Metallica Lightning Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I'm not sure this is the correct place to put this but I need to get this out and I need some advice as well. I feel like a total failure as a father for what my daughter is doing. She is engaged to a great guy who is very compatable with her, I just can't describe how well they go together. They get along great, and I see so much for them in the future, but it will [probobly end up being lost. Anyway, on to the point, my daughter I recently found out is having an affair with another man behind her fiance's back, and it's apparently been going on a while. My son contacted me about two weeks ago and told me he that someone other than my daughter's fiance spent the night with her (My son and daughter live together as roomates), on a night where my son was supposed to be gone from the house. I wasn't really concerned at first because I thought it might have been one of her female friends, but my son kept insisting that it was a male. His calls kept coming more and more frequently to the point of where I finally decided to investigate. I didn't find anything really and decided to ignore it again, but on Christmas Eve night, she decides to leave after sinner. She seemed VERY rushed and said she needed to get to work. So that lit a bulb in my head. I safely followed her and she stopped at a local restaurant, got out of her car and then embraced and KISSED a man who had to be only a few years younger than I am! I was livid and I left the restaurant immediately. I have always beat fidelity into the heads of my children since day one like being drug free and despite being divorced from their mother I have tried very hard to remain a large influence in their lives. Obviously, I have failed as a father to my daughter as she has ignored one of my most prominent teachings in honoring and respecting love and committment. I'm in a rut here. My gut tells me to tell her fiance about this, but something makes me think that if she comes up front, they can maybe work it out? Your thoughts? Oh, and I've recently discovered this man she is having an affair with is indeed married. Go figure. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Part of me thinks you need to stay out of this. But this time, I think you should interveen, and talk to your daughter, just ask things like, "is everything ok in your relationship, is anything missing?" and "if somethings not there, you know to talk about it with your partner and to not go and find it else where?". Link to comment
veneratio Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I think you should have a talk with your daughter as butterfly suggested. Try to get it out of her first by talking to her, if she doesn't budge, I would then confront her. Let her be the one to tell her fiance. He deserves that. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Yep, I agree that you need to confront your daughter about this directly. Going to her fiance first would only cause problems between you and your daughter. I'm sorry you have been put into this position, I can only assume how uncomfortable it is for you. Straighten her out. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 This is actually none of your business or of your son; it would be if she were living with you and having other guys staying in your house, but this is nothing to do with you. I appreciate that you want to do your best by your daughter, and you could say something along the lines suggested by Butterfly~Wrists - then let go and leave the rest up to her. She's an adult and needs to learn to live with the consequences of her own actions in her own way and her own time. Don't even think of telling her fiance; as you say, everything may come good in the long run - but it certainly won't if you interfere. And certainly don't let her know that you followed her to the restaurant unless you want to put a severe strain on any future relationship with her! You haven't failed at all as a father - you gave your children the values you consider important and did your best by them under circumstances where some men wouldn't have even bothered. But she's an adult, no longer under your jurisdiction, and makes her own decisions. Many, many parents are disappointed by the decisions their children make, but you need to let this one go. You won't be responsible for the outcome of this - she will. And you need to let her take those consequences for herself, with no input from you. She isn't a child any more. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 This is definitely not your fault so firstly you need to emliminate that thought from your head. You can raise your kids in the most wonderful way but infedelity is almost always influenced by other factors and at some point in life your kids just start making their own decisions good or bad as has your daughter. If I were you I would firstly speak to your daughter about what you saw and see if you can get any answers. In sum, you should tell her that you want her to tell her fiance what she did, step up to it and see if they can work things out but no loving man should have to endure a relationship with a woman who is discreetly involved in an ongoing affair. This can even bring STDs into the picture including AIDS so something has to be done right away. If your daugher refuses to stop and doesn't tell her fiance about her mistake (give her some time for this, 2-3 weeks) then you should approach him yourself and inform him of what is going on. It's what I would do Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I would not talk to the fiance, but i would talk to your daughter. I suspect that you should be very concerned about her heart, becaue this married man is using her and may have dazzled her who knows how. If she continues and breaks up with her fiance for this married man and he refuses to leave his wife, she could spend years in a disastrous relationship and end up deeply wounded. I would try to approach as not with condemnation, but more of a 'why are you doing this and what is going on' and let her talk. Then try to convince her that the path she is on will break so many people's hearts, including her own. Give her a chance to talk, and try to offer reasonable suggestions and logic rather than just attacking her. If you attack her, it may further her 'you and me against the world' bond with the married man and drive her towards him rather than away from him. But once you've said your bit, there's not much else you should do. Telling the fiance could produce a rift with your daughter that can't be mended and she may blame you for wrecking her life rather than herself. I suspect if she is really wrapped up with the married guy she may break the engagement on her own. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Hmmmm, how would he feel if a year down the road he gets a call saying that her fiance (perhaps now husband) is now in the hospital dying of AIDS all because his daughter decided to cheat on him once and continued to do so because it was easy for her to get away with it. Speak to her first, give her time to fix it and come clean, but warn the poor man eventually before his life is ruined Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I totally agree. The fiance has a right to know. If that damages your relationship with your daughter than so be it...sometimes you have to follow your own conscience and sense of right and wrong regardless if the wrongdoer gets pissed off. Talk to your daughter first...if she doesn't volunteer information then tell her point blank that you know about this married man she is cheating with. You don't have to answer any questions on how you know. Just tell her that it is unfair to her fiance and if she is not happy with him she should end the relationship, not cheat on him. Cheaters are very good at the art of deception and lying. Don't be surprised if she plays you and her fiance against each other so that if you approach the fiance he will have believed her pack of lies and look at you as the evil person. It is still important to do the right thing..because one day the fiance will be faced with the truth and at least once he clearly understands that his fiance cheated on him he will know that you tried your best to protect him. So I would suggest you talk to your daughter first and if after a period of time you get the feeling that she has never told her fiance (very unlikely that she will, she will just continue cheating and be even more careful) then you should talk to him. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I would talk to your daughter like the others have said, but I would NOT butt in and tell the fiance. Remember "blood runs thicker than water". She is, after all, YOUR daughter. Besides, she is an adult and this really is something for them to work out. Link to comment
iceire Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I in my own personal opinion I feel ye should confront ye child,lay all the cards on the table,tis no matter she doesn't live with ye,ye are her parent and ye have every right to let her know of ye disapproval,I've been cheated on and tis one of the worse feelings in the world BTW ye did not fail as a father,she made it her personal choice to do this and ye had no hand in it,if ye don't talk to her about this it could lead into something much more worse...like the wife of the man she is seeing,I know if I was the wife I would want to be told and the man she is seeing is a worm in my opinion and needs to be delt with but then she has (ye daughter) needs to step up to the plate and make it known to her fiance wot she is doing,maybe it can be saved but then maybe not,tis the risk ye take for cheating! Link to comment
heaven66 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Yes, confront your daughter..you don't want to tell her bf because alot can happen, you don't know how he will react....talk to her and find out if she still loves her bf and why she is doing this. Good luck, being a parent is not an easy job....damn kids did not come with instructions,,,lol.... Link to comment
KG Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Talk to your daughter....there may be a lot behind this, and she may need some support. Or at least she will know someone knows....will change the dynamics pretty quickly. But don't tell her B/F...she dug that hole..... Link to comment
laisla Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 do tell your daughter, talk to her as others have mentioned. but if she keeps this up for a while longer, i think you SHOULD tell her fiance. he has a very real risk of contracting an STD, on top of the heartbreak he will surely experience....in my opinion it's not right to pretend nothing is happening, and allow him to be hurt like that. when he finds out he will feel like everyone else was lying to him as well as his wife. he will feel like nobody said anything, he will feel so hurt that everyone kept quiet. tell him if she does not change her ways. your daughter needs to know that it does not just affect her, her fiance, the other man and the other man's wife....it affects the families and friends of all involved. Link to comment
KG Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 do tell your daughter' date=' talk to her as others have mentioned. but if she keeps this up for a while longer, i think you SHOULD tell her fiance. he has a very real risk of contracting an STD, on top of the heartbreak he will surely experience....in my opinion it's not right to pretend nothing is happening, and allow him to be hurt like that. when he finds out he will feel like everyone else was lying to him as well as his wife. he will feel like nobody said anything, he will feel so hurt that everyone kept quiet. tell him if she does not change her ways. your daughter needs to know that it does not just affect her, her fiance, the other man and the other man's wife....it affects the families and friends of all involved.[/quote'] Exactly, well put! Her actions are going to affect a multitude of people..... Link to comment
Metallica Lightning Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 ...Well I didn't even say a word and this situation has already blown up like an atomic bomb in my face. My son caught the man in my daughter's bed again last night as I was posting this very message. He then called her fiance over, and showed him what was going on himself...I don't know what exactly took place, but I just know that someone contacted this man's family (a wife, and three teenage children, all teenage girls) and he's out of his own house. My daughter had a massive meltdown and tried to physically harm her little brother (No one was hurt thankfully), and her now ex fiance has already cancelled the wedding, honeymoon, caterer, taken back the ring he got her, literally EVERYTHING. My daughter is staying with me for the safety of my son, but won't talk to me or anything. She just keeps sobbing and screaming in the basement, as we speak! Link to comment
yeawutever Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 I also think you should talk to your daughter how this makes you feel as a father but don't under any circumstances dare tell the finace about it, it's her place to confess or not. If you tell, either your daughter will end up getting mad at you or she might lie to her fiance saying it's not true. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 My son caught the man in my daughter's bed again last night as I was posting this very message. He then called her fiance over, and showed him what was going on himself...I don't know what exactly took place, but I just know that someone contacted this man's family (a wife, and three teenage children, all teenage girls) and he's out of his own house. My daughter had a massive meltdown and tried to physically harm her little brother (No one was hurt thankfully), and her now ex fiance has already cancelled the wedding, honeymoon, caterer, taken back the ring he got her, literally EVERYTHING. My daughter is staying with me for the safety of my son, but won't talk to me or anything. She just keeps sobbing and screaming in the basement, as we speak! Wow it really got out of proportion, your son should not have gotten involve with this, or at the very least tell his sister it's wrong but cover up for her. Just be there for your daughter, hopefully she learned her lesson on what cheating. Sad thing if I were to cheat on my boyfriend, since my parents don't like him, they would be glad I did it, fact they would think he deserves it. At least he see it wrong even if it's your daughter doing the cheating. Link to comment
striker_dude Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Your daughter probably didn't want to get married, and either subconsciously or consciously she set herself up to be caught with the other guy. Better now than after the wedding. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Wow, what a mess! Well, it solves your problem at least, though her life is in shambles right now.... Well, i guess now the issue will be how to resolve the family rift with her brother, and it's going to be a really big one! If she is not mature emotionally, she will continue to blame him for 'wrecking' her life, and he will need lots of support as well as she does. I would try not to be too judgmental at this point, just listen to what she says, and tell her you are sorry this erupted, but the consequences for cheating, especially with a married man, are huge and it was her doing and wrong to expect her brother to be her ally in deceiving other people. Just try gently to reinforce the idea that this is the consequence of her faulty decisions, and now the best thing to do is deal with the fallout and not do anything like this again. Link to comment
KG Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 To the OP, one question nags at me. Why would the two of them chance being caught at your son's house? It's the weakest link in the chain of deceit. Link to comment
laisla Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 If she is not mature emotionally, she will continue to blame him for 'wrecking' her life, and he will need lots of support as well as she does. I would try not to be too judgmental at this point, just listen to what she says, and tell her you are sorry this erupted, but the consequences for cheating, especially with a married man, are huge and it was her doing and wrong to expect her brother to be her ally in deceiving other people. Just try gently to reinforce the idea that this is the consequence of her faulty decisions, and now the best thing to do is deal with the fallout and not do anything like this again. great advice!! her fiance clearly made his point by cancelling the wedding. what they do with their relationship is now their business. but your son is involved as well...he may have been wrong or right to do what he did, but what's done is done, nothing can be changed about that. they're going to have to have some time to calm down and then hopefully will try to fix things. Link to comment
Metallica Lightning Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 To the OP, one question nags at me. Why would the two of them chance being caught at your son's house? It's the weakest link in the chain of deceit. That's EXACTLY what I was wondering and what I've been trying to get my daughter to tell me for a while. My thoughts on this are that: 1) My daughter and son are surprisingly close. They never really fought much, and have always generally trusted eachother. Maybe she thought that she could trust him with something such as this? 2) The other man didn't want to have to use a hotel, or his home, thus, they decided to use my daughter's home. I don't know. This was also interesting to me as well. To everyone else responding, I have tried to get through to her in calm, passive ways throughout the day with very little response. She only ate a bowl of ice cream and drank some chocolate milk. She's spent the rest of the day crying and throwing a fit. I'll keep you all posted. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Harsh, I kind of feel sorry for her now. Throwing the fit and everything further shows how miserable the situation has made her. To be betrayed like that by a family member must really hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if you lose her over this. Being ruined by a family member. I don't think that would be an easy thing to come back from. I can see how she deserved it though. What kind of person would have an affair while engaged. Horrible situation to be in. Good luck to you. Link to comment
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