Caught between a rock & a very hard place

[ay0_x]

I've posted threads before about my problems with my current boyfriend. In a nutshell:

 

*We have great physical and sexual chemistry

*We don't have much in common and so our conversation always turns into "deep and meaningful"'s or we start to fight or we talk about sex.

*We've been together a year.. a very hard year

*Romantically, I'm very giving and he's.. not. He's not selfish by any means but it kinda sucks that he doesn't do anything special for anniversary/birthday (I've spent about a grand on presents for him..)

*Our values & plans for the future do not match. at all.

 

For example, he wants kids of his own.. I want to adopt. He wants a conservative way of life- to be the breadwinner, to be religious, to be strict on his kids and wife. I don't.

 

And now..

 

I've met someone else, on the internet. I'm not cheating, not emotionally not physically. But I've met someone who I get along with, very well. Someone who I'm talking to like I've known them for years. Someone who is probably interested in me as more than a friend.

 

I really do not know what to do. I love my boyfriend, at least I think I do. But all this is confusing.

 

Advice?

[elizmdavis]

Well, just sounds like you are wanting a bond with someone that goes far beyond sex. That is mature!! You are realizing that there is more to a solid relationship that just sex and physical attraction. TRUST, RESPECT and COMMUNICATION go way deeper into the heart and mind than does physical pleasure. You aren't married to the person, so if you know that you want more in a partner...go out there and find it! Just be sure about what you want!!

[Sparkly Eyes]

what do you mean by deep and meaningfuls?

 

Well to answer your question, first two people can be compatible online but not in person, yes it is true, ppl are not necessarily who they really are online and not just because of that, till you meet a person and start to know him personally you can never be sure of anything. I say that because of mine and other's personal experience! But if you are wondering if there is a better person for you out there I guess the answer is yes, it probably is!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What is it that you love about your boyfriend? From what you wrote it sounds like you two have completely different value systems and expectations from a relationship. That does not make for a good future. The new guy is irrelevant to this equation. Your decision should be based on your current relationship, not on a potential maybe right around the corner. Sort this one out first and forget about the other guy. Decide if there is enough to make the current relationship work or if it is time to go your separate ways. Love does not conquer all...not if there is nothing much in common and there are opposite values and expectations.

 

I would also say that spending a grand on someone in the space of a year is very excessive even if you can afford it. It would be very hard for a partner to be able to match that kind of gift giving.

[HeartGoesOn]

If you're talking to someone on the internet, and hiding it from your "SO", that's not physically cheating, but it sure is emotional cheating.

 

It sounds like you two are not on the same page, as to values, and what you would like in the future. Also, if you two only have a physical, and sexual attraction, and without a true emotional connection, it won't go far, or last long.

 

Before getting too involved with this "internet attraction", you need to make a choice before someone gets hurt. You can't have them both.

 

Take care...

[ay0_x]

We've been through a lot of hard things together. There isn't one thing I love about him. It's kinda hard not to love someone when you're together for a while and you pull each other through a lot of sticky situations.

 

By deep and meaningfuls I mean we always end up talking about love, feelings etc. Which is fine, but excessively it gets old.

 

As for the grand in gifts.. I'm not expecting it to be matched. But a card or a sweet gesture would be really nice here and there.

[Sparkly Eyes]

can you have some examples of these hard and sticky situations?

[ay0_x]

If you're talking to someone on the internet, and hiding it from your "SO", that's not physically cheating, but it sure is emotional cheating.

 

It sounds like you two are not on the same page, as to values, and what you would like in the future. Also, if you two only have a physical, and sexual attraction, and without a true emotional connection, it won't go far, or last long.

 

Before getting too involved with this "internet attraction", you need to make a choice before someone gets hurt. You can't have them both.

 

Take care...

 

I don't plan to have them both. I've made that clear to the internet one. I'm not flirting by any means. I'm talking. Good ol' talking. Not hiding it from my SO, my SO talks to other girls, I have no problem with that. If my SO was to ask, I'd record my conversations with my internet friend and let him listen. We don't talk about anything inappropriate. We just get along incredibly well.

[ay0_x]

can you have some examples of these hard and sticky situations?

 

Problems with my parents + running away from home, a lot of mental support.

 

Problems with his grades + depression, a lot of mental support on my part.

[Sparkly Eyes]

oh I think I read your post wrong, I thought you said you pushed each other into sticky situations!

 

Anyways, two persons can love each other and go through a lot with each other but don't be a match for future. Also, you two seem to be very young still. So your values and thoughts may change overtime, they may become more or less similar.

[elizmdavis]

Problems with my parents + running away from home, a lot of mental support.

 

Problems with his grades + depression, a lot of mental support on my part.

 

At the time I am sure he was exactly what you needed. But people and their needs change too. Maybe the two of you have just hit a plateau. Have you communicated your needs with him? He seemed to know them before, but does he know them now? Is it even worth it to do so?

 

Be honest with yourself. If you are ready for something new, then you should go do it. The online thing is an unhealthy outlet in my opinion. That person could be giving you the attention that your current relationship is lacking. That is decietful to your SO. However it is not deceitful to want want new things for yourself. If this is what you are seeking...then just tell him.

[greywolf]

For example, he wants kids of his own.. I want to adopt. He wants a conservative way of life- to be the breadwinner, to be religious, to be strict on his kids and wife. I don't.

 

Unless you both can really compromise on this, I honestly don't see it working out. You both want different things in life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've met someone else, on the internet. I'm not cheating, not emotionally not physically. But I've met someone who I get along with, very well. Someone who I'm talking to like I've known them for years. Someone who is probably interested in me as more than a friend.

 

I don't plan to have them both. I've made that clear to the internet one. I'm not flirting by any means. I'm talking. Good ol' talking. Not hiding it from my SO, my SO talks to other girls, I have no problem with that. If my SO was to ask, I'd record my conversations with my internet friend and let him listen. We don't talk about anything inappropriate. We just get along incredibly well.

 

Talking with someone on the internet can be very innocent...HOWEVER, the minute talking to someone on the internet leads to bells going off in the head that you match this internet person more than your boyfriend and you start re-thinking your relationship...then it is time to end the internet chatter because that is hitting the cheating zone. It is no longer innocent...you say this guy is probably interested in you more than just friendship and you are now wondering about your relationship with your boyfriend. The train has now left the station...to stop that train you need to stop talking to internet guy and start focusing on what you want to do about your boyfriend.

[ay0_x]

Talking with someone on the internet can be very innocent...HOWEVER, the minute talking to someone on the internet leads to bells going off in the head that you match this internet person more than your boyfriend and you start re-thinking your relationship...then it is time to end the internet chatter because that is hitting the cheating zone. It is no longer innocent...you say this guy is probably interested in you more than just friendship and you are now wondering about your relationship with your boyfriend. The train has now left the station...to stop that train you need to stop talking to internet guy and start focusing on what you want to do about your boyfriend.

 

I've been re-thinking about my relationship for a very long time now.

[PJPaul]

I too, believe that you should stop talking to the internet guy. Your on a slippery slope and before you know it your gonna find yourself in it deep. If your boyfriend found out he would be hurt. How would you feel you caught him doing the very thing you are. I do believe that you should maturely think about your relationship. What you want from it. Where you want it to go and why you found this new guy more interesting then then your boyfriend. Then you and him need to sit down and have a mature conversation on the thinks that you disagree on and the things you are unhappy with in the relationship.

 

Its should be pretty clear by then but don't rush it. Take your time to think about the situation and why you feel the way you do

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've been re-thinking about my relationship for a very long time now.

 

If that's the case then talking to internet guy is not that innocent...you were looking for someone who you can relate to better than your partner. There are lots of women you can chat with on the internet about all kinds of stuff...but you have chosen to chat with a man...you have chosen this path and you are indeed cheating on your partner. If you were re-thinking your relationship for a long time then you should have ended things with your boyfriend before entertaining the notion of chatting with a man online.

[ay0_x]

If that's the case then talking to internet guy is not that innocent...you were looking for someone who you can relate to better than your partner. There are lots of women you can chat with on the internet about all kinds of stuff...but you have chosen to chat with a man...you have chosen this path and you are indeed cheating on your partner. If you were re-thinking your relationship for a long time then you should have ended things with your boyfriend before entertaining the notion of chatting with a man online.

 

I don't talk to women, period. I don't get along with women. I know how you could consider talking to another guy cheating, but neither I nor my partner would consider it so. My partner also talks to other women- he doesn't talk to other guys at all. It's how we are. We don't put boundaries on talking.

[greywolf]

If that's the case then talking to internet guy is not that innocent...you were looking for someone who you can relate to better than your partner. There are lots of women you can chat with on the internet about all kinds of stuff...but you have chosen to chat with a man...you have chosen this path and you are indeed cheating on your partner. If you were re-thinking your relationship for a long time then you should have ended things with your boyfriend before entertaining the notion of chatting with a man online.

 

I'm not entirely sure, but I remember the OP saying once that she is bi.

[ay0_x]

I'm not entirely sure, but I remember the OP saying once that she is bi.

 

Yeah. I am.