just a lil advice on this

[mechie22]

For those of you that have read my other threads and for those who havent I have a new issue on my hands. I need some advice/opinions on this.

 

A quick overview of my situation:

 

I was in an "open" relationship for a short time which i detested being in with my b/f of four years. Before he decided he needed to do this our relationship was rocky and very unhealthy. In the past i had been going out and flirting but never taking that cheating sort of step. It basically was him talking me into giving him permission to run around on me with another girl. I was devistated and begged him to stop countless times, even sinking as low as to sleep with someone because my b/f made it sound like a bad thing that he was my only sexual partner ever.

 

All in all it finally stopped and he figured out now that the problems he aparently did it to get over never faded. Now my ego is battered ,my self esteem bruised, and i feel so vulnerable and needy.

 

From the advice i received in my last threads it was a very mixed signals and most ppl felt it was my fault which made me so sad, so I decided to work on it with him. I have been trying to be as open as i can about how i feel. I have told him that i need him to "step up" and turn on the charm as well as be romantic which he never ever has been. We have talked about both sides of the situation and disagree on it but have come to an understanding.

 

Here is my problem recently he has told me i talk about it too much, and jumps on the defense everytime i talk about how hurtful what he did was. I also don't really feel that he has stepped up enough or has shown me that things are going to be better. He also has flat out yelled at me for voicing my side of how things went and how i viewed it.

 

Another problem is he works with her and ive asked him repetedly to have no contact unless it is truly necessary, yet it seems they have a small conversation everytime they work together. I tell him it makes me uncomfortable and upset and he says he's just trying to keep things from being weird at work. Then as if its not bad enough that they work together and still have conversations, yesterday he told me he gave her a hug to say merry christmas. I was so hurt by this he said it was like a distant friendly thing but i feel there should be no physical contact of any kind between them.

 

So my question here is am i over reacting? Am i focusing too much on my own hurt to not see that hes still hurting too? Is it selfish of me to be thinking well he tried to get over our issues by having sex/leading on another gir,l and it didnt help so he should only be focused on gaining my trust back and helping me heal or should it b a mutual effort (i help him too)? Should i not be so focused on the contact he has with her or what they say?

[lostandhurt]

You are only responsible for you. It is not your fault he is selfish and chose to sleep with another women while keeping you hanging around. It was your choice though to stay instead of leaving and never looking back.

 

You are not his therapist not should you be. You need to focus only on you and what want any relationship you are in to be like. Romance and charm will NOT repair what has happened! Quit worrying about what he is or isn't doing and start thinking about how you got here and how you intend on getting your heart and mind healthy again. Then and only then will you be ready to decide if you even want this guy around. This is for you and your life. He needs to decide why he thought it was okay to treat you so badly. It matter little that you allowed it to happen, it only matter that he made a choice to hurt you and continue to hurt you over and over again.

 

Please step back and see this for what it really is. He is NOT your life.

 

best wishes

 

lost

[abouttime]

Your relationship could be permanently damaged by this. You did not have and open relationship if you didn't want it. Your relationship was rocky before and now it looks like it is descending back to that. You don't sound happy with him and he is obviously selfish and uncaring. I think you are asking the entirely wrong question. The question I would be asking is "why do I think so little of myself that I feel I don't deserve a better partner then the one I have?" You need to do what is called an "inventory" of your relationship and list just what exactly you are getting out of it. You need to put your emotions on the side while you do this.

[mechie22]

Thank you so much for your input i agree he is acting selfishly and childish by being so stubborn about it. I think it should be a joint effort and i still feel like im putting in most of the work. He says he has been trying but i always make him feel like hes not good enough. I`d like more input and advice if anyone has any to offer.

[abouttime]

Thank you so much for your input i agree he is acting selfishly and childish by being so stubborn about it. I think it should be a joint effort and i still feel like im putting in most of the work. He says he has been trying but i always make him feel like hes not good enough. I`d like more input and advice if anyone has any to offer.

 

That's because he is not good enough. Cut your loses and move one.

[mechie22]

Its so hard to do it , saying your going to is the easy part. I dont understand how and why men can be so cruel especailly when i have proven time and time again to have unconditional love for him.

[Lecturer]

From the advice i received in my last threads it was a very mixed signals and most ppl felt it was my fault which made me so sad, so I decided to work on it with him.

 

Umm, I think that is incorrect. Most people (like me) said that your BF was being selfish and that you should probably dump him. It was NOT your fault.

 

Anyway, the only advice I can give - while trying to be neutral and only interested in making the relationship work - is that you need to BE ABLE to get past the issue. You say you are constantly talking about it (or at least he is complaining you are). Do you feel that the talking is making ANY progress? If it is, then tell him you're making progress and will eventually get over it, but need to talk things out more. If you are not making any progress and are simply not able to get over the issue (which is quite possibly the case, and understandable), then I'm afraid the problem may be insurmountable. Calling it quits would be inevitable in that case.

[mechie22]

I do feel like there is progress being made just baby steps though. There are still things he and i both need to work on about us as a couple. Last night we came to an agreement, that we arent going to bring up the hurt we put eachother thru and just focus on us moving forward for the time being. I think I have put too much focus on wat he did rather than how we need to rebuild which should be the main focus. I also explained to him the only true way i can get passed this is by seeing his actions, and having him gain my trust back.

Sometimes i even find myself looking through his phone still just to see if he has been truthful, which yes i know thats bad but its something i need. I have even been face to face with his co worker on two occasions and have found the strength to be nothing but nice (even though I wanted to kill her). That was the hardest thing I have done so far, i cried after both times but I figure the nicer and sweeter i am to her the less likely she is to be vindictive and most likely going to back off.

I just wonder is there any easy way to talk to a really stubborn person without making them mad?