Struggling with Sexaulity

[J631]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a girl for 3 months now. We've become very close and intimate with each other and I really feel like we have something great.

 

However, we have one big problem. I love feeling sexy with my girlfriend (what guy doesn't?) and I rarely feel like this with her. In other words I feel very oppressed with my sexuality with her. And this is where the problem is. We're constantly cuddling and feeling intimate and great, but many times I want to just have a little fun and tone down the seriousness. I feel that when I do, she'll do the equvilent of patting me on the head and telling me I'm cute. She'll tell me she isn't in the mood and I'll get this vibe like I'm doing something wrong.

 

Every once in a while I'll be able to get her turned on and we'll make out and go somewhat far. I can tell she likes this and she really wants to when she's in the moment, but it's so rare and I feel like it's such a struggle to get her turned on. It's just been frustrating me since the beginning of our relationship.

 

I've tried talking to her about this many times and I've gotten a number of different answers. She's scared. OK, I can understand that. I've tried slowing down and I'm always reassuring her that I'm there and we're going to find what's comfortable, but she just gets even more cuddly. The time really isn't appropriate. This I can understand too, I've tried to do things a few times when I shouldn't have and I always respectfully stop and tell her "I understand". The last one I got really upset me though; she isn't sure why she doesn't feel sexual with me. It's like I'm her cuddle buddy, not her boyfriend. It makes me feel sick.

 

It's like she isn't putting her fair share of the sexual investment into the relationship. Sometimes I feel like a dog. She's always telling me how to behave, telling me to feel this way, to hide my sexuality, correcting my posture, the way I say things... But we've invested so much into each other and our families that I don't feel like I can just say "well this isn't working, we aren't meant for each other, bye!". Because I feel like aside from this problem, we're perfect.

 

Any advice? Can anyone relate to this? I feel so horrible and clueless about what to do and I don't want to lose this girl.

[ad-mortem]

Is your girlfriend from a religious or traditional background? If that's the case, it could just be that she doesn't feel comfortable expressing or acting on sexual desire because it makes her feel guilty.

If you're her first (or first serious) boyfriend it could simply be nerves. Either way you will simply have to wait until she's ready.

The way she's speaks to you sounds like a problem though, tell her the way she tells you to stop makes you feel bad and maybe she'll at least try to be more considerate of how you feel.

[waveseer]

I suggest you talk to her about how her actions (and inactions) are making you feel. Be prepared to listen to how she feels. Then both of you can try to find some common ground.