Single until career (Long post but really need some advice on this subject)

[Jdancer21]

Hello. First of all I want to wish everyone a MERRY XMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR. I've gotten to the point in my life where I tend to shy away from asking people how I should live my life, but I need some advice or just maybe some insight.

 

At some point in my life, I want to be settled with someone, or at least I think I do (Now that I think about this, I kinda wonder if I really want someone or if I just want someone just so I can feel i'm ok.) Either way it's been bothering me that I'm single to the point where i'm always thinking about it

 

*How can I change?

* What did I do wrong?

*Was it something I said.

 

and for the most part everyone that i've talked about this has always said You need to do this, you need to do this you need to do this and basically the vibe that I always got from this is " Just being yourself isn't good enough".

 

This year I've been doing alot of thinking, thinking about how I wasted my time trying to figure out "Why this person dump me?" or planning what I need to wear and getting rehearsing how I would sit in front of the mirror oh maybe 5 days BEFORE the first date. I think about how much of that energy I could've spent on the things I do well such as my singing and dancing. Forgive me If saying this very conceited but I have way too much potential as a singer and dancer to be wasting opportunities b/c i'm too busy trying to figure out yet ANOTHER diet plan to make myself look more presentable. So i've decided to put dating on hold for a good while until i have a good grasp on who I am and until I have some sort of career in what I do.

 

I've told this to people and they thought I was absolutely CRAZY!! Am I?

 

The way I see it is this: The best gift that I can give to the world is a healthy me, Mentally, spiritually, physically, and definitely emotionally and lord knows there have been many a day where my mood shift DRAMATICALLY if date #1 doesn't call and 2 days after he calls back. I'm tired than that. I would like to think i'm more than what 1 guy thinks. I will be auditioning for schools and i'm in the point in my life where i'm building my future, I don't have time to try to mold into somebody else, then again.. I am the only one putting that pressure on me come to think of it. See, this is the type of stuff I need to be figuring out.

 

Yes, I would LOVE a partner I would love to have someone to take to Xmas dinner. It's not like I'm saying I don't want to date and to look for that person but at this stage of my life THAT'S NOT THE MAIN CONCERN OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!. Though I know that, it doesn't change that sometimes I feel lonely.

 

I'm starting to grasp the idea that *GASP* there is the possibility of being happy as single. I'm thinking about doing new hobbies and going back in to dance next year. Going back to ballet and ballroom and then REALLY getting cracking on my singing. Really just diving into things I enjoy and taking care of me. I'm only 23, I've got my whole life ahead of me to find someone and if I'm as attractive as everyone seems to think I am, Then I won't have a hard time finding someone, whether be online or someone in the audience.

 

It works for me...

What do you think?

[COtuner]

A lot of successful people put career before romance - both successful at work and at life. It can be good for stability, maturity and risk management.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is perfectly fine to be single and focus on your career and other pursuits. However, I am gathering from your post that you seem to be going to the opposite extreme of what you were doing before. In other words, before you were so focused on finding someone that you tried to be "perfect" for the dating world and when things didn't work you allowed it to run your life. Now you are fed up and want to bag the dating and just focus on your career and interests...it is almost like you are overcompensating by going to the opposite end of the spectrum. Why not have balance...why not be open to dating and meeting someone, but at the same time focus on your interests and career. You can do it all...it is just a matter of having balance and taking the dating in stride. Dating can be a side interest...still there but just not the main focus.

[Jdancer21]

Why not have balance...why not be open to dating and meeting someone, but at the same time focus on your interests and career. You can do it all...it is just a matter of having balance and taking the dating in stride. Dating can be a side interest...still there but just not the main focus.

 

I've actually discussed this with myself, and this is something that I have been working on. For example, I did the online dating thing and I just remember how much that would CONSUME me. Also, I'm currently living in a temporary situation right now (My parents house) until I get ready to do my grad work. Depending on where I go, I don't want to get caught up with someone well knowing that a year from now I won't even be here. However, I do believe I can stand to lighten up A LITTLE BIT, go out and meet people not expecting them to be my next lover or next one-night stand (a little honesty never hurts) and not be such a stickler. All and all there needs to be a structural balance in my life, which now it's currently going from one end of the spectrum to another as you said. I've really been starting to grasp some things that I haven't before and I'm pretty sure I can discern when I'm out of balance, so if that's the case, it's more a matter of trusting myself to back off if necessary.

 

I've been looking at going back to online. Not to necessarily find someone to put a ring on my finger but to at least be open to the idea that I do want to see someone rather waiting for someone to fall on me...

 

and what's with the "It'll happen when you least expect it" crap? The way everyone sounds it's as if the moment i stop thinking about getting a man *POOF* there is the man of my dreams. just wondering

[Batya33]

I think the "when you least expect it" is better phrased as "if you are desperate you are almost guaranteed not to meet someone or not to meet someone suitable". If you're not desperate, then being proactive is advisable especially if you are no longer in school which requires less proactivity - you're around so many singles in your own age group.

[lady00]

I've been there, definitely, the worrying about being single, overanalyzing dates etc. I never quite stopped dating although I wanted to at times and I thought I would but I kept meeting people so I kept trying. It's just one of those things that I've found that when I decide to stop, someone interesting pops up and then I make an exception LOL. I think that it's good to find a balance but at the same time, it sounds like right now you need to sort of go to the other extreme in order to come back to the center. Good luck to you! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

and what's with the "It'll happen when you least expect it" crap? The way everyone sounds it's as if the moment i stop thinking about getting a man *POOF* there is the man of my dreams. just wondering

 

Yeah, I don't buy into that because usually if you are looking people tell you that you are looking too hard and it will happen when you least expect it...but when you go about your life and are not making finding someone a priority, people then tell you that you are not looking hard enough. It is a way for people to somehow justify why you haven't met someone yet...so whatever you are doing they will tell you to do the opposite because they don't really know what to tell you. It really comes down to luck. I have known plenty of people who made finding a partner like a full time job..yes, they were desperate...and you know what, actually desperate people do indeed find partners. They may not have healthy relationships but they do find someone...in other words, their goal is to have a relationship and anything will do...and they take anything in order to realize their dream.

[Jdancer21]

It is a way for people to somehow justify why you haven't met someone yet...so whatever you are doing they will tell you to do the opposite because they don't really know what to tell you. t.

Y'know I actually had a friend, who told me exactly why I may have been single.. she pretty much told me I could stand to drop another 30lbs. As much as I wanted take a beer bottle and smash it on her head, once can appreciate honesty. I take care of my body and whether what she said is true or not, she was someone who was borderline anorexic and wanted to get a supermodels body. I guess the fact that I realized that I didn't need to look like a supermodel to find someone I guess pissed her off. Needless to say, we're no longer friends.

 

I guess the point i'm making is that is it so much that people don't know what to tell you or is it that people will tell you what you want to hear just so they don't have to put up with you anymore and move on. Though i'd probably would throw a plate or throw a fit if someone gave me the honest truth, I can appreciate it the gumption they had and If I think it's true or not, then that's up to me.

 

Basically, you either you like me or you don't. What one person might think is absolutely wrong someone else might say " YOU ARE JUST THE PERSON I"M LOOKKING FOR" I guess the moral of the story it do what you think is best, but be open to the fact that maybe there are sometimes that need to be changed.

[Batya33]

Where I live/am from (major city, no, not L.A.) if a woman was overweight it was a significant obstacle to her meeting someone for a relationship. There wasn't a need to be bone thin but more than 15 pounds overweight got to be a problem.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have seen lots of very overweight people who met someone. The never seemed to have a problem finding a guy. The 30 pounds overweight is not going to be an obstacle if someone likes you for who you are. That is why it is often better to meet people at an activity-based venue rather than through the fake dating sites and "barn dances". Dating sites, singles parties etc are all based on looks, thiness and how provocative a woman can dress....the men there tend to look for someone who is "between the sheets-worthy" so being 30 pounds overweight will deter the men trolling for a hot booty partner. With activity-based events where people have an interest in hiking or whatever the activity is two people can develop an interest in each other based on a shared interest...it is less about body type and more about the interest and the mind. Just be yourself and don't worry about what your friend said.

[Batya33]

Actually not in my experience. Most of the men I know who want someone who is not overweight want that not just because of looks but because of health (or perception of health), wanting to be physically active (and I agree being overweight need not be an obstacle but often it is perceived that way). I did care about that issue in my early 20s and then less so as I got older - I preferred someone who wasn't overweight but it wasn't a dealbreaker. But, if I sensed or learned about health issues related to the overweight, that was a problem (and potentially a dealbreaker depending on how overweight and what the health issues were).

 

I agree that men who insist on model thin women likely are overly focused on looks but there is a difference between that and wanting a partner who is not overweight.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually not in my experience. Most of the men I know who want someone who is not overweight want that not just because of looks but because of health (or perception of health), wanting to be physically active (and I agree being overweight need not be an obstacle but often it is perceived that way). I did care about that issue in my early 20s and then less so as I got older - I preferred someone who wasn't overweight but it wasn't a dealbreaker. But, if I sensed or learned about health issues related to the overweight, that was a problem (and potentially a dealbreaker depending on how overweight and what the health issues were).

 

I agree that men who insist on model thin women likely are overly focused on looks but there is a difference between that and wanting a partner who is not overweight.

 

I guess it depends on what is considered overweight...there is being overweight and there is being obese. Not being overweight is no guarantee of being mindful of health. In fact, many people who are overly mindful of health and what they eat come with a whole host of emotional problems....so they are not exactly taking care of themselves even though they would argue that they are. Also, plenty of non-overweight people have health issues..heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc...and plenty of overweight people are indeed mindful of their health. I know people who are considered average weight who never see a doctor...never get themselves checked out...that is not exactly being mindful of health regardless how many times they go to the gym and eat carrot sticks. There is so much more to being mindful of health...regular doctor's, regular blood tests to make sure everything else is working fine etc, colonoscopies if there is colon cancer in the family etc.

[definitely_maybe]

THAT'S NOT THE MAIN CONCERN OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!. Though I know that, it doesn't change that sometimes I feel lonely.

 

I can totally relate to the above statement.

[bostonbruins24]

If the OP is looking to date super hot model type guys then yes being 30 pounds overwieght would be a detriment .If she is content to be with someone who is also 30 pounds overwieght then it isn't a problem.

[Batya33]

I agree and as I wrote I was referring to perceptions/impressions that are not always accurate. I would say in my experience that if a woman is more than 15-20 pounds overweight (and not athletic/fit so that it shows) that person living in my city would have a much harder time finding people to date/finding a relationship, fair or otherwise. I am not saying it's fair.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If the OP is looking to date super hot model type guys then yes being 30 pounds overwieght would be a detriment .If she is content to be with someone who is also 30 pounds overwieght then it isn't a problem.

 

Actually, I have indeed seen couples where one person was overweight and the other person not...couples who looked very much in love.

[Batya33]

If the OP is looking to date super hot model type guys then yes being 30 pounds overwieght would be a detriment .If she is content to be with someone who is also 30 pounds overwieght then it isn't a problem.

 

Not where I live - the men often are overweight but want a woman who is not. And I am not referring to model types. I too have seen wonderful relationships between overweight people or where one is overweight but the other is not. Where I live - a major city - it is, as I wrote above, a fairly significant obstacle to meeting people to date if the woman is overweight, fair or not. So, all else being equal, if the woman can work on her weight problem without compromising her physical or emotional health I would suggest she do so. If she is happy being overweight and is cool with the issues that might raise as far as meeting men, then of course she should stay exactly as she is - her happiness is the most important.