venting letter

[pushforward]

pent up emotions, just venting and getting off my chest.

 

 

Dear ____,

 

I hope you had a safe flight. My imagination is running rampant of what could have been. Reality is dragging me back and I don't like you. I don't like you cheating on me. I don't like the dishonesty. I don't like the year and a half where we were an amazing couple and you changed. Complete 180, I don't recognize you anymore. I guess I never really knew who you were. What I really hate the most is people telling me I have to learn how to play this "game". I don't want to play games with the ones I love. I just want to be me, give love and receive it. Did I really need to be a jerk to keep you? Is this what all girls want? Nice guys finish last huh?

 

So many questions and so little time. It hurts knowing that with you, I never played any games, I didn't have to ignore you for you to love me and appreciate me. Now I have to go out into the world and find somebody else that will love me without playing this whole game. I never confided so much into one person and have them betray me this way. I feel humiliated and ashamed. It's even worse that I'm not even mad about it anymore. I just really want the residual pain and emotions to go away. I don't want to remember you or anything. Life used to be easy and had a purpose when you were with me. For awhile, I really thought you gave my life meaning. That God made me for you and you for me. That we completed each other, now I'm starting to figure things out. I'm naive and need more experience in this life. You don't give my life meaning, you don't complete me. That whole in love experience was just you being around, coincidentally when I was at my happiest.

 

Just a correlation, a bad one. You are not the source of my happiness. You are the source of my pain and discomfort. Everything negative about me, you bring out. My insecurity, my jealousy, my rage, it's all bad. I had to cut you out of my life so I wouldn't go on this self destructive path. This is the first time that I ever had to put ME before YOU and it hurts a lot. I really thought you're supposed to love the "one" more than yourself, but I guess you have to love yourself the most first and foremost. I guess my definition of love is skewed because if my innocence. However, I don't want to lose sight of that. I'm grasping at imaginary things and moving on to the future.

 

I'm lost in the thought of you. Sometimes the emotions come back, with pain, with hate and as crazy as this sounds... love. The emo side of me is coming out now. You know I really loved you. Right? I never thought I was capable of loving another person because of the hurt that I've been through. Having been abused as a kid, having my Dad murdered, having my Mom abandoning me at birth. I always thought I was this cold machine with no purpose in life. Just wasting away and wishing somebody would take this pain away. That person was you. I really took my time to get to know you before I let you close. I took every precaution I could. I told myself that you know, she doesn't seem like she would ever hurt me. I paid for this lesson in blood, sweat and tears.

 

You will never understand how hard it is to deal with all of my past. As soon as you left, I finally figured out, I never grieved anything in my life properly. This is the worse thing that I've ever gone through. I've constantly lost somebody I love. I constantly end up getting hurt, what's wrong with me? I just can't quite put my finger on it. Did I love you too much? Am I too passionate? So passionate, that it killed my first and only relationship? You really pulled a number on me. All I did was let you close. Close to my heart and that's where you'll be for the rest of my life. I will always remember this experience and grow from it. I'm not sure who I'll change into, but I've done nothing but good, so I figure I'll run with it.

 

It's Christmas day and all I feel is lonely and sad. The happiest day of the year and I can't even bring a smile to my face. I'm facing the loss of you and the loss of my past. It's a befitting day to say goodbye for good. You don't deserve me. I am special, you will be thankful you got to know me and some of my past. However, you will not know my future. I will shine ever so brightly in this pain. I am closest to God and my dreams. I know what it takes to make a relationship work and to make myself happy. I've learned many things and there is still plenty to learn. I'm glad that you taught me my first lesson in love and first lesson in deep betrayal.

 

Now I know that people change and nobody is obligated to do anything to you or for you. That was my mistake thinking people always had my best intentions in mind, because I sure do that. It's odd how I vicariously gain happiness through giving and loving others. Maybe I'm not as selfish as people want me to be, but I think that's the best way to be.

 

I wish you well and I'm happy that I didn't shed a single tear as I wrote this. I'm getting stronger. You no longer have as much control as you did before. One day I will forget you completely and that will be the saddest/happiest day of my life. I will have lost a part of me that I value, but I will have also lost the pain you carved into my heart. Forever you name will be etched into me. A first true love is to be never forgotten, but in your case of cheating, I think there can be an exception for that.

 

It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Sorry, I would have rather not loved you. In this experience, I've learned, love is pain. I have to stop loving you for the pain to go away. As soon as I relive in the good in my mind, I fall for you all over again. Into a spiral of madness where I would do anything to make you happy and smile. Then I am reminded of what you did and who you are. I have to replay the sadness, the anger and the bitterness. In order to get over you, there must not be any good things about you. I can no longer associate the word love with you. I can no longer associate happiness with you. I cannot picture your face when I think of love. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't love you.

 

You drive me mad with conflicting thoughts. This pain has disfigured me, I don't recognize myself anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry for the long rant. I had to get it out, nobody acknowledges my feelings and that's what I need most right now. Everybody tries to appeal to my logic side, you deserve better, you'll find better. Blah blah blah. I can't change how I feel or control it. It's impossible and people don't seem to understand this because they are not in pain like me. People are completely oblivious to me and that just angers me.

 

Thanks for being here ENA. I'm GOING CRAZY.

[doyathink]

I hope it gets easier for ya man. I know you're having a hell of a time over this. Sucks ass! But believe me....we know your pain. Thats what brought us here.

[NewPhillyGuy]

push, we're here for you, dude. I hope you are feeling better today.

[pushforward]

I hope it gets easier for ya man. I know you're having a hell of a time over this. Sucks ass! But believe me....we know your pain. Thats what brought us here.

 

Thanks, I hope it gets easier too.

 

push, we're here for you, dude. I hope you are feeling better today.

 

Thanks, I feel so so. I don't know what it is with mornings, but that's the hardest. Lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep, telling myself I will let go eventually. Convincing myself that this happened for a reason. I'm not as hurt as before, but it's still there. In all honesty, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've done all I can and the rest is out of my hands. Just taking it day by day and looking forward to a better tomorrow.

[franfran]

Don't torture yourself with all these thoughts push. You said yourself you've done all that you can. Everything is going to be okay...

[pushforward]

Experiencing the lost of a love one. Grieving over somebody who was important. Feeling another low coming on. Hanging on to hope, a hope to get better. No longer will I be confused, I want my life back and you out of it. All you do is hurt me now. I don't know why my imagination is out of sync with my life and on yours. How you and the new guy are so happy. How I am a broken man and I must overcome this. This bothers me a lot.

 

Letting you go should be so easy. You cheated and hurt me. I should be able to move on so easily right? How do you just say goodbye to somebody you wanted to spend your life with. How do you embrace the present when all I do is look to the past. My body is going through withdrawals of you. It aches to hold your hand, to taste your lips or to caress your face. It misses your warmth and the happiness you once gave.

 

I'm breaking the addiction of you. I'm tired of hurting and this feeling of emptiness. Tired of beating myself up and torturing myself. When I know I did nothing wrong. Yet a darker side of me is convincing me otherwise. It's funny how things work out. I'm waiting for the day for things to work out for me. Live it up while you can. In a few months, you'll realize you won't find nobody better than me. I hope you learned a valuable lesson in throwing me away. Stringing me along and toying with my emotions.

 

I'm glad that I can honestly say, I gave it my all and tried to work things out. Now it's time to go our separate ways. A new year and a new beginning. You won't recognize me the next time you see me. I won't be the blundering cry baby you left. I won't be that needy fool who cried so many nights over you. I will become more than I ever was to you. I will be a better man because of this experience. You won't bring me down anymore. You are no longer my excuse to hurt. To play the victim, to be this broken record sobbing over a girl.

 

You aren't my everything, you aren't even anything to me. You are losing your power. You'd best be thanking the Lord because I would have done something stupid to myself if he did not give me strength to see this out to the end.

 

One day I will rise above the ashes. I won't hang on to your burning ship. I won't get dragged down. You won't live the great life I envisioned, I will. You're just living a lie. Convince yourself that problems in life go away with a new guy. I hope he can tolerate your drama. Your self mutilation, your addictive personality, you hopping from one relationship to the next. All of it, I would have stood by you as your man. I'm glad you dumped me, I'm glad you cheated. Now I know I can move on. I know I won't ever take you back. You set me free to find the one that's meant for me. I'm setting you free because I finally realized, what I'm looking for... is not you and will not ever be.

 

Time is kind and will be on my side. I hope the ones you love will stay by your side, I know your self destructive side and I was always there to pull you out of it. I was never dragging you down, I was always pulling you up. I pray that you grow up and find yourself one of these days.

 

YOU WILL NEVER GET THE BEST OF ME. YOU WILL NEVER FIND SOMEBODY BETTER THAN ME. YOU ARE HAPPY RIGHT NOW, BUT IT'S JUST TEMPORARY.

 

Thanks ______, for destroying me completely and obliterating my heart. My future love will thank you for setting me on this path to betterment. In this pain I will grow and improve. I will fill the void that you have left. I will pick myself up and use all of these experiences as motivation. I will be great one day.