I think we are nearing the end. Should i try and save us?

[Monster]

I apologize first off, this is probably going to be a pretty scattered post, much like my brain.

 

We had a real rocky start pre-marriage with her being stuck on her ex/first relationship. But we made it through and got married last september, have a beautiful 20 month old baby girl.

 

Basically, she has started being around a person from her/our (he used to be my friend, and how we met) past that I am 100% not comfortable with. A few months ago when we were having a rough time she was out with this person and other friends every night til all hours. she ended up telling me at one point this person forced himself upon her. but they still hung out quite a while after it happened. she said he was going through a very hard time too and they were very close friends etc.

 

Well, they stopped hanging out due to a falling out with other people in the group. Until recently. She goes out saying she is going christmas shopping, come to find out (a whole nother story) she met up with this guy and he said he was sorry and explained everything and why he did it etc. She forgave him and now they have been talking and texting etc and hanging out a lot.

 

I am 100% NOT comfortable with this whatsoever, but she doesn't care. She says she will prove that he can be trusted and they can be trusted together etc. But since she has said taht, she hasn't really done anything to prove it... besides now having a password lock on her phone full time, and going out and not talking to me for hours and coming home late again.

A small part of me, thinks he didnt force her, that she made a bad judgement call while we were in a bad spot.

 

On top of it, he used to be pretty innappropriate with her comments etc, and i told her that needs to stop. Lo and behold I run accross some things on her myspace (yea, childish) like comments or something from him saying things like "is this mistletoe above us or do i just wanna kiss you" and "i was having dirty thoughts about you today" etc.

 

In addition, a guy she used to be friends with, she told me absolutely nothing ever happened between them and she never cared about him more than a friend, well, there were messages in there discussing their past, her saying she loves him and always has for 5 years. saying sometimes she wishes things were different, and taht she tried giving him the chances but he never took them.

 

Logically i have kinda pulled away lately. I feel like * * * * for snooping but everytime I do i find something that shouldn't be happening. If i try and bring any of this up to her it will just turn into a huge fight with her exploding and turning it around on me etc.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't believe she has sexually cheated yet. I don't have a "smoking gun" per se, to pull out on her. All I have are these little nuances.

 

I love my wife to death, or i wouldn't have married her. But I just have no trust, and she doesn't make it easier for me to trust her either. What do i do?

 

Do i just turn the other cheek and trust her and if something happens i'm meant to know somehow i will? I don't want to hold any part of my heart back, especially when it comes to my wife. I want to go all in and just let us be happy, but im afraid. I hate snooping and don't want to anymore, but i don't want to be made a fool, like i have many times before by her.

 

Do i just cut my losses, and just get her out so she can be happy doing whatever she wants? It would be horrible for my baby, but she is young enough now. I would rather it be now than 5 years down the road, and live a marital lie for that long.

 

this is holding me back from a lot, I had been planning to join the Air Force, for the better of myself and family, but i have been pushing it back due to whats been happening lately, I don't want to make that jump and come back to not having a family after boot camp.

 

I'm so scared and lost. I just want to be a happy family.

[Pinkiepie]

You need counselling. Simple as that. If she refuses to go and won't change her ways, I would move on.

[catfeeder]

Awfully sorry for your pain. It doesn't sound as though there's anything to salvage. Please don't waste your money on marital counseling--it takes two to have a marriage, and she's not in this with you.

 

In your corner.

[Monster]

It's just so hard.. She is my wife, my love, my world. We vowed ourselves to eachother. She is all around (aside from this of course) and INCREDIBLE wife and mother, and she supports me in most everything i do. It's like she wants to be a good woman but can't ever just let certain things go.

 

I don't know. Marriage to me, is (was) forever, so the fighting side of me just doesn't want to give up. But I have done nothing but fight an uphill battle for us since the day we met

[Monster]

I don't want to sound like i am making excuses for her, but what if she is being truthful and faithful to me?

 

She's a different kind of girl for sure. She heals and forgives differently than you or I. Is it that bad to reminisce on the past? Though worryful she could possibly act upon it. I don't like the fact that she lied (multiple times) to me about it.

 

God, I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Edit: Holy crap... Divorce is a scary road (reading and learning at the moment). I think i would prefer my suspicions to be solidified before taking a jump such as this, at the same time, neither of us are happy.

[John Bendix]

The other advice you have gotten, makes alot of sense if all you are trying to do is cut your connection with your wife. It is true that counseling takes two if you are trying to renew a relationship. Counseling is only advice from someone who has experience (to differing degrees) in interpersonal relationships. The people on how they apply the advice are the key.

 

That being said, lying to an intimate partner can happen to various degrees and for a multitude of reasons. To lie this much, a person seems to be doing so in perceived self protection. They can set up a wall where nothing can get through that they perceive may be an attack upon their ego.

 

Even if nothing inappropriate is going on, some feel that they are threatened by the truth. It can go so far, as in pathological, that they do not even know what the actual truth is for they have deluded themselves for so long.

 

These would be signs of emotional distress. It would be something good to find out by seeing a therapist. She may deny (wall) that there is nothing wrong with her (at this point who knows) or that she is always telling the truth. A more hostile reaction may even occur. Even presented with evidence of actual lies, she could be capable of saying anything (rational or irrational) to ward it off.

 

Denial, as all therapists will tell you, is the hardest factor to deal with.