Need help, dumped by fiance

[Sturmhouse]

I'm 22. I'm a recent college grad currently working as a marketing manager for a medical supply company. I've been engaged for about 1.5 years, dating for almost 3, and known the girl for almost 6. I love her with all my heart, and she is (was) truly my best friend. My situation isn't altogether different from some I've read on here, but it does have some nuance that needs to be explored.

 

Basic gist: We started dating when I was 19, I had never had a girlfriend, she had been previously engaged. She dated the guy in highschool before he went to Iraq, and when he came home from duty he was a changed person, he proposed to her and she said yes out of fear that he would do something violent (to himself, if she said no). When he went back for more service, he came back and she had fallen for me (whom she had always had a crush on, but no gall to ask me out because I was so resistant to dating) and she broke it off with him. We talked for hours until 3, 4 in the morning sometimes. Purely platonic until it became obvious that we would be good together. So, we started dating and it became clear that we were a fantastic match - similar attitudes, agreeable on social issues, good sense of humor, physically attracted etc. We were very adamant about letting each other have space and not really making "drastic changes" to each other. She was a biology undergrad, I was a swimteam stud. If I needed time to do swim team stuff, she let me, if she needed time to study, I let her. After a few months, we mutually came to the conclusion that we should marry after college. We started planning the wedding, talked about it often and were very excited. A year later, I gave her a ring. I graduated, and moved home (2 hours away) to start work. She still had another year left (even though we're same age, she needed more hours). Her last semester has been grueling, many all nighter study sessions, and not much time to talk. When I would come to visit her (almost every other weekend), we didn't do much because she was so exhausted.

 

Last week she said she didn't know if she loved me anymore. I called her, frantic, and basically forced an answer out of her; after that day we were done, and she didn't love me anymore. She says she was infatuated with me, thought she loved me, but after it wore off there was nothing left. I found some messages in her e-mail from a guy romancing her. I knew about the guy, she had asked my permission to have coffee with him when we were still dating. I trusted her so I said it was fine.

 

I resolved to have "no contact" for a week until she said she wanted to meet, which she scheduled. However, the ambiguity of the situation drove me MAD cause I couldn't get the answers I wanted, and I took the e-mails to her parents. I didn't do it to get them mad at her, and I explained how much I love her and that I was just looking for answers. She found out, and was furious. I got an e-mail from her telling me that she never wants to hear my name spoken again, and she cited a list of reasons she broke it off with me.

 

Despite the anger, I was relieved to read the reasons because they were simple, correctable mistakes. It boils down to this: "Love is the irresistible desire to feel irresistibly desired." I never treated her like a girlfriend, I treated her like a platonic friend (with some added affection). I didn't show much PDA, I didn't give her girly gifts, never gave her flowers, didn't make a big deal on valentines day....She felt undesired, unattractive, and unloved. I really loved her with all my heart - but I didn't show it. I had never dated a girl before and she led me to believe that it was ok that way - that she didn't like it anyways. I didn't like the feeling of vulnerability that showing emotions like that caused, so I never did it.

 

So, I replied to the e-mail, addressing the issues and making sure not to beg or plead, but to simply explain that these issues were not unsolvable, and that I should be given at least one chance to correct them instead of breaking off an engagement. Of course, this didn't work.

 

I invited her to dinner on Monday, and tried to give her what I never did. A nice dinner, all expenses paid, and a surprise movie. I started off ok, making her laugh, talking like we used to...Then when we sat down things got heavy, I explained to her that the break up has caused me to really take a step back and look at things, and I've learned a lot. The changes she wants aren't drastic, they're things I want to do anyways I just couldn't have learned them any other way than a breakup. I made sure to say that I wasn't asking for her to take me back, but that I don't want her to forget about me and just move on...to consider and think about a second try. She said that right now, it's too late...her feelings are her feelings and she can't just recreate them. I understood that, but wanted the chance to recreate them for her.

 

We went to coffee after dinner, we talked some more, she said she doesn't even know who she is, wants to find her self - doesn't know what she's going to do after college. She has been planning a trip to argentina for 2 months to become fluent in spanish, and wants to go with no strings attached so she can find herself. At the end of the night, she asked how i felt about everything and I said of course I didn't expect you to take me back, but that I was expecting some consideration. She said "Give me some time."

 

So, I didn't talk to her until Christmas, when her parents and her invited me over for gift exchange. I bought her a laptop for christmas (ironically to talk to me more when she was in argentina), but I decided not to give it to her. At the get-together, I took her aside and said "You know I got you a laptop for christmas, but I'm not giving it to you for a couple reasons...the first is that you said you didn't want my gifts...The second is that you mentioned wanting to go to Argentina with no strings attached, and I don't want this laptop to be laying around, making you feel obligated to talk to me." She said "Well I want to talk to you anyways, you're one of my best friends." I said, well I'm not giving it to you but you know how I feel about you so I wanted to get you something and I figured I'd get you something I never got you while we were dating (flowers). I then said; I've had a lot of time to think about our situation and our relationship and I've come to realize that you must have felt extremely taken for granted, and undesired...Is that right?

 

"Yes"

 

"Well, I came to this realization and I've been feeling a lot of guilt and pain for making you feel that way, because you don't deserve to feel that way. It was my reluctance to feel vulnerable that did that, and I just want you to know that I'm truly truly sorry for doing that to you." She accepted the apology and gave me a hug. I said, I'm going to give you some time and space to think and I hope one day you'll let me have another crack at it, right now I think the break up is the right thing to do and you're too smart to just make a decision like this out of nowhere. I think you're right.

 

She said "Give me some time and we'll see how I feel."

 

Now, I have a plan to get back with her, but I just want to know if it's ok. I told her I was cool with the breakup, I'm going to give her the space she wants, and that I am sincerely sorry for the feelings I caused her to have.

 

Now, I plan to wait a month or so (unless she contacts me first) before I try to re-engage her. I want to start small, just an e-mail or a message...Then see if she'll see me for lunch. The problem is, she lives 2 hours away still. My brother goes to the same college, so I can stay with him and use it as an excuse to go out with her...But how * * * * ty are my odds now that she's far away? Should I tell her if I date someone else? It's much harder because she's farther away, what's the advice?

 

Also, is this different because we were engaged? Can I follow normal make-up rules even though she was my fiance?

 

Thanks.

[waveseer]

If someone bought me a laptop, told me they bought me a laptop, and didn't give me the laptop I would be highly pissed off and I would feel they were trying to manipulate me in some way. Maybe she doesn't see it that way, but flowers die.

[Lionel Hutz]

^ Yea that seemed like a last ditch effort to say "look im trying" thats okay though. My grasp on this girl is that she is a peek a boo type. If you are not in her immediate surroundings she gets bored and need afirmations: Flowers, candy, cards, etc. Not that she does not deserve those things but to me she really sounds like an "out of sight, out of mind type." Especially in regards to her vet. b/f. For now let her be as she wishes. Do not tell her if you are dating someone else. Whats the point? Do your thing, she may return, she may not. All you can do is prepare to be independent, and if she comes back, you will be better than before and have more knowledge about reacting to her needs. Best wishes, don't wait for her.

[Sturmhouse]

Oh I meant to say also that our relationship started by talking at great length online. We would talk for hours and hours and hours...The more she studied the less we did that. I want to stick to the "no contact" and "give her space" mantra, but I feel like, ironically, it was those things that did us in the first place. She won't all of the sudden "miss me" because for the last few months she's already not had me around and gotten used to not talking to me. So do I continue with the plan of a month of no contact, or should I take a different route?

[Sturmhouse]

If someone bought me a laptop, told me they bought me a laptop, and didn't give me the laptop I would be highly pissed off and I would feel they were trying to manipulate me in some way. Maybe she doesn't see it that way, but flowers die.

 

I thought that, but she was the dumper - she can't and doesn't expect to get anything from me. I know flowers are so cliched, but that is the reason I NEVER got them during our relationship. I mean, never..She never once got flowers from me. She knows that I'm serious by the fact that I actually got them this time. I told her I wouldn't be selling the laptop, taking it back (I can't) or using it...it's just sitting in a closet. She said she didn't expect me to give her such an expensive gift and she seemed fine with it.

[Wolf_22]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Man, it must hurt!

 

After reading all that, I think you should find someone who is better for you (notice distinction between "better for you" and simply, "better"). You seem like a respectable, mature young man who deserves someone a bit less "unstable" and ambiguous. Try to find someone a little less selfish and who has more direction in their life. Yes, the laptop incident was a bit over the edge, but what were you thinking getting it for her to begin with, let alone, checking her e-mails!? That's very unhealthy behavior.

 

The good news out of this, from what I can gather, is that this will give you time to learn and realize that you can find someone better suited for your needs and desires.

 

 

[Lionel Hutz]

All you can do is what she has asked. Thats what she may respect most. You want her to be happy with you not annoyed right? So do what she has asked of you.

[Sturmhouse]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Man, it must hurt!

 

After reading all that, I think you should find someone who is better for you (notice distinction between "better for you" and simply, "better"). You seem like a respectable, mature young man who deserves someone a bit less "unstable" and ambiguous. Try to find someone a little less selfish and who has more direction in their life. Yes, the laptop incident was a bit over the edge, but what were you thinking getting it for her to begin with, let alone, checking her e-mails!? That's very unhealthy behavior.

 

The good news out of this, from what I can gather, is that this will give you time to learn and realize that you can find someone better suited for your needs and desires.

 

 

 

 

In retrospect, it really was me who was the problem. I know it may seem like fodder for me to say that she was so good for me yaddy yadda, but she was - I just didn't know how to return the favor. The problem I'm having now though, is that I do know what went wrong and I know how to fix it. The whole breakup has changed my mentality - something she probably struggled to do in the relationship since I was so happy, and perceived her as so happy. My obstacle now is to convince her that I am willing to feel vulnerable because I have learned how to feel that way through the breakup.

 

I got her the laptop for her because she wanted one to go to Argentina with, and I preinstalled chat software on it so we could communicate more. I checked her e-mails because we know each other's passwords to everything. We were very trusting and loving, she knows my bank pin number, my passwords to facebook, e-mail, AIM...everything. About two weeks before it happened, her facebook password changed and I just didn't think anything of it. After the breakup though, I began to get suspicious of that, and finally found some e-mails.

 

We're not even on bad terms right now...we had a nice christmas visit and we talked like friends...It's just that she's no longer "attracted to me" and believes that the problems we had were a result of my unchangeable personality - which simply isn't true. I pressed her on this issue and asked if there were other personality traits she hated, like my sense of humor or my interests. She said no, that what she mentioned in the e-mail was the gist of it. These are not personality traits, they were just mistakes I made because I had never been with anyone before. Correctable. I'm just trying to find the best way to reattract her to me, I suppose giving her what she asked (suggested above) is the best course of action right now.

[SighSob]

Your story is really similar to most of the ones I've read around these board actually...the bottom line is: your girl dumped you saying she needed some space. What you can do is...go no contact. If she is an "out of sight, out of mind" girl I don't see the point of staying together anyways lol...and I'm not saying it lightly, I am in your same situation and if my girl doesn't miss me...it means she doesn't deserve me at all. That should apply to your relationship too...

[waveseer]

I thought that, but she was the dumper - she can't and doesn't expect to get anything from me. I know flowers are so cliched, but that is the reason I NEVER got them during our relationship. I mean, never..She never once got flowers from me. She knows that I'm serious by the fact that I actually got them this time. I told her I wouldn't be selling the laptop, taking it back (I can't) or using it...it's just sitting in a closet. She said she didn't expect me to give her such an expensive gift and she seemed fine with it.

 

I think you need to look inward for the real reason you had to tell her that you bought her the laptop at all.

[Sturmhouse]

I think you need to look inward for the real reason you had to tell her that you bought her the laptop at all.

 

Well, I originally told her in the e-mail. The cat was out of the bag, so I just wanted to explain why I didn't get it for her. Here is the original excerpt:

 

You deserve to be treated like royalty sometimes, you really do. But let me give you an example of where my mind was on this issue. Before I came down for your graduation my mom approached me and said "Corey, can I give you some motherly advice?"

 

Sure.

 

"This is just some motherly advice. I think you should bring Chelsey some flowers for her graduation."

 

"Ehhh, i don't really do that."

 

"Yeah corey, but she'll like it."

 

"No she won't she'll think I'm being fake."

 

"No, she'll think it's special because you don't usually do it."

 

"No, she'll think I listened to you and just did it cause you told me to."

 

"What does it matter, girls like flowers and she'll think it was nice."

 

She was right. I believed so vehemently that you loved me as I was and didn't want me to change that you didn't even want flowers because it would be out of character for me. This is a real conversation I had with my mom, and you can ask her if you don't believe me. Another reason for justifying not buying flowers for you was because I bought you a laptop for christmas for argentina and I paid a dental bill that week and I was really hurting for money - I just thought you would have been like "Oh he's just trying to schmooze me." I wish I had a * * * * ing clue. Understand, that it is my job to figure out ways to treat people like royalty. It's what I do for a living. I buy treats for PRMs, I bring bagels to social workers, I talk sweet to them, find ways to make their job easier. I'm not comparing our relationship to my career, but you KNOW, as a salesman, I am capable of being a sweetheart - I just thought you didn't care, so why bother?

[waveseer]

Now that you've explained your career and your relationship with your mother I understand completely.

[prinzbsr]

From what I can see it looks like she just wants some time. Maybe the whole trip to Argentina was making her worry about things.

 

Interestingly I kind of see myself in a distant similar situation. My question to the repliers that hopefully will also help this thread is, Is it ok to break NC to say you understand why they broke things off and that you hope they will reconsider?

 

It looks like it might have worked here...??

[Sturmhouse]

Now that you've explained your career and your relationship with your mother I understand completely.

 

Thanks for the help.

[franfran]

This must hurt...really bad. I didn't go through the same thing but the way you're feeling reminds me of myself. I'm about your age, thought I was going to marry the guy I was with, and all of a sudden he doesn't love me anymore? There's not much you can do.

 

I think you should take some time off from here so you can step back from the relationship and think about things. Maybe you two really aren't right for each other. Love is blind, I've learned this the hard way, but now I am happy I'm not with my ex, who I would have died for, anymore. Use this time away from her as time to grow. I know right now she is your whole entire world...but really, she's just one person. She's not that great, obviously.

 

It might take a couple months for this to sink in.

[redhearts]

She only wants time apart to date other guys. She knows she may have you wrapped around her finger and a ring waiting for her. So she is just going around to see what else is out there. Don't sit around waiting for her.

[Sturmhouse]

I dunno. I've had 3 or 4 months to be away from my ex. I didn't miss her all the time, but I still do love her and eagerly awaited her finishing up with school so we could live together. She says she can't see me as more than a friend, and she didn't miss me romantically - but did miss me as a friend.

 

Well no wonder; I treated her like a friend, of course she would feel like one. Part of the pain is the prospect of never talking to that buddy of mine who I had so many good conversations with. However, it became romantic for me because she provided me with that admiration and loving support. Telling me little things about myself that made me feel loved and admired. I didn't give that to her. If only I could have another shot at it, I could be her best buddy AND tell her on a regular basis how great she looks, how good she is, and how smart she is. That's really my main focus - is getting another chance. Luckily, I don't really need another "Ok we're dating" I just need some dates and conversations to sort of reignite the flame and then I can show her my newfound ability to be open and emotional.