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how do I accept, forgive, and forget, for good?


nowonder

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Hey there everybody, during these last few weeks I've been really reflecting about what's been working for me in my life and what hasn't. The harsh truth is that most of the stuff in my life hasn't been working. I've found a start to trying to improve though, I've finally been honest enough with myself to admit that my ways aren't always the best for myself.

 

 

I am here to ask if anybody has found a way to accept situations for what they are, forgive if they have to, and then forget about things that they are stressed about for good. I find that I may get over things, but many times they will come back to haunt me or they will remain in the background, in the back of my mind and everytime I think about them, I start stressing again.

 

 

If anybody has any words of wisdom that may help me to see things in a different way, it'll be much appreciated. I find that I am dwelling on things that I can't change but I can't seem to accept things for what they are and move on. It's almost like I am trying to change the past for myself and a friend or girlfriend or anybody that I'm with or really care about.

 

Sometimes I dwell on my regrets, and sometimes I find that I am dwelling on things about other people's past that, for some reason, I regret hearing about. Why is it so hard for my to accept the past of other people in my life? Why is it so hard for my to let go of things in my past? I can't seem to let go of memories and happier times either, I always look back at them during bad times and wish that things are the way they were.

 

Any help would be great, thanks and I hope to hear from as many people as possible, thanks again, bye.

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First off, congrats on doing a marvelous job of defining your problem. You'd be surprised how many people would rather bury their discomforts in shopping or food or booze instead of going there. But we can't change what we won't see, so good for you.

 

One prop I've used temporarily to get past 'the past' is pretty narcissistic, but I've convinced myself how much stronger and better I am for 'forgiving' it. At the very least, this has stopped me from continually picking things apart and feeling powerless about them, because the choice to let-go-and-let-karma take care of someone else's wrongdoings (or, should I dare admit, even my own) is a big relief.

 

Problem is, this has kept me in some situations that I look back and realize I should have walked away from a lot sooner. Putting 'forgiveness' bandages over wounds that have little to do with the bigger picture wasted more of my time--and caused me more regrets later. Sometimes past behaviors are plain indicators of a person's value system or their intelligence or their level of compassion, and free-riding with excuses based on bad childhoods or whatever don't serve them to ever grow beyond those places.

 

So without knowing particulars, I'd put your skill of examination toward making choices about where you want your own life to go from this point forward. The best way to 'forgive' your own past is to avoid same mistakes in the future. If someone else in your life fails that same examination, then you can still 'forgive' them even as you move your life in another direction. Some people are best loved from far away.

 

In your corner.

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We can't move on from situations until we've expressed the emotions around them - for example, grieving is very important if we're to get over a bereavement and trust again. However, there's a difference between realising at a very deep level that we can never have those times/that girlfriend/that possession again, and mourning our loss; and longing for something which can't possibly happen. The latter keeps us stuck, the former lets us go forward into the future. Stressing keeps us stuck, too, and that can be about anger that we've 'stuffed' and not expressed. There are techniques for releasing buried anger without it causing problems in the present.

 

When it comes to having regrets for other people, that's usually because it chimes in with something from our own past, and it's actually telling us something about our own pain and our own history.

 

Finally, you can't change the past - but you can change the way you look at it. For example, what did you learn during the bad times? What would you do differently now? How would you be able to spot a problem before it ever happened, based on your past experience?

 

Without specific examples, I can't give specific advice, but I hope this helps a bit!

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I find that I may get over things, but many times they will come back to haunt me or they will remain in the background, in the back of my mind and everytime I think about them, I start stressing again.

 

You stress because you are thinking only of that moment... remember how you moved on/how you dealt with the issues/how you came out of it. Actually tell yourself (out loud, in your head) that it is in the past, and that you have moved on.

 

I like to use affirmations to change my thinking, esp. ones that are short, and to the point. When I wake up in the morning, or if I'm having a stressful moment, I just think of one of these affirmations in my head. An affirmation can be any kind of quote or statement that makes you feel empowered. To write your own, start with "I am..." then fill in the rest with something positive. "I am going to look forward and not backward today." "I deserve the best." "I will strive to always do my best in everything." They're usually really simple, but they've helped me.

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The past plagues us all in life and we wonder "What if" with everything in our life. That we are stuck in our situation in life because we made a bad decision or was in the wrong place in the wrong time.

 

Personal trauma is the hardest to deal with and you never truly want to forgive someone that has harmed you in life whether it was a lover scorned, betrayal, abuse, or some other wrong that has been perpetrated against you. Forgive and forget is what people say in such times, but there are times when the person does not deserve forgiveness and we shall never forget what they did to us.

 

Acceptance of what happened to you and to realize that you don't need to forgive what happened to you, but you do need to accept it as part of your reality and start dealing with your life. Seeking professional help in terms of a counselor is always a good way to talk to someone about your issues in a secure and confidential environment.

 

Work towards correcting the mistakes you have made, for instance if you regret not finishing school then pursue that dream one step at a time. If you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of or hurt then take steps to make sure that you will be able to protect yourself in the future. (self-defense course) Empower yourself to be a better person who can learn from their mistakes and act better in the future.

 

You can never change the past only the Future

 

-Slim

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