Tonight I totally crossed the line...

[Seymore]

I consider myself a very calm person. I'm always the one calming others down when they get angry, and it's always been that way. My girlfriend of 15 months is the type to get upset if she even thinks someone is looking at her funny. I usually either calm her down or mind my business. She often has an attitude with me - sometimes justified, often times not. Either way, I'm learning to stick up for myself if I feel it's too much of an attitude.

 

Well, tonight I lost it. We were about to start making love. I had just given her an oil massage and we started kissing. After 5 minutes, her hands stopped moving around my body and her kisses got fainter. I could see she wasn't into it. I asked what was wrong and she said she was trying to get into it, and that it wasn't like it was when we did it last night. The mood got a little "broken" there, and I rolled off of her because I wasn't feeling like it anymore either, so I just held her. She thought I was mad at her, so she asked in a snippy attitude "Are we going to fight about this or are we going to try to do it again?" I got angry with her immediate attitude about it, and said in somewhat of an attitude back: "I'm not fighting with you". She grabbed my hand that was laying on her stomach, and threw it off of me like I just insulted her mother. Then she got up like to say "forget it" and I pushed her from behind as she was getting off the bed - it wasn't a shove and I didn't knock her to the floor or anything (not that it makes it ok), but I was so angry with her immediate snotty attitude. We were having the best day and it just went to hell. It was almost a reflex, yet immediately after I was sorry I did it. I never did that before. She turned around and threw the lotion bottle at me and said "Take me home". I was shaking, I was so scared of myself. It completely wasn't me.

We had a talk and I apologized. She said it wasn't ok, but she understands how her attitude had a role in provoking me. She said that she knew me, and that it wasn't me, but if I did it again, she'll walk.

 

I'm trying to understand this...I'm just not that kind of person. Everyone knows me as the laid-back guy...but why this? Why now? I feel like such a monster

[a_far]

Although I understand your frustration, it's never okay to lay your hands on a woman. Just as it is never okay for a woman to lay her hands on man.

 

To me it just sounds like this is a "you can only push me so far before i crack" situation. And it's true in most cases, you can only push people so far and you can only bottle things up inside for so long.

 

I'd just take this as a lesson learned. Maybe try and express yourself more often so that way you don't let out this sort of anger. You have to be able to say what you feel no matter how it makes someone feel.

[DN]

You have posted about issues with this girl before about her teasing and attitude - I think it's time you broke up with her and found someone else. This just isn't working for you.

[hmdreamer7]

You're not a monster. Sounds like her bad attitude is starting to bring out the worst in you, and you decided to react in a physical way, which is not okay. But, is that the person you want to become, and is that the kind of person you want to be with? If so, then you'll just have to take it. If not, I think it best for both of you to sit down and tell her how her attitude is taking a toll on the relationship.

[Love_Music]

I think that your girlfriend has pushed you to your breaking point and it has made you open up your eyes to her behavior. I don't think you are a monster for standing up for yourself. I don't think pushing her was right, even though her attitude is what caused it either though.

 

If I were you, I would talk to her on a day where you are both calm and point out her attitude and how it makes you feel. When you are doing this, make sure you use "I feel" and "me" statements versus "you" statements. This will help make the conversation flow a LOT more smoothly and not make her feel as though you are criticizing her as much.

[Seymore]

You have posted about issues with this girl before about her teasing and attitude - I think it's time you broke up with her and found someone else. This just isn't working for you.

 

She genuinely realizes when she might be teasing now. Ever since, and without an attitude, she'll either stop herself at the right time or ask "I'm not sure if this is crossing the line, is it ok if I do this to you?" She is making the effort.

 

I think it best for both of you to sit down and tell her how her attitude is taking a toll on the relationship.

 

I just pushed her and now I'm supposed to tell her how it was her fault? Man, this is a sticky situation...

[JadedStar]

I agree with DN. I do not think you are a violent person, to the contrary, but she just sounds like a negative nelly who wAnts to find things to get upset about and it is taking its toll on you. She likely won't change, it would take a lot of wanting to change an attitude this engrained in the negative, so you can talk to her and gauge her response and if it isn't EXTREMELY positive for change have no shame if you want to leave her.

 

Her reasons for interrupting your love making was extremely childish. So what if it wasn't the exact same as the last time? Is she a child or a woman?

 

just pushed her and now I'm supposed to tell her how it was her fault? Man, this is a sticky situation

You absolultely CAN tell her that her attitude is making you feel like a man you are not. This isn't about blaming her for your push, it is about telling her that her attitude is not making this relationsihp fare in the best direction and that the negativity is starting to get to you in a way that you don't like. Saying it like this does not blame her for you pushing her, but it IS telling her that her attitude is having a negative impact on your relationship. Take full responsiblity for what yOU did, but also make her take full responsibility for what she did. This isn't about blame, this could be about compatiblity and how you don't feel like being the butt of someone's negative whims all the time. First you deal with all of her teasing (another negative component of her personality) and now the finding something dark in something light...

 

I am not a violent person either but my relationship with my first husband was getting to the point that i felt like i could blow up at any minute because he was always negative and always wanted to ruin days that were otherwise good. I realized it wasn't about blame anymore, it was time to get out of the situation because he would never have the type of attitude that wuold make me flourish and feel positive myself. I think positive people should try to be with positive people. IN this case I don't think a negative and positive mix well. Sometimes you get sick of being wtih a person who finds a problem with so many little things that COULD be viewed as good.

[amipushy]

I don't think your a monster either but I fear now that this has happened she will use it against you. This is passed any game and its turning into something bad. Take her home and leave her there, this hasnt got a happy ending.

[DN]

She genuinely realizes when she might be teasing now. Ever since, and without an attitude, she'll either stop herself at the right time or ask "I'm not sure if this is crossing the line, is it ok if I do this to you?" She is making the effort.

 

That's just another way of teasing and excusing herself in advance. And the latest incident was more of the same - getting involved in sexual activity and then turning it off and making it out it was your fault. She's manipulative and playing games for her own somewhat twisted reasons and it's time you put a stop to it.

[Seymore]

I don't think your a monster either but I fear now that this has happened she will use it against you. .

 

She can't use it against me. She's chastized me in the past for not letting things go and bringing them up later, so I have that argument should that come around, which it won't.

 

We had a talk and chalked it up to miscommunication. I told her that she had an attitude so I reacted and she said she didn't have oneand that if I perceived it that way then it was my issue. Then she said that I was getting upset with her because she wasn't feeling like having sex. So I told her that if she perceived it that way it was her issue. We had just had it the night before so I wouldn't have been let down if we didn't do it that night too.

 

Neither of us acted rationally, I know. But I don't want to leave her. People around us tell us how perfect we are for each other and how well we click. We've even inspired my parents to do more things together since my girlfriend and I do everything together. We set aside "us" time every weekend for a couple of hours by renting a movie and not running errands, etc., just to relax. My parents are doing the same thing now since I've told them about it. We've been through so much in the time we've been together and I don't want to throw that away, plus I have a tendency to blow the big opportunities in life and something inside of me says that were I to leave her, I'd follow that same pattern, and within another week I'd realize all the good things she does and that I'd made a big mistake.

[amipushy]

I've read your other posts and all I can say is that if I ever treated a man the way she treats you, then I would expect to be taken home and left.

 

I'm not sure what you want from your posts or you even like hearing the advice given by some of the wisest people on this site (myself not included btw)

 

But good luck with her immaturity, teasing, manipulation and projective behaviour and I hope she never makes you feel like a monster again.

[Seymore]

Please don't misunderstand me. I do appreciate what I am hearing, and a lot of it I have a hard time coming to grips with. I'm not posting to hear myself talk.

 

I just feel lost, almost. I don't know how to explain it...like I am being pulled in two directions. She is so sweet and can bring out the best in me, and she can be rotten and bring out the worst in me. I almost feel like were I to break it off I'd kill her inside. The side of her that she's shown me that no other girlfriend has - the way she'd go out of her way for me if I needed her, the way I can be a goof around her without her laughing at me, the way she does these little things to show she loves me...why on earth would I want to destroy that, or even that part of her? Yes, I know it's about me and my feelings and not hers, and that I need to worry about me first. I'm not afraid to be alone - I have plenty of hobbies that I could do and family and friends that would be there for me, but I love her, and I LIKE to share those things and experiences with her. We make a great team when we do things. Just the other week we gave a presentation to a classroom full of 100 kids to help her promote a book we created together. We really connected, and that's just one example.

 

Another example is how I don't make much money. She's ok with that. In fact, she looks up ways that we can go on a date and either spend very little or nothing at all. She doesn't judge me by what I can spend on her, she just loves that I love what I do and supports that, even if it doesn't make as much as what my peers make. If I haven't seen my family in a few days, she tells me to see them and reminds me that my family is important. She CAN be immature. On the other hand, she can be more mature than people twice her age (she's 23).

 

And that's not to make her a saint at all. We have moments like we had last night, the ones I usually post about where I don't feel heard all of a sudden or feel shut out. Some days we'll go out to eat and she'll just be silent and in tears for no apparent reason, to her knowledge or mine. She won't want to talk or anything. I have my days like this too, but some days I feel like she hears everything I'm saying and is so in tune with me, others I feel like she doesn't want to hear anything, or takes it as I'm blaming her. It's just so confusing....

[amipushy]

I've read most of your posts including the ex and the naked on the computer and I agree with other posters that she is a drama queen.

 

There is something going on with that girl that you don't know about. Mark my words.

[Seymore]

I've spent 80-90% of the time with her that I've been dating her. I think I know her better than just about anyone. I know about her past and the abuse she's been through. I know all about her family history, about her previous relationships...everything down to how she got the scar on her face when she was 8.

If there's anything I didn't know, I'd ask her and get a straight answer every time because she's honest like that.

 

Her past and the abuse doesn't justify anything, but if I am proud of anything it's that I stood up to her. Not in the way I should have, but for once I'm standing up for myself. If she pulls it again I will tell her to take anger management or else.

 

And the ex, she took care of that. The teasing...she's taking care of that. It's not like she just said "Oh well, deal with it".

[25thfloor]

she's bad for you. she's bringing all this negativity into your life, and she's pushing buttons. leave her.

[Seymore]

She's bad for me, yet because of her I've done things I never thought I could do - like take a 10-states-in-10-days road trip, ride a roller coaster (which I'd always been terrified of), illustrate a children's book...among other things. I've done more in the last year than I have in the last decade - things that I'm proud of - that I'd never have done had I not met her. But she's bad for me?

 

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate that anyone is even reading what I'm writing. This forum and its people are great. However, I feel like nobody is seeing or understanding my dilemma, like it's all bad and no good whatsoever, and that nobody sees any value in this relationship. But I know, nobody's lived through it but me so they can't make the decisions, only I can.

[25thfloor]

some of us give opinions based on experience. once you've crossed that line of kicking and throwing things...you will continue to battle like that...and it will get worse. trust me on that one.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Anytime an argument crosses to the physical (shoving/pushing/throwing things) you need get some counseling as a couple. Obviously you push each others buttons, and need to learn strategies for dealing with conflict that are successful rather than destructive.

 

So if you really want to stay with her, i suggest you get some couples counseling before your arguments start escalating into abuse that could get one or the other arrested.

[Seymore]

Well I for one will NEVER pull that again. I had a talk with my folks about it, and they told me to just walk away when she gets that attitude. My dad actually joked about it. I told him that she said "If you do that again, I'm walking". So my dad said "So you said ok and pushed her again?" with a laugh.

[lady00]

Anytime an argument crosses to the physical (shoving/pushing/throwing things) you need get some counseling as a couple. Obviously you push each others buttons, and need to learn strategies for dealing with conflict that are successful rather than destructive.

 

So if you really want to stay with her, i suggest you get some couples counseling before your arguments start escalating into abuse that could get one or the other arrested.

 

I agree with this 100%. It turned physical. You need to reevaluate and think whether or not this relationship is really healthy.

[lady00]

The other problem still remains: she has not stopped her teasing. Guaranteed that will tear you apart if she does not change. You have already talked to her about it. Honestly, I realize you really want to be with her, but how much are you going to take before you throw in the towel?

[Seymore]

I didn't consider that teasing.

 

We agreed not to spend money on each other for Christmas. I made her a stained glass angel and she made me a 4-course dinner. I had mentioned that I wanted her for dessert, and she felt that she had to fulfill my Christmas wish. She was trying to get in the mood, like I said - after a few minutes she just lost the feeling, that broke the mood, I subsequently lost the feeling and I got off of her. She took it as me being aggravated, but I wasn't. According to her, any time we start making out and are about to have sex and the mood gets killed - like her cat bites her or whatever, my demeanor changes and I get really quiet. Yes, I'm usually frustrated by that, and I think it's understandable. The reality is, I would've been perfectly happy snuggling with her instead.

 

She can't get into the mood sometimes, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes she starts it up, thinking it'll cause her to get in the mood more and she can't. I don't view that as teasing. When she brings up having sex, kisses me quick like she wants it and just ignores me after, or showing an exposed breast in my face, THAT I consider teasing beause she didn't have any desire to have sex in the first place. She stopped that since.

[lady00]

Well, tonight I lost it. We were about to start making love. I had just given her an oil massage and we started kissing. After 5 minutes, her hands stopped moving around my body and her kisses got fainter.

 

OK, well, to me that looks like teasing.

[DN]

OK, well, to me that looks like teasing.

Yep - me too. It's consistent with her previous actions just even more passive-aggressive.

[keith515]

I've been in your situation before. I'm very laid back and easy to get along with. But I've been with some exes that would push me to the point of fury that I didn't think I ever would get. THAT is not a good sign.

 

My last ex was great in many ways but horrible in others. I was always debating on whether I should stay with her by asking myself, "does the good outweigh the bad?" She too had a horrible past and all that crap. I'm realizing after reading posts like yours that whenever a female acts like that, there is something behind it. Does it justify it? Of course not, but I found myself more sympathetic because I know they went through a lot.

 

I asked what was wrong and she said she was trying to get into it, and that it wasn't like it was when we did it last night. The mood got a little "broken" there, and I rolled off of her because I wasn't feeling like it anymore either, so I just held her. She thought I was mad at her, so she asked in a snippy attitude "Are we going to fight about this or are we going to try to do it again?" I got angry with her immediate attitude about it, and said in somewhat of an attitude back: "I'm not fighting with you". She grabbed my hand that was laying on her stomach, and threw it off of me like I just insulted her mother.

In what happened that night, I wonder, how could you have reacted in order for her to not say what she did? If you kept trying, would that have made it happy? If you said, do you want to talk about it, would she have actually wanted to? It seems perfectly normal for you to roll over. She said she wasn't getting into it, so why keep trying? I could see how you felt, OK, I'll just lie here and hold her, no big deal. But when she said, are we going to fight about it and you weren't saying anything, is a serious distortion of reality on her part.

 

But the other option, 'are we going to try again?', (it sounds like she had an attitude when she said that), seems inconceivable. If she wasn't into it a second ago, why would it be different by trying again?

 

Just out of curiosity, has she mostly been in abusive relationships? Or date guys that are bad for every girl? Also, does she have any close relationship with any girlfriends?