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Sick of the yelling...

elizmdavis

By elizmdavis
in Relationship Advice

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elizmdavis Enthusiast

elizmdavis

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Been with him for over 3 years....he has been raging and yelling as a form of communication with me the whole time! He is a calm person until I try and talk with him about something I am feeling. Each time I have stood up for myself and made it clear that I will not stand to be yelled at. I am very calm with him (mostly because I don't want him to yell at me) and I also try to neutralize the anger by saying things like "I'll be happy to talk when you are calm"..then I leave the room. To his credit, he has tried being the "calm communicator" that I've asked him to be. But that only lasts so long, yunno? He resorts back to yelling and belittling my feelings. But I put up with it for so long, so what is wrong with me? I have been yelled at my whole life, by every man...and I know that I just WILL NOT have it anymore, I will not live like this the rest of my life. I even split from him in November because of the yelling and other things. We worked things out and now it's back to same ol'.

Well today he of course turned a mole hill into a mountain and starting screaming his words at me. He was screaming so loud and so much that I could not get a word in edgewise. I LOST IT. I stood up and screamed "What the H*** is wrong with you?!?!? Get the F*** out of my house!!!" I threw his stuff out the door, told him to get the F out again and then as he walked passed me I gave him a shove and slammed the door shut.

 

I have never, ever, reacted this way to him before. Ever.

 

My emotions about my reaction are very conflicting. Part of me is relieved that I did this and gave him a taste of his own medicine. But, a bigger part of me is ashamed that I resorted to this it's just not me. This is not good. I refuse to do it again. Why did I react this way???

 

I am just so sick of feeling belittled and disrespected by his yelling and blaming....but is that any excuse?? geeze. I thought I have always stood up for myself and made it clear that I will not tolerate yelling...why did I have to do it this way? If we try and "talk it out" (like usual) he will just use my action against me now.

 

Ugh. I am at my wits end with the whole thing.

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luvs2kayak Apprentice

luvs2kayak

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It sounds like you've bottled up a lot of anger as a way of trying to avoid conflict with him, but anger turns to rage, and all of that is very unhealthy for you and for your relationship. In a way, you are turning into him. Which is the last thing you want...

 

It would be better to be honest with yourself and realize that you cannot be with a person who is like this, even if he has a million other positive points.

 

Either he gets help for his rage, or you will end it. You need a more productive way of addressing this issue-- which means he needs counseling.

 

Good luck.

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COtuner Enthusiast

COtuner

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My goodness gracious... this parallels what I've been through. When I finally called him on his behavior and told him to go to counseling ( he wasn't just yelling, but weird melodramatic crawling around on the floor acting like a martyr to put me down, and lecturing / scolding me for not doingwhat he wants me to do), he immediately dumped me. Then a couple months later we reconciled, but the old Dr Jeckyll is coming back despite his saying that he would fix things. I'm giving an ultimatum - counseling or I'm gone. Maybe you're at the point you need to do the same?

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catfeeder Grand Master

catfeeder

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Awfully sorry he's worn you down to this. Unfortunately, you can look forward to more of same if you stay with this guy, only it will likely just escalate from here.

 

Nobody else gets to decide where your bottom is--that's up to you. I hope you've had enough and will choose wisely.

 

In your corner.

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elizmdavis Enthusiast

elizmdavis

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He called me last night, wanting to work things out (same ol', same). I was so hesitant to go. But he sounded calm and ready to talk...so I went. Needless to say, nothing got fixed. I was still very angry and I realized there was no way that I was ready to make any rational decisions. He kept saying "I will not deal with this tomorrow. it's either tonigt or never." I said "It will have to be sometime other than tonight if you want an honest response from me."

 

ugh. He kept wanting me to apologize for how I thrw him out. I honestly couldn't do it folks. I am not sorry. I am ashamed of my behavior..but not sorry for him. Is that bad?

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elizmdavis Enthusiast

elizmdavis

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I suggested that we went to couples counselling because we seemed to have problems communicating, and he went ballistic and stayed that way. You could put it to your fella that either he or both of you go into counselling, but people with issues around control like this are very unlikely to want to go! ......... My guess is that your man holds you responsible for all the problems in the relationship. Incidentally, does he accuse YOU of making mountains out of molehills, too?

 

I feel like I am at the point where I don't want to try anything, anymore. What's the point, yunno? 3 years of this...I'm just spent. But scared. I'm at the stage where I am just scared to move on.

 

Yeah....he does accuse me of being "irrational" too.

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elizmdavis Enthusiast

elizmdavis

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My goodness gracious... this parallels what I've been through. When I finally called him on his behavior and told him to go to counseling ( he wasn't just yelling, but weird melodramatic crawling around on the floor acting like a martyr to put me down, and lecturing / scolding me for not doingwhat he wants me to do), he immediately dumped me. Then a couple months later we reconciled, but the old Dr Jeckyll is coming back despite his saying that he would fix things. I'm giving an ultimatum - counseling or I'm gone. Maybe you're at the point you need to do the same?

 

Thank you for your suggestion Yeah, we split too and then Dr. Jekyll came back. It's sad because of how I reacted yesterday....how am I supposed to react next time. I will not allow myself to do that again, I refuse. I am numb and saddened by this. I know people have been through worse, but hurt is hurt! I cried to myself thinking "Geeze, I will probably end up being the "neutralizer" again...how far did that ever get us?" My reaction yesterday led me to believe that I hit a breaking point. I am not ready to reconcile with him at all. It sucks because the holidays are almost here...and I really feel like I may not be ready by that time either. I don't even know how to fix this, I just want him to leave me alone right now. I really wonder if I care or not that he could go to counseling. I'd prefer him to initialize that thought on his own...I am sick of helping him fix things.

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