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In Love with My Best Friend


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I am a single woman; independent, educated, very attractive, with a career I love and friends I adore and who adore me. For the most part I am very happy with my life and wouldn’t change a thing, except I am in love with my best friend and am conflicted about what to do about it.


I have known my friend R for over 13 years, we met after he tried to date me in high school. I instinctively knew although only 16 or so at the time that R was a good guy, I also knew I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship at that time. I politely declined his offer to date but we maintained our friendship throughout the years and R became an important part of my life. He always helped me out when I was in a jam, or gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed one. He was the one who picked me up when my car broke down and the one I called when a man’s touch was needed around the house. I’ve known about four years now that what I was beginning to feel for R was more than a platonic friendship. The last two years have been especially difficult because now that I am financial stable and content in my career, I am ready to settle down. Unfortunately, I constantly compare any potential suitor to R and they always fall short.


I decided to tell R how I felt about him earlier this year, unfortunately he had some news for me as well. Before I could tell him anything he told me he had a baby or the way, my heart physically hurt from the news. He didn’t seem happy about it and said despite protection he had a little girl on the way. He was happy about the baby just not about the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. He’s one of those guys who wanted to be married first, he is and has always been a family man. He says he’s not in love with the mother but I know he’ll treat her and the baby like queens because that’s how he is. The mother wants to get married but he says he won’t marry her because while he loves her he’s not in love with her. He also thinks she’s more in love with the idea of marriage and not necessarily with him. His baby is now 3 months old and he’s an incredible father and so far I’ve kept my feelings to myself.


Its getting harder and harder to maintain a friendship with him because of the strong feelings I have for him, but I want to respect his family. This is not a simple crush, I am completely and utterly in love with this man! Please help me!! What do I do? Should I tell him how I feel? or continue to act like I always have (like a good friend)?




Heartbroken and confused in NYC

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Look, if I were you I would tell him.

You could also help him to fight for at least partial custody of this child.

If you do tell him and he is also in love with you, then you need to support him and help him fight to be a great father without ending up married to the wrong person. He will respect you for this.

Just be honest with him.

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Props to him for not marrying just because he had a child with someone. That is really good to hear. If anything you don't want to come as a home wrecker. It is a little too late for you and you have no idea how he feels for you. There may be some way to tell him without expecting him to be with you.

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I would suggest you stop idealizing this guy as the perfect man. By doing so, you are making the situation harder on yourself because you believe there is no other man out there for you. You never actually dated the guy and now find yourself comparing all potential suitors to what you think it would be like in a relationship with R. Realize that you're doing this and stop doing it.


I'm sorry if you don't agree with this. But, if you are insistent that you aren't just in love with the "fantasy" of R, then I suggest you tell him how you feel, and let the chips fall where they may.

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You didn't know he was dating somebody?


Had you grown distant at any point during the years? How come you never showed interest in him before now? I am sure you were ready for a relationship at some point during those thirteen years. Why now?


I disagree with the original poster. I personally think it is wrong to interfere in a relationship. I also don't think he will marry her.


LC him, and stay away for now. When he is single you can make your feelings known.

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks for all the responses, I have seriously considered them all. We have maintained contact through out the years, but not like we normally would when we were single (ie. I was in a 5 year relationship that ended with a broken off engagement and my ex-fiance wasn't comfortable with our friendship, hanging out, ect. when he was in relationships, his females weren't comfortable with our friendship). We always maintained contact via phone, we just didn't hang out as much physically when either one of us was in a relationship (we saw each other on birthdays, holidays, and once in a while during the summer but that's about it).


So yes I was aware he was dating (as was I), I just didn't anticipate him having a child with someone (nor did he). Since his relationships didn't seem to be too serious I thought I always had time to express myself, but it seems I waited too long:sad:


As to why I waited 13 years, I didn't fully accept the extent of my feelings until about 2 years ago and then I didn't know how to tell him ](*,)


I have decided to leave well enough alone, and although it physically pains me to have to keep these feelings to myself; I know he adores his little girl and will do everything in his power to keep his family together.


So I will (im)patiently wait for his relationship to resolve, to approach him.

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