She really wants to have sex with me--but I don't want to; so why does she think I'm gay?

[Umlunguusa]

I was hanging out with my friend who's a girl, and she told me today--that she had feelings for me. Sexual feelings, because she hadn't gotten laid in a while, as her boyfriend broke up with her two months prior, and she wanted something fun.

 

she is gorgeous, and I'm really attracted to certain types of girls, and she fit that type. I mean, her eyes and skin are amazing.

 

She really wants to have sex with me(and only me; there are enough better looking guys than me who want her, but she insists that she wants me), because she says she's attracted to me alot (I'll admit, I've been flirting with her slightly, but nothing more) and is starting to think of me more as a friend who can "give her what she needs, and she'll return the favor".

 

Now, here's the catch; I told her that, while I find her very attractive, and I have rules I've made stating that I do NOT have casual sex. Not for religious reasons, but for my own personal ethos.

 

She won't take "No" for an answer. she even undressed for me and started doing the grind thingy on me; BUT I SAID NO!!!

 

Now she just wants me more, because she thinks I'm playing "hard to get".

 

But she is now saying I'm gay, and to prove to her I'm not gay, I have to have sex with her, she says.

 

Why does she do this? and why do women always think that every man is weak to sex, or has no personal control over his penis?

 

seriously, it's like women expect never to be turned down for sex or something.

 

Why is this? are all men really that weak minded?

[CaptainPlanet]

It is a bigger deal when a woman gets turned down for sex. I don't know why and it shouldn't be but it just is. That is how women will see the issue.

[Creative]

That's just how woman perceives guys because they need to have order in their mind, so they keep only one simple rule on the back of their mind, which is that guys always just wants sex. I'd say it's probably a good indication to at least 80% of the guys. But when they meet ones who have ethics, they don't believe them.

 

I remember commenting in enotalone about the guy may not want sex even if the poster insisted. She just assumes she can get sex from him whenever she wants, and that it's all up to her to decide and it'll be real. My comment about guy resistance was completely not taken seriously in the thread.

[Umlunguusa]

My comment about guy resistance was completely not taken seriously in the thread.

 

but why is that? I have no problem resisting sex; I actually don't even masturbate for personal reasons (not religious or cleanliness, I just think masturbation deteriorates the quality of good sex).

[Creative]

but why is that? I have no problem resisting sex; I actually don't even masturbate for personal reasons (not religious or cleanliness, I just think masturbation deteriorates the quality of good sex).

 

Well, i couldn't do that.

Hmm.. In this case, I think you're either very young or have below average sex drive.

 

It's hard to think and control yourself when your hormones are bugging you.

[Umlunguusa]

And that is a problem because....

 

 

 

Because we don't. Seems simple enough.

 

 

It's a problem because I have ethos. I set standards for myself, and one of those is "no sex unless you love the girl." That, and the idea of sex without love really turns me off...because then it's just empty sex, with no real meaning...

 

I'm sorry, I was raised differently (as in raising myself, basically) than most guys, and I don't do certain things. period.

[catfeeder]

You're right to be disturbed by this. If your post said you were a woman and a male friend spoke to you this way, people would be all over themselves to encourage you to walk away from the disrespectful treatment--and that's why your whole premise is wrong. Sane people don't behave this way, no matter which sex.

 

I'd resent the attempt at manipulation enough to tell 'friend' that she's completely out of line, and if she wants to keep you as a friend, she needs to back off and pipe down. If she feels the need to believe that you're gay to justify acting like a flake, then I'd tell her she's welcome to believe that--without your company.

 

Don't buy into the line that 'women' think this way--it's a load of bunk. Someone who's messed up enough to throw herself at a man in the first place is off her rocker, and compounding it further with blackmail is off the charts. I'd assume she's an STD carrier. I'd also find a better friend.

 

In your corner.

[civilservant]

Im in your corner here too. I don't know where she gets off think you 'owe' her something. Has she had a long history of boyfriends? I've met people like this, and sadly they tend to believe that putting out makes them a better person. I've got news for you people!

 

You're the one with ethics,which is a fantastic thing. Stick to them, eventually she'll get bored of not getting her rocks off with you and go and find someone else to [play with. Stay strong my friend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Claps hands in approval! Yep..I totally agree. This woman is completely off her rocker and not even friendship material. Someone who is supposed to be your friend wouldn't treat you like this. This kind of behaviour is considered unacceptable if a man did it to a woman and it is equally unacceptable for a woman to do this to a man. I would walk away from this woman and not look back. She is desperate and troubled and getting some sex is not going to make her all better.

[blue69]

I have to agree. Kudos for standing your ground. You simply need to be more assertive in your response to her. Heck, show her your post. See is if it hits her that you are not about to break your own moral values. If you are a friend, you will help her get it. If she is a true friend.... she will.

 

I actually don't think the way a man responds has to do with "weak" minded. It is based on what we hold true for our own values. Some (a lot) of us aren't as into sex=love. You believe that (love=sex) is an absolute. You want to be in love and that is absolutely cool. However, I don't think you need to (even unintentionallY) bash those who don't feel the same as you. Your question about "all men really that weak minded". I am not weak minded if because of my established value I would give in to a sexual encounter. Why is it assumed that a different value equals a degree of intelligence?

 

I also believe that nobody should slam your values and your committment to them. You are, however, neither more intelligent or less because of those values.

[Pressfit]

She sounds controlling and perhaps a bit manipulative with a form of subtle blackmail as this. Probably not relationship material considering this tactic. I've seen it before.

Maybe she's been socialized into the Golden Vagina club. Pissed for refusing her sexually since she likely KNOWS she is hot, it would'nt surprise me if she would spread this around that you must be gay. Knowing me, I'd probably still drive her down into the matress anyway just for good measure, then run! LOL

[alli]

She sounds controlling and perhaps a bit manipulative with a form of subtle blackmail as this.

 

I agree; I think the gay thought just popped into her head & she is using it as a way to make you feel you need to prove your attraction to females by sleeping with her. Good job standing your ground.

[annie24]

It's a problem because I have ethos. I set standards for myself, and one of those is "no sex unless you love the girl." That, and the idea of sex without love really turns me off...because then it's just empty sex, with no real meaning...

 

I'm sorry, I was raised differently (as in raising myself, basically) than most guys, and I don't do certain things. period.

 

i would tell her this point blank.

 

as women, we're taught (incorrectly) that all men want sex at the drop of a hat, no matter how tall, short, ugly the woman is - if she offers, and gets turned down, she's insulted! (i've been there too, where i was rejected by guys i made overtures on). oh well, i got over it, so will your friend.

[auburnslp]

All good reponses above...but here's another thought.

 

This girl likes you. If she didn't, then she would just go get what she wants elsewhere. It actually speaks pretty well of her that she is not running around and sleeping with a bunch of guys, now that she is single.

 

She does clearly believe that she can get you to sleep with her, if she is persistent. She is not used to being turned down-most girls aren't, so she sees this whole situation as a challenge.

 

That being said-really, it seems a bit gender-biased to be slamming her for this. How many guys do exactly what this girl is doing, all the time???

 

So,...to me at least, here's the facts. She wants you. You find her to be gorgeous, and you started as friends. She is showing good character by not just going out and sleeping with other guys-she is waiting for you. Could she have handled this better? Sure, but again, she is no different from many guys out there-and those guys, well their persistence is not frowned upon at all...so why should you frown on hers?

 

I would suggest just asking her out, on a real date. You seem to like her. Why not start dating? Let her know that you like to go slow, and maybe she will take the cue and slow down herself. I have a feeling she might, because if you ask her out, she will see that you are interested as well, and that might lead to her being more patient with you...

 

Just my opinions-good luck! And Happy Holidays!

[heaven66]

I will tell you this...it will not be easy to get rid of her..my guy did this to me for a while..ofcourse for other reasons mentioned on my other posts..and i got more enfatuated with him..i was like..damn are you gay? and he would laugh and had so much control...i mean i would tease him and he would get very hard but MF had control..and he asked me the same question..are guys out there so weak minded that you women theink there are men that don't have control? and Im like i never had a guy turn me down for sex...so that made me want hhim even more...we want what we can't have...at least im that way...

[blue69]

Then you can't have me.

[JadedStar]

This is a woman whose ego is bigger than her feelings for another human being. She is insulting your manhood in an attempt to feel better about being rejected. After you said no, and she continues to unbuckle you....I don't find this any better coming from a woman than if she were the guy in this episode. She needs to udnerstand NO means NO.

 

She sounds like a very revolting human being. Are you sure she is worthy of your friendship? She is insulting you and disresepcting you. Not two very good qualities in a friend.

[JadedStar]

Which is why i stated it is EQUALLY revolting for her, even tho she is a woman. I see this on a different view auburn...a man who does that is disgusting and yes they get slammed for not respecing no means no. I do not think the mainstream society looks very respectfully at a man who is told no to sex and he proceeds to unbuckle his friends pants anyway. If you think this is an excusable act, i am very surprised, because your posts are usually way more pragmatic than that. The whole 'no means no' thing should apply equally to men AND women.

 

I find nothing respectful about her actions. I find that downplaying it since she is a woman is an insult to both genders to be honest.

 

I would not retain a friend who was this ego driven and disrespectful. Just my take on it.

[lady00]

I'll bet she has turned you off too by her odd behavior. Yikes. People need to be able to take no for an answer. She doesn't sound like she knows how to be your friend.

[Shudder]

tell her to go masturbate or find someone else. if she doesnt like it then tough on her and if you guys don't talk much after than, then you weren't really friends to begin with.

[auburnslp]

geez...struck a nerve with that one...and I agree that no means no...but sorry, that little incident is a little different regarding the genders...as men, we are bigger and stronger (typically), and we are capable in that situation of physically stopping those actions, (if we really wanted to-which begs the question), WITHOUT hurting the female at all...

 

And actually I wasn't really speaking of her "forcing herself" on this guy-I was speaking of her persistence...big difference there...

 

If that was to happen to a woman, there is the implied capability that the man very well may be able to physically force himself on her-very scary, I would imagine. But like I said, usually there is not a capability for the female to physically force herself on the male...if he allowed it to get that far, that was at least subconsciously, a choice. And in that, allowing her to go that far only encouraged her to continue.

 

How's that for pragmatic?

[auburnslp]

I agree that when he said no, she should have quit. That's what I meant when I wrote that she could have handled this better...but again, to be clear, I was speaking of the whole thing-her not giving up, her trying to convince him to sleep with her, and I was not talking about that one specific incident.

[JadedStar]

I was not slamming your post, just shocked a little as it wasn't of the type you normally write is all....and it seemed that maybe she was getting a free hall pass simply for being female. Females want equality and i think in cases where they are not taking no for an answer (and in this case worse, possibly spreading rumors about his sexuality out of her tantrum) they very much should be subject to that same equality.

 

In the case of someone forcing themselves on someone saying no, i dont think it is just about who can overpower who. She might not be overpowering to him physically, but no doubt her trying to take advantage and force herself is upsetting him, thus his post. thereforee, for women, NO should also mean NO.

[catfeeder]

Just because a person can't pull off physical assault to get sex, that doesn't mean resorting to psychological bullying isn't as mean and wrong. I'm surprised that you'd encourage him to overlook this and continue dealing with her, muchless to consider her as relationship material. There's nothing pragmatic about that.

 

Not trying to be argumentative; I usually either agree with you or remain open to a different POV when it comes from you. While I just can't go there with you in this case, I appreciate you hearing those of us who strongly disagree about how to handle such an abusive and persistent demo of disrespect.

 

My best,

Cat.

[Lucy__lou]

Ok here's some thoughts to consider on this situation.

 

1). Being attracted to someone (to the point that your brain is flooded with hormones) can lead to temporarily insanity. It doesn't excuse bad behaviour, and we should all take responsibility for our words and actions, but I know from my experience, that when I've been hot for someone, I've acted stupidly too. When you're not feeling the same, it's easy to view another person's behaviour from the assumption that they're thinking straight, but the reality is you don't have the same lust induced psychological impediment that she has right now, because you don't feel the same. I know you said she's beautiful, but you didn't say you have strong desires for her, so it sounds like it's not simply a matter of self control, but of simply not being interested to begin with. You can find someone hot but still not be hot for them, and it sounds like that might be the case with you.

 

2). She's possibly just ignorant that there are men who won't jump in the sack with her at the drop of the hat, and if that's all she's known, then it's kind of understandable that she might have this world view. Fair enough for you to be insulted by her making that assumption with you, but she has to learn some time, and if she really wants you, then I can see why she would be resistant to learning that truth right now. You just have to be firm, and it sounds like you have been. She'll get it eventually, even if she seems not to be getting it straight away.

 

So my advice... try not to get upset. This is her problem, that she can't have you, not yours. Some men would possibly let this one roll off their back, but it sounds like you take things more to heart, and as a personal attack on your character. She sounds a bit young and dumb and like she doesn't really respect you, but then if you've been flirting with her, perhaps your rejection caught her off guard. I don't know how good friends you two have been up until this point, but I'd suggest you take a breather. And when you do see each other again, just stand your ground as you have, and let her know that she's behaving badly if she continues on with this denial, and saying you're Gay. If you're confident in your ability to stand your ground, and know that you have every right to, then it shouldn't upset you so much when she behaves badly. Once she demonstrates that she gets the "hint" and backs off and starts respecting you again, then you can decide if you want to lower the wall and be friends again.