I'm sure you've heard this 1 before-PORN.

[EmptySoul]

Okay.

 

So I've got the best guy ever. He's even my best friend. He's great. Live together, got 2 dogs, been together over a year, known each other 2.

 

He works nights and I work days, so he's home a lot during the day while I'm at work. Home a lot looking at porn. Thanks to his cousin reccommending porn sites now that we have the internet...

 

I've tried to tell mysef, masturbation is a natural thing. It is not a big deal. As long as our sex life does not change or it does not get out of control. But every time I get on the computer and type in things and all these disgusting porn names pop up, asian chick gets double penetration, milf gets filled up with huge...hot chick gets fu....And i see the site name in the list of went to sites, I immediately get sad and pissed as much as I try not to. I just think about my boyfriend sitting here watching other naked girls, t_ts bouncing around, getting screwed, and jacking off and I feel jealous and disgusted.

 

He is the only guy I've had a serious relationship with since I was a lot younger. Well the only one that is a good enough guy that THIS is what I'm not liking. Most guys you have to worry about cheating on you or lying to you, and I'm griping about porn? He doesn't even lie to me about it or anything..

 

I feel like when he's masturbated during the day, if we have sex that night, it is a lot harder for him to orgasm. He has to go a lot longer and I end up sore and feeling bad that it's taking him so long. But I don't know for sure if these are days he masturbates, I'm just assuming..

 

I know this is long, I'm venting a lot, because this is the only, only thing even close to a problem we have or have ever had. And it's only a problem to me.

 

I keep thinking if I get a vibrator and can actually enjoy masturbation and enjoy watching porn without him then I will get over this jealousy. (I can't orgasm from trying to masturbate by myself, not even close.) But I'm not sure..

 

comments appreciated.

 

e.

[Pink Wings]

I have the same feelings you do. I know that masturbation is completely normal (I do it myself), but I feel self conscious when I see porn. Like these girls turn him on more than thoughts of me doing things to him. I still struggle with it, but we have compromised and he only looks at it when we will not be together for a few days and needs the release.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you talked with him about this? How did that go?

[Siriana]

I feel like when he's masturbated during the day, if we have sex that night, it is a lot harder for him to orgasm. He has to go a lot longer and I end up sore and feeling bad that it's taking him so long. But I don't know for sure if these are days he masturbates, I'm just assuming..

 

 

well tell him that.

in a nice non-accusatory way.

 

Oh and ask him to be nice enough to delete his history after surfing.

He could do that as a sign of respect.

They mostly all look at porn but if it's asian chick gets double penetration, milf gets filled up with huge...hot chick gets f kind it would be polite of him to delete any track of it when logging off.

[EQD]

someone put it to me this way....

at least he isnt on cocaine, blowing all his money and being wasted all the time doing something illegal.

 

now if he has an addiction where it does harm any aspect of the way he treats you or functions in society.. then by all means complain about it and tell him to stop or leave him if he cant change. But if its just because you get jealous or disgusted.. well try to think of it as 'it could always be worse... a whole lot worse'

 

he could be beating you, could be taking pictures of little kids.. killing animals for fun, poisoning your cat.. i mean the list goes on. But watching porn is pretty harmless.

 

teach him how to delete his cookies and internet history.. theres another idea..

or you can just accept it.

[Sky-Cherries]

If it makes you feel like this, why are you putting up with it?

 

Ask him to stop, explain your reasons why, and if he's not willing to make one small sacrifice to make his partner feel loved and appreciated, why, he's not worth the three seconds it takes to dump his a**.

[melrich]

well try to think of it as 'it could always be worse... a whole lot worse'

 

That really isn't a good way to look at relationship issues IMHO. Of course, anything could be "worse". That is not a good mentality.

[EQD]

.. it could be like if he didnt like it when you ate a corndog...

he understands your need for the corndog, your love of the corndog.. but the thought of you eating a corndog, much less doing it in front of him disgusts him... so he asks you to stop eating the corndog. no corndogs for you. ever.

corndogs make him uncomfy.

then you have to stop and reflect.. maybe a corndog eater is what i am, maybe i dont really see the harm in eating the corndog.. i like it and i dont see why i have to change it.. so then you start hiding little corndogs all over the house, in mortal fear that your corndogs will be discovered one day and you will be burned at the emotional stake like the corndog lover you are...

the thought of being caught inhibits the enjoyment of said corndog.. always listening for the door to open or the car to come in the driveway... you can never enjoy the corndog like you used to.. and its all because the love of your life finds corndogs disgusting.. so then they become the source of the impeded satisfaction... of the corndog.

 

ask yourself...

do you really want to be that person?

[EQD]

That really isn't a good way to look at relationship issues IMHO. Of course, anything could be "worse". That is not a good mentality.

 

mountains out of molehills is my point.

[melrich]

mountains out of molehills is my point.

 

Really?....interesting way of making it.

[EQD]

Really?....interesting way of making it.

 

different wordings effect people differently. my orignial post was to present perspective. alot of people take what they have for granted. thats human nature... always something wrong... always something threatening them... we thrive on that kind of conflict and peril i believe.

[melrich]

Personally I don't think a persons attitude to issues in a relationship should be "at least I'm not engaged to Ted Bundy."

 

Nor do I think that issues such as this are molehills. It is obviously causing a problem for the OP.

[NowandZen]

I'm not one to discuss the rightness or wrongness of porn on a public forum. Too much of a hot button for a lot of folks.

 

I will put in my 2c on porn as it affects relationships:

 

1) Nobody is perfect. Everyone has something about them you wish was different

2) Everybody has boundaries, i.e. things they simply WILL NOT ACCEPT in a relationship

3) Your feelings about porn as it affects your relationship are common among women, from what I gather

4) Your feeling are valid, whether people agree with them or not

5) Porn is not really your problem, it's how you feel with regard to his use and what it means to your relationship.

 

So:

 

Step one is to talk about it, non-judgementally. Let him know how you feel without criticizing him. Criticism will lead to defensiveness and get you nowhere. It is possible (nay probable) that he has a very different idea of what porn means to your relationship.

 

Perhaps this conversation will make you feel better about his use. Perhaps not.

 

After that, you have to decide if this is something that is a deal breaker for you, or if on balance, it's a mere annoyance.

 

Point is, only you can decide. Whatever you decide is right for you.

[EmptySoul]

Wow lot's of replies. And different points of view, mostly between women and men I think hehe.

 

Okay, I'll try to answer everything-

I've made various comments to him about it, but have not actually had a full blown discussion. Because I am embarrassed. I feel like the way I feel is wrong. I don't want to feel jealous but I can't help it.

 

And like some said, and I said, he doesn't cheat on me, doesn't do it when I'm home, he is amazing.

 

It's just like he could be doing something more constructive all day while I'm working my *** off at work...

 

I think, probably I just need to work on this issue with myself. Probably get a vibrator, get some more confidence in our relationship, and get over it?

 

(And to everyone who said he should delete the net history. That's a great idea. I used to be fine knowing he watched porn and masturbated but it's knowing the specific sites and seeing the porn titles when i get online that is really getting to me.)

 

Thanks everyone.

E.

[blue69]

Pick your battles. Is looking at porn and masterbation worth fretting over? I certainly think it is OK to tell your bf how porn makes you feel. As other suggested let him know that you dont want to see the evidence of his history.

 

Also let him know what topics/scenes in porn bother you the most. If there are some scenes you wouldn't find as negative, let him know what type those would involve. If you are serious about exploring porn for yourself, ask him to pick out a scene for you. Maybe watch some together and see if that helps. (I would suggest very mild material to start with)

 

You also might want to talk to him about your sexual activities. Many men go through sexuality thinking that they have to "last for hours" in order to please their partners. He may actually think that masterbating is helping him peform, not realizing it could be having a negative impact. Tell him what satisfies you. Explain to him that if it goes on for to long it loses some pleasure. Let him know you appreciate his efforts.

 

The bottom-line is that you need to communicate with him about sexuality. Porn, masterbation is just a portion of it.

[Siriana]

(And to everyone who said he should delete the net history. That's a great idea. I used to be fine knowing he watched porn and masturbated but it's knowing the specific sites and seeing the porn titles when i get online that is really getting to me.)

 

 

First of all you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

 

Second, I don't have a problem with my bf watching porn as long as I don't have any idea what exactly he watches.

Some privacy is needed in relationship and if everything else is fine him watching porn is not a big deal..until the moment I see headlines of the films he's been watching.

Once he opened a drawer and I caught sight of porn dvd cover he had in there (only one dvd) - hm.... and it made me wonder how on earth can he think this is great....the picture in the front was anything but aesthetic.

But he was always nice enough to hide that stuff from me.

I know he watches it, I have nothing against it and he knows it's his thing he can enjoy but I don't have to know in details about it. As long as it's not influencing our sex life.

 

I am trying to figure out why on earth your bf didn't delete his history if the two of you are using the same computer?

[My Advice]

If it makes you feel like this, why are you putting up with it?

 

Ask him to stop, explain your reasons why, and if he's not willing to make one small sacrifice to make his partner feel loved and appreciated, why, he's not worth the three seconds it takes to dump his a**.

 

That seems a bit extreme, demanding and controlling. A guy isn't going to ALWAYS fantasize about the woman he is with. It is unrealistic.

[My Advice]

Really?....interesting way of making it.

 

Mel, she does seem to be exaggerating the seriousness of the problem because of an insecurity.

 

That doesn't make her feelings invalid, but to demand he quit watching porn or if it causes a belief he is less attracted to her, then her response will be irrational and overreacting.

[Sky-Cherries]

That seems a bit extreme, demanding and controlling. A guy isn't going to ALWAYS fantasize about the woman he is with. It is unrealistic.

 

 

Oh yes, because it's SO controlling to demand a little bit of respect in a relationship.

Is she expected to just shut up, keep her head down and put up with feeling so badly every single day?

Is that what you'd prefer, over her being happy and feeling loved and respected?

[orangetemple]

Im sick of hearing women complaining about porn.

 

Its porn, big deal. As a woman who likes porn herself, you just have to get over yourself and maybe embrace the idea of looking at it together. It will ramp up your sex life.

Why dont you send him some pics of yourself so he wont have to look at others.

 

The problem is that a lot of women see it has a threat, and it simply has nothing to do with them

[annalisa84]

Porn a threat?

 

Yeah, is some way it is! It is a threat to an amazing sex life. Men who watch a lot of porn are worse in bed most of the times. They turn from Don Juan to Me-and-my-D! They forget the touch, the smell, the taste, the needs of a woman's body etc. They just try to imitate what they saw on screen! And this is NOT something that's pleasurable to 99% of women.

 

And if they watch porn often, not only will they become fake, but also annoying, cos it's harder for them to come, takes too long etc.

 

So no porn lovers for me!

 

I love sex and I love exploring my sexuality, but in REALITY. I want to take my pleasure on a higher level and even further. To find the perfect touch that drives me crazy! Thereby I need a man who does not prefer fantasy over me, but someone who makes all his fantasies true with me!

[akazie]

My husband watches porn all the time, even in front of me. Do I have a problem with it? No because it is something he enjoys and I don't have a right to dictate what he does, that to me is controlling. I want my husband to enjoy his life.

[greensleeves]

If it makes you uncomfortable, you should speak to him about it. Just because some women are okay with it, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with not feeling the same way. There's no right or wrong, only what's right for you and if it's having an effect on your sex life, then it's a problem. I have to add that the whole "at least he's not addicted to cocaine or beating you" argument doesn't wash with me. You need to respect yourself enough to decide what you want out of a relationship and accept nothing less.

[EmptySoul]

I agree with a lot of what was said...

 

I feel like a couple times a week or so is okay, but more than that I feel should be left for the singles, the people not getting/having sex, people not enjoying the sex they're getting, etc.

 

A little porn together is a good time now and again. (As long as we both like the subject matter)

 

I DEFINITELY want the internet history deleted. I do not need to see written proof that you were watching porn while I was working. Especially the site and movie names.

 

e.

[My Advice]

Oh yes, because it's SO controlling to demand a little bit of respect in a relationship.

Is she expected to just shut up, keep her head down and put up with feeling so badly every single day?

Is that what you'd prefer, over her being happy and feeling loved and respected?

 

Why do you consider porn so disrespectful? It isn't suggesting he would actually have sex with those women if he could. I have never had problems with anybody I am romantically infatuated with looking at porn. If my girlfriend had looked at porn I would have been fine with it. Just so long as this person was loyal, still wanted me more than anybody else, and that isn't hurting our sex lives.

 

No, she shouldn't just keep her mouth shut. Nor should she do as you say and demand he quit because of her insecurities or 'else.'

 

What she should do as voice her concern, find a compromise where she doesn't see it, and become pro active in dealing with these insecurities and jealousies over people he doesn't even know much less really care about.

 

She can do that with both his help and a therapist. However there is certainly something very unstable and unhealthy with her if the very idea of porn makes her feel overwhelmed with jealousy and feel 'not loved.'

 

And by the way, sometimes a woman's not feeling loved isn't always her boyfriend's fault. Sometimes a guy can do everything to make a woman feel loved and she still feels deprived because of low self worth and pre-existing depression to begin with. These women are usually just looking for a catalyst to implode over.