My Dad outed me in front of whole family.

[looker]

Background:

 

Over the last few years the frustration level of my parents has increased exponentially. They were concerned that I drink too much, even though it is under control....(I am not an alcoholic) but mostly they were concerned and worried, or confused that I do not date girls...in fact my last "girlfriend" was nearly 12 years ago. My parents have never asked me if I were gay straight out but they have made comments about the fact that I don't date. They asked me if I were even interested in girls etc.

 

Christmas Day:

 

Last night after a fun and enjoyable Christmas Day. Then my relatives started to open their christmas presents. My aunt received a present that said it was from her "2 year old grandson" ok fine....then my mom said, Oh how cute! I know I will never get a present like that because my children (I have 2 sisters, one older and one younger) will never get married!! My aunt then said...oh hush up! They will to...and just laughed it off...My mom then said, No, I aIready know thier sexual preference!!

 

So, it was obvious that she was directing that at me since that day and evening we were talking about My sisters new boyfriend! What a rude comment!!!

 

So, to make a long story short...I felt hurt and spat upon because I am deep in the closet! How dare she make those rude comments?! At that Point I went to the kitchen. After my other relatives left it was just the five of us left in the house...Mom, Dad, and me and 2 sisters. I told my Dad that I was going to leave and then he said NO, don't leave...I said that I really wanted to and he said, (under his breath) DON"T DO IT! What happened next was unbelievable!!

 

We were all in the living room and my parents and sisters all jumped on the bandwagon and said stay, stay why would you leave etc... I said that I feld like it, but really I just wanted to leave and see my friends downtown and I was hurt by my moms obvious comment. But I told them that I just was tired and ready to go but that I would stay... and that is when my dad started in!!

 

He said, "Fine, if you want to be rid of us so bad just leave. That is all you do eat and run. I said, Dad... what is wrong I love you I am just ready to go back to my apartment (10 minutes away). He said, well what are you going to do down there all holed up in that place. He got madder and madder. I said, what is it that I am doing, or not doing that you are so mad at me about...he then said fine, you want to know?! I will tell you!!

 

I am deeply concerned about you and the fact that you don't date or have any type of attraction or interaction with women...period. I think you are GAY! So tell me now, are you? He said this in front of the whole family! I was mortified! Everyone was looking at me and waiting for me to answer....I could not say it....All I could say was that If I were gay I would not tell this family because of the way they talk about gays...as "F #### T" and anything my my mom dislikes she calls "Q@!#@R" They say these things while deep down suspecting I am gay....which I think is wrong.

 

So to sum up after a 5 hour conversation I never said the words that I AM GAY. I left my to go home at midnight and that was it. I do not know what to do, I am ashamed, sad, and embarrased. I am also very mad that he would choose to do that in such a public forum in front of my mom and 2 sisters. Please help I don't know what to do. I feel awefull and really want to avoid seeing them at all costs...

 

PS my dad just got diagnosed with early stage cancer and will have surgery in 5 days!

[abitbroken]

Okay, firstly, alcohol is a valid concern. If people are worried tha someone drinks too much they may be saying so not because of how many drinks are actually consumed but because there is a behavior that is worrying to them that you don't realize, even if they don't see destructive behavior other than seeming to be "a little down."

 

I took the comments at the party to be insensitive, but if I were you, I would have just let them sail over. You know, you are going to have to deal with a lot of gay jokes, or comments when you are "way in the closet" because the present company doesn't know you are gay to know to be sensitive about it. I am not saying it excuses anything - but just like if a beloved relative is obese, a family pretty much stays away from fat jokes out of respect for them.

 

Also, if you are not comfortable with yourself, you are always going to feel extra sensitive about certain things.

 

I think you need to start really being honest with yourself. If you don't want to have a relationship with someone right now, it is perfectly fine. Someone can acknowledge they are gay and be comfortable with it without having to find someone righ away. I think that honestly if your parents are anything like mine, if I was gay, they would rather know than have me hurting myself (making myself sick from stress, severing relationships just to keep the secret).

[darkfaolan]

i wouldnt be ashamed of who you are id be open and honest about it if they cant accept you for who you are then you dont need them anyway

[LadyMidnight]

There's no need for you to feel ashamed or sad. They should be ashamed for behaving so inappropriately. However with your father being sick it would make sense to make up. I do think though that you are well within your rights to get fully pissed at what was done. You should tell them how you feel about it or else it will fester. Also they have no right to ask you about your sex life if you want it to be private and theres nothing wrong with making that clear to them. Their judgement of you only shows that they are ignorant of this aspect of life and maybe it would be good for them to learn a lesson in propriety from you.

[gardengnome]

Don't be weak. Your experience makes you stronger than others. Use it to your advantage.

[abitbroken]

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but if you are 'deep in the closet' you will probably hear plenty of comments even if not directed at you that you will be extra sensitive about. If you were totally comfortable about yourself and your sexuality, perhaps you would be of the opinion that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me..."

 

Some people make snipes or jokes or snaps at something when they don't understand something or are frustrated. Your parents want you to be happy. They may not really know you are gay, but it sounds like from talking about a concern about drinking and then making comments about sexual preference because they are trying to figure out why you are uptight or unhappy....maybe inadvertently the sexual preference comments are just another bad attempt at trying to figure out what the heck is up with you.

 

I think that if you were honest about yourself to yourself, things would be a whole lot better for you. I know someone who is a close friend of the family that people love and respect and just like to be around because he is happy with his life and himself. We liked him before he came out, but we like him more now, because now that he is fully comfortable with his life and knows his partner is accepted as part of the family too, he is very relaxed, is not stressed out like he used to be, and that makes him more fun to be around too.

 

It doesn't mean that you have to go find a boyfriend in order to be comfortable with yourself. You can be single. No problem with that if you don't want to be in a relationship. Plenty of straight people are single.

 

Anyway, maybe my opinion is unpopular but I am sure that even if you don't think so, other people notice that you are not totally happy.

[unabashed]

What your dad did, and how your family reacted, was unkind and insensitive. I can see why you feel conflicted, considering your dad's illness. I don't think you have any reason to be ashamed, but, let's face it--families have a way of bringing that feeling out in us. I agree that, if you were totally comfortable with yourself and who you are, it would be much easier to put the rest of this in perspective. But, how many of us are totally comfortable with ourselves--even if being gay doesn't enter into the picture. People are mess up for all SORTS of reasons! So, I think you should just work on yourself, don't beat yourself up, and learn how to listen to what it is that you feel and think. Coming from that place makes it much easier to respond to everyone else in a way that's best for you and those you care about.

[looker]

thanks for all of your thoughts. The fact is that I know that I was/am acting different. The reason is that once I came to realize that I was gay, then I really was praying that it would go away. Now I know it wont and it really scared and bothered me....because it means no family for me and all of the stigma it carries with it.

 

My parents and family are very accepting and very loving....I just did not want to be the son that was gay because of what that means. You know, it is just a bad situation that I guess I will have to learn to accept. My family will be very supporting. I saw them all today.

 

The fact is I do not know how to accept myself with this.

 

Does anyone know how I can come to terms and accept myself and not hate this fact about me. What process do I go through? Where do I begin? therapy??

[1WayTicket2Norway]

Does anyone know how I can come to terms and accept myself and not hate this fact about me. What process do I go through? Where do I begin? therapy??

 

Well, you've all ready made a huge step by admitting to yourself that you are gay... that's allways the hardest part. The next step you need to take is to find acceptance among other people, espescially the people you love the most. As soon as you achieve this, you will start realizing that being yourself isn't so bad. I'm not sure how closeted you are, but the fact that you are keeping this part about your life secret is a heavy weight to bear. Find or turn to someone you can trust and talk to, and if you can't find such a person, then you can see a therapist.

 

Just remember that tons of people have gone through what your are going through, and they make it to the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is soooo worth it! Trust me!

 

People can be cruel, as you may have all ready experienced, but just remember you are nor alone, and there will allways be people who can accept you for who you are, even if you can't.

[savignon]

Your family was unkind and insensitive, I agree! However, I can assure you that most families are like that at some point or another, while the topic may vary. I'm worried about the ammount of stress your causing your body and spirit by holding in your true self and keeping such a big secret. Anytime we try to act like something we're not, those closest to us will sense that something is up which makes it more awkward and more tense and so on and so on....

A friend of mine's brother, when he was ready to come out, sent a letter to each member of his family that really came from his heart. He explained how much he loved them and that he had several gay friends who had lost their families after coming out and hoped that wouldn't happen...etc. etc. If you feel that you can't face your family, perhaps consider a letter or email and leave the ball in their court.

Best wishes!

[pianoguy]

Hi looker,

 

I am SO SORRY that you had to go through this! If I were there I would give you a big hug... I'm so sorry.

 

Please know, and understand, that there is nothing bad, or wrong, about being gay. Being gay is a gift from God... don't let anybody tell you anything different! Ever! You were created this way for a good reason!

 

Do you have any friends (girls maybe? They tend to be more understanding) that you can talk to about this? I think it would do you a ton of good if you could find a friend or two to confide in.

 

I think therapy would be a great idea, as well. Do you have a therapist or school counselor that you work with? How old are you?

Now I know it wont and it really scared and bothered me....because it means no family for me and all of the stigma it carries with it.

 

That's not true! Gay people can still have families. My landlord is a lesbian and has two children, I also know a number of gay people with children. It might mean adoption, it might not... if children are something important to you, you can still have them as a gay person.

 

My parents and family are very accepting and very loving....I just did not want to be the son that was gay because of what that means. You know, it is just a bad situation that I guess I will have to learn to accept.

 

There's nothing wrong with being gay! Your family should be proud of you, and if they are not, that's their problem. If you are a good person and treat people well, you are as good a person as anybody else.

 

Does anyone know how I can come to terms and accept myself and not hate this fact about me. What process do I go through? Where do I begin? therapy??

 

It's a long process... I think therapy is a good start. I'd also recommend a couple of other things:

 

1) Go to the bookstore or library and find a constructive book on being gay. There's two I've read- one is "What God has Joined Together: A Christian Case for Gay Marriage" by David Meyers, which makes the argument that Christianity should support gay marriage rather than oppose it. Another is "A Place at the Table: The Gay Individual in American Society" by Bruce Bawer, which talks about being gay in this country. It's not the best written book, but I did like it.

 

I'm not sure what your taste in books is, but I'd just go to the gay section of the bookstore or library and just flip through stuff until you find something that speaks to you in a constructive way.

 

2) You need to find other people that are going through similar things you're going through so you can have good conversations with them. You might try looking for a LGBT group in your town, or if you are religious, you might try checking out a gay-friendly church such as the UCC (United Church of Christ) or the Episcopal Church (most Episcopal churches are pretty welcoming of gay people). Having a supportive church is really wonderful for a gay person.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me.

 

Hang in there! pianoguy

[JadedStar]

I am very sorry that your families ignorance of this caused you such discomfort, hurt and embarrasment. I think they way they handled it was simply appalling. Shocking really, that people are still this small minded.

 

I think you handled it very well in what you said to them.

 

YOu do realize it is their ignorance driving this, right? And not that there is anything inherently wrong with you? Their ignorance doesn't make this easier, but at least that can help you to understand why they handled it with such utter lack of grace and ineptitude.