happyhappyme Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Curious as to how men feel about women keeping their last name when they marry. My partner has expressed that it's a deal breaker for him - he simply won't marry unless the woman takes his last name. I know a lot of my guy friends also feel this way... none of them seem to have a reason as to why it's a deal breaker, "it just is". I personally want to keep my last name, so I'm wondering if anyone has any insight about why some guys think it's such a big deal? Link to comment
hers Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Pride? Not letting their name die with them? I'm keeping my last name, unless his is further up in the alphabet than mine (which starts with a B). That's seriously my only reason for changing it. Link to comment
rosephase Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I would keep my last name to. I think the male thing might be a bit of an old fashion thing. Keeping the family name alive. I don't any men who have said it's a deal breaker, but I know a lot of women who don't want to change there last name. Link to comment
laisla Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 the kids almost always keep their father's names...so what's the deal... Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 i think in this day and age - it can be really impractical. especially someone who marries later in life - and they have already established their career. and then you have to change your name?! hyphenating is another way to go. i think at 20 years old, it's not such a big deal - but imagine you are 40 years old and have a thriving career, and then people are like, 'who is Jen Smith?!?!?' Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 If i married and planned on having kids i take the guys last name no brainer. I did that with my ex husband and father of my children. Second time around i kind of wish i had not changed my name. It was a huge inconvenience and i still have different names lying around on different accounts. There was no real reason to change it. If i did it all over again, i would not. But my thing is if one is planning on children it is easier for parents to have same last name and since tradition is the woman takes the man's last name i would do that just to eliminate argument and confusion. LOL Link to comment
happyhappyme Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 the kids almost always keep their father's names...so what's the deal... Yeah, I would be perfectly fine with any chilren I had taking their father's name, so it's not like his family line would be at risk of ending. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 If i did it all over again, i would not. But my thing is if one is planning on children it is easier for parents to have same last name and since tradition is the woman takes the man's last name i would do that just to eliminate argument and confusion. LOL it's funny - my boss told me something similar. she says it's easier in certain circumstances, like if her and her family are traveling or checking in somewhere, they just have to say, 'the smith family' instead of 'bob smith, jane johnson, billy smith and sally smith'. Link to comment
mrmaximum Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Simply becasue of history, Little boys grow up seeing this to they think this is the natural progression. It can be bothersome to some men and yes, deal breakers to others. My BIL was like this so I can see where they are coming from. However, times have changed and your identity has just as much to do with your surname as it does with your first, men and women alike. If you feel strongly about keeping your last name, then you should keep it, bottom line. However, don't dismiss his ideas as 'old fashioned' and 'he should just get over it'. Men can see that as hurtful. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 i'm curious why he views it as a 'deal breaker?' maybe he thinks it shows you are not committed to him? but surely you can show him other ways you are committed in.... Link to comment
happyhappyme Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 i'm curious why he views it as a 'deal breaker?' maybe he thinks it shows you are not committed to him? but surely you can show him other ways you are committed in.... I don't personally understand the issues behind it, but one of the reasons he gave was that it would be like I was flaunting around town as an unwed woman, even though I'd been married. He also suggested that it would be like the marriage was a sham. It felt to me like he had particular issue with not being able to brand me as his. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 well, if you are wearing a big old wedding ring with a huge rock, i don't think anyone will think you are unmarried!!!! what if you got a tattoo above your privates that said, "Property of Bobby" - would that make him feel better? i'd try to figure out the reasons behind why he feels that way - and try to understand that better. but if you guys aren't getting married, then the point is moot. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 well, if you are wearing a big old wedding ring with a huge rock, i don't think anyone will think you are unmarried!!!! what if you got a tattoo above your privates that said, "Property of Bobby" - would that make him feel better? i'd try to figure out the reasons behind why he feels that way - and try to understand that better. but if you guys aren't getting married, then the point is moot. The reasons are probably stoiac and traditional. Some people have these ideals and expectations that are based solely on 'the way it should be". If this is how he is there will likely be little reasoning about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 hmmm..... which makes me wonder if he would feel that way the rest of the marriage...... Link to comment
happyhappyme Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 While we aren't getting married, the possibility of it happening in future was how this whole topic came to see light. I'm just curious as to why a lot of men (at least that I know) find this to be possibly the most important tradition? I don't think it shows that you are less devoted, or anything of the sort. Link to comment
hers Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I don't personally understand the issues behind it, but one of the reasons he gave was that it would be like I was flaunting around town as an unwed woman, even though I'd been married. He also suggested that it would be like the marriage was a sham. It felt to me like he had particular issue with not being able to brand me as his. Tell him in that case he has to take your name and you'll take his. That way you will both be obviously married. Link to comment
annie24 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Tell him in that case he has to take your name and you'll take his. That way you will both be obviously married. lol, i like this!!!!! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Tell him in that case he has to take your name and you'll take his. That way you will both be obviously married. Ha Nameswaps! So much more harmless than partner swaps! LOL I like it! LOL Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 i think in this day and age - it can be really impractical. especially someone who marries later in life - and they have already established their career. and then you have to change your name?! hyphenating is another way to go. i think at 20 years old, it's not such a big deal - but imagine you are 40 years old and have a thriving career, and then people are like, 'who is Jen Smith?!?!?' That's exactly why I hyphenated my name. I also felt that my name was part of my identity and culture. I've had a very Italian last name all of my life....and then once married I would suddenly switch to a French name- it just didn't feel like "me". Our son has my husband's last name and I send out our invitations and Christmas cards with address labels that say "The ________ Family" But at work or in personal/individual correspondence I usually use my maiden name- for legal or official purposes I am my hyphenated name. so I'm wondering if anyone has any insight about why some guys think it's such a big deal? My husband didn't really like me hyphenating because he was worried about what "people" in his family would think. (Most of them are not very modern or with the times in the way they think) I think with time he realized how common it is for any woman with an established career to hold on to her name, and he felt more comfortable. Link to comment
lost1607307474 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I think it is a total matter of preference, and I see nothing wrong with either way one chooses to decide. Personally, when I get married, I would like to take my (male) partner's name. I like it better than my current one, and plus when I have kids and start a family I would like us all to have the same, un-confusing surname. Mothers with different names to their children and long hyphenated names can become very exhausting and confusing. I know plenty of women who have gone through name changes in life due to marriage and not had a problem with them. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Curious as to how men feel about women keeping their last name when they marry. My partner has expressed that it's a deal breaker for him - he simply won't marry unless the woman takes his last name. I know a lot of my guy friends also feel this way... none of them seem to have a reason as to why it's a deal breaker, "it just is". I personally want to keep my last name, so I'm wondering if anyone has any insight about why some guys think it's such a big deal? Yeah I'd be offended too. Wouldn't marry otherwise. Very important. Link to comment
redhearts Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I think the only real reason is kids. So the parents have the same last name as the kids do. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 My bf says it is a deal breaker, and I say fine. I don't want to get married and he kind of sheepishly smiles when I tell him that at least I'm full-blooded German and he is a Heinz 57 mix. Does that not give my name more value? Honestly, any guy who thinks that antiquated had better get with the 21st century! We are not property and we have our own names, thank you very much! My son has his dad's last name and I was fine with that. I never changed my name to my ex's and any girl would have had my last name. It can be worked out if both parties are mature adults. Link to comment
lost1607307474 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Yeah I'd be offended too. Wouldn't marry otherwise. Very important. Why? As thejigsup said, "We are not property and we have our own names, thank you very much!" Link to comment
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