Sick of the yelling...part 2

[elizmdavis]

If you are unfamiliar with my situation, read "Sick of the Yelling" in the "relationship conflicts" forum.

 

That very night he wanted to talk about things...I was too upset still and just full of feelings that were far from wanting to resolve anything with him. We tried...but it was a no go. He gave me an ultimatum "either we resolve this now or never...I don't wanna do it tomorrow" I said "if you want honesty from me...it will have to wait until I am in a state of mind that I can make rational descisons".

 

Yesterday he calls and I say "I am still not ready to talk today...I really just need time." He was actually OK with it, much to my surprise. I must say it was been very peaceful just being by myself the passed two days. I've had more time to concentrate on xmas shopping and of course, myself.

 

Today...I am still not ready to talk to him. But with the holidays starting tomorrow...I know I should. I want him to know that I just want time with myself and my family right now. My "low point" that I hit the other day (screaming at him and shoving him out the door) helped me realize that I am at my wits end emotionally. I can only handle so much right now. I am going thorugh sooooo much emotional turmoil with my father and my bf's needs seems to just be draining me right now. His anger too. I am being vague about my personal issues...but just know I've got some unresolved stuff that I know could be affecting my outlook on love. It's stuff I think I need to deal with on my own, over time. I know my bf loves me and would help me through it all...but I don't want him to.

 

What do you all think? I have plans with his family xmas morn. I didn't bargain for this to happen, but it did...I cannot help how I feel right now. Maybe it is a blessing that it happened at a time when I will be surrounded by family.

[Raistlin]

I'm going to have to agree with your last statement "Maybe it is a blessing that it happened at a time when I will be surrounded by family".

 

I've read some of your posts over, and it seems that you and this guy just aren't right for each other, yet you're reluctant to let go because you're afraid that no one will like you again.

 

The only thing I can say to that is that people may not like you if YOU don't like you.

 

You've mentioned that you have some heavy emotional issues to take care of before you'd be ready to accept love for what it is. I am in the same boat emotionally, and I firmly believe that sometimes, it's best to just be alone for a little while to figure certain things out. I'm turning to my friends for strength in my moments of weakness, because when I felt this same exact way while in a relationship, my ex never did anything to make me feel better... unless you count picking fights with me over my insecurities.

 

It may be best to move on from this guy, figure yourself out, and then date someone else when the time is right. I thought I'd be with my ex forever and still miss what we had sometimes... but then I remember the rest and turn away from those feelings.

[nutbrownhare]

Good luck with this, but my guess is that you need some time alone to work out your issues around your father - without the added grief of your here-and-now boyfriend pulling off your emotional scabs. Your issues with your father are probably the reason you're in this relationship in the first place, and until these are resolved, you're likely to find yourself involved with men who remind you of him in some way, i.e. abusive.

 

I have no doubt that your boyfriend loves you in his own way. He is also about the last person on the planet who's likely to be any use to you while you heal from old traumas, no matter how well intentioned.

 

A feature of this kind of relationship is that when the abuser really thinks they're going to lose the victim, that they've pushed too far, they will often do everything they can to win the other person back. THIS IS SO THAT THEY DON'T LOSE CONTROL OF THE VICTIM. Once they feel secure in the attachment, the old cycle starts up again. I am not suggesting for a moment that this is a part of a deliberate policy, and they often don't realise their impact on the other person. There were a couple of times with my ex when, after a day of being sniped at and shouted at, I would just dissolve in tears. Then he'd be really, really sweet. And concerned. And would want to help me through it. This only happened a couple of times before I shipped out.

 

If you don't feel up to seeing your fella right now - say so. You aren't obliged to give a reason. Likewise, spending time with his family; it can be done in a polite, pleasant way without giving any personal details.

 

You owe him nothing. You do owe it to yourself to look after your own emotional well-being, and it's great that you'll have support around you.

[elizmdavis]

Thank you to you both for your responses.

 

My biggest issue is how to spend xmas with his family without there being tension. I will talk with him...but maybe it is best after xmas. Knowing him, he'll say, "Why wait?! If you don't want to be with me then just go!!" He called me today and asked me, "So are we spending Christmas together or not?" I said, "I will be with my family for Christmas Eve...I'll see you Christmas morning." He was like, "oooook" all sarcastically. Originally I was supposed to spend Christmas eve and morning with his family...then xmas dinner with mine.

 

Is it appropriate to spend xmas with him eventhough I will be telling him that I need to take time for myself?

 

It is really hard to think of him as an abuser. His anger comes out during communication only...he never hurts me in front of friends or family, never raises his hand to me, never calls me names, he is there for me when I ask him to be...but the yelling and the brattiness that comes from him seems to overshadow everything else. I know this yelling is an abusive trait though...that could get magnified with marriage.

[elizmdavis]

 

The only thing I can say to that is that people may not like you if YOU don't like you.

 

It may be best to move on from this guy, figure yourself out, and then date someone else when the time is right. I thought I'd be with my ex forever and still miss what we had sometimes... but then I remember the rest and turn away from those feelings.

 

You are right. I like to think that I am secure about myself...but yunno...I am not completely so. I know we all have our insecurities, but I'd rather feel good about myself in areas that REALLY matter - not just my body features, personality, and interests. I'd also like to think that I don't have "daddy issues" either....but eventhough he hasn't been the biggest part of my life the passed 7 years, I still am inadvertently affected by his past and latest actions. Plus, I just really miss my family. Eventhough we are still strongly bonded...I've really put them aside for this relationship. I know I can feel more secure about myself by spending more time with them. Part of my identity lies in them and not my SO.

[Raistlin]

You are right. I like to think that I am secure about myself...but yunno...I am not completely so. I know we all have our insecurities, but I'd rather feel good about myself in areas that REALLY matter - not just my body features, personality, and interests. I'd also like to think that I don't have "daddy issues" either....but eventhough he hasn't been the biggest part of my life the passed 7 years, I still am inadvertently affected by his past and latest actions. Plus, I just really miss my family. Eventhough we are still strongly bonded...I've really put them aside for this relationship. I know I can feel more secure about myself by spending more time with them. Part of my identity lies in them and not my SO.

 

This is absolutely correct. It is going to feel like losing a part of yourself if you split up with him again, but the thing to remember is that your family will always be there for you and SO's will come and go, unfortunately. I'd like to believe that one person will always be by my side, no matter what, but it's getting harder and harder to believe this every day.

 

I know that the person that I choose to spend my life with will not play mind games, yell at me for no reason, or pick fights over nothing. My SO will be calm and level headed as I struggle with my insecurities, and support me in my times of need, just as I will with her.

 

Relationships should not be about who has the upper hand or who can be the loudest/most dominating. They should be about togetherness and compromise. It seems that you're not getting either aspect from this guy. I think it's time to let go of "us" and re-define "me".

[nutbrownhare]

Good luck with all this - my main piece of advice to you is to stop thinking about what's appropriate, and pay attention to your feelings. If you WANT to spend Christmas with him and it feels OK, then go for it. If not, don't.

 

It's an interesting one, regarding your partner as an abuser; there's lots of online stuff about emotional abuse, and I checked all this out (regarding my ex-partner) before thinking 'Yes, this IS abusive'. Kind of wondering if I was entitled not to like being yelled at, manipulated etc etc.

 

To me, the fact that this thread is entitled 'Sick of all the yelling ...' says clearly that it is an abusive relationship you're in. Your perspective may change when you spend time around other people, and having a nice time with your family may affect the way you see him.

 

At any rate, if you do need to walk - you'll know! I believe very strongly that we need to learn the lesson the relationship is trying to teach us before ending it - or we'll just repeat the same thing in the next one!

 

Good luck!

[elizmdavis]

I believe very strongly that we need to learn the lesson the relationship is trying to teach us before ending it - or we'll just repeat the same thing in the next one!

 

Good luck!

 

Wow, this is most helpful. I appreciate how you are NOT being forceful by saying, "just go...leave...run...hurry!!"

 

Even in just these 2 days I've had by myself, I've felt more peaceful. We even had a normal talk on the phone tonight about our plans. I will definitley be with my family tomorrow and xmas morning. Then xmas day I will be joining him with his family for brunch and presents. It feels right to go about it like this....and your post helped me feel like this is OK right now. Thank you.

 

He was very understanding when I commented about how nice it felt to just be with myself. I thought he'd be upset because he was excluded from all of it. But he was just very agreeable and happy for me. Makes me feel like when I tell him about needing space to rekindle my self and I, that he will understand and let me do my thing.

 

My ultimate goal with this space is to gain the strengths I will need to work through any situation which could potentially damage me. My insecurities and my pattern for dating manipulators/yellers need be ended. I was thinking of getting guidance counseling I have a lot of hurt because of my dad...a lot more than I thought. I never realized how much it is affecting me until lately. If I truly want to be happy, especially in a relationship, getting the tools necessary to strengthen myself will be VERY beneficial. These tools may lead me away from my SO...they may not. His support would be great, I'd like to think he is pulling for me. It seemed like he was today when he was agreeable with my space. But I need him to let me do it alone...no contact.