Third Time's the Charm

[hitdog]

So, in October I tried and failed. I got held in the hospital long enough to lose my resolve but not my desire. I tired to walk the path to "recuperation" but a month later I set a new date to cast off. I told myself, that if I could find just one reason, one thing to hold onto I'd not do it, but nothing has happened. Nothing positive anyways. My life has progressively got worst. So, December 30th is the next leaving date and I've got nothing. Best of all, this time, I'll be totally alone so I won't have the problem of being found before I'm totally gone. My one regret is that my mother is going to end up being the one who finds me. I really didn't want it to be her. The last time I tried to make so my brother would find me and take care of things before my mother got home but he found me a little too early. *sigh Well, life you've got 6 more days to prove to me you're worth it. Will it be a Christmas miracle, not likely. I'm going to be totally alone then and pretty much everyday until the end. Sounds appropriate.

[dreamwarrior]

Please tell me why you feel this way...I really want to know and help if I can.

[funkymonkey3]

What if you held on just a little bit longer and things did get better? What if all the bull * * * * you are going through right now is setting the stage for a much brighter future? You'll never know if you check out now. I know things can seem hopeless. I've been there. Life can be cruel sometimes but other times it can be amazing. Don't give up.

[DropToZero]

You're not alone, I don't care what it may seem like, or how many times you've felt it... you've obviously got a brother that didn't want you to die, and a mother...so...you're being quite selfish in saying you're alone.

 

You should probably get rid of the pills, or you will be on them for life, and you should find a way to deal with this in the real world...such as BELIEVING in something and telling yourself it OVER AND OVER AND OVER until you can't stand hearing it, because a major cause for the reason you feel this way is that you believe in nothing other than death will bring you peace.... and it's very wrong.

 

I would suggest you try to find a church, a pastor, and talk with someone... I cannot force you, but since you think this answer being death is your best one, I'd say you try every last thing you can to realize that this one life is the ONLY ONE you're going to have, and throwing it away and giving in is the easiest way out... and if you get the chance, you WILL regret it... much more than you'll regret seeing how your family will feel after you die.

 

If you drown yourself in nothing but darkness, then you will surely drown.

[hitdog]

Please tell me why you feel this way...I really want to know and help if I can.

 

I wish you could but the truth is you can't. All the things I want are things you can't ask for, they have to be freely given.

[hitdog]

What if you held on just a little bit longer and things did get better? What if all the bull * * * * you are going through right now is setting the stage for a much brighter future? You'll never know if you check out now. I know things can seem hopeless. I've been there. Life can be cruel sometimes but other times it can be amazing. Don't give up.

 

The flaw in that is, how long is someone supposed to hold on? I've lived 25 years already and this is where it's brought me to. Is living an entire life miserable better than ending it short? How much time does one need before making such a decision, and what does one say to someone who does live their whole life hoping but in the they die without ever escaping the dark? "Better luck next time." "Too bad about your crappy life but at least it's over now."

[hitdog]

Well, in regards to being alone. I am alone. My brother not wanting me to die doesn't mean he cares about me, it means he's a human being who doesn't want to see another human being die. That just makes him not Evil. He and I have no real brotherly bond. And as much as I love my mother, she placed me in a low priority bracket a long time ago. I'm more of an obligation than a son.

 

It's also a lot easier to tell someone to believe in something than for them to actually do it. Do you think I don't want to believe in something?

 

And, I don't think anyone chooses to drown in darkness. It's just something that comes and before you know it, it's over your head. You struggle to rise up. You fight but sometimes there is just too much and you sink. I'm sunk and I'm too tired to try to get out now. I was hoping to see a line to climb up but that doesn't seem to be coming. Like I said, if I can find something, anything to grab hold of I would. That just doesn't seem to be the case.

[sarey]

ha, you see those terrorist attacks? They're human. They kill others. you see murderers, rapists, destroying the lives of others, they're human. Your brother cares. You're fortuned to have someone that does care, Some people don't. Are you willing to throw him away?

 

You posted here for help. For advice. For support. If you wanted to really kill yourself, you'd have done it, instead you post here. That's good. That's the first step to helping yourself. Can you go to your doctor and talk to them about this? You may be suffering from a mental health illness.

 

I have been where you are. I've tried to kill myself more than 30 times. I've truthfully lost count. I am in a better light now. There is hope. I feel less suicidal, sometimes still very, very low, however, I've learned lessons, I'm no longer a high risk to myself with regards to killing myself.

 

You can get better from this.

 

25 years? You've barely lived life. You're a young adult. Potential striking corners. You just gotta grab whatever opportunity you can get. This world, I sometimes think, is another worlds Hell. But life is never easy. Life is full of obstacles. Why? Nobody knows. Why do we live, how did we get here, what is the meaning of life, what happens after? Nobody knows.

 

Live life to the full. You may regret it one day if you don't.

[DropToZero]

See I've been in this type of stage too, where all I see, is you finding a reason to combat what I have to suggest. As long as you're like that, and don't keep pushing to try and believe something, and try HARDER to make it better, by finding help other than pills... it will not change, and there's nothing anyone here can do or say to change your mind.

[hitdog]

I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I'd like someone to talk to. If you have AIM could you PM me your screen name?

[amipushy]

The person you should talk to is your mother. I as a mother myself cannot imagine how a son could leave this world without telling me what is wrong. I would forever suffer guilt and grief at his loss. I might even die of a broken heart such would be my pain. In fact it makes me cry just thinking of him dying alone when all he had to do was reach out and I would have been there holding him in my arms and never let him feel so alone ever again.

 

Don't do that to someone who loves you so much.

[beautifulview]

I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I'd like someone to talk to. If you have AIM could you PM me your screen name?

 

I would love to talk to you, and I have been where you are now. Do you have MSN messenger?

[hitdog]

Well, I'm one day away, again. I thought it would be less frightening since I last tried so recently. No such luck. I don't know what could happen that will change my mind but I am hoping something will. As of now, I'm resolved to do this. I can't keep living this way anymore. I wrote my letter this morning. It's not that long, given that I already wrote one a few months ago. No need to rehash. I just hope that I'm right, in what I believe death to be. It would definitely suck if there is some sort of afterlife or reincarnation to deal with. I just want an end.

[hitdog]

*sigh Well, today's the day. I'm straightening things out around the house and making sure everything I want given away is out in the open. I know I wasn't the most active member here so none of you actually know me, but I feel I was a good person. I committed my life to altruism for a long time. I tried my best and worked hard. If I regret anything it's that I leave not having felt the warmth of a loving embrace in about 2 months. I really did hope that something, anything would happen and give me something to hold onto, but since I last tried to kill myself in October life has only gotten worst. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could deal with it, but I can't. It's gotten to be too much. Even sleep isn't escape anymore because all I have are nightmares. I hate being alive. I hate waking up. I hate going to sleep. This isn't the way it should be and if it is then I don't want it. I tried to listen to what other people on here had to say. I read other threads and replied to others but in the end I don't feel I have anything substantial to stand on. So, I guess this is it. I'm going to spend an hour or so finishing up around the house. I'm going to play with my cat and then I'm letting go. My mother will probably find me around midnight so I don't have to worry about being found early like last time. Thank you for trying. I'm scared but I'm ready. Goodbye.

[sarey]

You're prepared to put your mother through that? And your cat?

 

You're scared > that shows you don't 100% want to do this.

 

Come on, keep talking to us, it doesn't have to end this way, you're 25, don't do this to yourself, go to the doctor and get things sorted, talk to someone, we as a forum can only do so much here...