charity Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 hi everyone, my ex and i broke up 4 months ago. we have 2 kids together and the youngest is only 7 months. we broke up when she was 3 months old. we have always had a...... difficult.... relationship. this time it is over for good and as much as that breaks my heart... and it does, i know this is the best thing for all concerned. my problem is that i dont know how to handle things now with him. we are in different countries so i dont have to see him for at least another 5 months but he calls very frequently. both of our parents are divorced and we agreed that we want things to be better for our children. we said we would be friends and always be able to communicate with each other in a caring way.but i dont think i can do it. he moved on very fast(after a couple of weeks) and is now in a long distance relationship with someone else. i hate this and am consumed with jealosy and bitterness. the break up feels like it only happened days ago, instead of months, and thats because we have soooo much contact with one another that i really never let go. he kept saying things like' why cant it work between us?, i wish we could all be a family? and of course everytime he said those things it would give me some hope. when i realized he was involved with someone else i was furious, and i told him that i didnt want anymore contact with him as friends until i had truly healed and he was like' i thought we were gonna be BIGGER then this'. we had no contact for 2 days then he calls and tells me he cant let me go, we have to make it work, we cant afford to not make it work, we have to be together. however when we discussed the issues that had broken us up in the first place it was obvious that neither of us were willing to compromise and that nothing had really changed. so i said no and that was the right decision. i had been thinking of going to visit his country with the kids(i have many friends there, as i lived there before) so 2 days later i told him so, he told me that this girlfriend is going over there at the same time i was going to go there so i said no way i couldnt handle that in my face. he was overjoyed at the prospect of seeing the kids(apparently) but when it came to it he said in relation to the woman that he needs to see if its going anywhere. this, 2 days after he told me he wants to get back with me!!! i feel like he picked her over our children and he barely knows her.is that irrational of me??? the problem is that i just want him outta my life. everytime i am on the phone to him, i come off the call upset and angry... and sad.i feel like he plays mind games with me but unintentionally....!! for example i called him the other day and he answered the call with, do you know i love you? all this while he is involved with another woman. if he doesnt call, then im thinking what is he doing?? i dont want to be this way. i want to be able to deal with him unemotionally. i hate not answering his calls as i feel its unfair to the kids to not hear his voice and he theirs. and i dont want to make him feel awkward about calling either as thats not fair on him . i want to be stronger but im scared that im always gonna be the one pining after him. i have been keeping myself busy but im not able go out much as both kids are young. i wish i could meet someone else as i could do with the distraction and maybe being treated special for a change. how do i handle this now? how does LC work? im dreading seeing him in 5 months. that is gonna be so hard and he will be seeing women and living his batchelor life while im home by 6.30 everyday to put the baby to bed. im sorry if i sound bitter. i am, but im working on it. help!!! Link to comment
Amasa Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 I'm so sorry. I'm kinda doing the same thing. But I still don't have any good advice. It does get easier. Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 I know how you feel. Me and my ex split after 12yrs 2months ago. Our divirce will be final in less than 30days. We have 2 kids also 7,8. They are taking it pretty good so far. We are trying to be civial and friends for their sake. It is very hard when you want to move on but yet you have to have that person in your life. And it will take time. I was able to do it with the help of lots of friends on here and at home. Hang in there it will get easier and better. Just remember your going to have good and bad days for awhile but we are here to help you. Do you have family that can watch the baby so you can go out time to time? That can be a big help. Also as for the LC just tell him to keep it about the kids only, you don't need to know what he is doing with his life and he doesn't need to know what your doing either. Meeting someone can help just make sure you do not rush into something. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 The thing is he is never going to be out of your life, every time you see your kids you will be seeing him. The trick is to ONLY discuss what pertains to the kids and nothing else. Anger and bitterness will be felt by your kids. People may not realise it but when parents talk about the other parent it makes the child feel like scum because they are part of BOTH parents. ok victoria, i hear you and i agree but its easier said then done cause i end up seeming so cold and "not trying". for example when he calls i put him on loudspeaker and he chats to the kids for a few mins, then hes like' wow work was so hard today.... guess who i saw?.....' etc etc. how do i just stop that? do i say straight up- im not interested. or make an excuse that i have to go or what? either way i feel its gonna be........ i dunno..... immature, cold, angry. does anyone out there have kids with an ex? how do you handle conversations? Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 ok victoria, i hear you and i agree but its easier said then done cause i end up seeming so cold and "not trying". for example when he calls i put him on loudspeaker and he chats to the kids for a few mins, then hes like' wow work was so hard today.... guess who i saw?.....' etc etc. how do i just stop that? do i say straight up- im not interested. or make an excuse that i have to go or what? either way i feel its gonna be........ i dunno..... immature, cold, angry. does anyone out there have kids with an ex? how do you handle conversations? Vic is right. Do not put him on speaker. When I call my kids or they call me and my ex answers I just say can I talk to the kids. After I am done they will ask if I want to speak to her but I say no. Your right he will take it as cold but you have to do it in order to move on. Just tell him you don't want to talk to him unless it involves the kids. After awhile he will get the message and when he calls he won't do it anymore. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 thanks loki, yeah, my family are great. unfortunetly my baby is not!!!! ha ha. she is clung to me in a way my other child never was and people find it really hard to mind her. hopefully she'll grow out of it soon. my head is in the right place of that im glad, and i do grow stronger every day. i think if i am firm with him, that he will be quite angry and distant with me and thats what i need in a way. hopefully in time, i can lose the angerness and will move on and be able to deal with him as a friend(somewhat) Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 thanks loki, yeah, my family are great. unfortunetly my baby is not!!!! ha ha. she is clung to me in a way my other child never was and people find it really hard to mind her. hopefully she'll grow out of it soon. my head is in the right place of that im glad, and i do grow stronger every day. i think if i am firm with him, that he will be quite angry and distant with me and thats what i need in a way. hopefully in time, i can lose the angerness and will move on and be able to deal with him as a friend(somewhat) To be honest that is what my ex had to do to me. When ever I called I wanted to say I love you and everything to her. Or I would be so hurt I would lash out at her. She just got to the point she said if you can't be civial then we can not talk. The baby will be rough for awhile but will get used to it. Any time you need to talk just let me know so many others have helped me I would be happy to help some one else. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 thing is that neither of the kids talk yet- my son is 2. daughter 7 months, so i just put the phone on loudspeaker and encourage them to baby talk at him. ha ha. yeah, i need to be more firm and not worry that im hurting him. Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 thing is that neither of the kids talk yet- my son is 2. daughter 7 months, so i just put the phone on loudspeaker and encourage them to baby talk at him. ha ha. yeah, i need to be more firm and not worry that im hurting him. Thats good though they need to learn and hear their fathers voice so as they get older they will know it. But yes you have to be firm and just say it has to be this way at least for now. Like you said maybe later when things have had time to heal and everyone has moved on then you can try being friends for the kids sake. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 To be honest that is what my ex had to do to me. When ever I called I wanted to say I love you and everything to her. Or I would be so hurt I would lash out at her. She just got to the point she said if you can't be civial then we can not talk. The baby will be rough for awhile but will get used to it. Any time you need to talk just let me know so many others have helped me I would be happy to help some one else. thank you very much. this forum is a godsend to me. its like my therapy. when you realize how many people are hurting out there........ i think i would have went back to him if i had not found this forum. it made me see things more clearly, i realize that some couples are just not meant to be and yet we hang in there waiting for people to change!! what a waste and its so damaging to ourselves as well. im sorry about your divorce. you must have went through hell to get to this point. Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 thank you very much. this forum is a godsend to me. its like my therapy. when you realize how many people are hurting out there........ i think i would have went back to him if i had not found this forum. it made me see things more clearly, i realize that some couples are just not meant to be and yet we hang in there waiting for people to change!! what a waste and its so damaging to ourselves as well. im sorry about your divorce. you must have went through hell to get to this point. LOL still going through it. But as everyone else will tell you day by day the easier it gets. Anytime you feel like your about to break down and do something you don't want to just come here and we all will do what we can to help. You can also PM me anytime I don't mind. Like I said if I can help someone deal with what we are dealing with I am glad to do so. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 LOL still going through it. But as everyone else will tell you day by day the easier it gets. Anytime you feel like your about to break down and do something you don't want to just come here and we all will do what we can to help. You can also PM me anytime I don't mind. Like I said if I can help someone deal with what we are dealing with I am glad to do so. don't laugh but what does PM mean??? Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 don't laugh but what does PM mean??? Private message. If you go under USER CP you can enable it so you can send a private message to someone or they can send to you. Link to comment
charity Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 Private message. If you go under USER CP you can enable it so you can send a private message to someone or they can send to you. ok great, thank you so much and you too victoria Link to comment
Loki71 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 ok great, thank you so much and you too victoria Glad to help Link to comment
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