How do I get a date?

[smiley1979]

I'm 29 y/o and I've never been on a date or had a boyfriend. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about how to go about getting a date. I am very shy so I'd rather the guy approach me but how do I get him to approach me especially since I have no experience asking anyone out? How can I tell if he's interested in me?

[Luke Skywalker]

Put up an internet profile?

[redhearts]

link removed? The people who go on there to date, well you'll know that they want to date. Then if they keep talking to you, well you will know they are interested!

[Ammy]

Internet dating is a good place to start for shy people.. It helps you break that first barrier of going on dates etc.. and means you get the skills with which to better date in everyday life as well..

 

I was 25, no experience of dating, went on a string of dates this year from the internet and feel I now am much more competent with dating that I can dabble in both online and regular meeting people out and about.

 

Ammy

[shy2cool]

Internet dating is a good place to start for shy people.. It helps you break that first barrier of going on dates etc.. and means you get the skills with which to better date in everyday life as well..

 

I was 25, no experience of dating, went on a string of dates this year from the internet and feel I now am much more competent with dating that I can dabble in both online and regular meeting people out and about.

 

Ammy

 

The internets has lead me nowhere!!!

 

Glad to see that it has worked for you though!

[Altruist]

I wouldn't recommend plentyoffish for a first-timer.

[smiley1979]

link removed? The people who go on there to date, well you'll know that they want to date. Then if they keep talking to you, well you will know they are interested!

I've done that already but I haven't met anyone yet. If I do meet someone online I am usually too shy to meet them in person.

[hmdreamer7]

If you're interested in the bar scene, try going there. Smile and make eye contact as much as you can. Even if no one approaches you it will be a good start. If a guy is interested in you though, he will most likely do the same... smile back and hold your eye contact. Then you could mouth 'hi,' or give him a little flirty wave.

 

If the bar isn't your thing though, then how about a joining a club, like a book club, gym, or doing volunteer work. You'd be meeting new people, and the possibility of meeting eligible bachelors!

[Bartok]

I wouldn't recommend plentyoffish for a first-timer.

Why? Asking this as another first timer that can't seem to find places to meet people.

[Ammy]

Smiley, online dating is only good if you meet the people

 

But seriously, as long as you're careful with who you meet (i.e. screen well) and meet in a public place and let someone know where you're going.. I think it's worth the effort. If nothing else it gets you out there and meeting people and enhancing your dating skills!

 

Ammy

[Ammy]

The internets has lead me nowhere!!!

 

Glad to see that it has worked for you though!

 

Haha it hasn't got me a relationship.. but it's helped me develop my skills a little. Until I did online dating I hadn't been out on a date ever!!!!! It helped me gain some confidence and knowledge of dating ettiquette (along with this very helpful forum!!).

 

Shy, have you been meeting girls? Do you contact many girls? How long does it take for you to ask them to meet? What happened?

 

You could get it working for you.. I have heard lot of success stories if you use it correctly and target the right people!

 

Ammy

[jaysfan2000]

Haha it hasn't got me a relationship.. but it's helped me develop my skills a little. Until I did online dating I hadn't been out on a date ever!!!!! It helped me gain some confidence and knowledge of dating ettiquette (along with this very helpful forum!!).

 

Same here. I am 25 now and didn't have my first date until 24 and that was through online dating. I used it as a tool to improve my social skills and get used to how women act/think/etc. My inexperience showed a lot, but you live and learn through experience, and often times mistakes.

 

The trouble with online dating is the general flakiness of the people involved. Getting someone to agree to meet you (and actually come through) is like trying to find a dry spot in the ocean. That's in addition to the general BS you have to shovel through before getting to the important stuff.

 

I feel the OP's pain, as it can frustrating to not have luck with dating (I've not only been there...I am still there), but from my experience, I can only suggest online dating.

[xxNPxx]

I've been a big online dater because I just can't get dates any other way. I haven't been on any dates but I have been shot down way more times than a guy needs to. That says a lot since I have a pretty decent personality, lots of money, education, bright future, above average looks, and more hobbies than I can count.

 

Unless you can hypnotize a women through the internet, don't expect a relationship through it. I've got 2 phone numbers from women that either were poor and ignorant or just plain stupid. I've emailed women I wouldn't even normally think about chatting with and rarely get a reply. Even if I keep the message short, unless I say something like cocky and funny I get no results.

 

I've been to 5 dating sites. Sent more then 50 messages and had a return of about 5-10. 2 lead to phone calls, 2 were women cussing me out, and the rest were just dead ends.

 

I do agree that it is an experience that has become useful. At first I was nervous about sending simple emails to another girl, no I don't have much problem chatting with random ladies over the phone.

[shy2cool]

Haha it hasn't got me a relationship.. but it's helped me develop my skills a little. Until I did online dating I hadn't been out on a date ever!!!!! It helped me gain some confidence and knowledge of dating ettiquette (along with this very helpful forum!!).

 

Shy, have you been meeting girls? Do you contact many girls? How long does it take for you to ask them to meet? What happened?

 

You could get it working for you.. I have heard lot of success stories if you use it correctly and target the right people!

 

Ammy

 

I don't meet many girls outside of work, and even there it's not all that often.

 

I haven't been on a date in years, so would be nice to go on one I guess!

[Ammy]

I don't meet many girls outside of work, and even there it's not all that often.

 

I haven't been on a date in years, so would be nice to go on one I guess!

 

Thats cos you're not going out as we have discussed!! Get out there - with friends, eat out, bars, clubs, sports etc.. you'll meet more people. You need to put yourself out there and step outside of your comfort zone.

 

There was an amazing psychologist - Albert Ellis (one of the founders of cognitive behavioural therapy) - anyway he was shy like you and I and so he PUSHED himself outside of his comfort zone and sat on a park bench in Central Park NYC and asked out a zillion girls.. to get over his fear. He got rejected, he took it, he got a few numbers and a few dates too and was never shy with girls again... Extreme story, but worth thinking about.

 

Ammy

[solacean]

There was an amazing psychologist - Albert Ellis (one of the founders of cognitive behavioural therapy) - anyway he was shy like you and I and so he PUSHED himself outside of his comfort zone and sat on a park bench in Central Park NYC and asked out a zillion girls.. to get over his fear. He got rejected, he took it, he got a few numbers and a few dates too and was never shy with girls again... Extreme story, but worth thinking about.

 

That Ellis can't have been shy like I am shy. For someone like myself who is already overly sensitive to even the opinions of people I don't care about at all, that much rejection at one sitting from women I actually wanted to like me would be a lethal dose of poison rather than a cure. I.e., if I was to do anything like that, after getting rejected (and probably laughed at) by the first dozen women or so I might very well go home and hang myself in the garage or something. Perhaps my shyness is a form of self-preservation.

[Ammy]

That Ellis can't have been shy like I am shy. For someone like myself who is already overly sensitive to even the opinions of people I don't care about at all, that much rejection at one sitting from women I actually wanted to like me would be a lethal dose of poison rather than a cure. I.e., if I was to do anything like that, after getting rejected (and probably laughed at) by the first dozen women or so I might very well go home and hang myself in the garage or something. Perhaps my shyness is a form of self-preservation.

 

Solacean, Ellis was a very wise man who identified that it's not events that make us unhappy / anxious, but the way we THINK about them and INTERPRET them that does.

 

So..

 

rejection --> I'm not worthwhile / loveable --> depression

 

rejection --> her loss / I am worthwhile despite others options / there are plenty of other fish in the sea --> healthy frustration but optimism

 

Shyness / social anxiety can come from fear of negative judgements from others and also intolerance of discomfort.. But we have to get out of our comfort zones in order to tackle this anxiety!

 

Ellis states that we have a few fundamental flawed beliefs that lead to distress / depression / anxiety. Just out of interest I've posted them below.. he was a very wise man!!!

 

Irrational beliefs - Ellis believed we must challenge these beliefs - the more we think them, the more distress we will feel!

 

 

1. It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community. **** very relevant here - why must every one else think we're so wonderful to make us feel worthwhile?.. we are worthwhile no matter what others think - if they chose to judge us this is a reflection of them not us.

 

2. One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.

 

3. People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.

 

4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.

 

5. Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.

 

6. If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.

 

7. One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.

 

8. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one's own life.

 

9. One's past history is an all-important determiner of one's present behavior and because something once strongly affected one's life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.

 

10. Other people's disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.

 

11. There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.

[Altruist]

Why? Asking this as another first timer that can't seem to find places to meet people.

I'm saying this because most people there are just there for hook-ups and don't really care about the feelings of the other person. It's like a meat market. It might give you a bad impression of the whole institute of dating and relationships.

Why don't you try art galleries and church where people meet naturally?