Boyfriend in a hot tub with girls?

[linna]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

I just have one question for you all. I’m trying to figure out if my thoughts are “normal” or not.

 

If you found out that your boyfriend (let’s say you’ve been dating for about 5 years, because that’s my situation) went to a friend’s house for a party one night and got into a hot tub with some of his casual friends (including girls), would you start to have some doubts? Apparently this went on for over an hour, if that makes any difference.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Samedy]

Meh.. Only if there were other factors that occurred before this incident. If there were bathing suits and it was a group of people, then it probably was nothing (if it were me in you situation, I wouldn't like it... and I would be a tad jealous...)...

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone

 

well - i'd wonder why i wasn't invited to this little 'party.' are you frequently left out of parties/gatherings?

[linna]

Hi Samedy and annie24,

 

Thanks so much for your quick responses!

I think I would have been able to go to this party, but the problem is ...well...some of his "friends" have insulted me in the past (unprovoked), so I didn't want to go. I also told him I didn't really want him going for the same reason, but he went anyway. The girls weren't the ones insulting me. It was some of his guy friends.

But still, I find this whole hot tub thing very strange because he's usually a VERY shy person. When I heard about this, I couldn't even believe he did it at first, but then I saw some pictures. (It looked like they were doing this in an outside hot tub, in the snow...)

[annie24]

i guess in a sense - i'd be more worried if this is a pattern - like if he is typically excluding you from outings or whatnot. why were his friends rude to you? i think he should talk to them and tell them that was uncalled for.

[lost1607307474]

I would wonder why I wasn't invited to the party. I would definitely be skeptical and worried about what he was doing. Talk to him about it.

[redhearts]

I don't see why a guy who has a gf would go in a hot tub with half naked girls unless he just wants to have fun.

[Bunney]

I think you guys are making a way too big deal out of this. It's not like he went in the tub with JUST the girls and them being all over him.

 

I knew someone who also had a hot tub outside of his house, and sometimes when he was having a party, we would all get into the tub. Nothing sexual at all about it. And there was enough room for us not to have our bodies rubbing on eachother...

 

Also, these girls are his friends, so that's even more reason not to worry about it.. (if you're wondering why, take a minute to think about it)

[kaoticbaby]

i have an outdoor tub, and i've had groups of people in it before. trust me, nothing sexual has EVER gone on in that tub! yeah, i understand the whole stigma behind hottubs. girls in bikinis, hot water. but it's not like anything was going to happen with his friends sitting RIGHT next to him (hello, awkward??)

 

if i were you, i'd be more worried about why my boyfriend didn't stick up for me when his friends were talking about me.

[lady00]

I would be more worried that he did not tell off the so-called friends who insulted you. If any friend of mine insults my bf, you'd better believe we would have words. I would not stand by and let that happen without giving the "friend" a piece of my mind. Then again, my friends would never do that because they know that it crosses a line.

 

As for getting in the hot tub with girls at a party...not really something I would worry about. It's just a bunch of people in bathing suits I'm guessing...no big deal.

[shikashika]

i wouldn't worry about the hot tub... i think that's no big deal.. I'd worry about his friends insulting you...but not the hottub

 

I've gone to topless beaches with male friends, so i hardly think that a hot tub with bathing suits is anything to be worried about/.

[linna]

Thanks everyone for your helpful posts.

 

I was just trying to think of exactly why this whole scenario bothered me.

 

The fact that he went over to see this group of friends in the first place turned me off right away, that's for sure. There are about...12 of them total, I would say. Anyway, a while back, one of his "friends" said a really rude anti-female type comment with only me and some guys (including my boyfriend) in the room. My boyfriend just sat there and did nothing about it. Another time, when my boyfriend wasn't in the room, another one of his friends made a type of smart-a** statement when I was simply expressing my thoughts on something that was really personal. I told my boyfriend about it, and he seemed to get a little mad (I think?), but he never did anything about it.

 

Despite these problems (and there have been a few others here and there), my boyfriend still sees these two people and the larger group of friends that they're all a part of. I'm still angry about him not standing up for me, and he has admitted that he was wrong, but he still has not done anything about it and he just keeps telling me that I hold grudges for too long. So, I didn't want to go to this party with him. I didn't want to see these people.

 

One strange thing about this group of friends is that...well, some of them are more than "friends." A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and others were all at this party (none of them being my boyfriend or the two idiots I mentioned before). A previously dated B, who cheated on A. A is now dating C. D dated E but they are now ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. The same is true for F and G. In all cases, I believe, it was a matter of friends becoming more than friends. So, I guess it's possible that my boyfriend might make one of his "friends" more than just a friend. Another weird fact is that H dated some outside person at one point (let's call her J), and they then broke up. J then (almost right after the break-up) dated A. To make things even a little more strange, J is known to be quite a bit of a sl*t and A had sex with her not long after H did. Also, before I dated my boyfriend, J would apparently "tease" the boys in the group by doing stupid things like putting the remote control into her bra and "inviting" the guys to touch her boobs with their feet. My (dumb?) boyfriend admitted to doing this...once, I think, but it might have been more often. He keeps arguing that it's the typical male thing to do. In fact, that's his response to almost everything he does.

 

Anyway, in a long-winded sort of way, I wanted to say that this group of friends is...odd. There's definitely a lot of sexuality mixed in there, either current, past or both. I really do wonder what he was doing in that hot tub and I can't figure out why he would still hang out with those two idiots.

[annie24]

it sounds like he still relates to them, on one level or another. are you guys talking about marriage? how is the rest of the relationship?

[ghost69]

I don't see why a guy who has a gf would go in a hot tub with half naked girls unless he just wants to have fun.

 

for reals? *shakes head*

 

what is the big deal. it's a social thing to do. hot tubs are great in winter. did the clothing come off? did they kiss, touch, etc? then it might be a problem.

 

so because it's a hot tub it's different? what if it was summer and a pool? pfft. no logic here.

[girl68]

I'll be honest, I wouldn't like it not one bit.

 

I would only get doubts if I didn't trust him in the first place. Kind of sounds like you don't have good reason to trust him...

 

If I did trust him here's why I wouldn't like it: as unrealistic it is I don't ever want my man to see a half naked/ naked girl ever again. I'd be jealous over the thought he might think one of them is hot, sexy or pretty. If I trusted him, there is no doubt that he will act on any of these feelings if they occur but I wouldn't like it.

[ghost69]

I don't see why a guy who has a gf would go in a hot tub with half naked girls unless he just wants to have fun.

 

I'll be honest, I wouldn't like it not one bit.

 

I would only get doubts if I didn't trust him in the first place. Kind of sounds like you don't have good reason to trust him...

 

If I did trust him here's why I wouldn't like it: as unrealistic it is I don't ever want my man to see a half naked/ naked girl ever again. I'd be jealous over the thought he might think one of them is hot, sexy or pretty. If I trusted him, there is no doubt that he will act on any of these feelings if they occur but I wouldn't like it.

 

what is all this half naked nonsense? bathing suits or underwear is too naked for you guys? i'm dumbfounded at some responses here.

[girl68]

what is all this half naked nonsense? bathing suits or underwear is too naked for you guys? i'm dumbfounded at some responses here.

 

Did you even read what I wrote? AS UNREALISTIC... blah blah blah... I KNOW!

 

How can you make fun of my response just becasue it is different from yours. I do not agree with readhearts, it was all in fun. But I am allowed to blissfully wish such and unrealistic this as long as I keep in mind it is just that!

 

FYI, there are guys who don't like the idea of their girl hanging around half naked guys. Just becasue you aren't one of them doesn't mean he/she/we are crazy!

[Eveylyn]

First i would question why he continued to go without you, especially since you asked him not to go. i wouldn't worry to much about ABCDEFGHIJKLMONP thing.....some circles, everyone has slept with everyone (come to my circle....its disgusting...advice: date outside the circles!!!!)

 

boys will be boys though.....but it sounds like he's young.....you'll have to ask yourself is he worth it? the hot tub was probably innocent. its the other stuff, i would want answers to.

 

why doesn't he stand up for you? why does he continue to do things that hurts you? why does he go to party's without you? why does he not seem to care when they talk about you? get answers to these questions!!!!!

[ghost69]

Did you even read what I wrote? AS UNREALISTIC... blah blah blah... I KNOW!

 

How can you make fun of my response just becasue it is different from yours. I do not agree with readhearts, it was all in fun. But I am allowed to blissfully wish such and unrealistic this as long as I keep in mind it is just that!

 

FYI, there are guys who don't like the idea of their girl hanging around half naked guys. Just becasue you aren't one of them doesn't mean he/she/we are crazy!

 

when did i make fun of your response? i said i was dumbfounded as i didn't understand what the big deal was.

[hiphop3]

i wouldn't be worried at all. it's a hot tub, males and females enjoy them, and have to be in bathing suits to be in them. big deal. it's a hot tub.

[savignon]

I have to admit that I don't get some of the responses referring to nakedness, either. The OP said, "got in a hot tub with some casual friends"....nothing about nudity, kissing, flirting....sitting in hot water with your casual friends doesn't seem remotely inappropriate to me

[girl68]

when did i make fun of your response? i said i was dumbfounded as i didn't understand what the big deal was.

 

your original post sure made it sound like you meant it in a demeaning and mocking sort of way.

[bulletproof]

your original post sure made it sound like you meant it in a demeaning and mocking sort of way.

 

I disagree that there was a demeaning and mocking tone. He is pointing out that it's illogical to suggest that being in a bathing suit/underwear at the beach or in a pool is any different than being in a hot tub in the same outfit.

 

In my town, I think people would laugh at me if I suggested being in a hot tub with *any* clothes on. People are pretty comfortable being naked and nobody's bf or gf would care. It's all up to you to decide what is going to make you uncomfortable- it's not necessarily a given that this would upset you.

 

Regarding this particular situation, it sounds like this particular group of people is what's bothering you, not the actual hot tub scenario. You may have to make peace with them at some point if you expect this relationship to continue.

[HeartBrokn]

I think you guys are making a way too big deal out of this. It's not like he went in the tub with JUST the girls and them being all over him.

 

I knew someone who also had a hot tub outside of his house, and sometimes when he was having a party, we would all get into the tub. Nothing sexual at all about it. And there was enough room for us not to have our bodies rubbing on eachother...

 

Also, these girls are his friends, so that's even more reason not to worry about it.. (if you're wondering why, take a minute to think about it)

 

 

I agree, now if these gatherings are turning into hot orgys then maybe you should start to get suspicious. Nah I wouldn't worry about it.

[Shyguy24]

Hot tub with gals and guys , thats no big deal. If there were only naked sexy chicks , then i would be worried.