two steps forward 1 step back...then one more

[knightNshiningarmor]

lol...so i just wish i could figure out what i want lol...logically im a different person then who i am in reality. Today i texted the ex a simple merry xmas...she instantly replied but didnt further it any...i know if i wanted to, so easily could we be back together but i still think in the long run we would not work out...its just not right...but i would still like to have her as a friend...but then again i dont know if thats possible unless we were both seeing someone. Argh i know her too well and i know she is now sitting their waiting for me to respond and now im thinking i may have just opened a big can of worms...btw last time we talked i asked her not to call me anymore and shes stuck it out and its been about a month of nc...which i broke today...but to which i cant tell if that was a good thing or bad...my minds just a little tumbled atm.

 

 

any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

[waveseer]

You feel that in the long run it wouldn't work out because it's just not right. Why is that?

[knightNshiningarmor]

because we have broken up and gotten back together many times...and each time...its usually because we just feel something is missing in the relationship...and it seems when its at its best thats when one of us ends it.

[waveseer]

Have you ever been apart long enough to identify what was missing?

[knightNshiningarmor]

ive known her for 8+ years altho only romantically involved for 2 but then again it was on and off. But i miss her friendship...moved back to our hometown and most of my old friends have moved on or married/own lives and so i just miss our hanging out time and talks, something i dont have...but then again i dont know if being friends is something we can do either...lol...we are both pretty obsessive in our relationships so i think if either of us found someone new and maybe she has then i feel we would not have that same kind of friendship anyway.

[waveseer]

You are confused about a few things. Maybe if you separate them you will make more progress figuring out how you really feel.

 

1. Do you want to be friends?

2. Do you want to be more than friends?

3. Do you want to be more than friends for a long time?

 

And most importantly, are you willing to do your share to mend the past relationship and start again on a whole new basis of better communication?

 

Think about each question specifically and you may find clarity.

[knightNshiningarmor]

we once split for about 3 months but no...that honeymoon phase of excitement was gone and i think we both saw that as "oh he/she must not be the right one" and myself i have abondment issues so at the slightest hint that a relationship is failing i head for the hills...which doesnt help that she has a mild form of bipolar called schizoeffective which would play with her emotions only furthering my issues lol...so honestly i think there is too much stuff wrong with the two of us to be together...never question either her or my love and never in our breakups was that in question.

[waveseer]

Is there any part of you that still thinks she could be the one?

[knightNshiningarmor]

another wrench in it all is that hopefully baring everything goes well that ill be leaving for the peace corp in 4-6 months.

[knightNshiningarmor]

i dont really believe in "the one" but do i think we could have made each other happy yes...

[waveseer]

You used the past tense, could have made each other happy. Have you lost all hope that you could make each other happy again?

[knightNshiningarmor]

yes i have

[waveseer]

Then you need to let some real time pass before you can expect a friendship to redevelope on an even keel.

[knightNshiningarmor]

so me texting "im just gonna say it, i miss my best friend and i hope things are going good for you BB." was maybe not the best thing i could have done at this point...lol....thinking about it your probably right...well maybe shes got a better head on her should and she just wont respond and ill have dodged a bullet.

[waveseer]

My personal opinion based on what you've said is that you love her and hope she's single and would like her to go into the peace corps with you.

[knightNshiningarmor]

"I miss u too. Things are going great by the way. I hope all is well with you too." Just responded...i think im just going to leave it at that and let it go.

[knightNshiningarmor]

well i can definitely disagree with the second half...i really would never expect that from her...but the first part...i dont know....part of me just wants the fairy tell...each others first date way back in the day even though nothing came of it...best friends...and all that...but i think when ur away from someone u see those fairy tell qualities and u forget about the rest...the reasons why you didnt work out...agh....i seriously would be happier if she had cheated on me or something...or that we had ended it in such a manner there was no coming back....or that we would have just lived happily ever after...i hate limbo so much.

[waveseer]

I was playing devil's advocate to let you give a natural response so you could read it back to yourself. Those are your real feelings.

[knightNshiningarmor]

lol...and the fact that things are going good for her...i think im just going to let them and not continue this any further. I think i just miss having someone esp this time of the year and filling it with some random that completely doesnt get me doesnt worked....ive tried...and tried again lol.

[waveseer]

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. It's sometimes very difficult to know where the person ends and my picture of them starts, particularly when I am feeling lonely.