Planning to go NC

[sj9ers]

So me and my ex met at work at our lifeguard job over the summer and we were together for two months. She was happy for the most part it seemed, but told our mutual friends she was always use to dating jerks and players and wasn't use to dating a guy like me someone who would always try to make her happy. Well the last time I saw her before the breakup she was fine, but then a week later she dumped me which was September 7th. Before we broke up she told one of my friends who told me that she really wasn't sure if she wanted to break up with me or if she wanted me as a bf or friend and that she still liked me but was getting kind of bored with things and wanted to keep me as a friend because something might develop later. Well after she dumped me she told me not to call or text her and that she would call me when she was ready. Well after a month and a half of NC I missed her greatly and emailed her saying basically that maybe we rushed into things before we got to know each other more and that maybe we should be just friends and she emailed me back saying that she did want to be friends. Well since then I've hung out with her once at a hangout at the end of October with friends which was awkward because it was my first time seeing her and we were emailing and texting after still.

 

Were still in contact, she texted me a Happy Birthday on the 24th and also texted me a a merry xmas, but I really don't think being friends with her right now is a good idea. During our contact we haven't ever talked about us getting back together even though I want to, but I don't know how to bring it up. Looking back I should have waited for her to call me knowing that I still had feelings for her and I thought by being friends with her I could win her back over. Right now I'm at the point where I'll still think about her once in a while, but I'm not completely over her. I'm going to go NC now since it seems like I'm always initiating the contact lately and she has been nice in replying to all of them but nothing has really been said between us that indicates that there's something more there from her although it would be a lot easier to judge if I saw her in person.

 

If during the NC she contacts me I was just wondering how or when should I respond to her? For a while I've been wanting to talk to her about "us" and about things between us. If she does contact me even with a simple "hey how are u doing?" I just want to bring it up and tell her how I feel and that unless she wants to discuss things between us that it's better that she doesn't speak to me so I can completely move on. Thoughts?

 

Thanks

[ZoeMatthews]

During NC, you should not contact her at all. I will tell you from experience, having married the guy who dumped my ass that made me join this site in the first place, that your ex will not appreciate what she let go until YOU LET HER GO. I have found that those who do the dumping always, for some stupid reason, always think that the grass is always greener.

 

My husband tells me now that he cannot believe he almost lost me.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Z.

[catfeeder]

I just want to bring it up and tell her how I feel and that unless she wants to discuss things between us that it's better that she doesn't speak to me so I can completely move on. Thoughts?

 

Not a good idea. Move on anyway, and she will catch up to you if she ever wants to. She already has you in her pocket, and she already knows that. Confirming it is redundant and could cost you any hope of ever having her view you in a more mature and dignified way that she can respect. You're too good to be 'settled for' and if you pursue that scenario, even if you get her to cave you'll know the true score--and you'll set yourself up for a more dismal repeat of the last round.

 

Lots of people go through long phases of life believing that love equates to nothing more than the excitement of the chase. Unfortunately, she's one of those people. The only way you ever even knew anything honest about her was through gossip by other people. That's not deep.

 

She'll need to meet you on higher ground someday, and that's not likely to be soon. She doesn't own the capacity to appreciate your value until she grows past any belief that she's settling for niceness instead of conquering shiny ego games with players.

 

Push forward and motivate yourself to become solidly committed to your own goals and interests and talents. This will be your true triumph, and whether she's able to appreciate it or not will speak of her limitations--not yours. By the time she sees you next summer (or whenever), you may not even be sure that you're all that interested in her. THAT is when you can both meet as equals and explore something beyond the dynamics of a power imbalance.

 

In your corner.