To those TRULY inside YOUR NC experience...

[happyforyou]

So you are officially in NC zone and holding firm. The thought of X mas contact already has its answer: No Way! Its not even an issue or an option. You are happy and pleased with yourself in your healing and NC progress. We understand the point of the endeavor: US not them...more and more each day.

 

 

They are off trotting around with someone new or perhaps their ex before you, and hop-scotching through the holidays, blah blah blah. Or not. Point is- We don't know and its no longer our responsibility to care. There is no point if WE are moving on with OUR lives. Right? Right.

 

So....the question then becomes...

 

What is the benefit for us in NC when we HEAL "properly" NOW, alone, facing our trappings like the courageous people we are....vs. Their way of immediate substitution , not being alone, not healing "properly"?

 

What makes our method of healing NC better than their method of replacement? In the end.....? In other words, we will eventually find love again, they have found it already -maybe or maybe not. So what will make OUR experience better due to NC vs. theirs? In the end, we all end up with other people anyway? So what's the difference, specifically, the BENEFIT, of the NC way?

 

 

Am I missing something? What are your thoughts?

[waveseer]

When I have unresolved feelings for my past relationship partners I am unable to maintain my serenity in a new relationship.

[Shattered21]

I hear you completely and this is where my mind is torn.

 

He is with someone, loving someone new, not thinking of me and not thinking of last xmas that we celebrated together and how amazing it was.

 

I am sitting here thinking of him, and still hurting, and not thinking of contacting him but just simply looking at his myspace or other things that can lead me to know what is new with his life and new with "them".

 

I sit here and wonder well if I am already hurt, and thinking of him, why not, why not just look how can it make things worse.

 

The point is it does. I can't control my mind or the way I feel but what I can control is the lack of knowing what he is doing and not setting myself up to be hurt. Contacting him would hurt me, checking his stuff out will hurt me. He is a big boy if he wanted to talk to me or missed me he would step up to the plate and do so.

 

I guess I am just thinking I can't control what my mind and heart feel but adding to that pain and looking can cause this pain to last longer. At this point I am thinking this pain will last forever, but I also hope that the less I know about him, and the less I see that he has changed or how happy he is with her, the less chance he will be on my mind. He will always be there and always apart of me, but knowing less maybe is the only option for us now, and not contacting is not only wiser but it is the holidays, you can contact them any day of the week, this isn't your only chance and just wait it out. I am a firm believer that sometimes things are never too late. So just wait it out and see how you feel after these horrid holiday times

[happyforyou]

right right and right. i just keep wondering...strongly suspecting ..that there has GOT to be some better, brighter, long term benefit of the NC angle....

you guys are right: less I know the better. and being "better" does mean serenity later. I know these things outwardly. and inwardly. and xmas is in no way a silly pretense to contact, ugh, how annoying of a thought....but I suppose I just want to put my finger on believing that there is something more and greater in OUR plight of NC...????

[happyforyou]

you are RIGHT! Actually, as I read your response, two seconds later after 13 days of NC, i just got a "Passion Up" greeting and deleted it without reading it from him. (i blocked his texts and email address but the greetings page isn't blocked bcuz who knows what site he'll use.) readytoheal- you are strong! I am not interested in his thoughts anymore. He forfeited the benefits of entering my brain due to his behavior. THANK YOU!

[happyforyou]

shattrd you are STRONG and that's right. NC and protect your feelings because you deserve to heal girl. there must be a benefit in the end, but I am starting to see the benefit is actually NOW, in taking control of what we allow and tolerate in our lives. I just deleted his greeting and I am SO PROUD of myself. Maybe the today is tomorrow, and the process of healing triumphs just as much as being healed in the end?

[Shattered21]

hahaha This quote is great! "but I suppose I just want to put my finger on believing that there is something more and greater in OUR plight of NC...????"

 

I hear you and again go back and forth thinking NC is for me and to heal and to find someone better who loves me for me and someone I can show the real me to. Then I think NC is for Us where we can both work on ourselves and I can once again show my Ex all the things I've changed and the better person I've become and how more compatible I can be. Then I think NC Is for Him where he can feel the lapse of me not being apart of his life and miss me and want me.

 

Then today I woke up and said look I know today and the next 2 weeks will be hard. Who knows the next 2 months or years could also be hard. But I got on this long without him, I am surviving and now instead of thinking of NC and thinking of it as a game of not checking, I am just going to live. I am just going to break the habits of checking his stuff not b/c I am telling myself to do so, b/c I am to busy with my life and the new life I now have to accept and start living.

 

I guess I am focusing less on NC and more on me. I guess if you don't think you are doing NC then you can't really think of the possible outcomes that may come from it. And you actually might have even better outcomes then you even imagined.

 

How can we get over this breakup and over our ex's if we still have some part of our life focused on them, even if is a positive thing like NC it still is connected to them which still keeps them in our life and fresh in our minds.

 

I can't wait for the day I wake up and not think of him, and not think of how I won't check stuff today or what he is doing, and just breath and think of what I yes ME am doing today, not HIM

[jerk chicken]

Because in the stage you are at, its clear THEY do not care about you or your feelings, there must be a reason why you are doing NC- something they have done or were doing for a while. so for YOU to get urself back together properly you must cut off all contact, if u got with someone new it would just be a coverup and lead to even more disaster as you would be an emotional mess. Keep going even though its hard.

[Robert013]

NC is better than getting into a new relationship because we heal quicker. By replacing us they have what seems to be the easy way out but in reality they have just swept the dust under the table. It will build and eventually come out from under the table and prolong there healing process.

 

You can not replace the void left behind by someone else with someone new because every one is different and therefore does not fill the same void. No matter what they think they will still have a void. NC fills this void fully without trying to replace it with something else.

[crab62]

here are my thoughts...

 

On prior break-ups... NC was never really an issue because the exbf and I were able to "banter" back and forth at times... getting the feelings out, getting the hurt out, without too much damage. Yes it hurt, but somehow being in contact with them for a little while seemed okay... kind of lessened the blow. Overtime we stopped communicating, but I never felt the need for NC and on any break-up prior to this one.

 

This last break-up is entirely different. I have NEVER had a man walk out on me like he did with absolutely no closure or desire for "some" follow-up communication. I have never attempted to contact a man who bit back so hard with such an awful email. With this kind of breakup, is where NC comes into play.

 

NC is there if you need it. NC is there to protect you if you need it from further hurt. If you have an understanding exbf or exgf.. and if you can have an amicable break-up without hurtful words, then great. However, if one person is calling the other and is ending up feeling absolutely horrible after each and every phone call... well then NC is mandatory... cause you just can't go around throwing your heart on the cutting board for you ex to cut up.

 

So I dont think its a matter of what's better or worse... its a matter of what works for you.

 

At least thats my thought... you know the saying... "once bitten, twice shy"... that's NC in a nutshell.

[Brokelyn]

Happy for You, this is a great post because I, too, feel this way from time to time but not have been able to articulate it the way you have. The only difference is I don't know if I make the direct NC connection.

 

I have been NC for a little over 6 months. It is second nature by now. However, the healing process in general doesn't come as easily for me. As I'm sure you know, it can differ so much from day to day. NC is PART of our healing in addition to working on ourselves, therapy for some of us, learning the lessons, etc.. This is very painful and finds most of us not ready to start another relationship. My ex jumped right into someone else's arms as has always been his pattern. His method of coping is to block out the past. Every time I have a nostalgiac memory of him that causes me pain, it becomes doubly painful because I know he is not remembering it. He will not think of our new year's this new year's, but I will spend the whole night pushing through the memory, despite my lack of contact with him.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is I know our way is "supposed" to be right and I am not of the camp that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, but in my darkest moments I just wonder if ignorance is bliss. If you go your whole life repeating relationship patterns and never learning anything, but believing you are happy in love, how do you ever feel pain?

 

NC aside, what are the benefits of our journey?

[Brokelyn]

NC is better than getting into a new relationship because we heal quicker. By replacing us they have what seems to be the easy way out but in reality they have just swept the dust under the table. It will build and eventually come out from under the table and prolong there healing process.

 

You can not replace the void left behind by someone else with someone new because every one is different and therefore does not fill the same void. No matter what they think they will still have a void. NC fills this void fully without trying to replace it with something else.

 

How can we assume they have a void?

[OrangeMoon]

exactly Brokelyn..

 

If they felt the same way you did, they would have never ended the rels..

 

The void that we feel, is different from theirs..

 

Due to our pain most of us cant deal with the thought of being with someone else..but for the dumpers..being with someone else is something they longed for for a while, without you even knowing..

 

To go out and try to connect with someone else while your going through a lot of pain, doesnt help..you are deluding yourself. Making love, holding hands with someone new are empty acts. We, dumpees, need to go through the healing process.

 

Dumpers experience pain of the loss as well, but it is different..they were full well and able to make the decision for the break. And i am not talking about dumpers that put a stop to abusive, cheating, or otherwise very damaging situations to their emotional well being (for me those kind of dumpers are actually dumpees)

 

Now going through the holidays, the new years without even a hint of wishing you the best of times. To me putting out a gesture like that, is common courtesy, the least respectfull thing you can do..especially when you recently ended the rels. Just out of respect for the good times that you shared and the friendship that was there before all the drama took over..

 

Now not sending anything..is a clearcut message that they are OVER YOU..want you to move on..and want to forget about you. NOthing more and nothing less..You are not their priority any more..whether they think about you sometimes or not..that message of best wishes is sent to a stranger, a colleague, a newly beloved...but not to you!

 

It is hard, but thats why NC is the best thing to do..

 

THe ball is in their corner..yes. But they do not control the game..you do.

 

Once you are truly over them..you can decide to go back and see how life is treating them..On your terms, fully strong and happy with the life you are living..

 

but

 

The only question is..why bother with someone who chuck you away without even a hint of compassion...strenght and character lies in the little things you know...they failed miserably at that. But whether you go back or not is your choice.

 

If their ever is a black and white situation in life it is this: if you had the strenght to break up with me, knowing how much that would hurt, you had the strenght to say no to reconciling, time and time again... Had the strenght to go for what you wanted (the breakup, another person)...than you will find the strenght again to say "i was wrong, i want you back, can you forgive me for what i did".

 

If the person you love does not have the strenght to do this right now...they ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR ENERGY

 

Save that for healing yourself and the one who is worthy of your time, energy and focus someday..

 

All my best wishes full of love, strenght and passion to you all...