letting go

[homeagain]

i'm having trouble just letting go. a lot has happened since our break up, but it's obvious that there is no future together. i keep wanting to make excuses for him to be different, i keep wanting to give him more chances... but i just end up disappointed. i know this is probably where i just start nc again and wall him out... but it's so hard. are there others out there that have yo-yoed, only to be perpetually disappointed? how do you stop the cycle? is there anything to help in the short term?

[UCLAMike]

i know that you like him a lot, but sometimes we cannot have what we want right away. I think if you really like this guy you have to give him a time out. Go NC for a while and let him feel it. Let him realize what he's missing and break him. Only then he will learn. For now, protect yourself. Don't be fooled by your current emotion as you know it will only lead to another disappointment. Stay strong. Go NC temporarily. I am not advocating that you cut him out of your life forever. Take advice from this forum with a grain of salt. I hope you find yourself happy again. Remember, you cannot change him. But give yourself couple months of NC and think this through. By the end of your NC if you still feel like he is the one for you, then let him know.

[mariposa81]

Hi Homeagain,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You know I can relate to how you feel. Wanting to keep giving someone chance after chance thinking that maybe THIS time, things will be different. I'm on my last chance with the ex. I've gone NC over the holiday (I haven't called him at all and the only times I've talked are when HE'S contacted ME) which has given me a lot of clarity and given him time to think about things as well. When he returns, we're going to decide whether or not to give things one more shot. If he disappoints me again, I'm going to have to throw in the towel.

 

So no, you're not the only one who has gone through this.

 

Sometimes you have to see someone for who and what they really are. It's hard sometimes but necessary so that you stop seeing only the good when in reality they cause you so much pain. I know how hard it is to give up on someone you love so much.

 

Take some time out for yourself and go NC. Like UCLAMike said, I'm not advocating that you cut him out forever either unless there are, for example, core differences in future goals and values that would make it realistically impossible for you two to have a future together. But try to focus on yourself for a while. Find happiness in your friends, family...focus on other relationships and give the one with the ex a break for a bit. This will also help you get stronger. See how you feel after you go NC so that you can perhaps make a decision more objectively.

[Aschleigh]

I was afraid of letting go because I was afraid I would not have that love in my life if I let go. But I haven't talked to my ex in a year and I still feel love for him. I feel more love for myself when I am not around him and that turns out to be more important.

Give it some time to heal. You don't have to give up hope or love or possibility that things may someday be different. Some day things will certainly be different. Use this time to become who you really want to be and then this person or someone more deserving will have a very good place to be with you.

[homeagain]

thanks, everyone. holidays suck. my head says leave him, but my heart says, "maybe he can change?"

 

he's not going to change. it's been three months, and i'm back to reading all the forums on here compulsively like when the break up was new.

 

i need to just move on, but i just feel so low right now.

[catfeeder]

This might not be popular because all the straight talk suggests accepting what you just plain can't accept right now. I don't disagree with straight talk, I've just never been able to pull it off without tricking myself with little 'reward' fantasies of how things will play out in the future.

 

So I've told myself that when I see him again in 6 months, I'll have lost 5 years off my appearance, gained a promotion at work, lost 10 pounds, regained my self respect, etc. ...

 

Point is, this kind of thinking is what got me out of bed every morning feeling more energized and more determined to enforce NC for 6 months. So what if it was delusional, the goal spared me self abuse. Sure enough, the whole fantasy started to weaken and matter less and less over time as I started engaging healthy pursuits once again.

 

If you believe that things could work out with him in the future, then make a window of time for that goal so you'll understand that 'future' does not mean 'now'.

 

Then you're free to work on yourself and deal with the future later--when you're on higher ground.

 

In your corner.

[franfran]

Homeagain!!! HI!!!

 

You helped me a lot with the first thread I ever started here a few months ago. You reflected a lot on your relationship as well, and I really think you should go back and read some of the stuff you wrote. Remind yourself how much of a better person you are, and how much more you deserve....

 

 

[homeagain]

Homeagain!!! HI!!!

 

You helped me a lot with the first thread I ever started here a few months ago. You reflected a lot on your relationship as well, and I really think you should go back and read some of the stuff you wrote. Remind yourself how much of a better person you are, and how much more you deserve....

 

]

 

thanks, franfran. i guess i'm feeling too rejected and back to the sad place to have listened to my own inner voice. thanks for reminding me that i have the answers. they just seem really hard to actualize right now.

[franfran]

You do have the answers....You know you do! Find it in yourself to overcome this little hump.... Key word "little"!! You will snap out of it soon enough, I know it

[Seymore]

As far as cutting someone out of your life for good...that depends on the circumstances. If you've given them chance after chance (and I mean 5-10 big chances) and they've blown it, I say throw in the towel, especially if it's something that's detrimental to your future. Yes, they may change and you leaving may knock them out of whatever was draining your relationship, but it's a big risk that in another year things haven't changed one bit.