The mistresses lover

[manny42]

I have been seeing this girl that is the mistress of a guy in the navy. He lives in another state and is still married, but the marriage is a shamble and the only thing keeping him from divorcing her is the fear of been perceived as a failure for not making it work. He and his mistress (the girl I've been seeing) have deep feelings for each other. Now I step into the picture, this girl and I (the mistress) start seeing each other, and both agreed within the first 3 meetings that we feel like we've known each other for a life time. Before going too far in to the relationship she told me about her situation with him and I as okay with that, believing that she was worth the risk of getting my heart broken. Now I have deep feelings for her, and she has deep feelings for me as well. She is stuck between choosing to be with me or him. He has kept her in the shadows and she hates that, however they have been in love for a very long time. We've been dating only a little over a month but I can honestly see myself getting married and having kids with her (and she feels the same way) yet she sees that with him to. I know this is all really confusing, thus why I am asking for some advice. Should I step aside and sacrifice my own heart for her? Should I stick with it and hope that she chooses me, knowing that there is a good possibility I will get further attached and have my heart demolished? Could someone please lend some helping words to a very distraught young man? Thank you for your help.

[hockeyboy]

do you really love her or have lust for her? she doesn't sound like she's ready/mature enough for a serious situation.

[manny42]

do you really love her or have lust for her? she doesn't sound like she's ready/mature enough for a serious situation.

I am not sure how to distinguish the two. I think about her constantly, and we've not gone more than 6 hours (except while sleeping) without communicating since the beginning of November. Like I said, It feels like we've known each other for a life time. I've never felt so comfortable around another person in my life (my family included). I have met, and hung out with her family on about 5 occasions now, and she has met mine several times too. She has been totally open with my btw, I feel like she has not held anything back and we have talked about all of this and gone over things.

[Catdancer]

Sticky situation....but from an outsider's point of view it's pretty clear. She has no future with a married man who will not leave his wife. If she were truly "in love" with you, she would end things with him and have a life with you. It sounds like he provides her with something that makes her feel safe. Until she can be sure that she will get that same thing from you, she probably wont end things with him. You and she should sit down and really talk about this whole situation and where you see it going. See if she is willing to end things with him and have a life with you.

[unabashed]

I think I'd pull back and ask her to make herself completely available, 100%, to you before continuing. I realize that you probably won't do this, but I think if you want to know what kind of future you might have, this is necessary. Unless you are really OK with a girlfriend who leads a double life with someone else who is leading a double life. She may not be lying to you (or she may be), but she is definitely deceiving her lover and his family. She sounds like someone who is afraid to take on life, and is willing to live in the shadows. Is that what you want?

[Botched]

My policy was always this: If you do not WANT to be with me then you don't want to be with me. If she has to make a choice then I make it easy and remove myself.

 

That gets sticky eventually...but for your spot it's golden.

[manny42]

but she is definitely deceiving her lover and his family. She sounds like someone who is afraid to take on life, and is willing to live in the shadows. Is that what you want?

 

He knows about me. He has said that he would step aside if she knew I would make her happy. Several members of her family know the situation as well. I am afraid if I step back then that will be then end of us, she will chose him. She said she is going to make a decision one way or another very soon because she can't do this to He and I and herself anymore. She is actually getting an ulcer from this. She feels so guilty about being the other woman and being in the shadows. I guess it makes it harder on her that he and I both just want her to be happy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This woman has major issues within herself that she needs to sort out before she is ready for any kind of healthy relationship. She has issues with loyalty...she feels no loyalty and doesn't seem to respect loyalty. She has no problem being a mistress and how that scene impacts this guy's wife. Yes, most people who cheat on their spouse also make claims that their marriage is a mess...yet they never actually seem to leave their spouse. So the woman you claim to love has no problems latching on to someone else's husband...nor does she have a problem being with "loving" two men at the same time. I wonder how many other men she is speaking words of love to. I would walk away from this woman and look for someone with better morals and values.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

She is cheating on him with you, or cheating on you with him. Do you think she can actually be monogamous or, if she chose you, do you think that you would be able to trust her fully? Whatever the level of complication of the situation, this girl has got issues and she needs to work those out. And you deserve better.

 

Who is in the shadows right now? You are. These two have eachother and you have anguish. If you leave her, she'll cling to him, but isn't that what she's doing now? You're the one getting shafted here.

[manny42]

The guy's wife moved to another state to make more money rather than be with him. She has known him for a very long time, and he helped her through a very traumatic experience when she was in high school. Like I said, it is tearing her apart right now. She said she plans on spending the rest of her life with the one she chooses. She is afraid to choose him because he is possibly going to try to work things out with his wife, which would leave her alone. Also, if it did work out with them she would have to move very far away from her family and family is one of the most important things to her. She has admitted to being with other guys and dating other guys, however she said that only he and I make her feel safe, loved, desired, and needed. She has told me many times that I deserve better than her, and that she is a terrible person for doing what she is doing. They were friends first and it accedentlaly developed into more. She also brought up that she is afraid I would not be able to trust her with him if she chose me, as she wants to maintain a friendship with him because their bond is so strong.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

She has admitted to being with other guys and dating other guys, however she said that only he and I make her feel safe, loved, desired, and needed. She has told me many times that I deserve better than her, and that she is a terrible person for doing what she is doing. They were friends first and it accedentlaly developed into more. She also brought up that she is afraid I would not be able to trust her with him if she chose me, as she wants to maintain a friendship with him because their bond is so strong.

 

IE she doesn't want to give ANYTHING up. She's got you and then she's got a spare, in case you don't work out.

 

She wants to spend the rest of her life with whomever she chooses? OH yippy skippy. Those are empty words. She can't even make a choice right now.

 

Here is a good exercise you can think about in private that might help you. Imagine one day that she chooses. She chooses you over him. Now imagine what happens that day? What happens while she maintains her 'friendship' with him? Will you feel like you need to lay down rules, like 'no meeting alone with your 'friend''? Will you feel that you need to keep an eye on her? What will you life with her and her friendship with him look like, day to day, month to month, year to year? Be brutally honest.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

OH yippy skippy

LOL. I will have to remember that one!

 

Good post by TheSmilingTurnip. This woman is absolutely right when she says the following:

She has told me many times that I deserve better than her, and that she is a terrible person for doing what she is doing.

. Listen to those words...she is telling you exactly the kind of person she is...she knows full well that what she is doing is rotten to the core but she is hoping to play on everyone's heartstrings. You deserve so much better...this woman is a loser.

[flgirl777]

This is a really tricky situation. I honestly think that its a little too risky of a situation. I personally wouldn't put myself so far out there, in fear of getting my heart broken (having been there many times in the past.) I would possibly distance myself from the mistress & just remain friends (if thats possible) & talk from time to time.. until she is completely free & ready to be with you. & if not then you atleast will not have put yourself any more on the line. good luck to you