How weird/unusual am I?

[luxy]

First of all, happy holidays to everyone

 

And on to the issue, I guess. No matter how many times I apply logic to my situation, I always end up with negative thoughts about this.

 

I'm a female, 25 years old and have never dated. Never kissed, and obviously, still a virgin. Men virtually ignore me, or can't look me in the eye. Which I find baffling, as most men admit that they find it easier to talk to unattractive women. Am I /so/ dreadfully ugly and worthless that men around my age simply cannot acknowledge me?

 

I do, however, find that older men are constantly looking at me funny. Someone on my daily train commute to work tries to give me magazines that he thinks I like. ( IE; he saw me wearing a Nylon bag once, so a week later he gives me a Nylon fashion magazine ) I found it a nice gesture and I know he means well but it makes me sad at the same time, because nobody my age would ever bother to do anything like that.

 

I just feel bad, I guess. But I have my logical side, too. I know why I'm 25 and still completely void of experience. I don't go out to meet people--I just head straight to work ( NYC! 7th avenue ) and then back home again. I don't like parties, clubs, bars, whatever. In college there were guys that thought I'd just casually sleep with them ( they must have thought that I was easy ), but I refused. Guess I should have taken the chance while I had it, right?

 

I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of being single, I suppose. But at the same time, I don't want to change. I like being introverted and sticking to my hobbies and art-related work. It must mean that I'm not ready for a relationship. Relationships to me are all about making sacrifices and compromises and having obligations.

 

What do you guys think? How much of a turn-off is somebody like me?

[wagner]

Do you have a picture posted?

 

If so, do you REALLY want honest and potentially harsh responses?

 

Because to be quite frank with you, from your post it sounds like you might really be very physically unattractive, and yeah, people can be quite turned off by extreme ugliness.

[luxy]

Do you have a picture posted?

 

If so, do you REALLY want honest and potentially harsh responses?

 

Because to be quite frank with you, from your post it sounds like you might really be very physically unattractive, and yeah, people can be quite turned off by extreme ugliness.

 

 

This is NOT a 'rating' thread and I have no intention of letting it turn into one.

 

The REAL question at hand is whether the lack of experience is a turn-off to people, looks aside.

[ponyboy]

This is NOT a 'rating' thread and I have no intention of letting it turn into one.

 

The REAL question at hand is whether the lack of experience is a turn-off to people, looks aside.

 

No a lack of experience is not a turn off to most people.

[Daligal83]

I think the trick is to use your hobbies and interested to meet more people. Take a class in those areas. You don't have to meet people through parties, clubs or bars. I don't really enjoy those places either, only occasionally, so I'm thinking of taking a photography class. It's just about getting out there.

 

And for the part about enjoying being introverted and relationships being about compromises and obligations...it's easy to get comfortable in a safe routine. You're only responsible for yourself and no chances of getting hurt. I love my single life routine and not having to deal with another person's life too. But I've also been in two serious relationships and I'd much rather be in that place. Sure you have to do things you don't want to sometimes, but when you're with the right person it's just worth it and it doesn't seem like a sacrifice. I think for you, the trick would be to find someone who also enjoys their independence and alone time so that you can still get some of that.

[coldplay.]

It sounds like your coming off as prude.

 

I like being introverted and sticking to my hobbies and art-related work. It must mean that I'm not ready for a relationship. Relationships to me are all about making sacrifices and compromises and having obligations.

 

Think about it like this, if every single person in this world were introverted, where would we all be? Im not making a judgment; im introverted too, but i know its not 'healthy' and i AM changing it besides just talking about it.

 

If your downing relationships so much, think about this, arnt u already making sacrifices and compromises for yourself to support your lifestyle?

 

Its gonna be hard to meet someone to potentially 'like' if you dont talk to anyone.

 

Men virtually ignore me, or can't look me in the eye. Which I find baffling, as most men admit that they find it easier to talk to unattractive women. Am I /so/ dreadfully ugly and worthless that men around my age simply cannot acknowledge me?

 

All men will ignore, as all women will ignore men that dont stimulate the conversation and what not, im 100% sure u are not saying things to these people and if your are im also 100% sure they arnt running away.... think about it.

 

We make decisions every day that determine where our life goes, its all a big soup of our choices, we are not fated, if your current decisions are not leading you to a favorable outcome then is not logical to change what your doing. Or would you rather do the same thing many times expecting different results. Thats insanity.

[wagner]

No a lack of experience is not a turn off to most people.

 

I second this.

 

However that's not the whole story.

 

You can have two women that are inexperienced. One is cute, sexy, very attractive, and the other one..isn't.

 

Those two are NOT going to get the same responses from guys.

[luxy]

It sounds like your coming off as prude.

 

If your downing relationships so much, think about this, arnt u already making sacrifices and compromises for yourself to support your lifestyle?

 

 

 

That's a great point, and to be honest, I've never heard it before from anyone. I never really considered the fact that I may be doing an injustice to myself, unwittingly.

 

As far as being a prude, couldn't be farther from the truth, but maybe this is the way I come accross. :sad: Just because I'm not outgoing I'm judged as snobby or whatever. I hate that. I never judge anybody like that--I take the time to get to know them.

[luxy]

I second this.

 

However that's not the whole story.

 

You can have two women that are inexperienced. One is cute, sexy, very attractive, and the other one..isn't.

 

Those two are NOT going to get the same responses from guys.

 

 

I agree with this and it sounds completely logical. It's not exactly a /fair/ reality, but that's life...

[Ammy]

Hey luxy,

 

I am 26, and have barely any dating experience.. Only had my first semi kiss this year.. Never dated anyone for more than a few dates, never get any interest even though I DO go out and about... Don't be so hard on yourself and say you're unattractive, it has nothing to do with looks. A few of my friends are in the same boat at you and I, and they are all attractive girls.. Instead think of how you can increase your chances of meeting the right type of person:

- Go out (do you have friends who you could go out for drinks, social events etc with?)

- Consider online dating?

- Join social groups / clubs / sporting groups

 

Overall you need to be confident in yourself, the more you think you're unattractive etc, the less likely you'll meet people because confidence is a huge thing - much more important than looks.

 

Also is lack of experience a turn off? I don't know.. I often wonder this too - although if a guy is a good catch to me, if he hasn't had many relationships / experience it wouldn't bother me... but I'm a girl! I am sure however there are men out there who would look beyond lack of experience and some who might even like it.

 

Ammy

[coldplay.]

ive been told the exact same thing, my quietness has come off as snobbishness at times.

[luxy]

ive been told the exact same thing, my quietness has come off as snobbishness at times.

 

 

Ah, it's so frustrating, isn't it? I like quiet people. I've never considered anybody a 'snob' just because they don't feel like talking to me! What's wrong with quiet people?

[wagner]

Ah, it's so frustrating, isn't it? I like quiet people. I've never considered anybody a 'snob' just because they don't feel like talking to me! What's wrong with quiet people?

 

 

Sometimes people are quiet because they are "shy". "Shy" is a nice way of saying a person has little to no self confidence, little to no self esteem, a low sense of self worth (which is really saying pretty much the same thing in all 3 cases but with different connotations).

 

There are lots of folks out there with issues...many people aren't interested in meeting someone that projects the fact that they have some serious problems.

[Ammy]

Ah, it's so frustrating, isn't it? I like quiet people. I've never considered anybody a 'snob' just because they don't feel like talking to me! What's wrong with quiet people?

 

I used to get the shy = snob label.. But to remedy that, I push myself to be more engaging with people and SMILE a lot.. so eventhough I'm not talking sometimes, I'm smiling to show I'm not a snob. Also I find even a few words to someone - ie. a compliment - shows you're not a snob, even when you can't think of anything else to talk about because you're shy!

 

Ammy

[Daligal83]

Ammy has a good point. You can be friendly and quiet at the same time. There's a difference between being quiet and being unapproachable. Just work on smiling at people more and you might notice a different response.

[luxy]

Thanks, Ammy. It means a lot to me to know that I'm not some sort of weird anomaly, and that there are others who are in similar situations...

 

I wish I could get out more, it's just that I work long hours and have such a long commute home ( an hour and half coming and going )...on top of that, I still live with my parents, and I sort of feel like that contributes to the problem. Rentals in NYC are so high, and I'm underpaid at my job...I have nobody to move out with so I'd have to get random roommates...it's a bit discouraging.

 

But you're right, I should get out more...

[Ammy]

Thanks, Ammy. It means a lot to me to know that I'm not some sort of weird anomaly, and that there are others who are in similar situations...

 

I wish I could get out more, it's just that I work long hours and have such a long commute home ( an hour and half coming and going )...on top of that, I still live with my parents, and I sort of feel like that contributes to the problem. Rentals in NYC are so high, and I'm underpaid at my job...I have nobody to move out with so I'd have to get random roommates...it's a bit discouraging.

 

But you're right, I should get out more...

 

 

Random roommates may not be a bad thing?? It may help you make some new friends - if you choose carefully?!

 

I can understand the commute must be difficult, but how about at least fri night after work drinks for a couple of hours?? Or Sat night? I can be exhausting getting yourself out there, but it's worth it.. I got to a point this year where I was not getting my optimum sleep, and not spending a lot of time relaxing, but out and about meeting people - it was fun - you can't do it ALL the time, but especially now in the holiday season, see if you can't get out and about a bit.

 

Also do you have any leave / holidays coming up - maybe a vacation somewhere would be a good chance to socialise. I personally am going up the coast on MY OWN next week for a few days to try and do just that - be independent and meet some new people.

 

Definitely don't feel you're weird... I know it's easy to fall into that trap, I do all the time.. I start to think - I must be ugly, or boring or something else negative cos so many people seem to easily hop into relationships with no trouble and I've been single all my life... But then I look at it objectively and I think, hey I'm not ugly, I'm not terribly flawed in any way, I'm smart, people tend to like me and enjoy talking to me.. I just must be giving out the wrong signals to guys, or just might be unlucky right now.. Who knows? All we can do is work on getting out and about, pushing ourselves out of our shyness and comfort zone and keep working on social skills (not saying they're lacking, but they can be improved constantly to enhance opportunities of meeting people!).

 

Good luck hun, hope you find some changes in the NY, I'm hoping I may have my first proper relationship in 2009 - here's hoping!!

 

Ammy

[Ammy]

No message

 

Ammy

[AuthenticAuthor]

Good advice Ammy!

 

Luxy, we can't have everything, but we can make win-win solutions to many sorts of problems. You say that you don't have enough time to meet people due to work; sounds to me like you feel faced with a choice of either finding a better means of making an income OR going out to meet people.

 

My answer: Why not both? Meet people so that you can improve your work, and go to work so that you can meet people. It's not easy, I know; I'm still unemployed after 8 months from college graduation. It is, however, the best way you can invest your time at this point in your life if you want to fulfill your current priorities. Take note that fulfilling multiple priorities at once does not necessarily mean they are of equal worth; that is totally up to you.

 

Jablonalon likewise has his priorities, albeit very few.

[Tarkan]

First of all, it's a bit uncommon I think.

 

Actually, I only know one girl like you, which is one of my best friends.

She might not be as old ( her age is 20 ) but here's the deal:

 

That girl is one of the most beautifull and funny girl around. If that wasn't enough she's also intelligent and skilled in everything related to art. Even tough she might get any guy around, she just enjoys being single.

 

Like you, she might be a bit "weird" and she never had any intimate experience ( sex / kissing ). But that's the funny thing ! While she enjoys flirting around and being single, she's just frustrating every guy because all they want is to have a sleep with her. Now, the reason why she is single might be the fact that she's also ... uhm ... special ...weird ... weirdspecial

 

The girl actually enjoys playing along like this and she told me she never wanted a boyfriend and doesn't feel to need have a partner. She does enjoy company tough ! Sometimes I think she just likes to use guys for her own benefit hehe

 

 

Well anyway, your not alone out there and I must say that I really appreciate girls that don't give themselve away to the first incoming guy. You know, nowadays, alot of guys think with their weener ^^