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Approaching acceptance.


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Acceptance...it's starting to feel good.

 

Here I am on Christmas morning. I've had little desire to contact my ex, because I have realized a few things. I realize that she has issues, and while it's easy to label her as this or that, the point is that we did not work out. She was not a good partner for me for many reasons.

 

We both made many mistakes, and I am slowly realizing the ones which I made. At this point, my focus is not on her, but on myself, and how I can best learn from these mistakes, reflect, and not repeat them the next time I am in a relationship.

 

Although I still do it sometimes, I am starting to see the futility of going into my "cave" and thinking about how I should have or she should have done this or that. We tried our best at the time, and for several reasons, it just did not work. I think I should certainly learn from the mistakes, and think about these things when I am dating someone new, but there's no point in this thinking about salvaging a relationship that just cannot be salvaged. It may have been possible if she was more self-aware, but it just didn't happen for her at that time. On the other hand, if I was less sensitive and impulsive, I would have been able to approach her in a different way, and perhaps we could have worked out our differences in opinion.

 

But, it is what it is. I am the way I am, and she is the way she is. I think she's wrong, and she thinks I'm wrong. That's simply the way it will be, and we will both move on. I've been talking to a few girls, and I hope to find a better match for me. If I do, I hope that I won't repeat the same mistakes, and I'm working really hard on that. I'm definitely not throwing away the journal I have been keeping, because it will be a reminder to me of the mistakes I made. I will read it and catch myself to prevent repeating past behavior. One thing this breakup has taught me is the absolute importance of communication. I really think I am a great communicator, but there's still room for improvement. My ex could not communicate well at all, and that helped me to realize how important it really is.

 

For her, I do hope that she will change, soften up a bit, and meet a nice guy. In talking to her during the relationship, it sounds like she's been with some horrible people who treated her really badly. Deep down, although she showed me the exact opposite many times, I do think there's a sweet, compassionate person within her. Unfortunately, the person I saw was quite rash and at times, frightening, to be honest. Although a part of me still hurts when I think about her, I do hope she will resolve whatever issues she has, find inner peace, and find a guy who will treat her well, as every person deserves to be treated.

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All That Remains rocks...keep the sig man, even if you're ready to heal!

 

Hell yeah! I got them blasting right now. No silent night for me.

 

The other thing that I want to add to my post above: From the very beginning, I realize that I had solid reasons to leave her, and I didn't do it. That was MY fault. I did not listen to my gut, but I listened to others, which is wrong, because I have to do what's right for ME. It's tough to leave someone when you don't want to be alone and you are having some good times with them. This is the 3rd time in my life I have made a bad choice in dating, and I hope I will finally learn this time.

 

ready2heal - Not quite ready to change the sig. I still think I need it as a reminder, because it stirs up in me the memories and reasons why I need to stay away from her. After all, it's possible that she could try to come back. She's done it once already after a few weeks of NC. I think there's little chance of her trying again, because we both really exhausted each other emotionally last time, but still there's a chance. I need to walk if this happens again. Interestingly enough, she was the one who pointed out that it was an unhealthy relationship last time, and I was the one who was more desperate to work things out. I find that interesting, because she was clearly not over he ex and had some other emotional problems, so she made a major contribution to the problems we had. She was right to identify it as an emotionally unhealthy relationship, and we both had a role in that. Her problem, as I saw it, was that she could not come to terms with her own role in the toxic relationship. She thought there was little wrong with her behavior, and that most of it was me. I was really just reacting to the things I saw in her that bothered me, BUT I could have done that in a much more sensible and adult manner. I could have just walked and stayed away in the first place.

 

Hmm...and there I go again analyzing....need to STOP!

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I agree that communication is most important. This was the main problem me and my ex had and I constantly told her she needed to improve on this. She refused. It was our downfall, she ended up breaking up with me over text, one thing I told her not to do, one thing I knew would fail our relationship.

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I also consider myself a great communicator. My ex, like yours, was not. It was a guessing game many times on how she felt, or if I knew how she felt, it was never expressed in person. It was always done via text message. Whether they were negative feelings or positive, she rarely...if ever told me face to face. This put a lot of pressure and anxiety on me...wondering what was on her mind...if her silence was bad, or if it was just her being her.

 

I know now for a fact that it wouldn't be different the second time around, which is what has allowed me to heal. Sometimes two people just aren't right together no matter how badly you may want it to be. When it all is said and done, it is what it is my friend.

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