The true reasons why we want them back.

[SighSob]

I'll start this by saying that I, just like most of the people around here, want my ex back above anything. I'd do anything to have her back. But that could be due to reasons different than "I Love Her", even though I'm pretty sure I do (it doesn't make sense, I know).

 

When she dumped me out of the blue I felt the following:

 

-My world fell apart. We had been together for a lot of time everyday for a whole 2.5 years.

-I felt rejected. She said she didn't love me anymore, and that there was nothing I could do to change it. Now that HURTS and makes you feel powerless. (altough I do believe that if I made her love me once, I can make her love me twice...

-I felt scared. Will I ever be able to find another girl who completes me like she did? Will I ever be able to find another girl at all? Will I ever feel "love" again?

-I felt like all my efforts into building a solid relationship had been swept away. I miss the little things, the intimacy...how long will it take to recreate those things with another girl?

 

What I'm trying to say is: if you asked me "do you love your ex?" I'd answer "Yes I do, 100%".

But I'm still not sure if I WANT TO FEEL like I love her just so I can try to get back all that I achieved and was stolen at once...instead of starting it all over again with another girl...I think we should all ask ourselves the same question...

[veneratio]

Good post Bob. Initially I know I wanted her back because I was so afraid of never finding what I had with my ex again. I sought out her validation...I wanted her to want me and couldn't for the life of me figure out what was so wrong with me. If that same question was posed to me 3 months back, yes, definitely. And yes, I still love her 100% despite it all, but I'm not in love with her. She was my friend first and will always stay that way in my heart.

 

I think you're at that median point. You still love her, but there's that fear of loss of familiarity. Once you realize that it's quite possible for you to love again, that fear slowly starts to dissipate.

[mijo]

I definitely agree with this.

I was single for a long time before getting with my ex and I think there is a big part of me that has been convinced that I want him back when in reality I think I may just be scared that I am not going to find anyone else. I don't find it that easy to meet guys and I think it is more of a "I want to be with somebody and feel loved" rather than actually wanting him back specifically, after all there is a reason why we broke up. It's easy to pretend everything was perfect, but if everything was perfect then we wouldn't have broken up

[yankeefan74]

All of those things could be true in some cases. But people really do sometimes make a mistake ending a relationship that probably shouldn't have ended. I've seen it a lot, and in some cases, it leads to very successful "second chances." I'm thinking of two couples in particular that have the kind of life they dreamed of the first time around. It really does happen.

 

But I think that this thread brings up a key point - if you want someone back for the wrong reasons, it's not going to work even if you managed to get that person back.

[Robert013]

I have been worried about finding someone a little bit. I am also not used to being alone, so lonliness has alot to do with it. I really don't want her back it would never be the same as it was. She hurt me to bad. I just want to be reashured everything will be fine in the end. It is the unknown that is scarry.

[mijo]

I have been worried about finding someone a little bit. I am also not used to being alone, so lonliness has alot to do with it. I really don't want her back it would never be the same as it was. She hurt me to bad. I just want to be reashured everything will be fine in the end. It is the unknown that is scarry.

 

definitely.

The loneliness makes you remember just the good times and you long to be with them and feel that closeness. You want them back because you worry that you'll never find it again. Maybe instead we should look on it as a push to go and find someone, to go and find the person that will make us that happy and even happier and wont break our hearts at the end of it.

I worry so much about being alone and this makes me want the nights with my ex back, but if I sit and remember the things that caused the argument that we ultimately broke up over I realise that even if he did by some miracle want me back it would probably never work!

[coldplay.]

Thats why reconciliations are not worth it unless both parties IMPROVE on the issues that previous broke them up. Theres always a possibility that ANYTHING could happen with ANYONE just as much as it could happen with your ex unless its something like cheating thats a whole different story, so why make a distinction, thats not 'wisdom' thats a grudge anyway u look at it.

 

Reconciliation isnt just 'getting back together' or maybe it is, but in my mind reconciliation is moving past the previous issues to form a stronger relationship, if you havnt done that you have not reconciled, youve just gotten back together, and who wants to do that? If you honestly Just want your ex back without any kind of changes (of course situationally dependent) or growth you ARE foolish, and will probably fail or not be having the best relationship you can. The old relationship ran its course, i mean that term literally, the way you two were did not work, love died. You cant look anyway around that fact, love died, so the only thing to do is improve, and hope the other does as well.

[Fitchik]

WOW!... did I ever need to read this today!! Thanks!

[Jay_Bird]

the true reason why we want

 

them back

 

is because they have/had the upper hand

 

if it was the other way around,and we dumped them it wouldn't hurt at all

[Travelin99]

I'm pretty sure it still hurts, even if you are the dumper.

 

My ex was the dumper, but she told me it was the hardest thing she's ever had to do. We talked 2 months after the breakup and she told me how much she'd been crying and how much she missed me.

 

We attempted reconciliation, but, as coldplay said, it was more "getting back together" as we just jumped back in and hadn't dealt with the issues, and 2 months apart just wasn't enough time to let go of the past and move forward with the future.

 

I'm on Day 23 of NC, and I think it's what's necessary at the moment. We both have some growing up to do, and hopefully time will heal our wounds. If we ever were to reconcile, we would need a fresh start and I think time and space for healing and forgiveness will allow for that.

[mr_m4x]

I'm on a situation that can relate to this thread very very much.

 

My ex made me break up with her 3 months ago, it was something that I didn't see coming until 2 week before I had to cut it off. We had been together for 26 months.

 

I've healed during these 3 months almost completely, I don't know if the fact that I'm still in love with her means that I haven't healed totally. I've met new girls, drawn interest from them but I still can't get her out of my head. And that's why I want to START OVER.

 

 

 

And this post is totally right, if you expect to get back into the same issues that you had before, then you'll have the same problems you had before.

 

I know I have changed and my next relationships won't be as the first one I had with my ex. I'm wiser, I know where I failed, learnt from it and have a set of "rules" that I'll demand from my partner among other things.

 

I hope that she has done the same thinking as I have and is willing to give it another shot. I know we are worth fighting for.

[COtuner]

He is right. I made the effort, it took a month to see that my ex did not (said all the right things to get me, but his charade crashed and burned) and now we are most likely in the process of breaking up again, this time with me the dumper.

 

DON'T get back together unless the problems are really going to be resolved, whether before you're together or through committed efforts you can actually SEE.

[onyxblue]

the true reason why we want

 

them back

 

is because they have/had the upper hand

 

if it was the other way around,and we dumped them it wouldn't hurt at all

 

Absolutely not true. I was the dumper, and here am I almost a year later and from what I hear, I miss my ex more than she does me.

[rapunzel]

I was also the dumper, 1.5 years ago. Due to my ex-ex's personality flaws (and they are bad), I finally left him and started dating my ex....who brought me to this site. Latest ex was not over HIS ex and after two go arounds, with a 9 month interval, he broke up with me again. AND we have to work together as musicians. Ugh.

 

But here I find myself, wiling to overlook the flaws of my ex-ex and am considering trying to reconcile with him. And now, after he had a romance that went sour this past summer, he seems to have the upper hand. I'm the one calling him mostly and he told me he doesn't see us getting back together...at least not now.

 

We got together last night and exchanged Xmas gifts. But it felt like friends and it just makes me sad as I'm the one who gave it all up, for what I thought were greener pastures.

 

I know life with my ex-ex would not be easy due to his negative qualities that made me leave. So perhaps I did the right thing but here I am alone at 47, and feeling like it's too late to reconcile.

 

From what I've learned on these boards, this is typical. When the dumper wants to try reconciliation, often it is too late and the dumpee has moved on and lost feelings for the dumper.