girl68 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I disagree that there was a demeaning and mocking tone. He is pointing out that it's illogical to suggest that being in a bathing suit/underwear at the beach or in a pool is any different than being in a hot tub in the same outfit. In my town, I think people would laugh at me if I suggested being in a hot tub with *any* clothes on. People are pretty comfortable being naked and nobody's bf or gf would care. It's all up to you to decide what is going to make you uncomfortable- it's not necessarily a given that this would upset you. group of people is what's bothering you, not the actual hot tub scenario. You may have to make peace with them at some point if you expect this relationship to continue. Let me adress something, I did not suggest in any way that being in a hot tub was different than being in a pool, or at a beach. Please read what I wrote one more time. Second, just because in your town something like this is all fine and dandy and no one cares does not make me or how I feel about this particular situation or one that is completely different. I have merely said I can undserstand how the OP would not like her bf being in a hot tub with *NALF NAKED* (I said half, don't assume I'm comparing swim suits to being nude, I mean it literally, HALF NAKED) girls. That feeling in now way makes me a crazy, jealous, nutty girlfriend- and especially not when I would never do, or say anything about it. Link to comment
lifelessons Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I just have one question for you all. I’m trying to figure out if my thoughts are “normal” or not. If you found out that your boyfriend (let’s say you’ve been dating for about 5 years, because that’s my situation) went to a friend’s house for a party one night and got into a hot tub with some of his casual friends (including girls), would you start to have some doubts? Apparently this went on for over an hour, if that makes any difference. Thanks for your input. No. There is no reason to doubt him because of this. If you are jealous over this, then you will start to let other things that may be innocent cause you to be paranoid. That's when he's going to start to second guess a relationship with you. Link to comment
SoMuchLove Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 If they are friends then it's nothing to be concerned about. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 yeah, but a woman wearing a bikini in a hot tub is a lot more enticing and easier to make a 'mistake' with than a woman in goofy rented bowling shoes. Link to comment
SoMuchLove Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 True. I guess I misinterpreted that the OP just had a problem with him being around women in general. My mistake. Link to comment
linna Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks again for your responses. It's really great to read so many different perspectives on this issue, so thank-you. I was/am not particularly worried about my boyfriend being around other women in general. I think it was/is the setting and the people involved that really bothered me. I finally asked him about all of this, and I can't say I'm particularly satisfied with his answers. They sound...very sketchy to be honest. First, I asked him why he decided to do this in the first place, and his answer was something to the effect of "because I thought it would be fun." Well, there are lots of things that I think would be fun too, but that doesn't mean I would actually do them. I also asked him about what actually happened in the hot tub, and he didn't say much. He said something like "I dunno...we chatted about stuff." If you're just chatting with your friends, is it really necessary to go with them and jump into an outdoor hot-tub half-naked in the middle of winter? At this point, I didn't even want to ask him any further details about what happened. I can tell from one of the photos, though, that the stupid hot tub was...well, very cramped and the girls pretty much had their boobs hanging out for everyone to see. Link to comment
jcrisph Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I think if you trust him and he didnt cheat on you, just explain to him whats bothering you and move on from the situation. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Let me adress something, I did not suggest in any way that being in a hot tub was different than being in a pool, or at a beach. Please read what I wrote one more time. Second, just because in your town something like this is all fine and dandy and no one cares does not make me or how I feel about this particular situation or one that is completely different. I have merely said I can undserstand how the OP would not like her bf being in a hot tub with *NALF NAKED* (I said half, don't assume I'm comparing swim suits to being nude, I mean it literally, HALF NAKED) girls. That feeling in now way makes me a crazy, jealous, nutty girlfriend- and especially not when I would never do, or say anything about it. I didn't say that you suggested anything. I gave my opinion that ghost's post didn't seem to be intentionally mocking to you or anyone else. The rest of my post was intended for the o.p. I certainly don't expect anyone to base their opinions/thoughts on how my life is or how people in my town react to this stuff. It was merely offering another perspective. Link to comment
Truth317 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 A hottub is a little more romantic/personal than say a regular pool. If I was involved, I would NOT be sitting in a hottub full of women unless my woman is in there right alongside me. I don't think it's neccessarily an "evil" thing to do. But it just doesn't seem very right either. Link to comment
Truth317 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I got to give that a thumbs down. If you got a woman you don't need to be sitting inside of a hottub with other half-dressed women unless you're woman is in there with you. It's matter of respect. The hot tub is far more personal than say a pool. Bodies DO touch, feet touch, legs touch, do I need to go on? It's just not appropriate if you're involved. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 hmmmm, it's winter, there's a hot tub. Link to comment
mentalrape Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Truth has a very valid point. If I was in a relationship with a girl i cared for and loved deeply, i would have her right there with me.. the hot tub thing, not evil.. but not right.. And if you made him aware you werent comfortable with him going, why did he go. also, u said there were pictures taken. how does he look in them? is he eyeing the girls, are the girls close to him, and so on.. I would take this situation as a red flag somewhere between minor and small, maybe verging on medium. Keep your guard up luv, and good luck Link to comment
allypally Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 "And if you made him aware you werent comfortable with him going, why did he go." Mentalrape's view is a valid one. If you ask your SO not to do something because it causes you concern and makes you feel uncomfortable, the LAST thing they should do, is go ahead and do it. OP - read the thread "betrayal - what does it mean to you?". Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 i don't think she made it that apparent that she had a problem with him going to the party. she said she more than likely could have gone too. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 i don't think she made it that apparent that she had a problem with him going to the party. she said she more than likely could have gone too. I think I would have been able to go to this party, but the problem is ...well...some of his "friends" have insulted me in the past (unprovoked), so I didn't want to go. I also told him I didn't really want him going for the same reason, but he went anyway. He knew how she felt and why, though. Maybe she could have been more firm about it...but then that might have come off as controlling. To me the hot tub issue is irrelevant...the issue here is him apparently not telling his friends to cut out the insults toward his gf. I think if Linna's bf had simply told his friends to cut it out (they don't have to like his gf but they can at least be civil around her) this could have been resolved and there probably would be no problem here. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 He knew how she felt and why, though. Maybe she could have been more firm about it...but then that might have come off as controlling. To me the hot tub issue is irrelevant...the issue here is him apparently not telling his friends to cut out the insults toward his gf. I think if Linna's bf had simply told his friends to cut it out (they don't have to like his gf but they can at least be civil around her) this could have been resolved and there probably would be no problem here. because she didn't want to go? pffft. i understand this is about the hot tub, but it sounds like you are making this to be about her issues with his friends. that wasn't the OP question. that is a completely different thread. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 because she didn't want to go? pffft. i understand this is about the hot tub, but it sounds like you are making this to be about her issues with his friends. that wasn't the OP question. that is a completely different thread. Well, no. It's not a different thread at all. There is a discussion between the OP and I toward the beginning of the thread about the friendship issue, then a long discussion amongst other people about the hot tub issue. According to my discussion with her in this thread, that was my understanding of the underlying problem. The hot tub issue is just the scenario, but the underlying problem is with the other issues. This was not stated about 2 posts down from that (the post that I quoted). I'm not concerned with the OP because she made it clear in subsequent posts that there are other issues. In my judgment, the hot tub issue is masking the real issue. That is my interpretation though and I can see where you might disagree, but I hope this helps to clarify why I think this is very relevant to this thread. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 you really shouldnt stay in a hottub for more than 15 minutes at a time.. bad for the heart. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 you really shouldnt stay in a hottub for more than 15 minutes at a time.. bad for the heart. lol! that is a good point!!! Link to comment
mentalrape Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 In my town, I think people would laugh at me if I suggested being in a hot tub with *any* clothes on. People are pretty comfortable being naked and nobody's bf or gf would care. It's all up to you to decide what is going to make you uncomfortable- it's not necessarily a given that this would upset you. QUOTE] damn... what town do you live in?? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 you really shouldnt stay in a hottub for more than 15 minutes at a time.. bad for the heart. and can wrinkle up your feet and hands. Link to comment
Vulcan800 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 myself although if I trusted her I would not bring it up as an issue to her. However, yeah in some sense it would bother me a bit. I would probably have to talk to someone about it. If she gave me no reason to believe that anything funny was going on then I would not make it an issue with her, In fact I would not bring it up to her unless she was ok with talking about it. If she was then WOW thats a special person lol especialy if they listen and understand where u r coming from and reassure you that there was nothing to it then i would be cool Link to comment
ladybug726 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Samedy and annie24, Thanks so much for your quick responses! I think I would have been able to go to this party, but the problem is ...well...some of his "friends" have insulted me in the past (unprovoked), so I didn't want to go. I also told him I didn't really want him going for the same reason, but he went anyway. The girls weren't the ones insulting me. It was some of his guy friends. It would worry me, especially because of this. Okay, I read a bit more of the post now... I dunno, something doesn't seem right. His sketchy answers would be a huge red flag to me. Link to comment
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