I'm destroyed...

[Seymore]

how on earth could someone say that? I gave it every chance I had...i didn't play games and I didn't control her. I gave up big pieces of my life for her and tried my hardest to please her...i never said I was perfect, but I never tried to contol her. I let her do anything she wanted. when she smoked weed (which i'm against) I looked the other way. when shed blow up, I did the same.

 

I sent her a text saying very firmly that it was over and told her when to get her things by. I asked my neighbor to watch for her and if anything went wrong to call me.

she left a hysterical message saying she slammed her nephews hand in a door and it was purple and bleeding and that she really needed a friend. I didn't cave. she has friends. she knows how close me and her nephew were, so i'm wondering if this is a ploy?

[DN]

she left a hysterical message saying she slammed her nephews hand in a door and it was purple and bleeding and that she really needed a friend

I would think it's the nephew who needs a friend - or a doctor.

 

It may be true but she is using it to get to you. She will likely do this with any of the normal life issues that crop up for anyone and that they deal with without getting hysterical.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yep, she is trying to guilt you into responding. Be prepared for the angry messages soon where she will hurl all kinds of abuse saying you don't care about her, you are mean, horrible blah, blah blah. Just stay strong. You are doing well.

[Seymore]

Yep, she is trying to guilt you into responding. Be prepared for the angry messages soon where she will hurl all kinds of abuse saying you don't care about her, you are mean, horrible blah, blah blah. Just stay strong. You are doing well.

 

Thank you. Thank you so very much. You guys are my rock.

 

I always thought my father could be so cold and callous sometimes, like he wouldn't show emotion at particular times. Looking back at times he would be that way, I now understand why he would shut off at times - it was always at times people would attempt to manipulate him out of money or pity. I think now is the time I need to use that which I've inherited from him to help me protect myself, because now I think I will need it. No more giving in - I'm tired from not sleeping, I'm exhausted from not eating and an emotional wreck to boot. I need to wipe this from my conscience the best I can, realize I gave it my best, and continue healing.

[Lauren.xo]

I just finished reading all the posts. I can tell you love her, but honestly I was that girl (in a way lesser manipulative form). Many people aren't born into loving healthy families. It may be tougher for those type of people to build and sustain a relationship, but I think from hearing the things you said she wrote you (was jealous of your time being away from her).. She was truly just scared of you not loving her. That you could possibly love someone else more then her.. Healthy? For sure no.. but in fighting with you, she felt secure that you would always be there for her when she said sorry. I've done this.

 

The only way she will get better is for you to say firmly "No". After you have said good-bye, let her go. Stop answering calls,texts,emails. Any form of communication even if another lengthy goodbye will lead her on. She needs to be strong and stand on her own two feet for once. If you took her back, you would probably get ALOT of love.. for a couple weeks.. BUT things will never change.. My friend told me this quote weeks ago, it upset me huge.. But I believe it has alot of truth to it.. She said .. "A guy/girl will never change until they realize your gone, and once your gone they wont be able to change for you, but for there next relationship because you truly need to be gone".

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and her is NC. Not LC or answering to things such as her nephew is hurt (very sad, but only a ploy for you) .

 

Goodluck,

 

L

[Seymore]

Thank you, Lauren. A glass or two of wine and a good Marx Brothers film go a long way in helping as well. My friend called and didn't get home from work until late, and he listened to me and told me a story about an ex who was even worse (though I never saw the way his ex really was). He couldn't come by tonight, so after we hung up I shut my phone off since I haven't told any other friends and am not expecting any calls aside from the ex again. The less I hear my phone ring, the better. I'm going to soak in the tub for a bit and get some sleep. Thank you so much everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I wish I'd had friends who told me this was all wrong a year ago, though I don't know if I'd have listened then.

 

And to those of you who have been in my ex's shoes, I am sorry you had to go through the torment and struggle to recover. I can tell you from the other end that it really does change life on both ends, and that while you may have been the dumpee, it was not an easy decision to make for your then SO. Not easy in the least, but done out of love, I'm sure.

[naturesown]

how on earth could someone say that? I gave it every chance I had...i didn't play games and I didn't control her. I gave up big pieces of my life for her and tried my hardest to please her...i never said I was perfect, but I never tried to contol her. I let her do anything she wanted. when she smoked weed (which i'm against) I looked the other way. when shed blow up, I did the same.

 

I sent her a text saying very firmly that it was over and told her when to get her things by. I asked my neighbor to watch for her and if anything went wrong to call me.

she left a hysterical message saying she slammed her nephews hand in a door and it was purple and bleeding and that she really needed a friend. I didn't cave. she has friends. she knows how close me and her nephew were, so i'm wondering if this is a ploy?[/quote

 

Well Seymore, you say you gave up big pieces of your life for her''no you gave up for what you wanted......you tried to please her even though you weren't pleasing yourself...........you turned your back when she smoked weed ...because you wanted her anyway you could get her.......when do you get honest with Seymore..........ploy smoy....you are trying to figure out what she is doing rather than what you are doing.........maybe you can't see the control and manipulation you perform to attempt to change someone to be who you expect them to be....it is very evident though in what you are saying.........there are no victims in life just people who create a life they are not happy with and refuse to recreate themselves instead of recreating others.

Joe

[Seymore]

I didn't try to manipulate her. Her own friends and family had made it clear that she had an anger problem. We had broken up several times before in the last year (for a day or two) because of hurtful things she'd said to me. She would call apologizing and pleading to take her back and she would lead me to believe she wanted to be better, but 2 weeks later the same thing.

 

If I blame myself for anything, it's giving in as much as I did and believing it time after time. I thought that I could be the one to make her happy. And you're saying that, for example, whether I let her smoke weed or if I told her not to, I'd be trying to change her either way?

 

And even if you had a point, she would do what you're saying to me - telling me she couldn't be with someone who was in constant communication with his family a few months back. But shame on me for not sticking up for myself and saying goodbye then. I'm not trying to come out of this smelling like roses. I did make mistakes and let myself go in places where I shouldn't have. Shame on me for holding out hope that things could change. I should have known better, and I didn't.

[naturesown]

as far as listening to anyone else who is not involved family and friends they only confuse matters.........I am not saying to go back or to go forward..all I am saying is you need to get intouch with your true feelings and thoughts.

In your head and just talking about them doesn't ever get it right for us........people who share with good intentions, choose sides only knowing one side of the situation...you could tell people how she is and still we would never really know her.

Suggestion I do for myself in situations that baffle me...and i am getting so many suggestions and help I get lost in too many ideas and thoughts.

Sit down and write a letter to her and say honestly how you think and feel, let out all that pent up anger and frustration, cuss her out say all kinds of terrible things about her because underneath everything you honestly must be feeling and thinking these things...once you get them out you will understand more clearly just what is going on.....you lost yourself in her and you can only find yourself again in you..not her.

This letter is not to be sent to her it is totally for you to get right with yourself and own what is yoursd and see more clearly what is her and you can't do anything to fix her you can only fix yourself. After you write this letter you read it one time then throw it away. You should meet your self in this letter and if you don't you still haven't gotten honest with yourself

Joe

[Lauren.xo]

I think another huge thing is, don't start yelling at me right away... But before when you broke up, you felt she wasn't going to come back... but now it is like the boy who cried wolf, and you see how desperate she is for you.. so your comfortable.. Would you feel the same if she was moving on completely? Just a thought!

[Seymore]

Well, to be honest...it might sound sick, but I felt a little bit of "how does it feel?" towards her. All the times she'd torn me apart by the things she would say to me or by holding the fact that she was thinking about breaking up with me over my head so that I would cave, I had felt that she was finally beginning to see what she was putting me through. But it was never felt to the point of "You deserve this", more like "We need this".

 

She sent me a message saying she was getting her stuff this morning and asked if I could keep her cat for another week since her place doesn't allow cats and her grandparents (the only local family members she keeps in touch with) are out of town this weekend. I agreed. 2 hours later she sent a message saying that she had moved her stuff out and left the keys. Very civil, no namecalling or anger. In a way I almost wanted her to call me names and get angry (not sure if it's because it was the reaction I was used to), but she didn't. I feel bad that it had to end like this, and that it seemed she really was starting to move on. I'm still not comfortable, as I know that she will have experiences and meet new people and I won't be there to experience things with her anymore and vice versa, but I know that this is best. My life may go back to being dull as it was before, but only I can change that, plus it will be a lot less stressful. But as it stands, whether or not she went without a fight, the fight is still going on inside me.

 

I understand that the people here only know my side and not hers, and that only I can truly make the final decisions based on my experience. And based on how I have been treated and spoken to, no healthy relationship grows on that. People simply do not act this way to one another, they do not return kindness with attitude and negativity. They don't talk back to their boss at work and then quit over something petty, claiming they were victimized. I am not a saint. I pushed her and that was MY action. It was wrong, provoked or not. I have also been in relationships where these negative aspects were never an issue, so I know that there is something better out there. And provided she gets proper help and recovers, maybe that something better is in her, but I can't stand there and wait to find out. There was so much good in her and in our relationship - she is a hard worker and very, very smart. Beautiful, thoughtful and genuinely loving, didn't believe in cheating, etc...all things I dream of in a woman. But there were some serious underlying issues there. As it stands, we can't grow together, only apart.

[Lauren.xo]

You are a lot like my ex right now. We are in the same situation. He doesn't believe I will change with him, he thinks that I just want him back to have him back.

 

I think its easier to be comfortable and let go when you feel the person will always be there, but once you feel like there moving on and there accepting everything.. real pain comes...

 

L

[Seymore]

Sit down and write a letter to her and say honestly how you think and feel, let out all that pent up anger and frustration, cuss her out say all kinds of terrible things about her because underneath everything you honestly must be feeling and thinking these things...

 

I just took your advice a couple of hours ago. Sat down and wrote for a half hour. I didn't say terrible things about her or cuss her out because it's not how I handle things. I did express my anger though and I realized where the blame lies on my shoulders. Not for ending the relationship, but because I think that somehow I'm special and I have this "gift" to make people better. The more people seem to dislike me, the more I give them in a futile effort to appease them. I begin to resent the constant giving of my time and effort and feel it is wasted and then I blame them for not appreciating it. What I don't realize is that I am the one doing these things and for the wrong reasons. Nobody can make me give them anything, I choose to do it, and I can't blame them because of that. I let myself down in this way.

 

I don't know if it's inherited, but my mother has always been this way. She'll do things for people that nobody asked her to, feel she's being taken advantage of and feel miserable after.

[keith515]

Not for ending the relationship, but because I think that somehow I'm special and I have this "gift" to make people better. The more people seem to dislike me, the more I give them in a futile effort to appease them. I begin to resent the constant giving of my time and effort and feel it is wasted and then I blame them for not appreciating it. What I don't realize is that I am the one doing these things and for the wrong reasons. Nobody can make me give them anything, I choose to do it, and I can't blame them because of that. I let myself down in this way.

I don't know if I'm on the same way of thinking as you but I might know what you are thinking. When I am with someone, friend or GF, I notice I try to show them by acting a certain way. What I mean by that is it inspires MEto be more disciplined and act a better person because I will show them it is possible.

 

A lot of has to do with being a leader. When I was a manager, I would lead by example. I believe a leader is more effective to act a certain way as opposed to always telling my staff how they should act. That's the way I learned how to live my life: watching other people.

 

It can be harmful because then when I am in a relationship, I can't really be myself nor can I allow my GF to be herself. But I have a best friend and it works out great to where I can be myself and yet still try to be the best person I can be so I can inspire him.

[naturesown]

Cool Seymore,

I still say it feels so good to dig down past all my facades of always being the nice guy and yank that nasty out of me........when can we ever just let it all go.........we do it to real people infront of us they just think we are crazy and call the cops.........if we have been raised a certain way if we respond like that the boogie man is going to get us. But just nto feel that freedom just get intouch with that deep down dirty yellow crude we don't ever want anybody to see about us..............now that feels good letting that stuff out.

Joe

[Seymore]

I went to my place for the first time since she got her stuff. She left a letter for me saying that she respected my wishes and got her stuff. She said she will contact me only if necessary (regarding her cat and TV - she needs help moving it because it's too heavy and is waiting for a friend to help her get it). It says she sincerely hopes we can remain friends if nothing else, and tells how I'd become her best friend. She understands I need space and time, but she'll never stop waiting for me, it says. It ends with "I love you. I hope you can forgive me". It's held down by a paperweight she got me on sweetest day saying:

 

"We shared many smiles and many tears,

We shared our hopes and our fears

But if there was one that beat all the rest,

The times we shared laughter were always the best."

 

It was really hard for me. Now I also have to figure out a way to let her get her cat and TV while I'm not home. I don't want any contact.

 

In cleaning out her stuff she found a sign I drew up while we were chatting over webcam a couple weeks ago - her sound wasn't working at the time, so I made a sign that said "I love you" to hold up to the webcam. She taped it up on my computer monitor.

 

Today after mass, I went with my family to the restaurant I met her at (It's been their favorite restaurant since I was little). One of the older waitresses who worked with my ex while she was there asked where my "wife" was. She was shocked when I told her that we broke up. She said "What happened? Did she drive you crazy?". Even SHE told me that my ex was hard to work with, and how after she met me, she just kind of ignored the other waitresses she was friends with when we'd go eat there. But she said I can't blame myself because she saw I was so good to her, and sometimes this is what people need. It was amazing - my ex's best work friend on MY side.