Conceptions about love and relationships

[Tarkan]

Hello Ena,

 

First let me describe what for me a serious relationship is.

 

I think it is some kind of friendship with intimate involvement. The only difference between a relationship and friendship is in fact sex. To me, both are tied. I cannot be in a relationship without have this friendship. If only sex is involved, and not the friendship, I cannot speak of love !

 

Now here is the paradox

 

To be a friend with someone, you need some time. Or I do at least. I need time to get along with the person and learn about her. This seems to be the never ending issue !

 

People claim that this puts you in the friendzone ! Why ? Because over time this friendship will be so serious or even so precious that it might be very riscfull to try out a relationship with that person. I find this verry frustrating !

You see, to know someone might take so much time for me that I usually inevitabely end up in this friendzone.

 

Even tough I got my own little problems, I still get along well with people. Especially with girls ( Alot of guys call me gay because I tag along with girls most of time ). I even recall some of them saying that they can tell me everything, even better then their best female friend. It seems I can listen very well. But enough of that ...

 

You see, every time I end up like this. The best friend which is the one the girm is talking with when she has problems or trouble of some kind. Even tough i really like being along with those girls and talk with them I can't take this situation any longer ... Why ? Because your feelings will never be shared by that other person.

 

In order to avoid this people told me to not get too much involvement at that start. Even to go straight to the point and only get feelinsg AFTER your together. Am afraid that this isn't the way it's working for me, or other people. I need time and I don't want to be with someone that I barely know !

 

 

Do you guys have any toughts or ideas on this ? I guess it has been discussed alot of times but I just want to know if my way is the wrong way. Does every girl in the world get's turned off by a guy that want's to be friend first ?

 

And thanks for reading

 

Tarkan

[waveseer]

If a man wanted to be my friend and do things together just the two of us, I would have to question his motives. That may not be completely fair, but it is based on experience.

[Tarkan]

That's if you look at it in a rational way. However, I think humans are superior to their cousins in the wild ! You might say it's all primal instincts, which is partially true I think, but the human being has something more.

 

If your right about what you say, then nothing in a relationship makes sense since it's all fake or made up. The term love is just a term to describe all the things you like to do with your special someone, well the things you wouldn't do with someone else. Well that's what it is to me.

 

@Ready2heal: So you think a friend couldn't try his chance ? Friends are doomed in the position of friends ?

[DrkEyes]

I believe that true love is the ability to put someone else's needs, wants, desires and motivations before you own. True love involves sacrifice for the mutual benefit of the people involved in the relationship.

[Tarkan]

I believe that true love is the ability to put someone else's needs, wants, desires and motivations before you own.

 

True !

 

But I noticed that 90% of the time people will abuse this !

[laisla]

friendship + sex = friends with benefits

friendship + loving emotions + sex = relationship (although the sex can come at any time)

[Batya33]

I think you are assuming that building a romantic relationship requires sex early on. I agree that a friendship needs to be developed but if there is romantic potential, that can be done by going on dates, and making it clear that there are romantic intentions. That can be done through words or actions like eye contact, holding hands, maybe kissing or hugging and going on one on one dates rather than hanging out as buddies. My parents had a serious romantic relationship for 5 years before marrying and they waited until marriage - they most certainly were not just friends.

[catfeeder]

You're missing something that's been around for ages--dating.

 

If you date a woman, the idea is to get to know her with the goal of moving things to a more intimate level if you both want to. People can date with or without sex, it's a matter of determining within the first few dates whether she feels the same way about relationships and sex as you do. That's the whole point.

 

This hanging around with girlfriend thing is great if you enjoy them only as friends without expectation of turning the tables into romance. But if you're following them around while they discuss their boyfriends in hopes of someday becoming their boyfriend, that's hell on earth.

 

Keep only the girlfriends that don't cause you to suffer, and consider them friendzoned. Then pursue other women to 'date' and consider them potential love interests. That's the pool of women to consider seriously.

 

BTW--I admire your values and don't think you should ditch them for anyone.

 

In your corner.

[Tarkan]

I think you are assuming that building a romantic relationship requires sex early on. I agree that a friendship needs to be developed but if there is romantic potential, that can be done by going on dates, and making it clear that there are romantic intentions. That can be done through words or actions like eye contact, holding hands, maybe kissing or hugging and going on one on one dates rather than hanging out as buddies. My parents had a serious romantic relationship for 5 years before marrying and they waited until marriage - they most certainly were not just friends.

 

That's a bit what I ment but I think I explained it wrong. I certainly did not want to mention sex only as the only emotion !

 

I think I understand what you mean ! Probably that my problem is that I hang out just as buddy and show the romance AFTER while I should show it meanwhile !

[laisla]

catfeeder - dating hasn't really been in existence that long. less than 100 years.

[Tarkan]

First of all, thanks for understanding

 

I have one more question. When you say I don't have to keep the girls who make me suffer, do you mean like litterlay break all contact. Because I know a few that make me suffer. The irony is that they're also the reason why I progress in my studies, why I'm usually happy and they're great friends which I can trust ! The downside is that I have feelings but she doesn't.

 

So in fact, the friendship is too great to give up but it also makes me suffer. Well, it makes me suffer with every day that passes but eventually it still hurts

[catfeeder]

catfeeder - dating hasn't really been in existence that long. less than 100 years.

 

Hah! Yeah, before then they called it 'courting'.

[catfeeder]

First of all, thanks for understanding

 

I have one more question. When you say I don't have to keep the girls who make me suffer, do you mean like litterlay break all contact. Because I know a few that make me suffer. The irony is that they're also the reason why I progress in my studies, why I'm usually happy and they're great friends which I can trust ! The downside is that I have feelings but she doesn't.

 

So in fact, the friendship is too great to give up but it also makes me suffer. Well, it makes me suffer with every day that passes but eventually it still hurts

 

You get to decide which friends are good for you and which torture you too much. Sometimes just moving your focus away, including more people in your life and making 'the crush' less important can help to make an imbalance less painful--but you can test that and decide where you stand.

 

In your corner.

Cat

[stingray]

I read somewhere that most girls end up marrying people they have known for a while. AKA their friends...

[waveseer]

 

@Ready2heal: So you think a friend couldn't try his chance ? Friends are doomed in the position of friends ?

 

Not at all, I would assume that he would try to become more than friends and I wouldn't even be alone with him unless I was at least a little bit curious what that might be like. If we are alone a few times and he never makes a move then I would probably be turned off due to lack of romantic attention.

[Tarkan]

Not at all, I would assume that he would try to become more than friends and I wouldn't even be alone with him unless I was at least a little bit curious what that might be like. If we are alone a few times and he never makes a move then I would probably be turned off due to lack of romantic attention.

 

I completely understand your point. But what if for example you know eachother for years and in those years you have never showed any romantic attention ! But imagine that the feelings came afterwards. Would it still turn you off or would it only count from the moment the guy is acting different ( making you curious etc ... )

[waveseer]

I completely understand your point. But what if for example you know eachother for years and in those years you have never showed any romantic attention ! But imagine that the feelings came afterwards. Would it still turn you off or would it only count from the moment the guy is acting different ( making you curious etc ... )

 

If a guy friend suddenly started getting "friendlier" it would probably confuse me, especially if I had known him a long time. I would prefer being asked out for a real date so I could have a little bit of time to consider him in a new light before I made a decision whether I liked him that way or not. Sometimes I would know instantly, sometimes not. I might even have to go on a date or two with him to see how we interact and if it "works".