Sharing the cost.

[equinox]

I'm not one for dates at all, in fact the idea of them scares the hell out of me. However, I've found myself in a position of asking a girl to the movies (which she accepted).

 

Now as it's a first date, I fully intend to pay for her. I mean it seems fair as I asked for her company and all the usual gender roles. However, it's planted the seed of a very old question in my head.... should men always pick up the tab?

 

Traditionally, I know we generally do but my dad told me that my mom always paid her way on dates when they started together. I also know that in a serious relationship both partners must share the costs of living and that should include dates but my question relates to the first few dates.

 

What I'm a bit worried about is that if I constantly pay for her she may think I'm trying to get under her bra before she want to let me. Also, I'm not made of money!

 

I don't want to bring this up to her as I don't want to seem cheap or mean but I don't relish the idea of spend a fortune. Who does really?

[Sn0man]

I usually pay for the first few dates - often my date will offer to pay her way but i'm happy to pick up the tab. After a few dates, I occasionally will take her up on it - not always, but sometimes.

 

It's a bit of a balancing act I think.

[waveseer]

If you don't want to spend too much money then come up with inexpensive or free date ideas.

[Massari]

For the first a few dates yes you can pay and again I agree on what you said. you asked for her company. and usually in the future dates she will offer to pay . of maybe on this first one she will offer, if she did tell her i'll pay this time and you pay next time, what this does is it suggests a second date already half way through the first date and you will see what she says.

 

good luck on the date

[MyheartorHis]

I like a guy to take the shot of paying for the first date, but that means that I get to pay for the second one. It's kinda like a "gentleman" thing for me, I guess I find it old fashioned. I think you should always share the cost... whether it's paying your own way or taking turns.

[thejigsup]

I make the guy pay if he makes substantially more than me. I'm worth it and I haven't had any complaints in 40 years of dating. I will make them dinner as a return favor and help out financially when I can. If a guy wants you enough, he will pay. If he doesn't, you know he will be tight in marriage.

[DN]

I have often seen women say that if a man isn't generous when dating he won't be geneous in a marriage - but none of them seem to realise that exactly the same principle works in reverse.

 

Which is why an increasing number of women who think that way are finding themselves single.

[waveseer]

Whoever does the inviting is obligated to pay. The offering of the other person is a game.

[Batya33]

I think it's a good plan to offer to pay for the first few dates - and pay for the first unless she suggests a very expensive place or activity. She should offer to pay or offer to pay her way after the first few dates, if not earlier.

[Karmageddon]

Whoever does the inviting is obligated to pay. The offering of the other person is a game.

 

I usually agree with this sentiment as well, but if I want to see someone and maybe im not as liquid financially that month..I will make them a nice dinner or something like that. So just try to think outside the box money wise. Its really about spending time, not money.

[DN]

With the economic downturn the way it is and so many people either losing their jobs or having to take pay cuts and make other sacrifices - people are going to have to rethink dating practices or not date at all. People just won't be able to afford to carry the financial costs of dating by themselves any more. And if anyone still insists on 'making' someone else pay for them then they will be taking even more financial advantage than they were before. Many people have no conscience about doing that but the practicalities of things may force a rethink.

[equinox]

Some good advice and thank you.

 

I've had coffee with her and she payed the first time without even thinking about it but the second time, I payed for her and she accepted without argument.

 

I'll be paying for this next date but if she expects me to pay every time I think I'll peruse her no further as it probably means she's selfish. I don't think she is, but you never know eh

[JeckyllNHyde]

I like a guy to take the shot of paying for the first date, but that means that I get to pay for the second one. It's kinda like a "gentleman" thing for me, I guess I find it old fashioned. I think you should always share the cost... whether it's paying your own way or taking turns.

 

same here. usually i'll take a treat the first time. sometimes if i want to "stand out" i'll even pay the first date. (ok, i only really did that once, and i guess my attempt to "stand out" and show the guy i didn't go out with him just for a free meal didn't impress... so...)

 

my new approach though is, to accept the date and let the guy pay. to me it kind of shows me the guy is willing to spend on me, therefore chances are a bit higher that he likes me. and even if he is asking me out just to get in my pants, it takes more then just a date, so no loss there for me.

 

i see nothing wrong with a gal asking a guy out, but i guess i'm one to play it safe and see if he has enough interest to ask me out on his own.

 

the second date, it really doesn't matter who pays. usually the guy ends up paying but by date 3 i make sure i pay at least half. maybe all.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Some good advice and thank you.

 

I've had coffee with her and she payed the first time without even thinking about it but the second time, I payed for her and she accepted without argument.

 

I'll be paying for this next date but if she expects me to pay every time I think I'll peruse her no further as it probably means she's selfish. I don't think she is, but you never know eh

 

i dont think it means she's selfish. could be other reasons. really..

think about it.

i mean she paid on her own the first date, which is not something i see alot of. most gals expect the guy to pay the first or even all dates..pfff that doesn't mean i agree. i'm just mentioning what i observe.

 

if you take the innitiative and pay for all the next dates, and she doesn't reject then does that make her selfish? maybe she figures you are financially well off and don't mind paying. or maybe she doesn't want to cause a big scene. or maybe she figures you just want to pay for dates.

 

i'm just saying that if you like her, don't let an issue about who pays get in the way. you can easily come to an agreement and carry on on your fun dates.

you guys are just getting to know each other... so don't judge from small stuff like this.

now if she tries to "forget her wallet" maybe then she needs to be ditched.

[equinox]

With the economic downturn the way it is and so many people either losing their jobs or having to take pay cuts and make other sacrifices - people are going to have to rethink dating practices or not date at all. People just won't be able to afford to carry the financial costs of dating by themselves any more. And if anyone still insists on 'making' someone else pay for them then they will be taking even more financial advantage than they were before. Many people have no conscience about doing that but the practicalities of things may force a rethink.

 

 

A good point. I'm having trouble finding work experience for college at the moment so believe me, I know all about that Still, 75% sure I have a job lined up so I'll hope and pray.

 

Anyway, I do have a second question and this will save a separate thread. This date will be my third time out with her and I think it might be a good idea to make a move, otherwise she may think I'm looking for a friend and nothing more. Would it be a good idea to try and kiss her or perhaps not?

[JeckyllNHyde]

what do you think she sees you as? is there flirting going on? touching? sitting close?

what do you both do onthe dates? talk? about what?

(just asking to get a bit of a cleared pictures what her intentions MIGHT be)

[equinox]

what do you think she sees you as? is there flirting going on? touching? sitting close?

what do you both do onthe dates? talk? about what?

(just asking to get a bit of a cleared pictures what her intentions MIGHT be)

 

We talk about nothing in particular and everything in general. I think she's interested in me as I just get that vibe from her.

 

When we were out last time, we sat down on a bench and she shimmied slightly closer to me than she had been after a few seconds, though I didn't notice it at the time.

 

As for flirting and that, well she hasn't and nor have I. I'm not flirty by nature really.

[JeckyllNHyde]

i'd make a move and kiss her already.

 

either that or you can wait till you guys have gotten to really know each other and can't wait to kiss anymore lol.

try maybe holding her hand or if you're shy go for a kiss on the cheek? (or been there done that?)

[equinox]

i'd make a move and kiss her already.

 

either that or you can wait till you guys have gotten to really know each other and can't wait to kiss anymore lol.

try maybe holding her hand or if you're shy go for a kiss on the cheek? (or been there done that?)

 

Nope haven't done that but I intend to. Thanks

[CaptainPlanet]

You shouldn't have to, but you do. If you want to have any chance with this girl; then pick up the tab.

[CaptainPlanet]

With the economic downturn the way it is and so many people either losing their jobs or having to take pay cuts and make other sacrifices - people are going to have to rethink dating practices or not date at all. People just won't be able to afford to carry the financial costs of dating by themselves any more. And if anyone still insists on 'making' someone else pay for them then they will be taking even more financial advantage than they were before. Many people have no conscience about doing that but the practicalities of things may force a rethink.

 

I don't think logic comes into it. They won't see it as bad or be mindful of the economic climate. These are women and they will expect to be pampered. Their attitude will be that if he cannot afford her, then he does not get her. Simple and sexist. So long as it benefits the woman sexism is more than acceptable.

 

I'll repeat I think you gotta pick up the tab.

[equinox]

Simple and sexist. So long as it benefits the woman sexism is more than acceptable.

 

 

 

Haha, very true

[ghost69]

A good point. I'm having trouble finding work experience for college at the moment so believe me, I know all about that Still, 75% sure I have a job lined up so I'll hope and pray.

 

Anyway, I do have a second question and this will save a separate thread. This date will be my third time out with her and I think it might be a good idea to make a move, otherwise she may think I'm looking for a friend and nothing more. Would it be a good idea to try and kiss her or perhaps not?

 

you should be making moves already. 3rd date? no reason to wait so long.

 

also, don't go to the movies if you want to get to know someone.

[winter whiteout]

What if the woman is struggling to survive and would love to contribute to dates but can't? If she was mindful and did not expect to go to expensive places or to have the man buy things for her?

 

It is a fear of mine if I ever get the chance to date again. I would feel funny if he had to pay most of the time.

[DN]

What if the woman is struggling to survive and would love to contribute to dates but can't? If she was mindful and did not expect to go to expensive places or to have the man buy things for her?

 

It is a fear of mine if I ever get the chance to date again. I would feel funny if he had to pay most of the time.

Then you can be reasonably upfront and say that finances are a little stretched right now so you would prefer to go on dates that didn't involve too much money, make him dinner etc. so that you are contributing as much as you can. No reasonable person would see that as taking advantage if he then decides he doesn't mind paying most of the time because that is up to him.