Being selfish in 2009

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I can't wait for this year to be over and done with!

 

In January my ex and I made all these plans to make 2008 the most incredible year we had ever experienced.... But we broke up.

 

I feel like this year, one major thing has held me back.... FEAR.

 

When my ex and I started talking agin after three months NC, I was too scared to tell im how I felt about him. I was scared of rejection, scared of getting my heart broken, scared of myself and how my emotions had totally taken over my rationality. Even though it was pretty obvious that he still had feelings for me, I never showed that I was still in love with him. Its a long and complicated story.

 

I wound up in a situation where I friendzoned him. Not that, that was a bad thing at the time. Him and his mum were going through a relly bad time and I was there for them every step of the way. But at the end of all that, he acted like a complete jerk to me, I mean really weird and confusing behaviour, and now we are in NC again coz he never answered my last text and I refused to chase him. My family sent him and his mum an xmas card, and we received nothing back, after months of us doing a lot for them. I know that his mum doesn't know our address, and he probably doesn't know it to write it down, but he could drive to my house blind-folded to post it through the front door.

 

I wound up in the same situation I left him for in the first place - no appreciation and a terrible, immature attitude. Left me a little jaded and mentally exhausted. The only real loss I feel is that this keeps on happening to me. I just give so much and receive nothing but heartache in return.

 

 

Work

 

There have been a lot of redundancies. I am middle management, but my pay and status doesn't reflect the work I actually do. I am very bright and work incredibly hard. I have been picking up the slack of my lazy * * * * bosses for three years, them getting the money for it, and me getting the old "you're getting the experience" speech every time I get them out of the crap. Now it looks like I will be asked to train someone already established as a senior manager to do their job and manage me!!! I refuse! Let them struggle, I am not doing anything that isn't in my JDQ anymore. You don't get thought any better for doing it, and I feel like it is a major kick in the teeth!

 

 

Family

 

Its just been me and my mum since my dad died when I was 9. I feel like I have put my mum through hell and looked after my ex's mum this year..... Reading that makes me feel sick. She has been so worried about me, seen me twist myself into untangable knots and been so upset by the whole thing. I took her to see Elton John last week for Christmas and it was honestly the first time I have seen her genuinely happy this year. Seriously, next year the onlt two people I will be looking after are me and her. No one else is getting a look in. I have just booked tickets to see Tina Turner and have promised to take her out once a week, my treat, wherever she wants to go. I am ashamed I haven't been doing this for the past 8 years. ](*,)

 

 

Body

 

I am going to be hitting the gym again. HARD! I'm kissing those extra 10lbs goodbye forever! My hair wil be done every six weeks, my nails, massages, you name it folks, I am worth it!

 

 

Goals

 

My goal is to stop feeling scared. Sounds simple, but its gonna take a lot of work. There is no worse feeling IMO than fear holding you back. I am planning on travelling in the summer. I want to do an adrenaline package of bungee jumping, climbing, sky diving, gliding.... I just wanna face anything and everything.

 

I just wanna be selfish and stick two fingers up at the world and not feel guilty for doing it.

 

 

Love Life

 

No thanks! And when I am ready to let someone in, they are gonna have to perservere to get me. I'm so serious. No more taking on people who need "fixing", who hold me up as the person who is going to make them better. Save their lives. No. It doesn't work. It never works. Never again.

[lostandhurt]

Stella!

 

Nice to see you again.

 

That looks like a perfect recipe for your life. Live the life you want and if when it is right, share it with someone else. I am sure you will be a little picky but like you said you are worth it. Best wishes for 2009.

 

 

lost

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Stella!

 

Nice to see you again.

 

That looks like a perfect recipe for your life. Live the life you want and if when it is right, share it with someone else. I am sure you will be a little picky but like you said you are worth it. Best wishes for 2009.

 

 

lost

 

 

Thanks Lost - I need a little reassurance that I am doing the right thing. When you are so used to looking out for other people, you feel guilty for putting yourself first. Its something I have never really done.

 

This last month I have received 2 apologes from old friends telling me that they should have been there for me/ treated me bad. Something that came as a big surprise to me. They were both male friends, and it has replenished my faith in "good guys", but I am still not interested in dating for a good year.

 

How are you Lost? What's your plan for 2009? x

[lostandhurt]

I have been more selfish myself as of late. I have stopped all projects and I am focusing on myself and being the best single dad I can be.

 

My plans for 2009 are simple for now. Finish with the divorce and take care of my son. I don't know about dating yet. My son's therapist told us to wait a year before getting into any relationships. I have about 3 more months on that and really I am scared to date anyways.

 

Don't feel bad about being selfish. You will be in a better position to help those you want to later anyways after you have built your life into what you want it to be. I think once you have traveled down YOUR path you will run into a good guy traveling the same direction.

 

Best of luck to both of us.

 

TTYL

 

lost

[thejigsup]

Go for it Stella! You will never regret it! When you take some time to live for yourself and conquer your fears, it's the best investment you will ever make. You will get to know yourself and nothing or no one will defeat you again! I did this years ago and it changed how I looked at myself and the world entirely! I can still get mad or hurt, but the feelings don't overwhelm or stop me. It's beautiful!

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Go for it Stella! You will never regret it! When you take some time to live for yourself and conquer your fears, it's the best investment you will ever make. You will get to know yourself and nothing or no one will defeat you again! I did this years ago and it changed how I looked at myself and the world entirely! I can still get mad or hurt, but the feelings don't overwhelm or stop me. It's beautiful!

 

That is EXACTLY my goal. I don't want to become cold or desensitised to people or to my own feelings... In fact, I am hoping that by learning more about myself, I will be more in-tune with other people, their motives and their traits. I wanna be free.

 

I seem to have very bad judge of character. I see vulnerable people and it makes me run towards them and help them. Thats not healthy.

 

My friend Paul said to me on Thursday, "Babe, that's not a bad thing helping people you know. Don't lose that loveliness you have because some s**t-bag didn't appreciate you."

 

But I do think that personality trait is self destructive unfortunately.

 

Lost, I'm glad to hear that you have a game plan for 2009. You have always been very supportive to me on ENA and I am glad to see you have come out of 2008 a better man