I don't know what to do

[fatesdream]

I broke up with my long distance boyfriend about 3 days ago after 9 months of a rocky relationship that's caused a lot of tears and misunderstandings. Everyone I know has been pleading with me to break up with him for a while because they didn't think he was treating me well, which yeah sometimes he didn't, but then other times he was just so sweet. I love him still and maybe if we didn't live on different sides of the country, things would be different. It's not that I'm tired of waiting, but things just seem so tense and frustrating sometimes.

 

We didn't talk for a day which I mostly spent crying and was starting to feel a little better, but then he called during my dad's dinner saying how much he hated his parents because all they do is tell him that he's not going anywhere in life, so I told him I'd call him back as soon as I got home.

 

We both cried for a bit and he's been pleading with me to not leave him because I'm all he has, he says. This is just killing me all I want is for him to be happy and I know breaking up won't make him happy, but maybe in the long run...

 

We were watching a show online last night and talking a bit, then he called and got upset because we normally call each other every night once minutes are free. He asked if I didn't want to call anymore and stuff then went on to say how upset he was that I didn't pick up the day before because I was in the shower and how he thought that I could possibly be with someone else, which I told him was silly because I still love him and am not ready to be in another relationship.

 

The thing is that a friend of mine is coming down to visit who I've known for like three years...but have never met because I met him on an online game. We've always liked each other, at least on my part I've liked him for the last 2 years but never said anything because he's always busy working and we live two states away. I told my previous boyfriend that I do still like my friend, but I was only seeing him as a friend because I was with him and everything. Now, he thinks I broke up with him because my friend is coming down, which is not my reason, but it did sort of aid in giving me the courage because my friend has always treated me well and helped me with whatever.

 

I still don't want to jump into another relationship, but I understand why my previous boyfriend is upset, I would be too...I'm about ready to tell my friend I can't see him, but he's so excited, telling me how he's not going to let me down about coming down and how he's planning all this stuff.

 

Then just yesterday, my previous boyfriend lost pretty much all his money playing poker, which is what he does for a living, and I can't help him with money because I've already given him about $1200 which is pretty much all I had. So he is having guilt about taking money from me as well as losing all of it...He says he just wants to give up and I'm pleading with him to just get a job to get back on his feet, and he wants to but he doesn't. ugh it's so complicated >.

 

He keeps asking me to move to where he is, but I don't see how I can because neither of us have any money anymore, and I'm scared to go out there too from some of the fights...plus I'm a college student and working a part time job...he wants me to take a semester off from school to get a job there and work full time. I'm afraid I won't get the chance to go back to school and get stuck working minimum wage my whole life. He says he doesn't even want to try anymore because everyone leaves him so there's no point...

[catfeeder]

I undertsand. There are articles about the benefits of no contact all over this board, and it might help to read through those and really think about this.

 

You can't have someone running your life from afar and throwing panics over your showers and manipulating you with dependency if you expect to move forward in a healthy way.

 

Write more if it helps, and especially if it will keep you from caving to the demands of someone who has his own healing to do. Wouldn't you rather him move past his preoccupatin with you?

 

In your corner.

[fatesdream]

Thank you so much for responding. I know it's a long post

 

Yes I want him to be happy, I really do. We haven't seen each other in 8 months, all our money is gone in trying to see each other. It just doesn't seem to be going anywhere...all this on top of everyone telling me to leave him.

 

I'm so worried right now because my friends did come down to see me and my ex left me a text once he found out that they did in fact arrive saying, you don't know how much you've hurt me. I feel crushed and he won't pick up and I'm worried. I promised him it was just as friends, but I also told him that I did like on of my friends that came down to see me.

 

I know I'd hurt in his place too if he had a girl he liked for a while finally come see him, but we also aren't together...maybe I should have told my friends that they couldn't come, but they drove 16 hours to come see me and were all excited because they finally saved up enough and had a few days off from work.

 

We haven't broken up long ago, just this last saturday, so I know it probably looks like I broke up with him to be with my friend, but I keep telling him I didn't, it was honestly for other reasons, I'm sick of crying. I wish I could do everything for him even now, but so many messed up things have happened that I was kind of afraid to go see him.

 

He said his two exs did the same thing, left him for someone else, and cheated on him, but he's also liked two girls since our on and off relationship began where I got hurt and cried about it, and he's even kissed another girl and a bit more (he implied they did a little more but not much) while we were together. He doesn't think it's cheating, his excuse was that he was so lonely.

 

I kind of want no contact, but I care about him so much still, I'm sure he's lost all trust in me. I wish I knew if he was alright.

[catfeeder]

[...] I kind of want no contact, but I care about him so much still, I'm sure he's lost all trust in me. I wish I knew if he was alright.

 

You've got the perfect storm here, because you bait him with too much information. WHY would you tell him about stuff you know will threaten him--especially that you like one of the guys?

 

Part of maturity is learning discretion. That means, if you want to move on, do so, and stop being an open book to him. Breaking up means your social life is no longer his business, and if you think you're doing him favors by keeping in contact so the door is open for him to manipulate you with drama, then you don't understand what healing means. It's not pain-free--it never is, for anyone. It means permitting the pain while you each work through it privately and get to the other side of it--individually.

 

By keeping him informed of your life, and most especially your potential romantic interests, you're only preventing normal grief and healing for both of you. Please understand that. Read and study the No Contact articles on this forum. Write more if it will help you curb impulsive communication with your ex, and hang in there.

 

In your corner.

[fatesdream]

I know it was dumb to tell him that I had feelings for my friend. I told him before we broke up, I didn't want to lie, but I also wanted him to believe that he could trust me and that I'd only be seeing my friend as just that because I was with my ex at the time. I guess it's kind of juvenile.

 

Again, I shouldn't have told him they were here, but I didn't want to lie...I know he has trust issues, and if I tried to tell him everything then maybe he'd know that he could trust me.

 

I hope I didn't make a fatal mistake and that he'll be alright, I guess I shouldn't try to contact him now as much as I want to make sure he's alright.

[Kristin25]

Oh darling. This guy is not good. Trust me on this: DO NOT EVER sacrifice your education for anyone. EVER. College is incredibly important and that should be your main focus right now. Do not turn your back on that at all.

 

I can understand where he is coming from, but you are doing nothing wrong. As long as you are honest with yourself, you can be honest with him. If you have feelings for someone else, admit them to yourself.

 

Excuse me for being so forward, but you may be enabling this for him. You seem very available for him and he be incredible dependent right now, but not in healthy way. Y'all sound young so I can understand, I was once in the same spot.

 

If you really think that he is going to do something drastic, tell him he needs help. Give him a suicide hotline number and inform his parents if you think he might do that, just guessing from your post.

 

No one can make him get a job but him. He is the one who has to do it and he needs to pick himself up. And he should pay you back that money, but that is another story.

 

I hope my post helps. I can remember being in your position and I was very strong about my decision that nothing was going to get in the way of my schooling.

 

I hope that I helped and didn't piss you off?!

[catfeeder]

I can understand where he is coming from, but you are doing nothing wrong. As long as you are honest with yourself, you can be honest with him. If you have feelings for someone else, admit them to yourself.

 

Please don't make the same mistakes I've made. While I agree that being honest with yourself is a good thing, failing to use discretion in what you tell someone else is not exactly 'being honest', it can be harmful.

 

Confessions are appropriate for your diary, a therapist, an objective friend, or clergy. Unloading your conscience at another's expense, most especially when that person will be hurt by the information in no way 'helps' them--or yourself. Just the opposite.

 

You can't play social worker with someone you're trying to break up with. It not only doesn't work, it works against your goals. This isn't some moralistic finger-wag to make you feel guilty about whatever you've said to him already, the whole point is to encourage you to recognize impulses that don't serve either of you.

 

Your intentions for plotting out your social life are completely separate from your wish to let this guy down easy. There are no 'easy' breakups. That's why continuing contact and feeding his dependency on you only makes things messy and harder on both of you.

 

In your corner.

[naturesown]

ah long distance are great when we keep them long distance and responsible emotions don't have to come into play...have fun with them and expect nothing but entertainment during a boring part of your life.

Joe

[fatesdream]

Thank you for all your replies, it's still hard sometimes, but I do think it's for the best. We haven't talked for three days now and I think I'm getting strong enough to try to just leave him be and not try to check up on him.

 

My friends came and left, and they could not have been more supportive and sweet...they even met my whole family for Christmas, which was awesome

 

My parents love the guy I really like, my dad was just commenting on how impressed he was with him Things might be looking up.

 

I'm still healing from the break up, but things also seem to be looking up. Thanks again for everyone who commented and gave advice, it really helped to stay rational about breaking up with my ex.

[Joel Barish]

Glad things are looking up for you. We'll all get there eventually. Keep up the good work!

[teren537]

Glad things are going better. Keep your chin up baby and FINISH SCHOOL!! That degree is going to be the most important thing you can do with your life and no boyfriend is worth the sacrifice!!!