how to let the little things go....

[pumpkinmoon]

I assume that if you are posting in this part of ENA you are probably in a relationship and have gotten some good advice here. I have a fairly simple question. I am not currently in a relationship but I am seeing where things go with my ex for the third time.

 

Anyway, I was wondering, with all the little things that tend to bug people in relationships, things that really aren't worth arguing about, how do you let them just go over your head and forget about it? This seems to be one of the biggest problems I have really. Little things are starting to bug me again and I have managed to keep my mouth shut for the most part but I feel like I am going to explode ](*,)

[COtuner]

Hiya Shoe.... you too? I'm back with my ex and I find I look at him with a more critical eye, and vice versa. on the other hand, I haven't fully accepted him back yet, so I just kinda go LC and go on with my life for a few days when I feel that irritability coming on.

 

I did launch into him earlier this week after weeks of non stop * * * * * ing - couldn't take it anymore. Shut down and went NC after I told him off. He re-initiated communication and apologized, sorta, and is acting as if nothing happened.

[hmdreamer7]

If you're about to explode, I don't think you should ignore that! It's certainly sounds like it could become a problem, even if it is small. You should say something... but maybe don't say it in a harsh way? Maybe ask in the form of a question, ie "why do you do that?"

[pumpkinmoon]

wow not just me then lol

 

I haven't accepted him back yet either, I don't know what I want really. It's confusing though because we are acting as if we are together, but I'm also trying to maintain my own life as if I was single but it's hard work. It's confusing because part of me is thinking we're together and part of me is wondering why things bother me and I tell myself we're not even together thats when I try to act as if we're in LC too.

[NewPhillyGuy]

You sound like me. If something is bothering you alot, you should say something about it, but in a gentle, yet assertive way. If your partner is not receptive to these conversations, definitely pay attention to that. I dated a few women who didn't give a damn about my feelings. It will not work with someone like that.

[pumpkinmoon]

hi dreamer, this is the thing though, when I mention something about something that bothers me he takes it the wrong way completely and turns it around on me, calling me intollerant and what not and it usually escalates into an argument

[pumpkinmoon]

You sound like me. If something is bothering you alot, you should say something about it, but in a gentle, yet assertive way. If your partner is not receptive to these conversations, definitely pay attention to that. I dated a few women who didn't give a damn about my feelings. It will not work with someone like that.

 

Yeah that's how I feel. Not so much this time around, but in the past it felt like I wasn't even allowed an opinion. I will admit that some of the things I had issues with were minute and shouldn't have even been issues, that would have been fine but it wasn't a small issue here and there, when similar things kept happening over and over again it was hard not to say anything.

[John Bendix]

Sorry, but it is not what someone does or says to you, or thinks or feels about you, that causes you any harm. It is your reaction to those events that produces unpleasant emotions.

 

This is the ego in self protection mode against perceived verbal or emotional "assaults", which can really what harm? You can still do, say, think or feel, as you choose no matter about these perceived threats to the ego. The only effect then can have if in your emotional reactions to them.

 

You still do not have to take on an over cooked steak at a restaurant, or a partner who belittles you, and so on. But if we react with a huge emotional outburst, the unplesantness we feel is coming from this reaction of ours.

 

Reacting with anger, fear, resentment, unhappiness, and so on, is our choice and is facilitated through how we have trained ourselves to react. Practice makes perfect.

 

Exploding does not release the anger inside of you, it re-activates it. You may feel better initially bc it had built in force and now has shown itself as an emotional outburst. But it has now becomes a pattern of response. Your unsolved emotional reactions will build it up again and when triggered, be expressed again. Sometimes the trigger can even be an innocent comment and, as they say, then be over-reacted to.

[pumpkinmoon]

hmmmm I think I get what you are saying John. I am trying to learn how to control things and not let things get to me.

[greywolf]

Little things bothered me more when my ex and I got back together. Honestly, I think it's our subconscious that gives little 'tests' to our partner. We want them to do certain things and act a certain way and we become upset when they don't. Unless you can completely forgive them and put aside the hurt/resentment/anger getting back together doesn't work out.

[lostandhurt]

Hey fairy,

 

You don't need to learn how to let little things go as much as figure out why they are bothering you so much. Like John says it is your reaction to these "things" that cause the problem. I have found that the "little things" are usually just the symptoms of the real problem. I know who you are speaking of and I knew he would weasle his way back into your heart somehow. At some point you need to say enough and stay NC forever. You are not willing to accept the treatment you have gotten from him and yet he is there. Being lonely and missing the comfort of a relationship is blurring your vision as to what you WANT for your life. Relationships take work but if you are the only one working then what chance is there for lasting love.

 

lost

[pumpkinmoon]

thanks wolfy. I think there is a lot of truth to what you are saying. I'm always thinking to myself "if he wants me back then he should be trying harder" bla bla bla. When he doesn't I get irritated with it all.

[John Bendix]

Little things bothered me more when my ex and I got back together. Honestly, I think it's our subconscious that gives little 'tests' to our partner. We want them to do certain things and act a certain way and we become upset when they don't. Unless you can completely forgive them and put aside the hurt/resentment/anger getting back together doesn't work out.

 

I agree on the part in bold. Carrying around this pain, and further accumulating it, can cause you to react even more.

 

On the rest, expectation seems to lead to disappoinment and that is an unpleasant emotional reaction to circumstances as they are.

 

As for the subconscious, I think you are talking about what I refer to as the ego. Because of the break-up, it may be that you are in a extreme self protection mode. The 'tests' you speak of could be tryed to see what type of emotional threats are out there to be concerned about.

 

Just a thought-

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks lost.

 

Hmmmmmm... You are right, I am not prepared to be treated the same way again. We are not back together properly, but if we do, there is going to have to be a big talk about it all, I'm not even sure I have the energy for that as I think I'm going to be talking to a brick wall. I think it does have something to do with the comfort of a relationship that is keeping me around but I now know I can also survive on my own. If a significant issue happens to arise in the future that I am not happy with then I think (hope) that I will be strong enough to walk away.

 

I really don't know what to do about this. When I am alone and have time to think I get angry and think that there is no way I am going to go back and start thinking of ways to end things, part of me hates him, but when I am with him and we are getting on it feels right. This is why I am so torn.

[greywolf]

thanks wolfy. I think there is a lot of truth to what you are saying. I'm always thinking to myself "if he wants me back then he should be trying harder" bla bla bla. When he doesn't I get irritated with it all.

 

Exactly. The problem with this is that we expect them to try harder and when they don't we are the ones that end up getting hurt. Getting upset doesn't solve anything though. Either you have to accept the behavior or end it. You won't be able to change him.

[pumpkinmoon]

[/b]

 

I agree on the part in bold. Carrying around this pain, and further accumulating it, can cause you to react even more.

 

On the rest, expectation seems to lead to disappoinment and that is an unpleasant emotional reaction to circumstances as they are.

 

As for the subconscious, I think you are talking about what I refer to as the ego. Because of the break-up, it may be that you are in a extreme self protection mode. The 'tests' you speak of could be tryed to see what type of emotional threats are out there to be concerned about.

 

Just a thought-

 

There is a lot of resentment and hurt and I am not sure how to deal with it. I also have a lot of walls up incase I get hurt again.

[pumpkinmoon]

Exactly. The problem with this is that we expect them to try harder and when they don't we are the ones that end up getting hurt. Getting upset doesn't solve anything though. Either you have to accept the behavior or end it. You won't be able to change him.

 

I know. Especially because he was the dumper. I think that if it was the other way around and I was trying to get him back then I would do everything I could and be as nice as possible.

 

GRrrr he just bugs me lol What irritates me too is that I know I am too good for him, he gets to act like an * * * * and treat me like crap and he still ends up with someone decent. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet but I just don't think he deserves me. I am someone who would do anything for anyone and would never hurt them, he gets the better end of the deal and I get a potentional bumhole.

[greywolf]

I know. Especially because he was the dumper. I think that if it was the other way around and I was trying to get him back then I would do everything I could and be as nice as possible.

 

GRrrr he just bugs me lol What irritates me too is that I know I am too good for him, he gets to act like an * * * * and treat me like crap and he still ends up with someone decent. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet but I just don't think he deserves me. I am someone who would do anything for anyone and would never hurt them, he gets the better end of the deal and I get a potentional bumhole.

 

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it...

It's no one's fault but your own. No one is forcing you to be with him. You can't say that it's not fair that you're stuck with a loser, because it is fair. You know exactly what you're dealing with, but you stay.

[pumpkinmoon]

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it...

It's no one's fault but your own. No one is forcing you to be with him.

 

Oh I know, that's one of the reasons why it bugs me so much! I wish I could just walk away and find someone better ](*,)

[greywolf]

Oh I know, that's one of the reasons why it bugs me so much! I wish I could just walk away and find someone better ](*,)

 

Why can't you?

[pumpkinmoon]

I have no idea. It's like he has some kind of hold over me. I have come close to telling him to just leave me alone but I know that if I did I would be contacting him. So annoying. Also part of me thinks that maybe in time I could get over all the hurt he caused and we could have a good relationship.

[greywolf]

I have no idea. It's like he has some kind of hold over me. I have come close to telling him to just leave me alone but I know that if I did I would be contacting him. So annoying. Also part of me thinks that maybe in time I could get over all the hurt he caused and we could have a good relationship.

 

Think about that for awhile. You said earlier that you know you deserve more. Yet the bold part makes it sound like you're a weak person. So which one is it shoe? Are you powerless because of some 'bumhole' or do you really deserve better?

[pumpkinmoon]

I know just don't know what to do. I know I deserve more yet I can't seem to walk away.

[pumpkinmoon]

Also I will admit that some of the issues are ridiculous and I know myself they shouldn't even be issues but I just get so irritated by them and I have no idea why. Some of them are just crazy but I can't help it.