he broke up with me & now he wants to come back...

[curiously]

i am feeling very scared & confused. there is a man i am completely in love with - and 2 weeks ago he broke up with me - citing the "i need to find myself" escape clause. -

 

a little background - we were both in 10 year relationships previously - i was single 2 years before i met him - but i am his first serious gf post the long relationship. so i feel if he needed/wanted to explore - it is reasonable & healthy... since he has not had the dating experience to understand our relationship contextually.

 

we have been together 1 year. - he came back to me - saying he prefers to follow his heart rather than his head in this instance... & that he wants to reconcile. - I am excited because i love him absolutely & eventually want to be married (as he says he does too)- but i am deeply concerned that this "need to find himself" will resurface & that i will be standing here alone all over again distraught after re-investing myself in him - or that i will be left to constantly endure a wandering mind, and wandering eyes... of wondering if the grass is greener.

 

i dont know if i should give him a chance & understand / believe him when he says he cant live without me & would be the luckiest man in the world to spend the rest of his life with me... -

 

or if I should be wary - that his thoughts of needing to date other people should be addressed now. & perhaps risk losing him all over again because im pushing him away...

 

](*,)

[Sn0man]

It seems the short time apart did him a lot of good. Sometimes (not always), a break is exactly what people need to see the big picture.

[High5girl]

Do you think he really found himself during the break up? I mean, it was only 2 weeks ago right?

I can't say whether or not 2 weeks was long enough for him to find himself, but most ppl can't do it in that amount of time.

I think it all depends on the reason he came back. Didn't want to be alone or maybe he realized he honestly wanted to be with you.

 

yes, there's a chance this could resurface again.

Only you can decide whether or not it's worth taking another chance.

[curiously]

yeah... i think it is worth a chance... and at the same time - i dont think he has found himself yet... in fact i know he hasnt - i think he is making this conscious decision to work things out... because he loves me... but i think he gets muddled and pulled in other directions / distracted or has curiosity about dating other people... and i have this feeling like i cant jump back in with two feet if im constantly concerned with him not having had a chance to "find himself"

 

he said to me today that it has taken him 30 yrs to find me & that he doesnt want to waste the next 30 years only to figure out that he should have built a life with me while he had the chance...

 

the thing is - i dont want to be the consolation prize - but i dont want to lose him either... im so excited to have him near me & i love him so very deeply, but i dont want him to be giving me false hope about us or toying with my heart (even if its unintentional) if he still feels the same conflict inside his head - but is relying on his heart to guide him back to me.

 

i feel very vulnerable.

[curiously]

being that you are a guy - talking about - mmmmmmmmmmmm setting someone on fire... and you are roughly our age too... im wondering... about a lil more feedback

[redhearts]

Needs to find himself in someone elses arms for a few weeks then got back with you? or he just needed to find himself and somehow thinks he can now do it with you?

[Sn0man]

I think everybody gets confused at times. When a relationship starts to get serious, many people feel the need to take a step back and look at things - it's a little irrational I think, but it happens a lot. But on the other hand, it is a great chance to get some clarity.

 

If he's taken his step back and come to realize that it's you that he wants, all the way, then why not? By what you've written it sounds like he knows exactly what he wants now - that whole clarity thing...

 

Everyone second guesses themselves at times.

[curiously]

i think his original intentions were to find himself in someone else's arms... but he hasn't followed through & is now suddenly changing his mind... problem is im deathly afraid of putting all my eggs back in this basket. ive never been broken up with before & ive never gotten back together with anyone either... so im feeling like im in uncharted waters as far as the body of my life's experiences are concerned.

 

the nagging thought is that while he is talking to me about trying to build a life together & reset the course towards(gulp) marraige... im wondering if he is basically a timebomb waiting to go off - since he hasnt had the experience of dating outside of myself & his ex...

 

that maybe the curiosity will cause undue strain if left unresolved... i want him to be very aware of what he has - & estatic about it... not like he's experiencing loss & sacrifice because he is too scared to figure it out & lose me in the process...

[love4life]

The "need to date other people" is an excuse used by people who are unable to be content with what they have. I don't believe that he just "needs to date" other women to know what he wants. In our heart of our hearts, we know what we want, which is basically unconditional love from another person. Trust me - I got that line in a break-up before, too, and I just don't buy it.

 

I don't doubt that he loves you, but if I were you, I'd be wary about thinking that his coming back means he'll be with you forever. 2 weeks is not enough time for anyone to "find themselves" after a break-up - it only sounds like he's afraid to let go of you, but still has the urge to see what else is out there. That combination - which represents an inability to make a decision - will only get you hurt and frustrated in the long run.

 

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do