Unbelievable.. PLEASE HELP...need some advice!!

[LadyRed]

Hello to all, I'm fairly new to this site and have been going back and forth on whether I should post or not.

 

I've decided to go ahead, talking with others might seem to help..

So here is my story in a nutshell...

 

Met a boy and of course he made me fall head over heels in love with him. We became very close friends at the beiginning of our relationship and everything fell into place after that. We dated for awhile..and ended up moving in together with two other couples in a very nice house. Everything was perfect, had no problems living together. The lease ended and we needed to decide on where to go from there. I was still in school and the town we lived in doesn't offer a lot of jobs year round. We decided it would be best if he moved to another town and lived with his parents for awhile to start anew and find a better job, schooling ect. As I stayed in the same town and continued going to college. This went on for about 5 months and everything was fine, we made time to see each other often and it actually made our bond grow fonder since we missed each other even more. This last summer came and I was no longer in college, so we decided I would come stay with him for awhile and find a decent paying job for the summer and in the meantime we could be together. So we did just that and the summer turned out great.

 

Come this fall, the past couples we had lived with in the previous house..well one couple we were very close with and the boy was my ex's best friend. The couple ended splitting through a horrible break up. His family decided to move and he felt very alone in the previous town we had all lived in. So he decides to move to a location closer to where my ex and I are staying at. My ex and him reunite and start hanging out all the time because he is so "lonely" and doesn't know anyone in this new town ect ect. I have no problem with this since we have all been friends for so long and we've all gotten along. So this friend starts going out and meeting new girls and always talking about his new and exciting life. As you could guess, the time between my ex and I started to grow slim and I started to get sick of the friend for always been around "tagging along" I guess you could say. This started a few arguments between the ex and I and things started to go down hill from there.

 

Hopefully this is still making sense for those of you trying to understand all my thoughts at this point! So little arguments started to arise within our relationship, being frustrated about the friend situation led to other things we probably wouldn't have and never did fight about before. We always worked things out but we would fall into the same routine with the same problems occurring. Both of us being frustrated about being frustrated in the first place! So one weekend in early november I left to spend the weekend with family. Nothing was wrong we said our goodbyes, see you at the end of the weekend. Weekend goes fine and on my way home I call asking him when he would be home later that night and get "I dont know" "not sure" hes hanging out with the friend again and he's not driving so he has no control of where they're going. Naturally I get frustrated with these responses since he spent the whole weekend with this friend anyways. I tell him and I get I think I need to be alone right now. As in not in a relationship ect ect. Completely out of the blue to me! And then proceeds to tell me he doesn't want to see me that night because he doesn't want to see me crying and he doesn't want me to talk him out of his decision. We talk about it and he agrees to meet me at our house..

 

He then comes home and just sits on the bed trying to stay strong and explain how he feels. That he wants to get his life back on track (enrolled in school ect ect) and feels the only way he can do that is if he's by himself. there is a lot more to the situation, he hasn't had that easy of a life but thats a whole different story. So I understand and believe him for whatever reason and he says he just wants a break, it will only be me and him just take some time to figure out our lives. Okay so I start to pack my things and he leaves for an hour and a half because it "hurts him too much to watch me leave". Mind you this is at about 11 pm on a sunday night. So we both knew we would be spending one more night together. I pack my things and he gets home looking a mess. I knew he had been crying he left and drove somewhere unknown to me and sat in his car and cried. Now this is a man who I've known for a very long time..we were together for a little over two years. He never cried unless something was truly bothering him. The only time i ever saw him cry was when it came to our relationship and something was bothering us both. I had only seen him cry twice before.

 

So he gets back and I'm a mess as well knowing we aren't together and that I'm moving back to this old town to finish my degree for college. He then tells me he would be a lot more upset if he thought we would never be together again and that everything would end up being okay. We go to bed and he clings onto me and we both basically cried ourselves to sleep. Not your typical break up I know. Keep in mind we were eachothers first loves, had been in previous serious relationships but I was the first women he ever told he loved. Sounds like a line every man would tell his girl but I know its true from being close with his family and friends and honestly just getting to know him! But we had been through a lot with each other, family issues, death of loved ones..always there for each no matter what. So morning comes and he wake me with a kiss telling me he loves me and everything will be okay and if we're meant to be things will work out, and then leaves for work.

 

So I pack up the rest of my things and head back to my hometown, almost completely devastated but hopeful. Time goes by and I rarely hear from him, just trying to go about this new life of not being together for the time being. I breakdown and end up talking to him about how much the time apart hurts and how there should be no reason we couldn't figure out life together, he shouldn't need to do it alone. He gets frustrated and tells me he doesn't want to talk if I'm just gonna talk about us getting back together. What else should he expect from me? This is my love, the man who wanted to marry me and talked about having a family in the future ect ect I didn't understand why he was so unaffected?? Especially since he held me and cried himself to sleep over me leaving, when it was his decision! So I agree and try to push on and get back into the groove of things thinking if its meant to be he'll figure out what he's doing and only time can tell. So we randomly talk, maybe once or twice a week. I call him one night just to see how things are going and he has no reception so I told him to give me a call after a little while.

 

This was at 4pm, no call no call no call..then a text saying whats up? at 10 at night. I was already having a bad day..and this just fueled the fire. So I ignored the text and decided just to go to bed. I then receive a phone call from him at 1130pm and I cant hear anything but music and people screaming. He calls to say he's at a club with this friend dancing with new people. Half drunk, borderline rude obnoxious. Still being mad I asked him if he was being gay with this friend since they need to spend every waking moment together now and if they're having fun dancing together of if he's dancing with random nasty girls? And I also ask what happened to just us during this break? He tells me he never said that it would just be us and that the girls started dancing on him, and that they had started it. Please as if he didn't by going there in the first place? I ask him if he's purposely just trying to rip my heart out and he tells me "no I'm totally to blame you shouldn't feel bad at all" "I just came out to have a good time tonight and meet new people and I think you should do the same". I realized at that point the discussion wasn't going anywhere and I told him goodbye, he says bye and his friend screams YA BYE! in the background.

 

So at this point I realize he's out doing whatever he wants living up his new "single" lifestyle. And while I'm at home being totally miserable crying all day every day and trying to figure out whats going on, he doesn't care at all. He also told me in the couple times we talked after I moved back that he tries to just not think about the situation because it makes him sad and he doesn't want to be sad about it. So basically avoiding the it and just doing whatever.

 

 

Some more time goes by and he has a few things at my house still from one of the previous moves..tv..bar pictures..bed...150 gallon fishtank ect. And he asks when he can pick them up? I give him certain dates that work for me and he tells me "well im in arizona right now with the friend, not sure when ill be back to pick it up actually". So he basically asked me when he could pick up his things just to be able to tell me what he's been up to. I left it at let me know when you'll be back in town and ill pick another date that works.

 

On his way home he sends me a text saying i just want you to know i hope you're doing okay and I want you to know I still care for you and love you as the great person you are. I didn't reply.

 

Another week goes by and he randomly texts me at night once again. I ask him if he's okay with looking at me and never wondering what could've been and that he honestly doesn't want to be in love with me ever again than I never want to talk to him, see him or hear from him again. He replies with "pretty sure if I saw you in person I would hug you and probably start to cry". So once again stringing me along to still be there for him. I then ask why he's running around trying to be single and meet all these new women and he tells me its not just the ones I hear about, he just had some girl tell him to have sex with her in arizona but he didn't because thats "not his goal" so i shouldn't think thats what he's doing. He just wants to meet people. November 18th was our two year anniversary. Didn't hear from him all day..I finally caved at night and sent him a text saying something stupid about remember the day and how special it was two years ago..only to get a "yep I remember" in response. So December 10th comes around, my birthday and he sends me a text saying happy bday. Thats it. A week later I get a phone call of him telling me he is realizing that he wants to be nice to me so we can at least talk sometimes rather than nothing at all. So I inform him there was no reason he needed to treat me so badly and be a total A**hole towards me. He says he knows and regrets things hes done..

 

We talk a little bit and I tell him I'm coming to his town for the weekend to hang out with my family and he tells me if I have time he would like to grab coffee and give him a call. I didn't tell him yes or no. The weekend came and he called, left me a voicemail asking again if I wanted to meet up. I didn't have the heart to meet up with him so I never contacted him.

 

He hasn't tried contacting me about getting his things for awhile. On the 24th I sign onto facebook and receive a message saying "hope you have a good xmas and happy new year. talk to ya sometime " I dont use facebook a lot and there was a few pictures of us still on my account..he then feels the need to leave me a comment on one saying "I still remember and looking at it doesn't make it any easier"

 

So I'm thinking...okay so don't look? Unless he was asking me to take it off since he can't stop himself from looking at my account. It was strange.

Then yesterday while spending time with the family for christmas I get a "merry christmas" text. Which I replied with a merry christmas too and left it at that.

 

 

 

SOOOO if any of you have made it this far into my post, god bless your heart! haha but I'm lost as to what i should do. This truly is the love of my life, I love him more than anything. We have been through so much and it was such a weird break up...not normal at all. He shouldn't have cried when he was the one bringing everything upon himself! I think the saying is true, out of sight out of mind. So I believe its easy for him not to think about the situation right now. It's only been two months and I honestly feel like he is lost and doesn't know what he wants to do. Which is extremely selfish but when you truly love someone you accept that people make mistakes. I think, I don't know anymore! I think he is the one, I know I would be willing on working on things with him but I'm afraid he will wait too long and make the mistake of thinking I'll always be here. I told him I will always be there for him no matter what if he needed me I would be there, thats the kind of person I am. But I cant wait for someone to love me and wait in that sense. I think him not knowing if he wants me or not, will make me fall out of love with him.

 

So as of this point I'm trying to get on with my life but he is always the one on my mind at the end of the day. I care for him so much its unbelievable after all he's done to me, and not be there for me. I love him. No matter what I do I know me feelings are here for a reason. I'm just banking off of if its meant to be then he'll find his way back to me. If its not meant to be then something will show me that. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation...this is why I've been so hesitant to post! I feel like I'm the only one.

 

I cant just cut off all contact from him. He hasn't done anything so horrifyingly mean to me directly that I wouldn't be okay with not knowing the outcome of it all. He's being selfish without a doubt but I couldn't live with the fact that I gave up on him when he's confused and just being a dumba**. Thats just the kind of person I am, unfortunetly I let people hurt me too easily. But I love him so much I'm not willing to just turn my head. Yet anyways.

 

Any comments or suggestions or stories will be much appreciated! Thanks!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

For your own healing I think it would be a good idea to cut off contact with him. Right now he contacts you when he feels like it and lives up the single life. Who knows if he is even seeing someone now. Don't wait around for him...move on with your life and cut him out. If he really wants to get back together with you in the future, he will do more than just lame contact...he will make it crystal clear he wants you back. Don't wait around for that to happen, heal yourself and move on.

[hurtandused]

PLEASE PLEASE GET AWAY FROM HIM, my ex played mind games, i ended up tryig to end my life cause i was such a wreck,

[KellyBLynne]

my ex plays mind games as well. its stupid and manipulative. get away from him, as much as itll hurt, you have to if you want to stand a chance.

[Ac143]

He doesn't know what he wants. If he truly loved you, he would be with you. No matter how much influence your friends have - they can never "make" you leave the person you love. His friend was newly single but if your BF wanted to be in a relationship he wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

This kid is playing way to many mind games, I think you should tell him when he is ready for a real relationship & is serious to give you a call. BUT in the meantime move on with your life, I know you love him but love yourself more. Waiting around & hoping will just make you even more miserable.

 

Take care of yourself & your heart

[loulee]

Honestly you would be far better to move forward with your life...Start getting out and LIVING YOUR life..You have put your life on PAUSE for way too long already.. Its time to hit the play button..I know its hard..I know your heartbroken..but think about why you are depriving yourself of doing things that you enjoy..Yes he may well come back to you one day.. but you owe yourself the opportunity to know with clarity if he really is the one for you..what do you think he is doing..Apart from having fun..being single..AND keeping you dangling like a carrot just in case! If he genuinely fears losing you perhaps he should see that he is....make it happen...

[jenna981]

The sooner you go NC the sooner you can begin to heal. Even if he wants you back one day, don't take someone back that didn't care about your feelings in the past. My ex kept me hanging after the break up, and now more time is in between I wouldn't take him back after how he acted and treated me. I still care about him and think about him often throughout the day... but if I ever had the offer to take him back there would have to be alot of apologies.

 

It's probably best to tell your ex that you need to focus on your own life and having him in your life is holding you back. You can leave a friendship offer that when you are healed and have moved you can be friends one day. Start thinking of yourself and your life here, not his, because he isn't thinking or caring about your life. In a sense it's no so terrible, but it's wrong to keep stringing you along.

[LadyRed]

Thank you thank you thank you guys!

 

I know going NC is what is best for me at this point in time and I have been trying to maintain it in all actuality we haven't talked much in awhile. It makes me so depressed how everything has played out so far, but it is all on him. He knows I love him and if thats not good enough then neither is he! It's so hard moving past someone when things end this way though...we didn't cheat on each other, there wasn't a huge bad blow up fight and we hate each other now..it's just awkward. I need to just let him go for now but it's hard when he truly made me happy being part of my life. But as the old saying goes if you love someone let them go and only if they come back do you know it was true love...or that they couldn't find someone better haha.

 

I just need to understand that I dont need him in my life right now to make me happy again but thats hard to understand when you've been with someone for over two years.

 

I've decided I'm going to let him know this weekend he needs to come get his things on monday, otherwise I'm getting rid of them myself. I don't want this ordeal to carry over into the new year and I really dont want to know what he's up to on new years either. When he comes to get his things is when I'll say MY GOODBYES to him for now and I believe that will give me some closure until something differently plays out down the road be it that we're friends, he realizes he's a total dumba** ect.

 

I need to let him go for now but its SOOOO HARD UGH!!!

[loulee]

When he comes to get his things is when I'll say MY GOODBYES to him for now and I believe that will give me some closure until something differently plays out down the road be it that we're friends, he realizes he's a total dumba** ect.

 

I wouldnt be saying any "big" goodbyes, far from it....I would let him get his stuff and tell him you only have a few minutes because your heading out...actions like these speak louder and stronger than words. You will be proud of yourself down the track if you keep your dignity and stand tall.......

[LadyRed]

I will stand tall! But I need some kind of closure...letting him get his things then just leaving is almost like giving into him I think. I would feel that way anyways. If I really wanted to be cruel I wouldn't let him have anything back..but I've decided to be the bigger person. I think I have to tell him goodbye for myself, ya know? Not just let him leave because I would be in the same place I'm at right now. Gave him his things and he got what he wanted. What do I get out of that? Nothing so I think something needs to be said on my behalf. Not sure exactly what I dont want it to be a huge ordeal or anything....what would any of you say to a situation like this??

 

If you've read my story and you were in my position, how would you guys go about things? Dont want to be nice..but dont want to be mean and leave on bad terms...hmm.

 

Any suggestions??

[loulee]

I do understand your need for a sense of closure as we all ideally would like that when a relationship is ending...so my advice is to do what YOU need to do..but express yourself in a calm unemotional and direct manner..make it brief dont drag it out and have an outing organised for afterwards, perhaps with the girls..something quiet. so you can avoid going into a very depressed mood immediately following...promise yourself that the next day will be the FIRST day of your new life and slowly start making it happen...good luck

[ladybug726]

This sort of reminds me of my situation with my ex fiance.

 

He decided he "didn't want to be in a relationship" and ended up getting with a lot of girls. Ripped my heart out. It sucked and I felt like I was dying for a long time. Eventually I just accepted that I was in love with someone who wasn't in love with me, and probably in love with someone who didn't even exist anymore. My ex wasn't the guy I fell in love with... he became very cruel.

 

So, I went complete NC - which is what I think you should do. I know you don't want to be mean and in the end that is probably the best thing. You'll come out smelling like a rose. But, I think you should do what you can to avoid him. "Closure" doesn't exist the way we want it to. Chances of you finding it with him are slim to none. I strongly suggest that you have a trusted friend be there when he comes to pick up his stuff while you are off somewhere else. But, that's just what I think.

 

You need to back off and give him that space he wants so bad. No more texts, no more phone calls. When you miss him you need to deal with it alone. When you have questions about what happened, you need to leave them unanswered. There are no answers. If he doesn't want you in his life the way you need to be, then he doesn't get you. And you need to stop feeding him those warm and fuzzy ego boosts by texting him and phoning him, which only tell him that you still care. He doesn't deserve that.

 

After 3.5 months of NC my ex fiance has been begging for me back for the last 2 weeks. Literally, begging. I'm sorry, I love you and always will, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, blah blah blah. In that time I've realized how lucky I am without him and now I don't want him back. It feels wonderful.

[franfran]

 

I cant just cut off all contact from him. He hasn't done anything so horrifyingly mean to me directly

 

He is being cruel to you and you are turning your cheek to it because you love him so much. You wouldn't tolerate this behavior from a friend or family member, so don't tolerate it from him. He is mean. You need to cut off ALL CONTACT with this person...do not return his phone calls, text msgs, facebook picture comments....Nothing. He is probably going to freak out and try to talk to you like crazy, but you need to stay strong and keep him out of your life. If this guy was really worth anymore of your time he wouldn't have done any of these things to you. You would be his number one no matter what.

 

Also, my exboyfriend cried his eyes out like a baby when he broke up with me, he held me, had to force himself to leave, etc. He never cried before either, only once or twice from family issues. He no longer talks to me nor wants anything to do with me, so in essense, the crying didn't mean * * * * .

 

I don't mean to sound cold, it's just that I read your whole story and I feel really bad for you. You can't let him use you and do these things to you anymore. He will continue to treat you like crap as long as you let him.

[LadyRed]

franfran you do not sound cold! I know he is being cruel and has turned into a mean hearted person. As far as NC goes...I haven't returned his texts (with the exception for merry xmas) no phone calls, no replying to comments...the whole nine yards. I'm trying to just figure out things on my own right now. I'm hoping it doesn't push him away further...he might think well she's no longer contacting me AND ignoring me so I'm going to just leave her alone so she can get on with her life and she obviously doesn't want me to be part of it. I dont want him to think that but at the same time I dont know what else to do!

 

I will love to see the day he realizes what he's done and when he tries to contact me and freak out because I'm not "just there" for him whenever he feels the need. I know it will come someday.

 

He isn't being mean towards me...just doing whatever he wants so its a hard situation. My family got together this weekend for our last christmas of the year. I had such an amazing time being around people who I know REALLY LOVE ME. Of course the family asked about him, but also told me I was young and I have my whole life ahead of me..even if I have to push forward alone. Which in all reality is a scary thought but I know I shouldn't rely on someone else making me happy. I need to find what makes me happy again and figure out what I want out of life instead of just wanting him!

 

I've been doing so much thinking about what I want to do differently in 2009..its time for some change. I'm going to start focusing on making myself happy instead of everyone else around me. I dont usually do things for myself and it shouldn't be that way. The last three years of my life were dedicated to a man who saw no problem with completely tearing my world apart aftering building our lives together. I know this year I'm going to be more motivated in anything I do. I'm looking forward to my new life and making new memories and expierences I just wish I didn't have to do it alone! That is the only thing that truly makes me sad.