How can I talk to my boyfriend about his laziness without offending him?

[l1th1um67]

Hi and thank you for reading this post. I need some advice, and I'm sure other girls have this problem with their boyfriend.

 

First off, I'll explain, as unbiased as I can, what's going on in our situation.

 

My boyfriend and I met over two years ago, and we ended up making a child together. He was "too immature back then" (his words, but I agree), so when he found out I was pregnant, he flipped out, claimed he wasn't the dad...bla bla bla... that's really all old news. I had his child, and for 8 months it was her and I. I took him to court for support, and we ended up reconciling. This was in April of this year. We ended up moving in together. We now have an apartment together, and also I ended up getting pregnant again.

 

At this point, I've been working full time for about the last 7 months, which is also about how far along I am. He hasn't had a job, but was collecting unemployment until about 3-4 months ago. Mind you, the unemployment lasted for 6 months, so he had ample time to find a job before it ran out.... but he didn't. At the time, he had a vehicle and money to fill its' tank up... no excuses, as our daughter can, at any time, be put into a daycare while we work. But instead he chose to let the UE run out, and I am now responsible for the rent and all the bills, along with food, clothes and diapers for our child, and ALSO not to mention that I pretty much do everything around here (i.e. laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc etc).

He's not paid for a single thing since we put our deposit down on this apartment, which he suckered his father into paying. I paid first months rent, october,nov,dec... you get the picture.

 

I'm pretty tired at this point. I feel as if he is just another child for me to take care of. I've tried so many times to talk to him, and in return I get attacked- he calls me names, puts me down...etc. I know it's just because he has absolutely no self-esteem. But I have suggested that maybe pulling his weight would make him feel better about himself...and he agrees. He did end up getting a job a few weeks ago, but only works like ten hours a week and wasted the first paycheck he received on crap instead of sending a little of it at least to the landlord or towards a bill. I feel he should be trying, at least, to find a full time job, considering I'm not going to be able to work in a month or so and he SHOULD be paying his share. But he spends about 12-14 hours a day playing an online game, most days... I honestly can't wait for our internet service to get shut off!

 

I know, this guy has it made. I pay for everything. I clean everything. I cook everything. But in two months, when I pop another kid out and I can't work for a while, what the heck am I going to do then? I know it's my own fault... but please give me some feedback on what I can do. I've tried to kick him out, and it's not that I don't care for him (if I didn't I would have had him physically removed from here somehow, I do know some big guys) but his name is on my lease regardless of whether or not he pay rent or anything! So I'm stuck.... I can't afford to leave, and I don't think it's fair to my child to stay in a shelter or something. Going to live with my family is out of the question because they live 2-3 hours away and I need my job to survive, and my medical benefits at least for my kids....

 

Is there someway I can talk to him? He seems to want to do the right thing. He really isn't a bad person at heart... he's just so... LAZY! How can I convince him to grow up?

 

He gets mad at me and says we're roommates sometimes, because I don't even want to sleep with him...I'm so frustrated with him, but...heck even a roommate pays half the bills...

A guys perspective would be great... hopefully I don't offend the males... but what is it with this guy? Is there some special way to talk to him?

[Batya33]

Why did you choose to have another child with him? I ask because it sounds like you're allowing him to be lazy in general and you are being passive about your choices to have two kids with him. I feel for you as far as your financial situation. What I would do is ask him to move out and pay child support (or take him to court if needed) because it sounds like he is not going to contribute anything - financially or emotionally- to your children. You haven't said why you're still with him either. I also wonder why you are concerned about "offending" him when he's shown no concern for your or his childrens' financial stability. Seems to me there"s more to this story.....

[Pressfit]

Say "HEY get your lazy butt up and go get a job, now."

 

Hope that wasnt too harsh

[waveseer]

If his name is on the lease doesn't that make him responsible for half of the rent? Allow him to be evicted.

[l1th1um67]

Why did you choose to have another child with him? I ask because it sounds like you're allowing him to be lazy in general and you are being passive about your choices to have two kids with him. I feel for you as far as your financial situation. What I would do is ask him to move out and pay child support (or take him to court if needed) because it sounds like he is not going to contribute anything - financially or emotionally- to your children. You haven't said why you're still with him either. I also wonder why you are concerned about "offending" him when he's shown no concern for your or his childrens' financial stability. Seems to me there"s more to this story.....

 

I tried to include as much detail as possible... but stuff can escape the mind when you have so much going on in there.

When I got pregnant, it wasn't really much of an issue, because he was still bringing in some money, at least enough to pay our share in the place we were staying (with other friends, so it was much cheaper), and I believed he was going to get a job. He acted a lot more responsible, but when we got into this apartment, he just stopped doing anything... it's just progressively gotten worse. I guess my concern with offending him is because that's when he stops listening. I wish I could talk in a way he'd actually hear me and not get pissed off. I don't want to scrap the relationship if I don't have to, and I don't fear being alone (I actually kinda enjoy it). That's why I'm posting...

If I can't find some sorta answer, I guess I'll have to do what I must.

[l1th1um67]

Say "HEY get your lazy butt up and go get a job, now."

 

Hope that wasnt too harsh

 

I have lol, it doesn't work!

[l1th1um67]

If his name is on the lease doesn't that make him responsible for half of the rent? Allow him to be evicted.

 

Being that both our names are on the lease, we both get kicked out if it isn't payed for... so it's like, I pay it or me and my kid have no place to go. That's the only reason I keep paying it. I guess later on I could go on judge judy or something, but it's here and now..

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I know someone exactly like that, and I feel so sad for you. I don't think lazy people ever change if you beg them. Alot of times they realize what they're doing, but they wont change, especially if they have some sort of addictive time wasting behavior (online games all day).

 

It's bad to have your kid witness their mom being put down, called names, etc.

 

I see how you can't afford to move out, I would just save up until you can and then move out. Let the landlord deal with him.

 

IMO - Lazy people will never be "convinced" to grow up. Their life is too easy. Like you said, HE HAS IT MADE! The only thing that will convince him to change is a crisis, like him getting kicked out, having no money, no job. Then, he'll have to grow up.

[waveseer]

Being that both our names are on the lease, we both get kicked out if it isn't payed for... so it's like, I pay it or me and my kid have no place to go. That's the only reason I keep paying it. I guess later on I could go on judge judy or something, but it's here and now..

 

Save up his halves of he rent to pay the landlord after he's gone and before you get kicked out. Worst comes to worst you will have your money to move with.

[Sn0man]

This guy is a deadbeat. I know the type - and unless you give him a serious ultimatum and make him understand on no uncertain terms that you intend to make good on that ultimatum, he'll just keep on being a deadbeat.

 

You mentioned he's hooked on this online gaming thing. Why not get your internet shut off. Just call your ISP and tell them to shut it down. If you have a laptop of your own you could use that for internet, just don't let him touch it. That way he'll be bored enough to get his lazy butt off the couch and do something.

 

Or you could tell him that he has to leave the house at 8 AM and not come back till 5 - If he wants to spend that time outside freezing his ass off then so be it, but he'd be better off going to a job during that time.

 

Just some ideas...

[Boughs]

If he is playing online games all day and not pulling his own weight, he won't unless he gets evicted/internet shut off. What you should do is bring the modem with you to work and leave it there. He'll end up doing something...

 

If he ends up getting another modem that day to play the game, he's an addict and is not getting up until bills don't get paid.

 

I was once a video game addict (well I suppose still am but in a LOT more mild of a case) and the only thing that got me off my butt was losing my gf then realizing I was lonely.

[l1th1um67]

that's a good idea

[l1th1um67]

If he is playing online games all day and not pulling his own weight, he won't unless he gets evicted/internet shut off. What you should do is bring the modem with you to work and leave it there. He'll end up doing something...

 

If he ends up getting another modem that day to play the game, he's an addict and is not getting up until bills don't get paid.

 

I was once a video game addict (well I suppose still am but in a LOT more mild of a case) and the only thing that got me off my butt was losing my gf then realizing I was lonely.

 

I used to game alot myself, mmorpgs are so addictive... the internet should be getting shut off soon, I won't pay that bill Hoping that'll help !

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, it sounds like he got back with you to avoid the child support.

 

I'd contact legal aid to determine best way to either get him out or get out and get the child support reinstated and reevaluated for 2 kids. You were better off with that deal. Even if he doesn't pay it for a while, he'll still owe it to you. Meanwhile, live with family or friends or welfare or whatever it takes to be separated from this guy. He's not going to lift a finger as long as you're doing it all for him--so staaaap.

 

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