Something has changed - first step in moving forward

[Steve1]

I feel really - I don't know.

 

Feel very out of touch with reality with this intense grieving.

 

Early this morning - don't know how or why, but after writing numerous pages in a journal. . .

 

I feel like the past 3 -4 weeks since he left I was in the process of taking the first step (in slow motion - shock - stunned) of a journey that is 4,000 steps long. That number just came to mind as I realized this early this morning. Don't know why.

 

That first step was complete. I know that some of these steps will probably take weeks and several hundred of them will occur within seconds. This first step was almost palpable. It makes me very sad. I never wanted to let him go. I don't necessarily want to accept this knowledge that I have to let him go in order to feel ok again some time in the future.

 

I did feel inside that I had really started this journey of letting go.

 

I am so sad about this and at the same time I know that I can NOT - WILL NOT suffer for the rest of my life.

 

I am still feeling like this really cannot be happening.

 

I was looking at the local Men 4 Men postings on Craigslist a few hours ago - got REALLY depressed.

 

I was never going to have to deal with that again - I had my husband - he had me. It hit me that he is not here with me right now. That he chose to leave and I have to respect his decision and right to make that decision. That I am a single man now. I am generally ok with myself, but I was so used to everything to comes with having a spouse.

 

I am feeling so much emotional pain right now that I can't even comprehend going out and having an anonymous sex encounter just for some kind of release.

 

I want him here now. It is relatively cold in Los Angeles right now. We should be laying next to each other on the couch watching movies - or out at Whole Foods and Trader Joes buying what we need for Christmas dinner.

 

Or we should be up in Portland Oregon spending Christmas with my side of the family this year.

 

He did not die. Why is he not here?

 

How in the hell can this be happening?

 

It is happening. I will get through this.

 

Then the really sick joke of all of this - I have had more really good looking men try to pick me up in various places in the past few weeks - Not something I am imagining - several have approached me to introduce themselves, offer their telephone numbers, ask me to come home with them. This has occurred in the subway, in a Borders Bookstore, It is very nice to be validated but I really can't even begin to think about an anonymous sex encounter and dating is completely out of the question.

 

It is so weird to not know what to do in these situations. I was as much of a - well - typical male as any other man before I ended up "married" to my partner for 11 years.

 

This reminds me of one of George Carlin's really sick jokes/statements - really funny though if you enjoy offensive and sick humor like I do - don't even know why I am thinking about this right now. . .

 

From his book "When will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops"

 

"I wonder what it would be like to f**k a grieving woman."

 

I guess life really does not cease to be funny when someone is grieving as much as it does not cease to be serious when someone is laughing.

 

Good, this is getting me out of this intense pain temporarily - I have a few things I need to do today.

 

I still can't believe this is happening - My partner needs to wake me up from this nightmare soon - any time in fact - seems like it is lasting a really long time for a dream - I am sure that I am in that bed next to him making noise and thrashing around enough to wake him. I can usually make myself wake up from a nightmare. Something is not right here.

 

Could it be possible that I never see or hear from him again for the rest of this lifetime?

 

I need to get some Romaine lettuce for (our) my pet Guinea Pigs before the stores close.

 

Thank you all for the support and advice and for "listening" to my rambling.

 

Steve

[JohnDoe123]

Hey!

 

I journal too and to be honest your post kinda reads like my journal does at times so yeah- I can totally relate to how you're feeling.

 

I don't have any answers for you other than what I know rom my own experiences.

 

This is what I DO know to be true:

 

It is gonna take time. Cliche' but true.

 

The answers to the many questions that are racing through your mind will come. In time.

 

Right now it sounds like you're on "10". Know this: The dust WILL settle, your mind and your heart will calm down alittle bit and you'll be on "9". then "8". Then maybe a setback and back to 10 for a minute.

 

Hooking up on the rebound will only kick your ass and leave you feeling worse. You already know that so count that as a blessing. The fact you are posting here means you are already on the road to recovery and are working on youself.

 

I can also relate to 11 years with someone as I too was with someone for 11 years in a previous relationship. It was tough and it took me a logng time to heal. The fact is, though, that I DID heal and grew into a better person. I'm now recovering from yet another breakup after 2.75 years. Its tough but I'm making it one day ata time.

 

You can too. Hang in there, read and post, write in your journal, and stick to the simple basic stuff right now: Eat well, sleep well, work hard, and try to play a little even if you have to force yourself and you hate every minute of it. Things WILL get better and you WILL feel better.

 

Peace,

 

JD123

[John Bendix]

Kubler-Ross and the Steps of Grieving a Loss

 

 

1- Denial "This not happening"

2- Anger "I am not going to let this happen, I'll fight it"

3- Bargaining "If I do this, then this will stop happening"

4- Depression/ "This is making me so sad that I do not want to face it"

Repression

5- Aceeptance "This has happened on will deal with it"

 

To Dr. Kubler-Ross, with the exception of acceptance, the order of the other 4 are not always the same.

 

It seems that acceptance of what is, is the key to end the suffering. To me it not time that heals all wounds, it is acceptance. It just happens that for most of us, it takes alot of time to learn to accept.

[Steve1]

It is gonna take time. Cliche' but true.

The answers to the many questions that are racing through your mind will come. In time.

JohnDoe123 >>>

 

Thank you for the support and much needed reassurance.

 

What I have observed in friends and family who endured the pain of losing a long term relationship is that time does not heal by itself.

 

Time will just pass. Time and distance will take the sting out of the pain and you will be able to feel ok and even happy again.

 

If you do not process and feel the pain and make your own sense of the loss you will live with an emotional wound/baggage that will affect you and your future relationships for the rest of your life.

 

Time does not heal by itself, it just goes by.

 

When I hear someone still speaking ill of a relationship that ended 20 years ago, they have most likely not let it go. Their unresolved issues from that relationship still affect their current and/or future relationships.

 

I do not want to just let time go by. I feel that the time I spent in this relationship and the depth of that connection - that my own ability to move on and and not be miserable, sad, grieving and in despair deserves the work of moving through this intense pain.

 

That being said, I woke up today and my first feeling was that I could not continue to go on without our relationship intact. That was quickly replaced with the deep ache and pain of despair.

 

As far as the questions running through my head - I believe that I need to accept that many of these will not be answered and that I need to make peace with that - move into accepting that.

 

I have also observed in myself and others that when the pain and suffering of a crisis begins to fade, it can become difficult moving forward into doing the work (usually in the form of counseling) necessary to really move on and not hold onto the emotional baggage and wound.

 

I hope this does not happen to me with this loss.

 

Thank you again for this much needed support and encouragement.

 

Steve.

[SighSob]

I wish I could accept what happened...but I keep jumping from phase 1 to phase 2 to phase 3 then back to phase 1...

[JohnDoe123]

Steve1-

 

I hear what you're saying about not wanting to end up bitter 20 years down the road. I don't think you need to worry about that. The fact that you are even remotely AWARE tells me that you're gonna be just fine. I agree that it is not just "time" that heals. As I said it is a cliche'. I guess we could revise that chiche' to ready "Time and acceptance heal all wounds". We could then pare it down further to "Acceptacnce heals all wounds", huh? We are led right back to "time" though, because acceptance, like forgiveness, takes time.

 

Ironic, isn't it, that the good times pass so quickly and now, druing hard times, it passes at a snails pace?

Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.

 

You're gonna be okay.

 

---------------------------------

 

SighSob-

 

I also bounce back and forth between stages. I get a nice yummy taste of acceptance and then outta thr blue I'm right back to anger or depression. M past experiences as well as this one indicate that the stages are not linear. As long as, in the grand scheme of things, we are striving for and reaching acceptance then all WILL be well.

 

just a coupe days of my stages: Christmas Eve i was bouncing between acceptance and depression. Yesterday I had a few moments of anger and then right back to depression. I woke up today with a great deal of acceptance. It's early morning here- anything can happen!

 

I said to a friend on the phone yesterday: "I've NEVER experienced "moodiness' yet here I am, at the age of 44, swinging from "good to go" to "blubbering mess" to "calm & mellow". Sheesh!

 

Will somebody stop this ride? I want OFF!

 

I bought the ticket so it looks like I'm going for the FULL ride.

 

Peace all,

 

JD123

[Steve1]

I woke up on Christmas day with such deep pain and an overwhelming need to want him back here with me.

 

I went to bed with that intense grieving feeling and felt that I could not go on without being able to lay next to and hold onto his body.

 

Now I have awakened this morning just feeling down. Getting ready to go to work for the next 12 hours.

 

Several friends and family think he is going to call after the holidays are over - after the first of the year. He already called once after the first week but did not leave a message and never tried to call back again. I knew he called because of the missed call history on my cell phone.

 

If he never called again - well I wont know what is going to happen and I guess there is nothing I can do about it.

 

If anything I just wanted some kind of closure. To know how he feels about everything. The book I am reading talks about how important this is. It also mentions that if you (as the one who has decided to leave) do not give closure it will affect you in negative ways that you could never imagine.

 

It might have helped if he had left me a letter explaining how he feels and why he felt that the relationship had to end.

 

Instead he is a coward and leaves a very brief note trying to place half of the decision to leave onto me.

 

That is a very disrespectful way to end eleven years together.

 

Nothing I can do about this.

 

Thank you again for the support.

 

I have to remember it has only been one month. It seems like a really long time.

 

Steve.