Is this my paranoia... or should I be worried?

[SparkleDust]

Hey Everyone

I am a newbie here...

My co worker suggested this forum after she heard my concerns the other day.

 

Ok well my boyfriend and I have been going out 8 months... things have been ok a few ups and downs here and there but as of recent due to the Christmas vacation things have been a bit tense.

 

He has had family from Italy come over for 3 weeks...One of them is his cousin who is 32... he has NO respect for women and treats them like objects.

 

My boyfriend thinks his cousin is WONDERFUL he looks up to him and thinks his jokes are hilarious and I just sit there finding mostly everything he says demeaning. I havent let on my distaste for him...

 

Anyway what has been driving me mad is that my boyfriend NEVER goes out, he doesnt really feel the need but all of a suddern he is going out every night with him. I spent xmas eve with him last night and his family it was nice but my boyfriend wasnt acting the same with his cousin around. He hasnt seen him in 3 years and most of the attention is focused on him.

 

The other night they were out and my bf told me that he was getting teased about him texting me saying to leave his girlfriend alone for 5 minutes. I even think this guy has the power to talk my boyfriend into cheating on me. Thats one of my greatest concerns.

 

We havent had sex for 2 weeks because there has been no where to have it. My boyfriend still lives with his family as do I and his time this past week has been spent with his family and the next two weeks are also. I dont know if I am being selfish or not, but I mentioned the fact we hadn't done anything and my boyfriend freaked out at me and I calmed him down and said dont worry about it I was just being silly.

 

I just dont know how I am going to handle them going out all the time. I have severe trust issues as I was cheated on and abused in my prior relationship and my boyfriend knows this. I know this is stupid but its christmas day here and I am in bed worried about what my boyfriend is feeling.

 

My boyfriend said he would never cheat on me because he has been cheated on himself. But now I have to deal with my boyfriend going out all the time and even going to strip clubs to which he used to frequent when he was single about once a month. Now because of his cousin I can feel our relationship slipping. Everything he does for the next two weeks his cousin will come first and everything I want will be put on the back burner.

 

Am I being selfish ?

 

Sorry if this is confusing but I am feeling really down and I shouldnt be feeling like this on Christmas Day.

[dreamwarrior]

You had better hope his cousin departs real soon..if he has that type of attitude towards women and completely is disrespecting your relationship by his comments, now he is monopolizing your bf's time with you and taking him back to strip clubs...errr I would watch this vampire closely....nothing good can come of this if he already has your bf under his spell.

 

I would insist my bf had better sit down with me and have a talk...don't bad mouth the cousin, but try gently to explain your feelings in a calm, quiet place perhaps a nice inexpensive restaurant....but try and get him away from the cousin for two seconds before he goads him into some other girls pants....he is a manipulative guy and you had better watch out.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SparkleDust]

The vampire is departing on the 8th of January which is alot of time to coax my boyfriend into alot. He keeps giving him slack about the fact that he might be the next to get married and said at least I dont have to deal with it I am going back to Italy.

 

I seriously wish I could put myself into a coma for the time he is here.

 

I know its normal for a guy to cheat on his gf in Italy even the married folks have mistresses which is alarming. Not to bad mouth the italian culture but its common through many countries in Europe.

 

I dont understand everyone LOVES him and for some reason I can see straight through to his slimey side. The thing is my boyfriend is sweeter then pie when his cousin isnt here. Holding my hand while he drives and tell's me I am pretty and all of a suddern the cousin has become no. 1 priority. I knew this was going to happen because he kept talking about it for 2 months before he was here and all the mushiness has stopped.

 

It seems that I am on edge now and when my bf rings he knows I am on edge and then I pick on him and he becomes edgy too. Its this one vicious circle. Even for new years... our FIRST new years together he has to plan what HIS cousins want to do. I suppose we have only been together 8 months but maybe he should ask what I want to do. The only time I am going to get to explain all of this is when his cousin leaves... because if I upset him it may just fuel him to go to his cousin and tell him everything and his cousin will say dont worry about her she is a stupid woman.... demeaning woman as he always does.

[csrc85]

you know, if your boyfriend is so easily influenced by someone like this then perhaps he isn't the guy for you anyway. i understand you have trust issues, and this cousin is his family member, but do you really want to be with someone who would so easily be manipulated into this way of thinking? my boyfriend's brother and all of his friends are very single and frequent the bars often. he has a very close relationship with all of them. however, i never worry when he goes out to the bars with them. they have gone to strip clubs together a couple times but it doesn't bother me because my boyfriend is his own person, with his own values and is loyal to me. not that he would necessarily cheat on you, but if this cousin has such a strong influence on your boyfriend that you actually believe he WOULD cheat or do something to that extent, then maybe your relationship isn't very strong to begin with?

 

it's definitely not cool though that he's blatantly putting his cousin before you. i agree with the above poster that you should sit him down and talk. communicate your feelings to your boyfriend in a non-accusatory way and without bashing his cousin. maybe just keep what i said above in mind.

[agatha]

I am rather against the talk thing. I've never been into a relationship discussion that did not have unexpected side effects. my counterstrike strategy in this case would be socializing a little bit more with the stupid cousin, trying to get as close as possible of being one of the guys. even going out with them to one of the clubs, maybe. it's a way to be close to your bf (he will be forced to give you more attention, as you get his cousin's attention), and sure he won't be cheating on you.

 

now that I've given my opinion, let me add: I understand what you are feeling, but what you need now is not a needy scene, but the cousin's glamour aura to wear off. he's older, lives in Italy, can take whoever he wants to bed with him, and all. It's an exciting image, but what you should try to extract from him is the other side of the coin. and proving, in a very subtle manner, that your bf is lucky to actually have someone by his side to share the good and the bad moments with.

[laisla]

it's his cousin who he hasn't seen for 3 years. maybe it isn't fair that you two haven't been intimate for a couple weeks, but it's only going to be a little longer then he'll be gone. do your own thing in the mean time. don't take it personally. he won't choose a new gf over his blood relatives.

[dreamwarrior]

That could be another good approach just to hang out with them whenever they go out...Good idea! Your right agatha, she must not seem needy, because that will backfire on her...this is a very touchy situation when it comes to families of certain cultures...so just tread lightly and wait it out...because for sure if you start haggling and nagging your bf about his cousin that will surely go sour for you.

 

Good luck to you

[SparkleDust]

Thing is he doesnt really ask me out much with him and just the boys. I feel like I am tagging along really. Because its usually just me and the boys everyone else is single. I mean he hasnt seen him in 3 years I dont really want to crowd him. I can see him all the time when his cousin leaves.

 

As for being intimate its hard enough as it is with us living where we live.

 

I just feel a huge disconnection with him and I lately....well since the cousin has been here.