How To Have a Discussion With Your SO Without...

[hiphop3]

it becoming a huge pity party..

 

all the things i have wanted to work on in my relationship, and have brought up with my bf, turns into him sulking and saying how the discussion made him feel like sh*t. and how he didn't know it was a problem and blahblahblah. he often shuts down too, he won't talk, turns his back to me, or covers up his face. even if i'm really hurting, he some how manages to turn the attention on himself, and doesn't even comfort me. it's made it impossible to have a constructive conversation.

 

how can i prevent this from happening?

[hiphop3]

He sounds like a manipulator.

 

manipulator sounds so sadistic...which he is so far from. he has some self identity issues and is insecure...i wonder if that has any thing to do with it. but still...

[Cloud9Kitty]

it becoming a huge pity party..

 

all the things i have wanted to work on in my relationship, and have brought up with my bf, turns into him sulking and saying how the discussion made him feel like sh*t. and how he didn't know it was a problem and blahblahblah. he often shuts down too, he won't talk, turns his back to me, or covers up his face. even if i'm really hurting, he some how manages to turn the attention on himself, and doesn't even comfort me. it's made it impossible to have a constructive conversation.

 

how can i prevent this from happening?

 

 

Are you sure your having constructive conversations with him? Sometimes you may not realize how your words may sound to the other person. It may feel like small attacks to him when you talk. Use words like "i feel..." with him when bringing the problems up. And be sure to ask how he feels b4 approaching the next subject with him.

[hiphop3]

Are you sure your having constructive conversations with him? Sometimes you may not realize how your words may sound to the other person. It may feel like small attacks to him when you talk. Use words like "i feel..." with him when bringing the problems up. And be sure to ask how he feels b4 approaching the next subject with him.

 

i'm not at all good with words and i lack tact, but i really do try. but when he pulls this i end up reassuring him that "i love you," "it's just a bump," "we can easily make it better," and "please stop ignoring me, we need to be adults about this" all the while in a soft comforting voice. and once he made me feel like total sh*t and i started crying and he just sat there b/c i had hurt his feelings. i could hardly sleep after that and had to cry by myself in the bathroom before i came to bed.

nothing works.

[hiphop3]

I understand but him feeling like "s**t" every time legitimate discussion comes up is pretty much what that is. He's the victim, yeah ok. It's fine that he has his issues, we all do, but then he does that I'm sure he doesn't make you feel any better about yourself either.

 

very true. do you think he just subconsciously is manipulating?

[abitbroken]

I think as far as "stuff you want to work on in your relationship" you have to start with yourself. If you have a communication problem, than strive to be a better listener, and/or think about something in your mind before you make a request of him to make sure you are clear. For me, I was so much not wanting to be demanding that I found when i asked something of my husband (not a "ask him to change" but everyday stuff) he wouldn't realize I had even asked or I would hint around too much.

 

Anyway, what exactly is it that you "want to work on". Is it a dealbreaking thing or some area that you just wish would grow more. If you told us maybe we could help you figure out how to get your point accross.

 

I don't necessarily think he is being manipulative if you say you don't have tact. But he may be. It is hard to know if you said something really hurtful or he was overeacting Maybe telling someone they need to shape up while crawling into bed or whatever for example is not a great time to be bringing up such things or maybe you need to figure out how to nurture what you want without having "a talk". Sometimes I find people return what you are looking for when you initiate the behavior or just comment how nice it is when they do it randomly or by accident...positive reinforcement and all that

[Cloud9Kitty]

i'm not at all good with words and i lack tact, but i really do try. but when he pulls this i end up reassuring him that "i love you," "it's just a bump," "we can easily make it better," and "please stop ignoring me, we need to be adults about this" all the while in a soft comforting voice. and once he made me feel like total sh*t and i started crying and he just sat there b/c i had hurt his feelings. i could hardly sleep after that and had to cry by myself in the bathroom before i came to bed.

nothing works.

 

It doesn't sound to me like your lacking tact at all, in fact you seem to have quite a bit of tact. He is not being receptive to it though....hmmmmmm

[hiphop3]

i didn't tell him to shape up before we were going to bed, the discussion had happened hours earlier. i was so upset i had to leave the apartment, and i came back, and eventually we went to bed. i know it's not a good idea to talk about issues right before going to sleep.

 

i often will turn over the problem in my mind for a few days before bringing it up, and try to rehearse what i am going to say before hand.

 

as of right now, i'm becoming increasingly unhappy in this relationship. i love him very much and still want to be with him, but it's just not fun any more. i do so much for him and get nothing back. i've become worn down. i don't want material things back, but i want his affection and attention, and he seems so disinterested lately, and focuses his time on his computer. i realize every one needs their own mental space and time alone, and i give him that. i'll give him hours. but when ever we have quality time together, it's on his terms. or he'll say he'll want to spend time together "in a few minutes" and i'll wait hours for him and waste my time. i realize i need to get a hobby for when he does this though. but this just isn't fun or as exciting as it used to be. we have been together for a year and i realize maybe the honey moon phase is over but i don't think i should make me feel depressed.

 

i tried talking to him about this but he evaded it and didn't even bother to compromise or defend himself.

 

maybe there are other reasons in the relationship for me feeling this way but i'm not sure what they could be, yet.

 

if i still feel this way in a few weeks i'll bring it up. but the holidays have me depressed and stressed out as well as i have to visit my dysfunctional family and the holidays bring up a lot of bad memories. so maybe my feelings are being amplified right now.

 

EDIT: i haven't told him about my unhappiness, i only addressed the time management

[ResonanceTheory]

Hey Hiphop,

I can tell you a little about how your bf may feel...because I have been having this issue a lot myself...only I am the one in your boyfriend's position.

When my partner comes at me with an issue, I tend to shut down. It's not because I don't want things to get better, but because I feel guilty. Regardless of what words are being used, when you come at your partner with something that is critical of them, it feels like you're taking a shot at the person's character. At least that's how I feel. I get so overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person that it gets hard for me to see that the solution is easy or the problem could be worked out with just a little effort.

Why don't you try talking to him about it again and explain to him that he's not a bad person and that you really love him but that it's something that needs to get fixed, and that you will both put effort into fixing it. Then give him a day to think about it. That always helps me because I get over feeling all butthurt about the criticisms presented to me by my SO. Give him time to evaluate what you've said. If it's affecting your happiness, then this is something that needs to be fixed. Hopefully, it'll give him time to realize that maintaining a happy relationship with you is worth more than reveling in self-pity and self-hatred.

[JimmerJammer]

ResonanceTheory,

 

How would the OP go about talking to someone like you when something comes up? Criticism or otherwise? How would they say something that wouldn't invoke guilt and would speak to you so you acknowledged what was said? I think both go together in that case.

[ewatford]

It seems as though you guys are having some communication problems

 

I think it's the approach of telling him how you feel about something

 

that is making you unhappy..for example, my ex shutdown on me because

 

she didn't know how to approach me because she assumed I would blow up

 

and get upset. I made mistakes in how I handled some problems we were

 

having by not listening to how she felt...I was defensive and didn't take her feelings into consideration.

 

A good approach is having a nice enjoyable and relaxing conversation without

 

putting blame on anyone, just have a positive and upbeat tone in your approach and voice can make a difference.

 

I read this relationship book and it has some good tips that I've

 

used to make my relationship stronger.

 

you can check it out at link removed

 

kind regards

[kuiks8]

Hey Hiphop...sounds likes you are having a lot of trouble with your boyfriend as of late and the most frustrating part seems to be that you want to work on things and make them better and every time you try to discuss things he shuts down...must be really hard...

 

so i think you need to spend some time figuring out some of it on your own end...and yes i am going to suggest some list making...

 

sit down and write down all the issues you see in your relationship...write them all out and then rank them as to which ones are the hardest to deal with or the most important or the ones that are effecting you the most (however you want to rank it) then start with the most prominent/most important ones and look at your part in things (it always takes two people) since your SO seems unable or unwilling to talk/change write out what you could do to make things better...how would things look different on your side, be honest as to whether or not you are being really fair about the issues...see if it really is that big of a deal etc...and then spend some time writing out what you would like from him in order for the issue to get better...keep doing this until you are through the list.

You might find once you have made the list that all of the problems stem from one main issue that needs to be worked on...and once you see clearly both parts in it and are able to articulate exactly what you need and are willing to do it might be easier to talk to him.

I would also suggest maybe writing him a letter outlining how you have been feeling and your frustration with not being able to talk about things etc and then tell him you wrote all of it out since he seems to take it so hard when you talk to him in person. Tell him you would like him to read the letter and respond either in writing or in person with his thoughts.

Stress to him that you love him and want things to get better and are willing to do your part to make sure that happens....

 

if after all that is done and he still isn't willing to change/listen/partake...perhaps you need to look at this relationship in terms of what needs are being met and which ones are lacking and if this is the right relationship for you...

[hiphop3]

It seems as though you guys are having some communication problems

 

I think it's the approach of telling him how you feel about something

 

that is making you unhappy..for example, my ex shutdown on me because

 

she didn't know how to approach me because she assumed I would blow up

 

and get upset. I made mistakes in how I handled some problems we were

 

having by not listening to how she felt...I was defensive and didn't take her feelings into consideration.

 

A good approach is having a nice enjoyable and relaxing conversation without

 

putting blame on anyone, just have a positive and upbeat tone in your approach and voice can make a difference.

 

I read this relationship book and it has some good tips that I've

 

used to make my relationship stronger.

 

you can check it out at link removed

 

kind regards

 

i'm afraid this time i won't be able to keep my cool. in the past 2 days i've cried 3 times and i have cankers on the inside of my mouth, which is from biting the insides of my cheeks while i sleep, this only happens when i'm under extreme stress. i don't even feel like seeing him over the holidays (he left to go see his fam yesterday and we won't meet back up to go home till thursday, but our families don't live that far from each other, and he wanted to see me xmas eve)..bad sign, or maybe secluding myself for a while isn't a bad idea. i don't know. but i feel like i'm beginning to pull back.

hopefully after the holidays i'll have calmed down and will be able to talk about this without getting horribly emotional.

i can just see him saying "i don't do/can't do any thing right, i can't believe that i'm your bf and i can't even make you happy"

i think it's time i see my shrink again. i'm pretty sure the intensity of my emotions are a combination of things i should sort out by myself as well.

[hiphop3]

thank you kuiks, i think i'll do exactly that. it's been a long time since i've journaled, and i always used to do that to channel my emotions properly and to think more logically.

after the holidays i'll revise the list and have a talk.