Money issues / Arguing about food

[FrankPhilly]

Ok long story short, my son got a part-time job during is winter break. I told him that he should give me his paychecks, and that I will deposit them, and I will dispense it to him as needed on a weekly basis. I do not think he is necessarily wasteful. He hardly ever spends money in the first place so it's not like he needs to be carrying around loads of cash or have a lot of money in his bank account. He still refused to do it. Do you think its appropriate for him to ignore my request especially if I am helping put him through medical school? He is lucky I haven't told him he has to pay me back for his undergraduate tuition.

 

Also he has gotten really picky about food. I admit that I am not a great cook but I try. But he argues or complains about it all the time, saying it tastes bad or something else. For example he does not eat meat on Fridays owing to him being a stricter Catholic than most people. Two weeks ago on Friday dinner I made some meat and he refused to eat it. I explained to him that he was being rude and childish, like a young kid who doesn't eat certain foods because he doesn't "like" them. Besides the Catholic Church says there are other ways of abstaining on Fridays (and what good does it do if you give up meat on Friday then go to the buffet on Saturday?). So I made meat again LAST week and there was still no change. He ate three potatoes and that was it. What would you do here?

[DN]

I think you should agree an amount of money he should pay for room and board and he should give it to you. There is no way you should take his pay check and give him an allowance - he's not a child.

 

You should also accommodate his not wanting to eat meat on Friday. You are being unnecessarily authoritative and provocative in insisting he does.

 

I think you need to rethink the way you are interacting with your son before you lose all his respect.

[Lionel Hutz]

Well it sounds like he should buy his own food. Thats what mom told me when I began to complain. I regard to his finances, I personally think its his hard earned money and why should you control it? Plus how will he ever learn to budget his own money if you disperse it?

[jerk chicken]

How old is the son??? If he is old enough to work then he is old enough to have his money going into his own account, its not fair for you to take the pay then deposit it to him, dont u know how good it feels to get paid into your account and have your own money after working many hard hours for it. If he is so picky i think he should buy his own food and cook it himself!

[arwen]

If I were your son I think I'd refuse that too. I am assuming he is 18 or so? It's his job, so if you feel that money of that belongs to you for boarding or food, agree on payment of living expenses. That way he will feel treated as an adult and not as a child.

 

Learn him how to cook or motivate him to learn it somehow. Maybe I am wrong, but how old is your son? Before he leaves the house he should know how to cook. Then you can have him cook if he complains about your cooking skills

[Portage]

If he is over 20 and still living at home, i think you should have him pay a certain percentage at the beginning or end of each month. Also a percentage should go towards savings.

 

don't 'take' his cheque. Let him be responsible, and don't make him feel like he is being 'kept'

[jcrisph]

same thing my dad says to my brother, if you dont like it and if dont like my rules, cooking, etc...then there is the door, find your own place to live and do what ever you want.

 

let him have his check but say this is what is going to happen if you want to live under my roof.

 

pay this amount of money

 

if you dont like cooking, buy your own food and cook

 

etc....

[knightNshiningarmor]

no offense but after reading this i have more respect for my dad...why would you cook meat on those days when u know he has a problem with it...much about religion doesnt make logical sense being a christian myself but thats why its called faith not undeniable truths. And as for his paycheck...wow...seriously...only if he was mentally handicap would i see this even remotely acceptable. Or do you want him depending on you all his life? seriously? maybe unconsciously he gives your life reason and you do but if thats the case then u need to look to find your own self outside of just a dad.

[laisla]

how old is he? i don't think it's fair to be holding his cash like that. but you can make him help out with the bills at home, or pay you rent.

[chocolate-cake]

unacceptable to take his pay, ask him to write a list of what he likes to eat for certain meals and not, if its resaonable go shopping 2gether and try cook together the meals so he can do it himself in the future.

[Lionel Hutz]

One question? For what reason do you think he should not have "alot of cash in his account."? Its his time spent at work. I think those telling you to make to make him pay bills/rent are right, and its an indirect and much more respectable way to make him responsible with his finances, which is what I think you are trying to do. I sense some resentment that you are paying or paid for his education. He may sense this too.

[waveseer]

Sit down with yourself and think about what types of contributions on his part would satisfy you. Then sit down with him and share this. It's your home and you have a right to feel comfortable there. Choose your battles wisely, he will likely be living with you only a short time longer, enjoy it.

[agent1607307371]

I think you have a right to ask for board, and a right to ask him to cook for himself.

 

Asking for his paycheck is, I don't even know what. It wouldn't be acceptable if he were 16 and it was his first job, let alone someone old enough to have a job and a place on a med course.

Why shouldn't he control his own finances? The request seems like an attempt to keep him dependant on you, even though you seem to resent that dependance (school fees).

[redhearts]

If he is a grown adult, he is eventually going to have to learn how to manage his own money. You won't always be there for him, so he needs to deposit his own checks and manage his own money. As for him not eating your food, just don't make him any and let him get his own food.

[Creative]

So... do you do that to yourself? Earn money and then without any control, give it to someone else so they can manage it for you?

 

And why are you blaming your son's response for your own bad cook? How exactly did you want him to respond?

[Lionel Hutz]

Okay man, I read your previous posts and your son is my age if im not mistaken. Let him be a man. He sounds like he is going to do a good job in life. Your job watching over him is done. It may be defeating, but the blunt truth is that if you keep this up, hes going to hate you.

 

My dad wanted to be my dictator, and I was smart enough to realise I knew what I was doing at twenty five, And if im not mistaken you live in HIS apartment, which you co-signed on. You gotta back off man, I mean really really back off. And stop cooking for him.

[FrankPhilly]

I am not being completely unreasonable and saying he can't have money. I ask for his money because i am TRYING to teach him responsibility, and because he just doesnt need it all at once. He hardly ever spends money outside of necessities anyhow, so I don't see the difference logistically speaking whether it's in my account or his.

 

For the food issue, he is "not allowed" to cook. It is too dangerous. He might cut himself or start a fire if he is not careful. Also the Pope changed the rules on eating meat on Fridays in 1966. So there is no reason for him to refuse to eat it. I personally think he is acting quite childish. When we were kids we all didn't like to eat certain things and argued about having to eat them. This is the exact same behavior that he displays.

 

Being a "responsible adult" requires that you have to know how to act like a responsible child first. The way he acts, talking back when I ask him to do something, outright ignoring me, etc...shows that he first must learn how to be a child, as he is not ready to be an adult just yet.

[DN]

I ask for his money because i am TRYING to teach him responsibility, and because he just doesnt need it all at once. He hardly ever spends money outside of necessities anyhow, so I don't see the difference logistically speaking whether it's in my account or his.

 

He has already learned the lesson - and needs no further instruction from you. And the difference is that it is his earned money and should be in his account.

 

For the food issue, he is "not allowed" to cook. It is too dangerous. He might cut himself or start a fire if he is not careful. Also the Pope changed the rules on eating meat on Fridays in 1966. So there is no reason for him to refuse to eat it. I personally think he is acting quite childish. When we were kids we all didn't like to eat certain things and argued about having to eat them. This is the exact same behavior that he displays.

To say it is too dangerous for him to cook is treating him like a child when he is not. If he were six you might have a point - at his age you simply don't.

 

Many Catholics still hold to the discipline of not eating meat on Fridays despite the restriction having been lifted by the Second Vatican Council - it is his choice to do that and, more importantly, his right. You are wrong to try to force him to do otherwise because this is not the same thing as a small child being stubborn about not eating his veggies.

 

You are treating your son like a child when he is a young adult and it is time you stopped doing that before you lose his trust, respect and possibly his love.

[Applewhite]

I couldn't agree more with DN.

 

 

It seems like he is already spending his money wisely. Why to you need to 'try' to 'teach' him something? Why should the money he worked for be in your account. Also is there any reason you think it is dangerous for him to cook?

[Cin77]

I think that you should let him manage his own money. Your son needs to learn the value of earning and spending his own money on his own.

 

I also think that making him eat foods he doesn't want to eat is bound to cause an argument needlessly. You could make something easy like a salad or meatless pasta for him so that he knows you respect his choices. How would you like someone trying to make you eat something you don't want to eat and arguing with you about it?

 

Try to see things from his point of view. I'm sure he'll respect you more for it and there will be less arguing.

[Creative]

Somehow I think your son is good to have you around. Opposing you teaches him how to be strong, but scars other areas of his life.