He Doesn't Trust Me

[Cloud9Kitty]

My Boyfriend has been burned in the past. By this, I mean lied to and heart-broken. He has a tendency not to trust me (or anyone for that matter), even though I have never given any reason not to be trusted. He's been making me feel like I constantly need to prove myself worthy of his trust and it's beginning to drive me nuts. I'm the most honest/trustworthy person I know & I don't feel I deserve this at all.

 

Is he just not ready for a relationship? Or should I just keep trying to prove I'm worthy of his trust?

[agent1607307371]

He needs to work on this himself, you cannot make him trust you and often trying to prove to someone with trust issues that you are trustworthy feeds back into their insecurity.

 

Does he recognise that he has a problem with this?

[savignon]

I think you said it perfectlly...you are a trust-worthy person and it's kind of exhausting having to prove yourself all the time. Tell him that's not the kind of relationship you want but you'll be happy to prove through time and experience (but not accounting for yourself/whereabouts/behavior) that you're a good catch.

[Cloud9Kitty]

He needs to work on this himself, you cannot make him trust you and often trying to prove to someone with trust issues that you are trustworthy feeds back into their insecurity.

 

Does he recognise that he has a problem with this?

 

Yes he does recognize it, and I've told him how its making me feel.

[agent1607307371]

Yes he does recognize it, and I've told him how its making me feel.

 

And is he willing to put the work in on it? Therapy, working at trust, ect?

[Cloud9Kitty]

I think you said it perfectlly...you are a trust-worthy person and it's kind of exhausting having to prove yourself all the time. Tell him that's not the kind of relationship you want but you'll be happy to prove through time and experience (but not accounting for yourself/whereabouts/behavior) that you're a good catch.

 

I feel I am a good catch. I'm a dependable and loving chick who totally deserves the good man that he is. But I'm getting tired of trying to prove that to him on a daily basis. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out.

[High5girl]

Agree with Agent's advice. He needs to understand that you are not these ppl who betrayed him in the past. These are things that happened b4 he ended up with you. You should not be punished for what someone else did.

 

If you have never given him a reason not to trust you nor lied to him...he should not be doing this to you.

 

As it was said, he needs to work on his issues with trust. You will have to go thru this all the time and as you mentioned, it has gotten old. It's almost as if he's constently looking for a reason not to trust you.

 

why keep proving yourself to someone all the time when you more than likely have not done anything wrong?

Talk to him about this. If he doesn't feel he can trust, then there really is no point in staying a relationship like this.

[Cloud9Kitty]

And is he willing to put the work in on it? Therapy, working at trust, ect?

 

He says he is trying to work on it. But his actions are the same as b4. He checks my phone, reads my myspace and reads into every silly comment my other friends make, and he also wants detailed reports on every minute of my life. It's driving me nuts!!

[Timebandit]

He says he is trying to work on it. But his actions are the same as b4. He checks my phone, reads my myspace and reads into every silly comment my other friends make, and he also wants detailed reports on every minute of my life. It's driving me nuts!!

 

I think this is borderline abusive. He does not have any right to treat you like this. If his words would be worth anything, you should already have seen him taken massive action to solve the problem (f.ex. starting in therapy).

 

As it stands, I think you should leave him. He sounds way too toxic.

[High5girl]

That's would be too much for me. I can understand a bit of insecurity at times, but going thru you phone, myspace crap and asks more questions than a FBI agent in an investigation. Girl, I would walk.

You talked to him, he said he is working on the issues, but checking your things often doesn't show that he is working on his issues.

Everyone is entitled to personal space and privacy. This man isn't giving you that.

[Cloud9Kitty]

I think this is borderline abusive. He does not have any right to treat you like this. If his words would be worth anything, you should already have seen him taken massive action to solve the problem (f.ex. starting in therapy).

 

As it stands, I think you should leave him. He sounds way too toxic.

 

 

I've been with him 7 months and I have definitely considered leaving him, but it also seems cruel to me to leave him. He needs me, and he needs to realize that there are good people out there who will have patience and stay with him through thick and thin. He is a good man who deserves a good woman.

[karvala]

I've been with him 7 months and I have definitely considered leaving him, but it also seems cruel to me to leave him. He needs me, and he needs to realize that there are good people out there who will have patience and stay with him through thick and thin. He is a good man who deserves a good woman.

 

But you also deserve a good man, he also deserves to feel free of his insecurities, and you both deserve a good relationship. He clearly has a problem, and it sounds as though he is not capable of solving it on his own, so therapy might really help in this case. Offer to take him, or even go with him, if it will encourage him to go. But if he flatly refuses, then you may end up having to consider walking away, at least until he realises just how serious this is and just how much he really does need to do something about it.

[agent1607307371]

He says he is trying to work on it. But his actions are the same as b4. He checks my phone, reads my myspace and reads into every silly comment my other friends make, and he also wants detailed reports on every minute of my life. It's driving me nuts!!

 

This is controlling and unhealthy. His bad patterns are being worked on to you.

 

I get that you think he is a good man, but he is behaving badly. Everyone has bad relatioships but that does not give him the right to punish you for them.

 

He will never be satisfied until he works with someone who can get him out of these patterns. I don't know if he really wants to or how long it would take. You have to decide if you can live with being treated as guilty until this happens, if you can live with what living like this will do to you.

[Cloud9Kitty]

I will not play the game of distrust towards him, I feel its immature. I trust him without a second thought in my head, playing the "how do you like it" game is not necessary and makes me the liar he fears.

[Timebandit]

I've been with him 7 months and I have definitely considered leaving him, but it also seems cruel to me to leave him. He needs me, and he needs to realize that there are good people out there who will have patience and stay with him through thick and thin. He is a good man who deserves a good woman.

 

He needs to face his own fears more than he needs you. He will continue to see the world through his "dark glasses" (they are not rose-coloured for sure) unless he changes his ways dramatically. In fact, there is a risk that you will "enable" his bad behaviour by staying with him. Look up "co-dependence" and "enabling behaviour" for more information (it is usually applied to relationships with addicts but is also applicable in other types of dysfunctional relationships).

 

His fear and insecurity is likely to be stronger than your security and confidence in the end. Jealousy and possesive behaviour simply wears partners down.