she gets the kids, the sex dries up.

 

But it is equally likely that she has inhibited sexual desire due to either a prudish upbringing or other personal issues/experiences, and deep down feels bad about sex so tries to avoid it. That is why i suggest a counselor, becuase that can be treated if she is willing to treat it.

 

Or maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with trickery or "prudishness" and she just has a low sex drive, or she is unhappy about her life. By the way, if she had a very healthy sex life before and was eager then somehow I doubt if it is "prudishness". "Prudes" would likely not be so free with sex from the get go.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There are plenty of religious people who 'yield' to sexual desire, then get more into the religion and start to feel like they are overemphasizing sex and feel guilty about it. He mentions that she has reverted to only the missionary position and feels there is 'no point' to foreplay, which many people with religious hang ups about sex feel is the only 'legal' position from a religious perspective, and that sex should only be used for procreation and getting into it for pleasure alone is sinful. So they think about it a lot, and start reducing/inhibiting the sex becuase they feel guilty about it or feel it is counter to their religious beliefs to do certain things or get too into it other than for procreation.

 

So he needs to go to a counselor/doctor with her to analyze whether it is a medical problem, a religious issue, or some other inhibition of desire, whether that is hormonal inhibition or psychological inhibition.

[ap_lost]

I can tell you without any doubt in my mind that it isn't religious. That's one thing I know for certain.

[ap_lost]

I'm happy to report that I think I think my wife and i settled the distance that was growing between us. We talked for several hours into the morning about what was going on and it came down to a whole bunch of really minor issues that just all built up and spread us apart. This was all followed by a very intense session in the bedroom

 

In the Immortal words of Bernie Mac, "We were shakin' some sheets!"

 

Haha love that line. Just want to thank all those who posted and gave me ideas and opinions, I'm really thankful to have found this place and will stick around and try and help others in need.

 

 

-Andrew