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So hurt...once again!


lauramed

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My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. I did the wrong things at the end of the relationship...acting needy and clingy and I know that I smothered him. After two weeks of NC he started to contact me once a week asking how I was doing? After about a month we started to see each other again casually. Usually once a week or every other week. Saw him a week and a half ago and I was having problems with my car. Told me he would call me the next day and help me out. Well I never heard from him. Tried to call him twice last week and he never returned my call. I know that I won't try him again and won't fall back into that same trap with him again. That doesn't stop it from hurting all over again. Just need some advice on what I should do.

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Yep...that's what a lot of dumpers do...they need to ween themselves off so they hang around enjoying the ego boost and then once they are okay, they walk out of the dumpee's life. What you should do is continue the healing process and if he tries to worm his way back in again tell him that you are now over and done with him after this latest stunt he pulled.

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Yep...that's what a lot of dumpers do...they need to ween themselves off so they hang around enjoying the ego boost and then once they are okay, they walk out of the dumpee's life.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but you have a slightly bitter edge to you. Why bring up such negativity? Has it ever really occurred to you that SOME "dumpers" as you label them, stick around for a bit because they still care and MAYBE just MAYBE are sticking around to see if they made the right decision. Maybe they are giving the dumpee a chance to UNDO what they did to push the "dumper" away, through ACTIONS and not through WORDS.

 

I'm not sure why you hang around this board and seem to spread such negativity with your words. You clearly berate "dumpers" for the most part and act like the dumpee is the victim.

 

In my OBJECTIVE opinion, it isn't always easy for a "dumper" to go through with the break up if there are STILL feelings there. NOW, if the dumpee DID push away the dumper so much so that they HAD to end the relationship, then if the dumpee understands this, they will NOT do anymore pushing POST-breakup and this MAY start to create a VACUUM effect, whereby the dumper might feel comfortable enough to stick around.

 

This can only occur if the dumpee no longer exhibits needy, clingy, dependent vibes. The dumper might even reconsider in time and feel comfortable enough to come back.

 

Now every situation is different, but the bottom line is, desperation is a TURN-OFF. Confidence and Independence (NOT pride) is a TURN-ON.

 

Now, my opinion on what happened with the OP is that she may have used the excuse of having car problems, to get her ex to help her out. Why could she not have called a friend or better yet, a mechanic. You CANNOT and MUST not rely on your ex to help YOU out if they leave you. Sympathy and PITY NEVER works. You must give and ask NOTHING back in return.

 

I would not fully give up on him if I were you. Try sending him an email with a link to something he may find of interest, or wish him good luck on something you may know he is doing in the future and ask NOTHING from him for now.

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I think you should take a good long look at who is bitter here...this long diatribe shows me that it is you who is the one who is bitter and you are projecting your bitterness on to me. Your anger and bitterness is completely dripping from this post, from your insults to me right down to all the use of all of your angry words. Sounds to me like this thread really hit close to home for you...do you yourself have bitter regrets about dumping someone?

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Has it ever really occurred to you that SOME "dumpers" as you label them, stick around for a bit because they still care and MAYBE just MAYBE are sticking around to see if they made the right decision. Maybe they are giving the dumpee a chance to UNDO what they did to push the "dumper" away, through ACTIONS and not through WORDS.

 

I'm not sure why you hang around this board and seem to spread such negativity with your words. You clearly berate "dumpers" for the most part and act like the dumpee is the victim.

 

First, CAD's words have been of great comfort to a lot of people here, and I've never said one word to her about it - it's not like I'm defending someone that i talk to all the time. But i've read a lot of her posts, and her thoughts speak for themselves. She doesn't need defending, but I thought I would say something. she's probably helped far more people than she realizes. I'm one of them.

 

Second, "maybe" the dumper is giving the dumpee a "chance to undo what they did to push the dumper away?" Are you serious?

 

If you break up with someone...tell them you no longer want to be romantically involved with them, and you know they're still in love with you - you have a duty to remove yourself from their life and allow them to heal. Continued presense in that life only leads to more hurt.

 

If you want someone back...if you think you can reconcile with the person you dumped, then you should have talked about it before dumping someone. If that's how you feel post breakup, then call the person, leave a message and say "Look, I think we can work this out...let's talk." How hard is that.

 

Your suggestion is that people might "hang around" to see if someone will change? lol.

 

I'm sorry, but your comments here don't really make any sense whatsoever.

 

Nobody has suggested that all dumpers have an easy time of it breaking up with people. But to stay in someone's life so they can "undo" what they did to cause the breakup? Come on.

 

Mistakes are usually made on both sides of the ledger. You seem to be disregarding that completely.

 

In almost all cases, dumpers hang around either to ease their own guilt, and pain, over not having that person in their life anymore....and in a lot of situations, dumpers are aware of the fact that they can use the lingering feelings of their former partner to, frankly, get laid.

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I actually didn't call him to ask about helping with the car. He stopped by to see me and asked how the car was running...I've had problems with the car since I met him. I just told him what was going on and told him that a friend of mine was going to look at it and try to fix it for me. He then offered to ask a friend of his who is a mechanic to take a look at it. I would never call and ask for help. We usually talk at least once a week, he might call me one week and me the next. Just to say how and see how things are going. I thought I would wait till next week....his birthday is the 2nd...just to wish him a happy birthday and keep it simple.

 

I don't think all dumpers are so cruel. I know that he still cares about me and if he was going to just walk out of my life....he would have already done it.

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I know that it probably looks that way. Maybe I'm just looking at false hope, but knowing him the way that I do...I just don't see him doing that to me. I should have tried to talk to him about our chances of starting over, but I was too afraid that I would push him away again. I don't think that he knows what to do with this relationship right now.

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I know that it probably looks that way. Maybe I'm just looking at false hope, but knowing him the way that I do...I just don't see him doing that to me. I should have tried to talk to him about our chances of starting over, but I was too afraid that I would push him away again. I don't think that he knows what to do with this relationship right now.

 

You see that's the problem. That's what many dumpers do...they don't know what to do..they are second guessing their decision...so they hang around in their confusion thereby causing confusion for the person they dumped. It may not be intentional cruelty, but it is cruel nonetheless. If you haven't heard from him by his birthday, I would suggest simply sending a very very brief "wish you all the best on your birthday" message and leave it at that. This way you haven't ignored his birthday but you are sending the message that you are following his lead and being cool.

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Laura, I don't think you did anything wrong. You're right. Some dumpers aren't so cruel. Some are and some aren't. We don't know what's going on in your ex's head, but I can promise you, if he doesn't feel threatened by your contact and doesn't actually tell you to leave him alone, don't be afraid to contact him to say hi.

 

I recommend you continue to be independent. Enjoy your FREE time. YOUR life and the pleasures you have separate from him. When you do contact him, I suggest you don't bring up anything heavy. Be happy and light on the phone. Keep it relatively short (YOU end the conversation). If it's going well, then sure, ask him if he'd like to hang out, or go for a drink or whatever. He may be playing hard to get right now. He may have felt pressured by something you may have said or did. Who knows, but I wouldn't give up just yet.

 

As for the other two posters on here, I meant no disrespect. By all means, you are entitled to your opinions, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and dumpers are no exception to that rule. Things aren't always clear cut.

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I agree with CADs. Most of the time!, when Dumpers leave someone they have already made the decision long time ago...There is no such a thing called "oh let me see if I made the wrong decision bs" Actually those people are the most dangerous because if they come back in such a quick time, it is sure bet they could not find someone else in short term....The reason they hang on or ie. stick around to have the comfort of having someone adoring you while look for someone else better...in mean time, the dumpee is confused, begging, etc....

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I'm not sure what's going through his head right now. At the time of the break up he was trying to stay sober and has been sober for the last 6 months. I know it's tough for him, especially around the holidays. I'm not going to give up on him yet, but I'm not going to push at him either. That was the mistake I made to create the break up....clingy and needy. The one thing I didn't do after was call, beg, etc. I have been going out, having fun and enjoying life....though he's always in my head. So the next time I contact him will be on his birthday and I'm just going to keep it brief and light and just wish him a happy birthday.

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That's fine, but in a lot of cases, dumpers don't KNOW they're being cruel. They simply don't view what they're doing from the perspective of their ex.

 

Dumpers are usually cruel when you give them a reason to be. For example, if you see they need time and space and you don't give it to them. Well, most people who are being dumped don't think of their ex's feelings. They think of their own and continue to impose themselves on their ex. They plead, they beg, they push, push, push. So, essentially, there is a lack of respect for the dumpers wishes/feelings and so, the dumper usually has reason to be cruel and justifiably so at this point.

 

When one respects the dumpers wishes to be alone, have time to their self, or just a little space, the dumper then is usually SO MUCH MORE accommodating and pleasant.

 

Most people who are being dumped play the victim IMMEDIATELY after the breakup and say to the dumper, how could you do this to ME??? Wow and we wonder why the dumper feels torn and about 2 inches tall at that point.

 

Again, if you are understanding, apologetic, accepting, respectful and patient after a breakup and stay this way, you stand a GREAT chance of

the ex returning.

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This last part I agree with, although it does not always lead to reconcilliation.

 

As for the part in bold. No, I disagree. No has the right to be cruel and it is not justifiably so.

 

And your comments to CAD are not justified. Asking why someone should post as she does when she was merely offing her advice and insight, is intimating that she should leave the forum. That would be unfortunate for the people she has helped so much and continues to do so.

 

As for the word OBJECTIVE, used in self validation, I suggest that you go to Webster's.

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There is no justifiable reason for cruelty. I am with you on that, but if I continually tell someone I NEED SPACE and time to think and they continually call me and don't RESPECT me, I will feel justified in not being as nice. This is common knowledge. By the same token, if I tell someone I need time and space and they say they understand and give it to me RIGHT away, I will want to do SO MUCH more for that person and will feel so much more understood and taken care of. My needs and feelings will feel like they are being taken care of...

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There is no justifiable reason for cruelty. I am with you on that, but if I continually tell someone I NEED SPACE and time to think and they continually call me and don't RESPECT me, I will feel justified in not being as nice. This is common knowledge. By the same token, if I tell someone I need time and space and they say they understand and give it to me RIGHT away, I will want to do SO MUCH more for that person and will feel so much more understood and taken care of. My needs and feelings will feel like they are being taken care of...

 

That you feel justified in being not nice is pretty much understood. Yes, and it is common for you to feel this way.

 

You will do so much more for that person if, and only if, your needs and feelings are taken care of? And their feelings and needs will only be recognized if they recognize yours, first?

 

Sorry, but compassion for others, especially one that you may have shared an intimate relationship with, is not contingent on what the other person does for you. You have it or you do not.

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HopeArises...it sounds to me like you have a story to tell about your own personal situation and you are extrapolating from your own personal situation and making generalizations. I don't know what your story is but it sounds like you are trying to justify a decision you made in dumping someone. If you stick around these boards for long enough, you will see that most of the dumpees are in a huge amount of pain and their "disregard" for the dumper's feelings in requesting space is certainly not out of disrespect, it is out of a sense of rip-roaring pain out of having a person tell you they love you several days before to suddenly telling you it is over. It is a knee jerk reaction to having their world blown apart...something the dumper often doesn't understand. So stick around this forum for a while and read the stories of the people who are in a lot of pain after being dumped. On the one hand you are telling them to give the dumper space...yet on the other hand you are telling dumpees to stick around and give the dumper a chance. Can't have it both ways...when a dumper says you are history, the best thing the dumpee can do is BELIEVE it and walk away completely. Give the dumper exactly what the dumper says he/she wants...and leave it completely in the hands of the dumper if he/she changes his mind. The exception is when the dumper was forced to dump because the dumpee was taking the relationship for granted or had some destructive tendencies. In that case after a cooling off period and enough time for the dumpee to make changes to their behaviours then the dumpee should contact the dumper to make amends.

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I'm trying so hard to take the advice that everyone is giving, but it's just so hard to give up on someone that you love. It's been two weeks since I've heard from him and that's the longest that we've gone without talking since the break up. I was going to contact him on his birthday just to wish him a happy one, but am now rethinking that. It's probably best if I leave him alone. Totally confused over this and just so hurt. I'm so tired of the pain, but I know that I brought this all on myself. Never should have let him walk back into my life so easily. Now I have to deal with the heartache all over again!!!

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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