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Starting Over - So many things to do!!

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Hi everyone, hope your Christmas has been good.


As for me I spent it alone for the first time in 5 years whew! Nice and quiet, nobody acting out, drama, worrying, fighting just total peace for once in a long time...thank goodness!!


Well, I have been busy these past few weeks getting ready to start my new single life...so much work, but it's exciting. I will feel so much better the day I put my things on the truck and move out of here.


It's very hard to live in a place you shared with your ex not to mention all the druggies, bad memories, and headaches I had to endure. I hate having to stay in my room when I am off because it's so bad out and I am so tired from working so much and then my roommate smokes like a chimney.....so depressing. Sad part is I am happier when I am at work with my co-workers...that is truly pathetic.


Anyway, the good part is my ex hasn't tried to contact me since I speed away leaving him in the street. I am not sure if he talks to my roommate, because I never even mention his name nor ask about him EVER! It's hard when your roommate is friends with your ex and so I just keep to myself and not rock the boat.


I fill my days with work and taking care of business. I have packed all my belongings so when the day comes I just have to load it on the truck and drive away. I have scaled down tremendously on my things...went through all my personal effects to throw away everything I don't need or want. I deleted my ex and his mother's phone number off my phone, my roommate took the rest of his things down to the laundry room in case he comes around.


I am being good to myself and bought myself a dremel with attachments for Christmas, and on the 10th of Jan I have an appointment for the beginning of my complete makeover and then start school on the 14th.


On New Year's day I am going to my favorite restaurant by the ocean and have a great buffet...I took my ex there once and he complained about everything...grrrrr. I was thinking right after my meal jog down to the end of the pier that is next to the restaurant to toss the diamond with sapphire earrings and necklace he gave me the first year together into the ocean. What do you think?


I found on google search my mother's name and address and want to contact her after not speaking to her for at least 12 years. I miss her alot, she was my best buddy and we did so much together when I was in my 20's, but for a long time things had been strained between us over some reason I don't even recall. I have family, but choose to stay away from them because I didn't want them to see me in a bad state and in a terrible relationship.


I have been looking at apartments several times a week and seen some that are pretty reasonable, but I think perhaps I might take the money I save and look into paying the down payment on a condo that has foreclosed on someone and take over their monthly payments instead of renting an apartment, but time will tell.


Lately I have been cutting back on things or luxuries I don't need, writing to all my creditors to close my accounts and possibly reduce unnecessary fees, pay more on what I owe, not eat out, but once a month, and save the money. I even went to my job requesting them to pay for my uniforms, books, and tuition, in which they did...I will take that money and put it towards my new place. Once a month I will purchase something I need for my new place so by the time I move I won't have to worry for dishes, beds, towels...etc.


Guess you can say I am trying desperately to fix my broken life and at 44 it's freakin hard. My ex was like a tornado, everything that came into his path was destroyed...now I am left trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, my finances, and at this point I am in the survival mode.


My dad allowed me to come stay with him and even didn't fuss over the fact my ex came there often to see me even though my father was recently widowed, but could my ex give him a bit of consideration? OH NO of course not...he tortured my dad calling him names, and destroying his home, then leaving obscene words in black marker in big words all over his garage...even went as far make me think he was some monster.


Heck for the first time in my life I just wanted to open my heart to someone and love them with everything I had, and all I got was kicked on the ground and stomped into the dirt and of course when I have to finally say to myself enough is enough and walk away then I am the rotten ex gf. His loser druggie friends were more important than me....they never did anything good for him...heck I didn't see them come over here and wash his poopy underwear or fix him a hot meal.


There is nothing he can ever in this lifetime do or say to get me back...yes, I am still hurting, but I am a stubborn ole girl and when I say it's over you had better believe it's OVER!


All I know is he didn't deserve me and for sure he wasn't worthy of my love and devotion and you can surely bet I will never contact him again....little by little I am throwing away things he gave me.


I am trying so very hard not to hate this guy and wish him the best, but there is a part of me that wants him to suffer and fail in everything. I believe in karma so I do my very best to make sure I don't start wishing him the worst. If he is doing better then I know deep down it's because I helped him in some way, but I don't have the power to fix him so he needs to find a way to do it himself. If it was meant to be then we would be together now.


When you don't have any trust, respect, or admiration for the other person then what is left? I tried real hard to feel differently about him when he was coming around trying to win me back, but my head was stronger than my heart and I told him to stay away from me forever!


Well, soon it will be a new year and I intend to find the courage and the strength to reclaim my life again. As long and as I breathe there is a reason I am here and I will stay here until the great spirit takes me home!!!

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[...] On New Year's day I am going to my favorite restaurant by the ocean and have a great buffet...I took my ex there once and he complained about everything...grrrrr. I was thinking right after my meal jog down to the end of the pier that is next to the restaurant to toss the diamond with sapphire earrings and necklace he gave me the first year together into the ocean. What do you think?


I think you're doing a terrific job of pushing yourself through this. The only thing I'd suggest reconsidering is whether tossing perfectly good jewelry into the ocean is all that cathartic, when you can either donate it to a charity (they're all hurting right now) or sell it to a jeweler and get some satisfaction out of spending that money on yourself.


In your corner.

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I like your attitude.


Don't throw your jewelry in the ocean!!! It might be liberating, but I agree with Cat, either donate it to a good cause, or sell it and use the money on something you wouldn't have normally bought when you were with your ex... When mine pays me back I am going to Hawaii!! Woo! At the very least, just walk outside and give it to the first person you see....their reaction alone would be enough to make your month!! haha

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Your right! I will do something good with the money from the jewelry...I shall save it perhaps...guess I will decide later on what to do with it. But, I am still going to go have my buffett brunch at one of my favorite seaside restaurants then take a jog down to the end of the pier.


I am also going to spend the next 6 to 8 months (before summer is over looking into buying a condo/house while the market is down).


Thanks for your advice and support...hugs and happy holidays to everyone.

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